|
Some of these posts are very old and might contain outdated information. You may wish to search for newer posts instead.
|
Jen
Stranger

Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming
#21795435 - 06/11/15 11:07 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Hi, I'm not sure if this is in the right place but here goes:
I'm 23 years old and stuck between a hard place and wall mentally. i have a problem that is time sensitive. in 2012 to 2013 i had a series of losses, my father who had been living apart from us for fifteen years died three week after i spent a month with him. Then i failed all my A level exams and didn't make the GPA for any of the back up programs despite for my childhood dream medicine which i was reconsidering. I had a break down.. I opted to repeat a year and do a new subject in that year ti make up my full associate. certificate. My grand mother, I only had my grand mother and my mother, manifested late stage cancer and died right after i finished my exams. I hadn't bothered to sign up for the university i wanted because we didn't have money for it and I just accepted that i would sign up for the smaller college and do my degree in psychology there.
I fell into depression. I became emotionally numb and couldn't feel happiness. i was smiling and laughing but it was motions, and it didn't come from any real place. I just accepted that adults didn't feel joy. I was obsessed with dystopic movies and wrote nihilistic poems but last year I started to come out of it because I had gotten tied of being bored and went to a anime convention and kept attending events. This year I came out completely and for the first time in years i was feeling genuinely. And I was seeing some one.. so i decided to get a job and ended up in a place where there were no days off and the feeling of being trapped triggered my stress and anxiety. I had a break and was afraid of every and anything, i started having full slow panic attacks and angrily i got to the bottom of the matter with a crystal that my friend had given to me and that had resonated with me.
What I saw... was something that i couldn't box away. The unresolved issues from three years ago had come undone. The want and desire to do medicine that I had pushed out of my conscious mind and boxed away sprang to the fore front and planted it self there and I just went numb.i had learned mindfulness which was what had pulled me all out of my last bout of depression but this.. this is something that is just thickly coated with fear. When I came all out all i feel is this desire.. this yes I ca sn do it then fear. Ir was all that was on my mind.. I couldn't and still can't concentrate on anything, I don't want to sleep alone, I am glued to my pc because it's a distraction and it's keeping my mind from coming apart, and I'm falling asleep with audio books. I'm lonely and scared and my body is giving out on me.. my hormones are whacked out because of the shock, i can't relax properly and I can't feel anything much.
I'm desperate, I can feel myself falling back into old comfort zones but i want this to be resolved and i only have two months before the new school year to make a decision of whether to try again to make appropriate grades to make it to the Med program or to go and do psychology. I prob have less time before my mind become unglued... I need a major shift in perspective and i think shrooms can provide me with a way to detach from my fears and anxiety and the trauma and issues that are keeping me from moving on.
It's just that 1) I just heard that people with phobic issues shouldn't do shrooms 2) shrooms are not readily available on the island and the only kind that you can hunt closely resembles poisonous ones so if i cannot get hold of any, i am willing to try LSD which might be more available but everyone warned me not to do LSD.
I basically am living with a decision in my head that I cannot possibly make with out some major changes in my pattern of thinking. I refuse to live like this but the panic shut me down and I just want to progress and move on. I'll try this as a tool but I guess my question is ..is this going to work for something like this, where it isn't just a case of depression with an entire set of negative self talk and tendencies, but it's only one thing, one point in time I want to over come and resolve to regain my motivation and balance in my life? Will this help me or make things worse? I need something intense because I am extremely avoidant of anything to do with loss and failure. And that seems to be everything right now.
I really just want to heal so I can enjoy life, and love and enjoy the small things in life like sex and kisses and be high on life. And not close myself any more. I want groweth and i just need something that allows for some drastic or even subtle change that results in positive results.
Any tips on how i should proceed should i get hold of some shrooms? I have done my research of course, and gotten the basic guild lines of what i would need to d since this is basically for healing and over coming.. but any personal advice and experiences would be greatly appreciated so that I can have a productive and life changing experience.
|
thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21795499 - 06/11/15 11:33 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Try ayahuasca its the most healing thing you can take. You can make it at home from tree bark and seeds. Its insanely powerful though it will help if you're doing it for the right reasons (which it sounds like you are). Look up acacia confusa root bark powder and syrian rue there both legal and when combined produce insane effects. But I get your depression and ayahuasca helps
|
Ncogneato
Patriot



Registered: 04/27/15
Posts: 228
Loc: Wisco
Last seen: 7 years, 11 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: thewanderer25]
#21795638 - 06/12/15 01:00 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Jen,
The world that we have been thrust into is full of desperation and dispair. We see the most horrible side of humanity and life keeps kicking us over and over and over again. You seem to be aware that it's the little things in life that make life worth living. That alone is an amazing thing. Follow your passions but don't allow those passions distract you from what is most important. The little things. You are not alone. There is still a lot of love, hope and genuine goodness in the world. I offer you a sincere cyber hug and hope you find your dreams in reality. No matter how you choose to take your psychedelic journey for self inflection I wish you a safe, happy and insightful trip. It will surely be a bumpy ride but worth the lumps. Don't aggressively seek the substance. When you are ready it will come to you and there will be no doubt in your mind. You may even be astonished by the mere coincidence of it and will not be able to help but smile at the heavens. Good luck and take care.
-Ncogneato
-------------------- Psilocybin.........the poor man's Cancun.
|
Jen
Stranger


Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Ncogneato]
#21796150 - 06/12/15 06:08 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
I just do not want to continue living like this. I'm tired of having people tell me I have potential and I stuck. I have my tendencies from very young but they never affected me like this. Imagine finding answers but finding them just when you don't want them. That's what I feel like. I was insanely happy ready to move on, ready to delve into life. Even briefly considered doing a degree in art because I like crafting so much. I had pretty much never thought i could be happy again. so it feels like the progress I made just vaporised. And any advice that i get just can't apply because I'm stuck.
I am fully aware I sound like some addict going on, asking all my stoner friend's about connections they may have. I tried weed but it just lit up my head and showed me what was there.. did nothing for my fear or resistance.
It'll come to me i'm sure. Everything else has come to me in surprising ways, happiness, a relationship (that though i'm evaluating), a support system of truly wonderful people, more and more freedom and mobility. I know that I can change but i jsut need that kick. Weed did help me in the past last year to focus but that was when i had generic depression of the mild run of the mill focus and obsess over negativity and non issues. I can't non issues what's going on right now which is why I'm still in a funk.
i don't want to go insane you know, it feels like i could or become mentally handicapped or just never move on because of one measly thing, man if I could throw it away I would..childhood dreams everything thats not serving me. But life isn't easy. But my brain just isn't happy or optimal at the moment, my mind isn't with it and my body is just reacting badly.
But your answers have made my morning a little better because I expected something along the lines of 'get past your fear, life isn't easy, get off your butt' etc. But i got some love instead. Thank you.
EDIT: i live in the West Indies, I don'y know if any of the ingredients for Ayahausca are available, I suspect natural supplement places might have them. Does anyone know any good, reputable online herbal/natural supplement stores I can buy from? ?Thanks in advance.
Edited by Jen (06/12/15 06:59 AM)
|
PrimalSoup
hyperspatial illuminations



Registered: 11/17/09
Posts: 13,568
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21797669 - 06/12/15 01:55 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
If you can, grow shrooms. First, the hobby will do ya good, and second, the results will change your entire mindset. They aren't going to mess you up - they bring a healing power that though it can be cathartic will cleanse your soul if you approach it humbly.
--------------------
if you stand too close to the machine it'll start to eat youPrimal's simple tested teks and projects: Wheat Prep 2.0 Acidic Tea Tek Potency Project!
|
thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: PrimalSoup]
#21798425 - 06/12/15 04:40 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
|
Jen
Stranger


Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: thewanderer25]
#21798848 - 06/12/15 06:05 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
How do I get spores and legally I can manage getting it online but I need reputable dealers.
|
filthyknees
no coincidence


Registered: 03/08/13
Posts: 6,283
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21798915 - 06/12/15 06:17 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
pm me I will send you one
-------------------- But if you're in a hurry, and really got to go If you're in a hurry, might have to find out slow That it's one thing to try and another to fly You get there quicker just a step at a time It's one thing to bark, another to bite The show ain't over till you pack up at night
|
Deviate
newbie
Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 4,497
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: filthyknees]
#21799220 - 06/12/15 07:35 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
I am fully aware I sound like some addict going on, asking all my stoner friend's about connections they may have. I tried weed but it just lit up my head and showed me what was there.. did nothing for my fear or resistance.
That's interesting because one of the main spiritual lessons of the cannabis plant has to do with letting go of resistance. Do you think it's possible you didn't recognize the full potential of this plant and what it ciuld teach you?
Anyway, shrooms are awesome healers and you should definitely try growing them. I also want to recommend you a few other teacher plants though. They are sacred cactus, aminita muscaria (if you are mystically inclined) and kava, which can help you simply relax and enjoy life.
I feel that cactus is a better teacher when it comes to personal type issues, with shrooms the focus isn't so much on you or your life. But that doesn't mean you can't experience personal healing from shrooms.
I also think it is important to have some sort of framework for experiencing these drugs. Dont just take the drug and expect it to heal you, like you would take an antibiotic. Understand you must form a relationship with it, and relationships are based on trust. THere is a lot more I could tell you, but I would rather hear more from you first.
What are you religious/spiritual views? Do you believe in God? Do you pray or meditate or engage in any other spiritual practices?
|
Jen
Stranger


Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Deviate]
#21801230 - 06/13/15 09:02 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Quote:
What are you religious/spiritual views? Do you believe in God? Do you pray or meditate or engage in any other spiritual practices?
I grew up a christian of the Pentecostal denomination. I'm more agnostic now. After my father died I stopped praying seriously. I still believe in God but I also believe in more new age things like energy and auras. I'm partial to viewing things as connected to the universe. On good days I think that everything is interconnected and everything that happens happens for a reason. I think that all the people I have met and are close to me are connected to me on some level.
I started to see that you're basically the one who creates your own life... that 'god' on some level exist in you.
I also think Christianity has done a lot of damage to people with their dogma. I'm a pretty individualistic thinker. I tried meditating a few times and I like binaurial tones and reiki music i find thye clear my head. I was a avid lucid dreamer for a while but the lucid dreaming made me dissociate a little so even though i knew i was awake I would still wonder if I could jump off the building and fly (I assure you I knew I couldn't). Life started to come apart at the seams so I could see more or less the pieces. I needed for life to be whole so i decreased efforts at inducing lucidity and only occasionally lucid dream now.
i was into the occult but a lot of my zeal for that died down. To a point I stopped believing in everything and even when I came out of my constant low mood, i realized that a lot of these things were there for people who needed meaning and that I really didn't want to delve back into that. That might have been me avoiding too. But I had a run in with some mystical/ harmful/volatile energy last year with a christian minister. I still don't understand what happened back then. Right now I'm not thinking that well so i might be missing things.
Quote:
That's interesting because one of the main spiritual lessons of the cannabis plant has to do with letting go of resistance. Do you think it's possible you didn't recognize the full potential of this plant and what it ciuld teach you?
I have done it four times and felt the focusing after effect and the last time i smoked I was hanging out with friends. I kept letting it run through my head and thinking .. it's okay, you can let go... or something like that. So maybe I don't know how to use it. I most likely don't know. My depression back then was more generalized. I hadn't realized that I was unconsciously numbing and avoiding things and emotions I didn't want to deal with until very recently.. that's why this is so hard because everything I boxed away is out and I can't deal with it all.
I'm avoidant and I have commitment issues which is what I was working on the past five months until this happened. I feel like i lost all progress.. though i still have the skill set more or less that I picked up. I want to use these as tools, and get these things sorted, not matter how painful but I just close up and panic when I have realizations. I just want my full spectrum of emotion back. And do something with my potential so i can progress.
Edited by Jen (06/13/15 09:14 AM)
|
Deviate
newbie
Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 4,497
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21801314 - 06/13/15 09:25 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
It sounds to me as though you are in a good position to benefit from psychedelic experience.
If you have only smoked cannabis four times, then I would say of course you don't know how to use it, lol. It took me years of using cannabis before I really understood it, but also that was with zero guidance and I came from a non-religious family. I have found that having a spiritual framework, or at least being open to a spiritual worldview, essential in order to reap the full benefits from these plants, because I believe the lessons they have to teach are essentially spiritual lessons. Of course an atheist can still have insights about their personality and what not, and benefit a lot too, but these plants can show much deeper things than that, if you are open to them.
I am a big proponent of prayer and worship of God, because it opens the heart and love and heart wisdom are the most essential facets of the spiritual path. Meditation is also great though, and I do both. If you only take drugs and don't work on yourself in your day to day life, than most of the benefits you experience from the drugs will fade quickly.
The reason I think you are in such a good position though, is the fact that you are willing to open up and experience your suppressed emotions. This is exactly what psychedelics can help you do. I definitely think you should try sacred cactus, before shrooms. Shrooms can do this, but they also do so many other things and the amazing visuals can easily distract you from the healing process. Cactus is much more personally focused and less visual and you could easily spend an entire trip with cactus simply healing emotionally. It will help you to view everything in a different light and make it easier to see yourself from an objective standpoint, rather than trying to block everything uncomfortable which is what most people are unconsciously in the habit of doing. Psychedelics have a way of breaking us out of our habitual patterns.
I stress total surrender to the drug affect with nature as the ideal setting, although you can learn a lot simply lying on your bed with your eyes shut. Faith and trust are extremely important, which is why my tripping motto is trust God, trust yourself, trust God's medicine. If you lack faith in any of these, then you will not be able to find ground once you get in deep water. With strong faith, you can learn to navigate extremely intense experiences. That doesn't mean you won't ever have a bad or difficult trip though.
I'm going to link you to a video which has been helpful to me in the healing process. I encourage you to seek whatever teachings resonate with you. But this will help you understand what to do when confronted with negative feelings and what is possible:
Some of what you hear might sound too good to be true/impossible but that is where psychedelics can help. While tripping I was able to clearly see the truth in what this guy is saying here, and that allowed me to trust him even when sober, even if I can't see firsthand what he is talking about. The video has nothing to do with psychedelics, just general healing. I am just posting to give you an idea of how much healing is really possible and what teachings can offer you.
Edited by Deviate (06/13/15 09:30 AM)
|
Jen
Stranger


Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Deviate]
#21801536 - 06/13/15 10:10 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
I'm open but have a distinct cynical side ..comes from having one to many dream crushed.
I was working on myself alot but i honestly didn't know i had a Pandora's box in my mind. I would have gone on peacefully, healing around if it weren't for hitting that wall with that job. It's probably a good thing...
If I do get hold it.. I'll probably get my close friend to be with me.. she's into crystals, and psychology etc and she helped me a lot to recognise what toxic people are like..how to recognise them.
thank you for the positive advice. I sdidn't expect to get much.
|
paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21801971 - 06/13/15 10:48 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Sorry to hear about your lost loved ones 
Psychedelics have helped me gain a lot of perspective on death and the grieving process as well as my own fears.
I agree that cactus is a good place to start.
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
|
Jen
Stranger


Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: paperbackwriter]
#21803994 - 06/13/15 09:49 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Cactus seems to be the best option for me. Can I plant these as well?
I live in a tropical climate where there's six months of sun and nearly no rain and six months of rain. There's sun all year round but the the rainy season is more humid. Where do you get cactus to cultivate?
|
Deviate
newbie
Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 4,497
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21804113 - 06/13/15 10:51 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
You can get 'em on amazon or ebay. PM if you want a good supplier that has some that don't cause nausea.
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/752456-San-Pedro-A-complete-guide
There's a guide to growing 'em. You can also google sacred cactus for more growing info.
|
Jen
Stranger


Registered: 06/09/15
Posts: 7
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Deviate]
#21860391 - 06/26/15 02:34 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Thank you. trying to see where i can gather material for growing the shrooms.
|
thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21860899 - 06/26/15 04:57 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
You can get everything you need on this site check out the sponsor forums its a hard hobby and I gave up trying you are battling contaminants and what not. I have been much more into DMT recently it is a very profound chemical and I found it helps much more than mushrooms can. It also takes about 3 days to make (freebase DMT) or two hours to make (ayahuasca) its an incredibly profound experience and much more of a healing tool than mushrooms ever could be its also far cheaper to produce. If you are more interested in mushrooms then buy from the sponsors they have just about every mushroom related thing you could imagine. If you're looking for spiritual journeys of the soul (finding your true self and the way to be happy ect ect...) then pick up some root barks you can go mimosa hostilis or acacia confusa both yield high amounts of DMT but acacia confusa also contains NMT. You can even grow some grass if you wanted that contains DMT. It is definitely more healing than mushrooms (don't get me wrong mushrooms are healing but not like DMT is). If your looking for happiness pick up some syrian rue as well the seeds contain maois that can let you have a 6 hour journey to as far as you can go. When your there they will tell you things listen and take notes happiness comes from within and DMT is like a GPS it tells you just how to find it. Mushrooms is more of a map you can find happiness but it will take more time and energy. But whatever you do do your research these are not drugs their tools and like any tool there is no since giving them to a person who doesn't know how to use it. It's like operating a car you need to know what to expect otherwise you can end up hurting yourself.
Edited by thewanderer25 (06/26/15 05:05 PM)
|
dixienormous

Registered: 09/21/14
Posts: 1,051
Loc: moon
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: thewanderer25]
#21862689 - 06/27/15 04:58 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Mushrooms will make the answer apparent if you respect the experience.
|
FlyOnTheWall
Stranger


Registered: 06/14/15
Posts: 1,274
Last seen: 6 years, 20 days
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: Jen]
#21862807 - 06/27/15 06:29 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
Psychedelics can provide incredible healing experiences, but try not to fall into the trap of believing you need them to make changes in your life.
I'm not saying you shouldn't take some shrooms, but don't expect it to fix all your problems. Psychedelic mushrooms are sacred medicine, but they are also just drugs...chemicals that happen to interact with our brain and produce a certain effect.
All I am trying to say is, don't get your hopes up too much. Even if you find mushrooms, they might not end up providing the deeper insight you need to understand your suffering and how to end it.
I don't know how desperate you are to end your misery, but for what it's worth, I would suggest learning more about Buddhist teachings on suffering. I have used the most well known psychedelics (LSD, psilocybin, mescaline, DMT) hundreds of times. I love these medicines, and using them is certainly a fun thing to do in your free time (if you use them wisely).
However, trying to find lasting relief from suffering by using psychedelics, is in my opinion, just like chasing any other high. The best thing that psychedelics did for me, was open my mind enough that I was able to accept the possibility that learning about Buddhist teachings might help me.
Even when you have those totally transcendent trips where you feel like you will never be the same person again, you will eventually come down, the after glow will fade, and you WILL still be the same person. The same desires to "enjoy life, and love and enjoy the small things in life like sex and kisses" will return, and if you can't fulfill those cravings, you are going to continue suffering. Even if you do manage to fulfill those cravings and satisfy them for a little while, you will probably still be suffering.
1. All compounded things are impermanent. 2. All emotions are pain. 3. All things have no inherent existence. 4. Nirvana is beyond concepts.
http://khyentsefoundation.org/pdf/WMYNAB-shambhala.pdf
EDIT: Also, to actually try to answer one of your questions- if you want some mushrooms, the best way is to grow your own, and you are already in the right place if you want to do that.
Edited by FlyOnTheWall (06/27/15 06:34 AM)
|
Sagescruffy
CH



Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 2,011
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 6 months, 12 days
|
Re: Advice on my situation. Newbie, existential crisis and shrooming [Re: FlyOnTheWall]
#21862813 - 06/27/15 06:33 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
|
|
what a solid post man, I enjoyed reading that.
I didn't catch that part about all emotions being pain though, never heard that before.
-------------------- Love.  
Edited by Sagescruffy (06/27/15 06:36 AM)
|
|