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Anonymous #1

how do I become more sociable? * 1
    #21799669 - 06/12/15 09:23 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I like being reclusive, I find it to be a necessary part of life. But I am sick & tired of not being able to be communicative with friends, family & strangers. It has been a good year or two since I have felt unable to socialize in a proper way, I feel that nobody comes into your life for no reason, you don't meet anyone by accident. There is this super cute chick that is friends with a ton of my friends but I have never once spoke to her, I'm currently out of town for a few months & like a goof I finally msg her through no other then facebook.. but it seemed to work ! I basically said I have always noticed her & she seems nice/cool & that I would love to hangout sometime, she responded by saying she dosent know me very well & that I seem like a pretty lax guy so she would be down to kick it. So that is great ! but only thing is idk exactly when I will be back.

Another random example is while I was flying my way out to where I am at the moment, for both flights I sat next to this lady who seemed to be in her late 30s/early to mid 40s. She seemed like a nice hippie chick & the seat inbetween us was not taken then I awake to see she is sitting in the middle & then she tries to chat it up with but im extremely shy & do my best to politely respond to her but that is about it. Anyways on the last flight as its landing she starts talking to me again & she asks if I am home or visiting  somewhere, I say visiting then ask her & she says she is going to her grandmothers funeral & it I catches me by surprise & my face & body language could defiantly tell her how horrible I felt for her loss but it bothers me that I was not able to even respond, feel like a dick in hindsight.

I want to be social again ! for the sake of not losing my few friend I have, I only have a few left because they are the ones who are REAL friends ! they always tell me I timid & humble , I don't think its meant as insult but it dosent really make me feel any better about my social skills. I also long for some new female relationships ! I want to be able to talk to strangers & not feel awkward dealing with day to day situations  & last but not least I need them to actually get a job & not feel miserable working there. I don't want to work but unfortunately I need money.. god damn !:wink:


Edited by Anonymous (06/13/15 05:55 PM)


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OfflinePsilosopherr
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #21799765 - 06/12/15 09:46 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

man, me and you are similar.

You've gotta force yourself to be around people. Force yourself to focus on the fine points of conversation.

other than that, :threadmonitor:


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InvisibleThe Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Psilosopherr]
    #21799883 - 06/12/15 10:14 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

alcohol


--------------------

"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head.  If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick
I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.


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OfflinePDU
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: The Doobie Dude]
    #21799902 - 06/12/15 10:19 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I am also recluse.

Just joined a cycling club (first time, been procrastinating about it for YEARS.) - 2nd poster speaks the truth: force yourself to be around people.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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OfflinePsilosopherr
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: The Doobie Dude]
    #21799904 - 06/12/15 10:19 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

yeahhh, I was going to suggest kratom as a social enhancer. But drugs aren't a solution for that, they're a crutch.

though maybe when used the right way they could help...idk


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Offline4nik8
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Psilosopherr]
    #21799978 - 06/12/15 10:44 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I am similar to you in many ways, op. What I eventually did was take a job working the graveyard shift at a c-store. That job forced me to bullshit with people mainly out of boredom. It was actually pretty cool most of the time because all kinds of different people come through a c-store in the middle of the night. I wouldn't really recommend doing it unless you are allowed to have some sort of weapon or are trained in some sort of self defense though, shit got pretty hairy a few times.


--------------------
A wise man once told me: "don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff"


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: 4nik8] * 3
    #21800466 - 06/13/15 01:42 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

There's a lot you need to do to improve yourself, a big one is to practice your emotional intelligence to ensure you know how you feel in any given situation.
You said you felt a lot when the woman said she was going to a funeral yet you didn't express it, instead you duressed and presumably built up your anxiety.

Just "being yourself" can be a difficult concept to grasp because it appears so redundantly obvious. What it means is that you have to be able to act as you feel happy without fear of external judgement or expectation. In essence it means you have to be able to love yourself and feel comfortable with yourself before you can do the same with others.

This is the kind of thing that takes practice, however silly it may sound at first, I'd recommend expressing your objective thought's into a mirror. This allows you to see yourself as you are which paints a picture of how much you really like yourself.

As for them girl you talked to, a key in life is to be able to overcome the fear of rejection. Again, easier said than done. Experiencing rejection can cause emotional turmoil that js difficult to discern.
What many people don't realise when combating emotions is that we cannot change the way we feel, only how we react to it.

This is why emotional intelligence is so important for successful and comfortable socialisation as it is your ability to identify and react accordingly to any given situation.

Improve emotional intelligence.
Change your reactions, not your feelings.
Don't duress, it is what creates anxiety.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: sudly] * 1
    #21801238 - 06/13/15 09:04 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Simply practice,

and spend time in reflection; walking meditation is wonderful ( that is, just walking peacefully in nature )

there's a sort of saying from zen, 'to be as with others while alone, and as alone while with others,'


it takes a little bit of psychic energy anytime we're around others - more so with people we don't know well, etc. - so this is part of it. . learning to interact with others is partly about maintaining balance and calm regardless of what happens -

if it is completely impossible for anyone to ruffle you, in other words, if you're free and sort of spacious in any situation, then it'll be a lot easier. . .


so calm, solid, without fear - these are the basic ones; to reach that state is pretty much the best thing in the world. . and it's quite possible to get there and stay there, and it really changes everything in life. . .


you'd still be relaxed and engaged with others - it's just that good, effective and dynamic action comes from a basis of unshakable peace.

this may seem redundant yet it's an important step in proper ordering of knowledge, I would say.

still - there's nothing about emotional life that any of us don't know, from very early childhood. . . all the info is with us, we pick up on ALL of it since very early. . .

what I mean is - all the states, all the shades of emotion and so forth - none were a stranger to us since the age of 3-5. . . .this is an incredibly fascinating (in my view) fact of our existence. . . not the end-all, just another building block in an ever expand understanding.


there's tons of tricks to relaxing - hundreds of skills, they also coalesce into a whole, a natural and flowing way to be - but focusing on any one of the particular skills is an excellent way to learn about it more - this is a good method; and those other things generally take care of themselves, you know?


So, breathing, or any other of a hundred tricks to relax, to focus on and master that skill, also helps because self-consciousness can fade away while we're thinking about that thing, and so forth


All the best :sun:

You will get there ( anywhere ) you wish to be in terms of these things, is pretty much a fact of it all as well.


Use these powers for good, master Jedi. :sun:

:smile:

Best


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
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OfflinePsilosopherr
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: sudly] * 1
    #21802102 - 06/13/15 11:05 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

sudly said:
There's a lot you need to do to improve yourself, a big one is to practice your emotional intelligence to ensure you know how you feel in any given situation.
You said you felt a lot when the woman said she was going to a funeral yet you didn't express it, instead you duressed and presumably built up your anxiety.

Just "being yourself" can be a difficult concept to grasp because it appears so redundantly obvious. What it means is that you have to be able to act as you feel happy without fear of external judgement or expectation. In essence it means you have to be able to love yourself and feel comfortable with yourself before you can do the same with others.

This is the kind of thing that takes practice, however silly it may sound at first, I'd recommend expressing your objective thought's into a mirror. This allows you to see yourself as you are which paints a picture of how much you really like yourself.

As for them girl you talked to, a key in life is to be able to overcome the fear of rejection. Again, easier said than done. Experiencing rejection can cause emotional turmoil that js difficult to discern.
What many people don't realise when combating emotions is that we cannot change the way we feel, only how we react to it.

This is why emotional intelligence is so important for successful and comfortable socialisation as it is your ability to identify and react accordingly to any given situation.

Improve emotional intelligence.
Change your reactions, not your feelings.
Don't duress, it is what creates anxiety.



quoted for truth.

I've been focusing on emotional intelligence lately, works wonders.


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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Psilosopherr]
    #21802424 - 06/13/15 12:44 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I would also throw out there - along with the point 'loving and accepting oneself is necessary to be able to do that with others,' would add that spending time in peaceful reflection, getting in touch with our feelings and so forth - and then also maintaining this awareness throughout the day - can be a very useful skill.  The concept of contraction and expansion (of the heart I suppose) is a really useful one for life. . .

The only argument for a closed heart would be that it might make you stronger, but this doesn't bear out in real life.  Life seems to show that an open heart grows stronger, because it a) doesn't shrink or contract, and b) lets in the experiences of life, and makes a hybrid of them. :smile:

rbalzer that is great - there are literally thousands of short cuts to higher functioning - I recommend selectivity, but all those that pass your test of verification, incorporate them all :smile:


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
Starhouse - main
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Anonymous #1

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: once in a lifetime]
    #21803311 - 06/13/15 06:10 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks everyone, it is honestly really nice to see that I am not alone. Each & everyone of your responses were helpful/insightful  & appreciated except for maybe the alcohol one :wink: but I see what your getting at, but I want to achieve this without any substance.. want it too be long term.  The only way I do my plants (cannabis, mushrooms , salvia & well LSD on the rare occasion but that is no plant of course) is in a solitary setting ! anyways , so many good pointers on how to begin my path of becoming a sociable being again that I truly cant thank you all enough. I am feeling positive & will get right at it ! easier said then done but I will be persistent.

Oh & I fucking hate small talk but I guess I will certainly have to get over that in order to become more sociable hey? although if I had the courage to just say what I wanted to whoever then maybe I could disregard small talk? for now I can dream of that, infact its a goal.


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Anonymous #2

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #21803340 - 06/13/15 06:19 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

If you wanna take the drug route take a small dose of some MDMA or amphetamines and start vibin', kratom helps as well.

If you want to avoid drugs just bite the bullet and start talking to people. Here's a tip for talking to people: Ask questions about their life or whatever you guys choose to talk about. People love talking about themselves so all you have to do is listen and talk when you need to.


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #21803362 - 06/13/15 06:23 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

If you had enough you could always microdose shrooms for a mood boost :laugh:
I did it for two months and it helped me through some tough times.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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OfflinePsilosopherr
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: sudly]
    #21803412 - 06/13/15 06:34 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

yeah micro dosing can be useful for long term self improvement :thumbup:

Its the only way I've been dosing for a while.


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Anonymous #1

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: sudly]
    #21803444 - 06/13/15 06:44 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Never tried Kratom but have heard lots of good things about it, I could look further into it I suppose. If I could get some legitimate MDMA I would be interested but its been years since I have found a reliable source.. its all full of sketchy shit where I normally reside. Good tips on talking to peoples , they do seem to love talking about themselves ! & man I have never tried micro-dosing mushrooms before , I could also look into that, perhaps grow some psyclobin species :smile:. All I have on me for the time being is little bit of Cannabis ( 3 joints, haven't indulged myself for the month I have been here so far, just a little lung break) & also some salvia which I also haven't partaken in. Like I said, I will probably go about it sober but the micro-dosing of MDMA, mushrooms or maybe some Kratom is something I will consider forsure. I trust you guys :thumbup:


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OfflinePsilosopherr
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #21803623 - 06/13/15 07:39 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Nights on stimulants are amazing for us socially inept folks.

Being able to just talk to people effortlessly for a night is nice.


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Invisiblesudly
Darwin's stagger


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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Psilosopherr]
    #21805052 - 06/14/15 06:11 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Amen. It was helping me find that inner peace I crave in my life.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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OfflinePDU
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: sudly]
    #21806800 - 06/14/15 03:02 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Just thought that i'd report back with the preliminary results of joining a club.

Like I said, I am in the same situation as many of you. Very content alone and a little hesitant to making new friends. As i've matured i've found that the opportunities for social interaction have dwindled and i've been increasingly recluse, especially since breaking up with my partner.... I've procrastinated for YEARS with regards to joining a club, but i finally took the plunge and joined a local cycling club. Went for a ride today (only 3 other riders) and it was fine/fun. Conversation happened relatively easily and in general I got a killer workout and was able to keep up with these much more experienced riders. I look forward to going out with them again.

The downside is that they are all significantly older than me - we are essentially worlds apart.

Either way - with this club, the idea wasn't necessarily to make friends but more or less to overcome my own apprehensions and start mingling with people from diverse backgrounds (as i'll be increasingly required to do in the future...) In that respect, it has been a success.

I will be more likely to expand my direct social network through my university clubs in the fall (this year, i won't put off signing up/getting together with them...!)


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


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Anonymous #1

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: PDU]
    #21814231 - 06/16/15 11:29 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks for the update, Glad to hear that its so far so good! "As i've matured i've found that the opportunities for social interaction have dwindled and i've been increasingly recluse, especially since breaking up with my partner...." That really resonates with me.


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Anonymous #2

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #21814429 - 06/16/15 12:42 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Glad its working out for you bud.


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InvisibleThe Doobie Dude


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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #21814539 - 06/16/15 01:09 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Alcohol


--------------------

"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head.  If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick
I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.


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Offlinelifeiswhatyoumake
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #21815142 - 06/16/15 03:27 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

You become more sociable by doing social things.
You have to experience it. 
You can't just read about how to do it; you have to just do it.


--------------------
:rave::rave::rave: I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ; :raver2::raver2::raver2::raveface:


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Anonymous #3

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: lifeiswhatyoumake]
    #21815288 - 06/16/15 03:56 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

playing dungeons and dragons is a great social learning experience

Or any other tabletop RPG


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InvisibleCherryBomM
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: lifeiswhatyoumake]
    #21818569 - 06/17/15 10:51 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

lifeiswhatyoumake said:
You become more sociable by doing social things.
You have to experience it. 
You can't just read about how to do it; you have to just do it.




Yeah, you just need practice.  Not drugs...that is a bad idea.  Drugs might actually counteract the outcome that you are looking for and make you LESS social because you're all lost in your head.

Practicing being social is very hard for an introverted person.  I know this because I am one.  When I catch myself turtling into my world, I just stop saying no when people ask me to do stuff.  You can start with that.  If someone asks you if you want to do something, just do it.  Don't make a lame excuse.

It also helps to go to class or join a club or something that interests you to get you out with the people.  Go to yoga.  Join a baseball team, start a weekly nerd game club with your nerd friends, whatever you like to do, go out there and do it.

I know it's hard, but just practice talking to people.  Try and make small talk with the cashier at the grocery store.  Smile at strangers on the street.  Ask people at work how their weekend was.  If you want to get better...you will get better.

Good luck!


--------------------


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OfflineNedly
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: CherryBom]
    #21827360 - 06/19/15 09:33 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I'll tell you what worked for me. Being located in an area comparable to the wilderness in Alaska, I went years without having connections with friends and family. At one point I would go into the city for supply once a month, sometimes more. Winter storms would set me in for days sometimes with 6ft+ depths. I disconnected entirely. After a while that started to change, eventually I found myself with no influence and decided I needed some friends.

My adventure so far as shown me I like very little people. Number 1 is finding people who rank with you intellectually, there is no reason to host communications when they are not going to be productive for anyone.

Big thing number two is mission style. When I spent too much time away from society it caused high anxiety when I were in the cities, so I would pretend it were a mission; almost as if I were from another planet experiencing society. It helps ALOT. Nothing is the end of the world, so small experiences should not be considered as such. There is no telling what the outcome is, and we usually find outcomes that are pretty thrilling.

Big thing number three is not just stepping out of your comfort zone, but then sprinting a few leaps further. I broke myself in with music, and next thing I new I was DJ'ing the latest trap tracks for dance parties. It led to some epic times with tons of awesome people, awesome scenarios, and lots of woman! - sometimes in bikinis! If you think jamming to the latest pop is cool and sometimes you think about jamming with the others, don't just dab in it – go big or go home.

Confidence, you have to feel that. And ambition, get cocky, say yes to the task you can only logically process versus reiterate from memory. Just give it your best cause that is what you have. If your mind offers something, thats what you have to offer, why  not see what it is worth?


Edited by Nedly (06/19/15 09:34 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Nedly]
    #22208274 - 09/08/15 04:59 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

Hello , just giving an update. I have slightly improved my social skills/emotional intelligence since my original post but still not nearly as well as I wish to have accomplished thus far. I'll continue working on it though. I'm finally hanging out with that girl (she was out of town for a couple months when I asked her) so i'm honestly kinda nervous but also exited. I shot her a msg the other day asking if she would like to grab a pint & have our nature conversation we planned about a month ago to which she said "hell yeah!!, give a heads up though because I want to make sure all my hmwrk will be done before going out but f ya im exited" So that seemed quite positive. Won't lie though, I want to hook up with her but not sure if that's what she is looking for but idk I think I will make a move (depending on how things are going of course, if the vibe is obviously not good then I will bail on the making a move)

I know becoming calm & cool will greatly benefit my chances but I am so damn awkward & anxious like fuckk, I will give it my best though. I seriously am sick of being such a timid person.


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OfflineSade
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #22208290 - 09/08/15 05:05 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

COCAINE! You will be telling them your most personal secrets to a stranger within a hour.


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OfflinePed
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #22208355 - 09/08/15 05:23 PM (8 years, 4 months ago)

I'm late entering into this thread, but I'm happy to hear you're making some gains.

Speaking personally, I find it much easier to relax and relate to the women I'm attracted to when I'm able to refrain from becoming preoccupied with any sort of sexual outcome.  Thoughts like "I'd like to hook up with her" are major distractions, even when they only flash across the mind for an instant.  When those thoughts are occurring, your attention is momentarily yanked from the dynamic as it presently exists, and that generates a kind of turbulence which can accumulate quickly by compounding upon itself.

The more you are able to keep your attention on her and her experience, and the more you are able to fold your own experience into hers, the more comfortable your rapport will be.  It's from within that comfortable rapport that confidence develops between you, and also unto yourself.  That developing confidence supports not only the immediate relationship, but all your other relationships as well, both present and future.

In other words, it's helpful to recognize the uselessness of becoming preoccupied with yourself, whether that pertains to anxious and self-doubting thoughts or attachment to future experiences.  Once the uselessness of such preoccupations is really grokked, it becomes easier to stabilize your attention on the person you're interacting with and what's going on in their experience, which in turn makes it easier to feel relaxed and comfortable within yourself.


--------------------


:poison: Dark Triangles - New Psychedelic Techno Single - Listen on Soundcloud :poison:
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Offlineinfectedstyle
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Ped]
    #22345676 - 10/07/15 02:08 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you, similar predicament here.. I'll report back if I can think of something useful to say (or add, since Ped thoroughly said what needed to be said)


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OfflineLucisM
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Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Ped]
    #22347755 - 10/07/15 09:23 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Ped said:

Speaking personally, I find it much easier to relax and relate to the women I'm attracted to when I'm able to refrain from becoming preoccupied with any sort of sexual outcome. 




Wise words which I have found to be true. :thumbup:


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OfflineRoostertail

Registered: 09/27/15
Posts: 300
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
Re: how do I become more sociable? [Re: Lucis]
    #22360907 - 10/10/15 09:38 PM (8 years, 3 months ago)

Be the change you wish to see.


If the conversation gets hairy, just go with it.

There might be an answer to your question.


Stay safe and test your drugs before you take them.


Yours truly,


            Joel


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