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Invisiblevampirism
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Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 8,120
My gaze falls upon the dead world...
    #2186185 - 12/17/03 09:11 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I feel kind of normal, but I think I'm beginning to hate people. I look at them do things, I look at them react to people... I watch as they repeatedly act for profit alone
I watch as they shun people they don't know
I sit and wonder why I'm here,
and then people come along and make me feel like shit

it feels like people are just complex machines... they'll continuously treat others according to what their input gives them and they do things only as a piece of survival...

but why do I feel different about myself? I feel as if I'm different, but at the same time realize that all people think they're different... So far I've felt no one act kindly to me. I am introverted, and I don't really care for alot of things, but i do care for alot of other things- does that make me less deserving of humanity?

from other's opinions of people, it seems that people have a good side and a bad side, but why I have I only heard from word of mouth about the good side?

the shroomery seems a bit different, but not really.. there are a few people who seem truly nice, as I suppose may be the case in the actual world ( i havent really seen that yet, my personality seems to push people like that away ), but everyone seems to form their own connections and their own little groups even here..

The only people it seems I can relate to are my brother and sister... i used to have friends, but they've wandered away or become what I've never wanted..

Do I somehow hold high standards? Does it seem to others that I hold high standards? I dont know, but frankly I dont really care. I've tried to be friends with alot of people, but I'm apparently bad at it..

I just want to melt away into music, art and poetry ( none of which I have very much experience with ), but I really want to meet a human outside of my family that I can relate to.. I want..

I want to experience having a girlfriend, but every time I get close to almost being close, either I'm repulsed or the other person is


I want.. I want to have a deep connection with someone

I want.. I want to know what the lack of worry is

I want.. I want to know what a lack of depression is

I want.. I want to know who is horrible- everyone, me or both

..
so tired, but i've always been..

i've thought about ending it all just to see if it was ever real, I've thought about many horrid things just to satisfy my curiosity.. but i learned to control them. Did the people who killed themselves have similar thoughts? Has anyone ever felt exactly like me? The world is full of stupidity, and wisdom almost always is stupidity in denial.. What about futants? What were they like? Are there any today? Perhaps I can become one? If I'm not, then I'm just like everyone else, but inferior... If i am, I've found a group to belong to- but then I also become inferior


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Invisiblevampirism
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Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 8,120
Re: My gaze falls upon the dead world... [Re: ]
    #2186217 - 12/17/03 09:21 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

also,
on the more disturbing part about people-
whenever I look longer at someone, I start wondering what kind of bone structure they have.. When my mind wanders, I'll imagine layers of skin and flesh and bone and guts all working independently but together..

When I look at photographs of people, I begin to see them as linked and chained decay- i see them as if they were made of earth and decaying leaves and compost.. no worms, nothing ever different from pure earth and decay

I hate the objectification of women, but I'm occasionally drawn to pornography
When I'm in a normal mood like right now, their bodies disgust me in a way.. and I begin seeing them as earth and decay linked into motion.. I wonder about their motives, and if they have any.. the women look so.. dead to me


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: My gaze falls upon the dead world... [Re: ]
    #2186288 - 12/17/03 09:45 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I'm sure those thoughts have all passed thru everyones minds at one time or another. Most likely, if someone denies it, they're lying to themselves. Life isn't always happy and enjoyable. We all have times when we think about what the world would be like if we weren't here. I've thought it many times and tried twice in order to make it happen. Sometimes we just get so caught up in our minds that we get lost.

I feel the same way about people. I've lost faith in the human race but it always seems that when I'm ready to go into seclusion and forget the rest of the world, someone shows me that spark that makes it all worth while. Whether it's someone who I can give advice to, who I can make smile and who appreciates me for who I am or if it's just someone who I see from afar that does a nice thing for someone else, it makes me realize just how great people and life can be.

I thought there were no good people left in this world at one time but I'm beginning to see that there are plenty. Everyone has some good in them; it's just harder to find it then most sometimes. That's what makes it all worth it.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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Offlinesoylent_green
The greatEnitsuj
Female

Registered: 12/11/02
Posts: 765
Loc: Ontario
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: My gaze falls upon the dead world... [Re: ]
    #2188978 - 12/19/03 12:01 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

i think i have a pretty good understanding of what your saying..i work in an very large supermaket. when i go on break, all i do is sit there and observe other peoples actions, there facial expressions, there conversations..and i just get so angery at everyone everytime i step foot in there. theses peoples morals and what they value is rediculious (sp?)
i try really hard not too be bitter twards them..but i just can't help it.
i have managed to seek out a few friends who are just 'real' people no bullshit.
i like the shroomery..for the fact that i think most people on here are true to themselves..everyone is so friendly, there is no jugement here..

just keep some hope..that you'll come across some people that you'll be able to relate too. they are out there...i bet a lot of there are hiding..


--------------------
What fun is it in Nirvana while other beings are suffering?


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Invisiblevampirism
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Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 8,120
Re: My gaze falls upon the dead world... [Re: soylent_green]
    #2192062 - 12/20/03 01:33 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

both of you come close to what im talking about, but miss.. soylent, you seem to have good understanding of people acting so.. predictably. I remember one time I was working near a coffee area, some customer spilled a cup of coffee, all he fucking said was "oops!" and then walked away..

anyway

thanks for the support anyway..


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