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OfflineApollop
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Registered: 03/13/13
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Suicidal Logic // Depersonalisation & My Existential Crisis
    #21862957 - 06/27/15 07:44 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Yesterday was probably my most intense trip to date, visually and more or less mentally too. i wont go through all the fun visual part, what I want to write is about the mental state at a certain point during the trip.

note that i have depersonalisation for year, got an annoying existential crisis where the mere sense of existence sometimes overwhelms me. at some point during my peak, my existential crisis got amplified in a way i never experienced before, and my thoughts then were real and scary. i do not feel the same now of course. i started thinking how the general concept of life is completely confusing, unexplained, but we are just existing because we have no other choice, and we have to make sense of it because we're here. we wake up, go to work, talk to people, eat, etc etc etc and sleep, and repeat, and we have no idea what anything is, in the bigger sense of existing in absolute. and then i came to the conclusion, that this is nonsense, and that i should kill myself because it would be mad not to. it was an epiphany i had as i was talking from my friend's place to the pool back to where they were sitting, once i got there, that dialogue i've been having with myself disappeared... the thought  i had wasn't one i would act upon; but my conviction for it at the time was so powerful which got me to wonder how some people might actually take their lives on psychedelics due a change in perception and logical conclusion (in their heads and at the time) to kill themselves. which is scary. right now, i do not negate what i thought or think differently, it just doesn't matter that i do exist, unlike how it felt then. i felt insane. is this normal? to have such a thought? is it a sign that i should possibly not trip again?

i also realised how fucked up my head is because of depersonalisation. i noticed how i am aware of my every move, be it lifting my hand up to take a drag from my cigarette, or awareness of my arms as they sway as i walk, i notice everything and im a aware of everything as if i'm always watching myself. it's not nice. and my paranoia. as if the world is watching my every move. it was weird because the lighter levels of shrooms do the complete opposite, and they ground me, but yesterday was different.

it also got me thinking about something. depersonalisation usually occurs when a major traumatic event or a series of relatively lighter ones cause you to detach and have possibly becoming your natural state of being. i account it for something that happened to my family a few years ago. But then there's the existential crisis part so i thought that maybe i would never get rid of my depersonalisation given that my general view on life is a confused one so it's not a matter of a traumatic event happening but a philosophical view on existence resulting in that state of mind, which made me wonder, would i never get rid of my dp? and is an existential crisis something that can eventually go away or is it something that will be with me forever?


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OfflineSagescruffy
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Registered: 10/30/09
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Re: Suicidal Logic // Depersonalisation & My Existential Crisis [Re: Apollop]
    #21863019 - 06/27/15 08:03 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Just take care of yourself man. Like I'm sure you know there's counseling and what not, but really, just take care of yourself. The world is nonsense I agree. We spend our life on a giant rock going around a star. I think this si why people created religion, to cope with the inability to explain their own existence.


--------------------
Love.


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OfflineApollop
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Registered: 03/13/13
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Last seen: 10 months, 12 days
Re: Suicidal Logic // Depersonalisation & My Existential Crisis [Re: Sagescruffy]
    #21863066 - 06/27/15 08:18 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

yeah makes sense.
but counselling for what? it's not like my view on life is something that would change, right? what would counselling do to change the fact that i do not understand what i am, what this is, why im here, and where im going? i doubt anything can ever do that. because any solution would still be in the realm of general meaninglessness.


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InvisibleJean-guy Masta
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Registered: 09/23/14
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Re: Suicidal Logic // Depersonalisation & My Existential Crisis [Re: Sagescruffy]
    #21863136 - 06/27/15 08:36 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

This is call bad trippin , you let it control you and at somepoint you can have a panic attack . Suicidal logic , depersonalisation , existential crysis are classics from this state of mind .

A bad trip can certainly agravated your depersonalisation and existential crysis but its not permanent .you have to work on it all the time and it will go away . on the other hand a trip that ends really well can actually help with the PTSD and depersonalisation and existential crysis that you are going trhough

So dont be hard on yourself live one day at the time , and this will eventually go away . try to take a lil break from all drugs , try to take the situation in a funny way , and the next time you trip take everything on your side to help you keep only the good energy dont let yourself go into a negative loop, and just enjoy it brother

Edit:also remember thats its only the mushroom testing you :scaryshroom: and high dose are fuckup like that sometimes


Edited by Jean-guy Masta (06/27/15 08:44 AM)


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OfflineSagescruffy
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Registered: 10/30/09
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Last seen: 6 months, 12 days
Re: Suicidal Logic // Depersonalisation & My Existential Crisis [Re: Apollop]
    #21863144 - 06/27/15 08:37 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

ahaha yeah I feel you man and that's sort of why my suggestion is to take care of yourself. Your not going to come to terms with this existential crisis eating cheap ass ramen. I mean, maybe...but you know what I'm sayin.


--------------------
Love.


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