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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
Loc: Chicago Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 13 days
deciding its time to grow up * 1
    #21881164 - 07/01/15 01:12 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Holden Caulfield.

If you read Catcher in the Rye, you'd understand the reference. Otherwise it went over your head. Either way, it doesn't matter. That's the way I feel right now, and that has been my mindset for as long as I can remember, 5 years at least. Just super depressed and cynical.

I graduated high school a month ago. And I've pretty much just been getting high ever since. But as time goes on and I'm just sinking deeper into this depression, I'm starting to see it's time I get my shit together. It sucks to realize the right thing to do is the only thing to do anymore. And the thing is, if I can just stop doing drugs, I'm in a very good position right now. I have a drug test coming up in 2 months that if I pass I landed myself a union job making $40 an hour, not even taking into account OT and DT. Therein lies my current predicament.

I can't stop doing drugs. I mean, I could, but it would mean pretty much just forgetting about my best friend who I went through everything in high school together with. See, I'm kind of a loner myself, but he has this other group of friends he hangs out with. Lately I've been hanging out with them, and I like them and all, but they're the ones that have made me open my eyes. These kids are bad news. If I want to straighten out my life, I need to avoid this crowd. It's extremely sad.

Also, plot twist, there's a predicament within my predicament. In this group of kids, there's this girl. She wants my dick, badly. She's good looking and all, so you may be wondering where the problem is. Did I mention I was gay? A self loathing one at that. This is actually where much of my anxiety and depression stems from.

The problem is this shit happens to me all the time. I show no interest in girls, I make no attempt to attract them, I just act myself, and bitches be trippin all over themselves for me. I've been in a similar situation at least 5 other times, and it ALWAYS ENDS BAD. Last time it got as far as I am now with this girl, it ended with my truck wrapped around a tree. I should be fucking dead honestly. Wish I was at least.

But anyway whenever a girl starts showing interest in my I get very uncomfortable, but due to peer pressure and generally not wanting to look like a faggot (which I totally am, so that's a big motivator), I feel compelled to pursue a relationship. And once that starts, it's all downhill from there. I get super depressed trying to keep it all together. The real problem is, I would be ok with having a girlfriend, but eventually it's going to get to that point where I can't perform. You know what I mean. In the past I've found a way out of the relationship before it gets that far. It's only got to that point one time before, and when it did, I drove home so frustrated I totalled my car.

However, it has now got that far with this girl too. I actually stayed the night in her bed, fingered her and everything, but couldn't get it up. And stupidly I'm still leading her on.

Look, I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I have a problem with rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is before my mentality was in the only one that can make myself happy, so I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to try to be happy. Now I realize I'm not any happier and in the process I'm going nowhere in life. I guess what I want from you is some motivation, advice on how to get out of this situation, anything really to help me get my life in order. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm trying not to be cynical but it's so fucking hard. I hate everything.


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineTNK
Pleasures of Africa
I'm a teapot Unread Journal User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/10
Posts: 14,237
Loc: I AM THUNDERBOT
Last seen: 1 month, 18 days
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881166 - 07/01/15 01:12 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

:pm: me fool.


--------------------
Edited by TNK (02/22/22 22:22 PM)


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InvisibleBodhi of Ankou
*alternate opinion blocks path*
Other

Registered: 06/02/09
Posts: 24,778
Loc: Soviet Canukistan Flag
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: TNK]
    #21881171 - 07/01/15 01:13 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Tl;DR


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OfflineD.M.T
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Registered: 10/31/09
Posts: 10,991
Loc: In your brain
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881174 - 07/01/15 01:14 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

I stopped at "Caulfield", because somebody really needed to kick that kid's ass.

If that's you, maybe an ass kicking is in order for you to grow up.


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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
Loc: Chicago Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 13 days
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Bodhi of Ankou]
    #21881226 - 07/01/15 01:26 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Bodhi of Ankou said:
Tl;DR



Tldr I don't wanna be a worthless lazy fuck like this guy


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
Loc: Chicago Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 13 days
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: D.M.T] * 1
    #21881228 - 07/01/15 01:27 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

D.M.T said:
I stopped at "Caulfield", because somebody really needed to kick that kid's ass.

If that's you, maybe an ass kicking is in order for you to grow up.



I had my ass kicked before, all it taught me was to be even less trusting of black people


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineD.M.T
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Registered: 10/31/09
Posts: 10,991
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881235 - 07/01/15 01:29 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Sounds like you were taught a lesson to me.

Maybe you need your ass kicked a second time.


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OfflineShroomslip
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Registered: 11/25/12
Posts: 23,651
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881252 - 07/01/15 01:36 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

You just graduated high school a month ago. You're not supposed to have your life figured out already. If you're gay, then why don't you.. oh I don't know.. Tell these girls you're gay? Also if your friendship with whoever is built on drug use and stopping would end the friendship, then you aren't fucking friends. You're just two people who like to get high with each other. If you want to throw away a great job just to keep using drugs, then do it.

All of this stress is your own doing. Absolutely none of this shit is just shitty circumstances being thrown in your lap. You're choosing every bit of it. Going to sound callous and make me sound the like the asshole, but if you want to bring all this shit on yourself, then don't bitch about it.


--------------------
With my face against the floor I can’t see who knocked me out of the way.
I don’t want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today.
Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, I’m too busy being calm to disappear.
I’m in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear.


You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline


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Invisiblemindbodysoul
the fertile


Registered: 03/10/14
Posts: 912
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: D.M.T]
    #21881256 - 07/01/15 01:37 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

man you know exactly what you have to do, stop using those drugs and tell that girl that you are gay..i don't see why you still chill with ur new group of friends but just don't do any drugs while ur there..btw what drugs are u talking about, is it weed


--------------------


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OfflineBjorn_Stormcrow
The Farfarer.
Male


Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 2,572
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Flag
Last seen: 1 month, 1 day
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: D.M.T]
    #21881260 - 07/01/15 01:37 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

First step is you need to get over the whole self loathing about being gay thing. you will NEVER be able to grow up until you can learn to accept yourself for who you are. theres absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and so long as you keep trying to pretend that your something other than what you are your just going to be miserable.
I'm not gonna tell you to just come out of the closet right away or anything, thats a big decision and one that you will have to make for yourself when the time is right. but you need to stop lying to yourself and to others.
as for the ladies, just use the "i'm not ready for any sort of relationship" line for the time being, because its not right for you to be dragging them along with you as you figure your shit out. and from the sounds of it, it wouldn't even be a lie, because you AREN'T ready for a relationship just yet.
Get yourself sorted, the rest will sort itself.


--------------------
Live Mythically



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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
Loc: Chicago Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 13 days
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Bjorn_Stormcrow]
    #21881357 - 07/01/15 02:06 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Ok lets just ignore the whole gay part because I don't know what else I expected from a bunch of straight guys except, DUH just be gay lol!

Anyway, we were friends before the drug use, he's more than someone I get high with. But you can't deny for someone trying to straighten up it's essential to avoid anything and anybody that can bring you down.

Ironically it is the weed I'm having the hardest time quitting, but I'll also take any benzos I can get my hands on along with pretty much any downer, or coke, or psychedelics. But yeah, I can't stop smoking.


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineTNK
Pleasures of Africa
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Registered: 01/30/10
Posts: 14,237
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881368 - 07/01/15 02:08 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

I'm like, almost 100% atleast 75% of the Shroomery is either gay, or a closet fag.


--------------------
Edited by TNK (02/22/22 22:22 PM)


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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881372 - 07/01/15 02:10 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

The thing is, I have accepted I am gay. But let me put it this way. Imagine if you were black, but if you said you were white nobody would question it. Life would be so much easier if you were white, and while even if you did say you were black, even though you still acted like a civilised black person, there would be people who look at you like your some lazy welfare leech. Wouldn't you just try to pass as white?

I'm fine with being gay, I can't stand flamboyant homosexuals. I don't want to be associated with that. I don't want people to see that when they see me, even if that isn't me.


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineBjorn_Stormcrow
The Farfarer.
Male


Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 2,572
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Flag
Last seen: 1 month, 1 day
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881381 - 07/01/15 02:13 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Ganga Lova said:
The thing is, I have accepted I am gay. But let me put it this way. Imagine if you were black, but if you said you were white nobody would question it. Life would be so much easier if you were white, and while even if you did say you were black, even though you still acted like a civilised black person, there would be people who look at you like your some lazy welfare leech. Wouldn't you just try to pass as white?

I'm fine with being gay, I can't stand flamboyant homosexuals. I don't want to be associated with that. I don't want people to see that when they see me, even if that isn't me.




I've met many a gay man who wasn't "flamboyant" in fact most of them you wouldn't even know they where gay until they told you.
but they didn't "hide" that they where gay, they accepted it, they lived their lives, and they moved on. because the fact is its not NEARLY as big a deal as most people seem to think it is.


--------------------
Live Mythically



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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: TNK]
    #21881387 - 07/01/15 02:15 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

TheNatureKid said:
I'm like, almost 100% atleast 75% of the Shroomery is either gay, or a closet fag.



I get the vibe on most places on the internet more people are gay than are willing to admit.

I was also thinking the other day, maybe this whole gay pride thing is the wrong approach. I was thinking, so many people are in the closet because they don't want to look like a faggot, and all they're trying to do is promote the faggotry. I think it's only a small percentage of gays that embrace that, but unfortunately they're the vocal minority that gets the shit done.

Does anyone follow anything I say?


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineShroomslip
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881388 - 07/01/15 02:15 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Ganga Lova said:
Ok lets just ignore the whole gay part because I don't know what else I expected from a bunch of straight guys except, DUH just be gay lol!



You are who you are and you're never going to be happy as long as you're fighting who you are. One of my oldest friends is gay. It's not all rainbows and kittens when you finally come out, but in general, you're a hell of a lot fucking happier than when you're trying to hide it from everyone.

Also you can quit you just aren't doing it. You think I don't want to be smoking? I love weed, it is the perfect medication for many problems I have. But I have a job on the line and I can't smoke. I want nothing more than to just keep smoking, but that isn't going to get me anywhere in life. So I made a hard choice. My world basically revolved around weed. If I can quit, anyone can. I really doubt you'd ever meet someone more obsessed with it than I was.


--------------------
With my face against the floor I can’t see who knocked me out of the way.
I don’t want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today.
Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, I’m too busy being calm to disappear.
I’m in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear.


You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline


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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
Loc: Chicago Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 13 days
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Bjorn_Stormcrow]
    #21881395 - 07/01/15 02:18 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Ulfrick said:
Quote:

Ganga Lova said:
The thing is, I have accepted I am gay. But let me put it this way. Imagine if you were black, but if you said you were white nobody would question it. Life would be so much easier if you were white, and while even if you did say you were black, even though you still acted like a civilised black person, there would be people who look at you like your some lazy welfare leech. Wouldn't you just try to pass as white?

I'm fine with being gay, I can't stand flamboyant homosexuals. I don't want to be associated with that. I don't want people to see that when they see me, even if that isn't me.




I've met many a gay man who wasn't "flamboyant" in fact most of them you wouldn't even know they where gay until they told you.
but they didn't "hide" that they where gay, they accepted it, they lived their lives, and they moved on. because the fact is its not NEARLY as big a deal as most people seem to think it is.



Again, for someone who is straight it's easy to say it isn't a big deal. Sure most people are accepting of it, but you aren't the one who lives everyday struggling with the fact that you aren't like everyone else.


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
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Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Shroomslip]
    #21881399 - 07/01/15 02:20 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Shroomslip said:
Quote:

Ganga Lova said:
Ok lets just ignore the whole gay part because I don't know what else I expected from a bunch of straight guys except, DUH just be gay lol!



You are who you are and you're never going to be happy as long as you're fighting who you are. One of my oldest friends is gay. It's not all rainbows and kittens when you finally come out, but in general, you're a hell of a lot fucking happier than when you're trying to hide it from everyone.

Also you can quit you just aren't doing it. You think I don't want to be smoking? I love weed, it is the perfect medication for many problems I have. But I have a job on the line and I can't smoke. I want nothing more than to just keep smoking, but that isn't going to get me anywhere in life. So I made a hard choice. My world basically revolved around weed. If I can quit, anyone can. I really doubt you'd ever meet someone more obsessed with it than I was.



Exactly, so let me ask you, are you happy? Because I feel like if I get clean and get a job and slave my life away I'm never going to be happy. I never have been, and I've convinced myself I never will be.


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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InvisibleOeric McKenna
LIFE CAPS


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 5,318
Loc: Babylon Flag
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881404 - 07/01/15 02:22 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Growing up isnt all its cracked up to be sometimes....unless you really dig paying bills


--------------------


spread love
love is everything
2013 finds
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OfflineBjorn_Stormcrow
The Farfarer.
Male


Registered: 09/27/12
Posts: 2,572
Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Flag
Last seen: 1 month, 1 day
Re: deciding its time to grow up [Re: Ganga Lova]
    #21881405 - 07/01/15 02:24 AM (8 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Ganga Lova said:
Quote:

TheNatureKid said:
I'm like, almost 100% atleast 75% of the Shroomery is either gay, or a closet fag.



I get the vibe on most places on the internet more people are gay than are willing to admit.

I was also thinking the other day, maybe this whole gay pride thing is the wrong approach. I was thinking, so many people are in the closet because they don't want to look like a faggot, and all they're trying to do is promote the faggotry. I think it's only a small percentage of gays that embrace that, but unfortunately they're the vocal minority that gets the shit done.

Does anyone follow anything I say?




I'm starting to think that you really need to get over yourself. your so afraid of what other people might think of you as, but all your doing is hurting yourself by trying to live up to what you think they expect of you. when the reality is often much different.
Sure some people might leave, some might reject you, but those aren't the kinds of people you should have around anyways.
As far as being a "faggot" I assume you mean the stereotypical feminine gays with the accents and impeccable fashion sense etc.
My question is, are you a "faggot"? what makes you think that admitting your gay would suddenly turn you into one? you are who you are, being truthful and honest with yourself and with others won't suddenly change that.
and who knows, maybe you, like many a gay man before you, decide that adopting those stereotypes is actually helpful. (I know a few who intentionally picked up the "Gay accent" because it avoided any confusion as to their sexual identity, didn't have women hitting on them as much, and made it easier to find willing men.)

Also as to your other response, what makes you think i'm straight?


--------------------
Live Mythically



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