I was in my room, moving around, dancing to every beat of the music like I’ve never danced before. Jumping. Head-banging. Boiling with a powerful sense of anticipation. My body was no longer a flesh vehicle, but a collection of atoms jolting with electricity which came into existence only to move. Dancing felt sacred. I felt in synchrony with every vibration, which was subject to an ever growing intensity. It fucked shit up violently, to the point that not moving felt totally alien to me. Why was I dancing?
I’d been there for what seemed like days, on the majestic dance floor in my room. Hours earlier this room had shone like the grandest vistas of an immense castle, with frothing furniture and endless empty space. But recently everything had shrunk and darkened, a visual plague cast upon a plot of land sucking all the vibrancy. Existential questions racing through my mind. Ugliness highlighted every surface. Reality set in: that I spent my night dancing and thumping on the floor to avoid the increasingly scary thoughts which weighed on my mind with an unbearable gravity – a force that crushed the feeble psychological scaffolding my psyche had duct-taped together. How long was I going to run away from the thoughts? I broke down.
I stopped dancing.
The walls of my cubicle started breathing, morphing and melting. I sweared it was alive. Everything assumed a consciousness of its own. All existing and all alive. Psychedelic symbols and patterns were ubiquitous. My body morphed into a jelly-like figure, then to a skeleton, then back to jelly and so on and so forth. Terrible and funny. How long would it take for my body to metabolize my brain out of this chemical prison? Sobriety was a lost dream, a hopeless moment that passed and would never return. Everything felt trivial, silly and meaningless.
Closing my eyes only makes it worse. Bright colors and complex shapes flash through my mind, vectors converging at a single morphing point – a constantly shifting perspective. Am I the point or am I the one looking at the point. If I am the point, then who is the one looking at the point? It’s all about perception and perspective. What’s always been there can now be seen in a multitude of new ways. Patterns emerge in everything. What’s ignored is now emphasized. Reality becomes amplified to a staggering degree. My otherwise banal shirt comes alive with an infinite amount of patterns, constantly moving and changing, shifting, every strand working together in perfect harmony to make the shirt whole. And dude, you get to wear it! What a majesty!
I look up. Complex geometric patterns filled the ceiling. The visuals won’t stop. Becoming idle was a huge mistake. The scary thoughts are back. Now with chaotic and disturbing visuals. Everything had so much depth to them that placing my hand in front of my face felt like having a glimpse at infinity. My room stretched to a mile wide and so tall that the floor and ceiling vanished from vision. Was I being reduced to a molecule or was my room really this huge? I couldn’t tell. My surrounding felt disturbingly unfamiliar and odd. Objects went from passive to patronizing & frightening. Reality looked like a messy graffiti of a 6-year-old child. Edges fractal to infinity. Every detail multiplies. And multiplies. And multiplies. An asymptotic growth rate, approaching but never quite reaching infinity. I couldn’t shake it off. It seriously freaked me out. I was forced to reconsider reality and once I saw the new perspectives, I couldn’t unsee them.
The apocalyptic glimpse sent shivers down my spine. The fabric of space-time was tearing apart and parallel dimensions pierced my field of vision. An angst I’ve never felt before surges inside my chest with each of my shivers.
My world was being destroyed.
All the good was violently sucked out of the universe and left behind the negative, what a tragedy. Reality was crumbling down. My ego was melting away. “I” was a brief moment, a flashbulb memory in this thing called existence. Every aspect of my identity was being gradually dissolved into nothingness, every certitude I had about the world was contradicted and before I knew it, I was being sucked into a terrible void.
Instant merciless annihilation on all imaginable levels. Absolute damnation of transcendental proportions. I was sent railing down a bottomless pit of existential crisis.
Smothered in despair. Hanged around the neck by the rope of my own efforts of fighting against the flow. I could no longer contain myself. Exhausted, I gave up. I was left dying under the moonlight. Like a piece of poo in front of the grand universe. The latter annihilated me. Merciless defeat. Finished. The choice was clear. There was no more fighting further. I had to surrender. Come what may. The only way out was through. If I was the one who got me in all of this, then I’ll be the one to get me out of this. In the midst of the most chaotic and devastating situation ever, I found faith. I surrendered. Let go.
The negativity consumed me. It consumed every bit of me. I was being destroyed little by little. My entire existence was consumed by the spooky shit. The deep-seated fears. The anxieties. The guilt. The things I secretly feel terrible about. The bad things I did to people. The bad behaviors. The sorrow. The regrets of having been too proud to say sorry, too afraid to say I love you and too reckless to have hurt my dear ones. I relived them all and felt them all in a single instant. Darkness invaded me. I cried in a final dramatic gesture as I wait for the inevitable. The darkness would sweep upon me and I’d be slammed into eternity. The point of no return. The event horizon of existence. I’d be gone forever. Just a flicker of a candle in the wind.
...
“Am I already dead?”
It felt intensely familiar. I’ve been here before. A sense of deep and mysterious belonging and love filled the moment. The confines of my existence were dissolved. All the boundaries and reference points between me and the world ceased to exist. I ceased to exist. I could no longer tell where the horizon between me and reality was. The sky became one with the sea. We merged. As inside, so outside. As within, so without. Consciousness exploded and became the ever present and all knowing, infinite awareness that permeates the universe in which the totality manifests and everything and nothing happens in the eternal moment of now. The ego died and was transcended.
Just like for a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. Out of the minuscule seed grows a majestic tree. Out of total destruction blossoms something more beautiful. Light gets through the cracks that destruction causes.
Time became now and eternal. The experiencer became the experience. The observer became the sight. The hearer became the sound. The human became spirit. Life became death. Darkness became light. Consciousness became awareness.
So be it.
One cannot exist without the other. They complement each other. Oneness. We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. Just like a beam of light is broken down into individual rays when passed through a filter. We are the individual rays and ego is our filter. We are in fact part of the ever present and all knowing awareness called God and God is in us. We are an incremental part of the functioning of the cosmos and we’re an incredible, wonderful, perfect fuckin thing. Now I know what it means to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And no. It’s not a fuckin train. Nope. It’s awareness. It’s that place I’ve always belonged to, but too blinded by the ego and its mundane existence and preoccupations to be able see it.
…
I opened my eyes slowly and watched dawn slide by effortlessly. Mesmerized by the golden lining of the clouds. Too pervaded by epic emotions to figure out how I got up on the mountain nearby. I lay there still. The gift of existence happening right before me. The sun was rising. Like a rolling wave, the light gradually pulled the veil of darkness across civilization. And soon people would wake up and continue with their daily lives under the disguise of their own vanity.
Adults would wake up exhausted and go to work, secretly hating their lives. And bosses would loath their position and secretly hope to work and earn money like a normal person. The single, depressive and awkward guy continues to live in the prison of his own mind, guided by the opinions and judgments of others. And the popular and confident womanizer wakes up realizing that he got too much to handle in his life and secretly wishes to be a normal and unnoticed guy. The overweight woman goes eating burgers for breakfast, secretly hoping for a miracle. And the skinny woman walks on the street, insecure about her weight and depriving herself of food. Girlfriends would wake up heartbroken. And boyfriends would be too proud to say sorry. Ladies would wake up sad because they feel alone. And men would be too afraid to say I love you. Some would wake up happy, and some sad. Some rich, some poor. Some would die, some would continue to live on.
The wind blows. Cars move to destination. Engines burn. People wish good morning. The sound of klaxons echoes across every city. Each and everyone in their own little worlds. Meanwhile, I watch over all of them from afar, healed , arms wide and unceasing, with a stoic, loving acceptance. Hugged by the universe. And the day goes by…
Edited by jodidonino (07/09/15 11:59 PM)
|