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InvisibleModestMouse
IM WALKIN ON SUNSHINE
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Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 19,227
Loc: Upstate
Post original humor, get +5 * 1
    #21774104 - 06/07/15 01:33 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

You ever want to scare the shit out of a guy with a mustache?

Sneak up behind him and whisper  "I think she's going to press charges"

People always say drugs aren't a good long term solution to your problems.

But if you do them long enough, they are. You ever go to a grateful dead show and ask the man selling copper-wire wrapped necklaces how his day is going?

"Its excellent brother".


You ever notice how we have a weight problem in America
Yet we have a body image issue as well?

Its like our people are so fucked up that they're human. How dare we think we're too fat? No, we're just as God intended us to be. Now can you pass the doritos Susan? That dove Comercial is coming on soon and I can't wait to see what beached whale they showcase this time.

Original shit only no matter how good/bad. Can you make the Shroomery laugh?


--------------------
Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?


Edited by ModestMouse (06/07/15 01:36 PM)


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa Flag
Last seen: 9 hours, 15 minutes
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: ModestMouse] * 2
    #21774143 - 06/07/15 01:42 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I was on the highway and the guy in the car next me was texting... I got so mad, I threw my beer at him


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InvisibleConfucian
...
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Registered: 03/31/09
Posts: 1,741
Loc: USA Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: Patlal]
    #21774190 - 06/07/15 01:53 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

If you let A represent the thickness of a pizza, Z the radius, and PI is just PI, then the volume of said pizza is V = PIZZA

(just kidding, I stole that from Neil deGrasse Tyson's twitter page)


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InvisibleCalifornia
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N
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Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: ModestMouse]
    #21774192 - 06/07/15 01:53 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

So a pubber walks into OTD....


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OfflineTNK
Pleasures of Africa
I'm a teapot Unread Journal User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/10
Posts: 14,237
Loc: I AM THUNDERBOT
Last seen: 1 month, 18 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: California]
    #21774206 - 06/07/15 01:57 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

California said:
So a pubber walks into OTD....




And an OTD gets his ego smashed :awesomenod:

Be careful, "pubbers" might just ruin your little club.


--------------------
Edited by TNK (02/22/22 22:22 PM)


Edited by TNK (06/07/15 01:59 PM)


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InvisibleCalifornia
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N
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Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: TNK]
    #21774214 - 06/07/15 01:59 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Nah.  You are boring and weak.  Good luck with that.


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OfflineTNK
Pleasures of Africa
I'm a teapot Unread Journal User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/10
Posts: 14,237
Loc: I AM THUNDERBOT
Last seen: 1 month, 18 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: California]
    #21774218 - 06/07/15 01:59 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

California said:
Nah.  You are boring and weak.  Good luck with that.




Victory.


--------------------
Edited by TNK (02/22/22 22:22 PM)


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InvisibleCalifornia
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Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
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Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: TNK]
    #21774223 - 06/07/15 02:01 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

You following me into here from causing you butt hurt in OTD is not victory, kid.


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OfflineTNK
Pleasures of Africa
I'm a teapot Unread Journal User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/10
Posts: 14,237
Loc: I AM THUNDERBOT
Last seen: 1 month, 18 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: California]
    #21774227 - 06/07/15 02:01 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

California said:
You following me into here from causing you butt hurt in OTD is not victory, kid.




You think I'm following you? Double victory.
Maybe you just have yet to realize the game we are playing?


--------------------
Edited by TNK (02/22/22 22:22 PM)


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InvisibleCalifornia
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Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: TNK]
    #21774232 - 06/07/15 02:03 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

I'm not playing a game, silly kid. 
You literally just came in here and replied to me after I obviously made you butt hurt in OTD.  It's there for all to clearly see.


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Invisiblebilly jowl
blah
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Registered: 12/11/12
Posts: 1,496
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: California]
    #21774238 - 06/07/15 02:03 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

A Mexican and a black are riding in a car. Who would be driving?


--------------------


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OfflineTNK
Pleasures of Africa
I'm a teapot Unread Journal User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/10
Posts: 14,237
Loc: I AM THUNDERBOT
Last seen: 1 month, 18 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: California]
    #21774239 - 06/07/15 02:04 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

California said:
I'm not playing a game, silly kid. 
You literally just came in here and replied to me after I obviously made you butt hurt in OTD.  It's there for all to clearly see.




Well I guess you do have a point with that one. :thumbup:

And don't kid yourself, you know the game.


--------------------
Edited by TNK (02/22/22 22:22 PM)


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa Flag
Last seen: 9 hours, 15 minutes
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl]
    #21774240 - 06/07/15 02:04 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

billy jowl said:
A Mexican and a black are riding in a car. Who would be driving?




THe guy they're stealing the car from?


--------------------


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InvisibleCalifornia
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N
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Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 72,118
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl]
    #21774248 - 06/07/15 02:05 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

billy jowl said:
A Mexican and a black are riding in a car. Who would be driving?



A cop?  You, racist!


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Invisiblebilly jowl
blah
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Registered: 12/11/12
Posts: 1,496
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: Patlal]
    #21774252 - 06/07/15 02:06 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

The cops driving.fuck u beat me to it. Believe it or not a black guy told me that joke.


--------------------


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OfflineMajickMuffin
Edible Cult


Registered: 05/28/14
Posts: 4,345
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl]
    #21774275 - 06/07/15 02:12 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Heres some humor (give it a chance its only 30s):



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InvisibleMr.PhilCybin
Master Baiter
I'm a teapot

Registered: 06/13/11
Posts: 11,642
Loc: Gnarnia
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl]
    #21774313 - 06/07/15 02:18 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

you know what a "insert your small town here" 10 is?

an 8 who brings her own coke to the party


--------------------
I'm stupid, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is smart.
I'm ugly, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is beautiful.
I'm a loser, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is a winner.
Someday, I hope to be like Falcon91Wolvrn03 but secretly know I never will.


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Invisiblemadmodder
Trip More Drink Less


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 15,144
Loc: fuk zone
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: Mr.PhilCybin] * 2
    #21774355 - 06/07/15 02:24 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

original humor


--------------------



                                                                                       
>

 
                                            [__________________________]


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Invisiblebilly jowl
blah
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Registered: 12/11/12
Posts: 1,496
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: madmodder]
    #21774387 - 06/07/15 02:30 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?


--------------------


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InvisibleMr.PhilCybin
Master Baiter
I'm a teapot

Registered: 06/13/11
Posts: 11,642
Loc: Gnarnia
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: madmodder]
    #21774395 - 06/07/15 02:31 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

jokehrt


--------------------
I'm stupid, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is smart.
I'm ugly, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is beautiful.
I'm a loser, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is a winner.
Someday, I hope to be like Falcon91Wolvrn03 but secretly know I never will.


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OfflineMajickMuffin
Edible Cult


Registered: 05/28/14
Posts: 4,345
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl]
    #21774398 - 06/07/15 02:32 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

billy jowl said:
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?



Hookers suck cock.


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Invisiblebilly jowl
blah
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Registered: 12/11/12
Posts: 1,496
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl] * 1
    #21774403 - 06/07/15 02:32 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

The hooker can wash and resell her crack.
Womp womp womp


--------------------


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OfflineGanga Lova
fuck I spelled ganja wrong
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Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 328
Loc: Chicago Flag
Last seen: 8 years, 13 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: billy jowl]
    #21774660 - 06/07/15 03:36 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

What's the difference between a 4 year old and cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let cocaine fall out of a 50 story window

That one is just cruel.


--------------------
"My only fear in death is reincarnation"
    -Tupac Shakur


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InvisibleMalcolm_Xtasy
Oh baby what Is you doin??
Trans-male User Gallery


Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 13,851
Loc: Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: madmodder] * 2
    #21774689 - 06/07/15 03:41 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

madmodder said:
original humor




--------------------
I'm stupid, Enlil is smart.
I'm ugly, Enlil is beautiful.
I'm a loser, Enlil is a winner.
Someday, I hope to be like Enlil but secretly know I never will.


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InvisibleMr.PhilCybin
Master Baiter
I'm a teapot

Registered: 06/13/11
Posts: 11,642
Loc: Gnarnia
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: Malcolm_Xtasy]
    #21774693 - 06/07/15 03:42 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

oh wait,



I geeeeett iiiitttttt. :facepalm:


--------------------
I'm stupid, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is smart.
I'm ugly, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is beautiful.
I'm a loser, Falcon91Wolvrn03 is a winner.
Someday, I hope to be like Falcon91Wolvrn03 but secretly know I never will.


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Invisiblelarry.fisherman
shoulda died already
I'm a teapot


Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: California]
    #21774715 - 06/07/15 03:47 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

California said:
So a pubber walks into OTD....



Sometimes I think you're still in high school, then I read some more posts of yours and you probably just wish you still were.


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OfflineSimonJester
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 09/06/06
Posts: 1,076
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Last seen: 2 months, 16 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: larry.fisherman]
    #21774891 - 06/07/15 04:18 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Ever hear about the shepherd that listened to Metallica while he worked?

He liked to rock out with his flock out.

I started searching the jokes I know online, and that is the only one that is original.


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OfflinePatlal
You ask too many questions
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Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa Flag
Last seen: 9 hours, 15 minutes
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: SimonJester] * 1
    #21775146 - 06/07/15 05:20 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Like you know, some of us managed not to get in legal trouble after some night of drinking with friends.

Last time I went out, I had a few to many and my friend bought shots for everyone on top of it. Knowing that I was very drunk I made the wise decision to take a taxi home that night

Funny thing is, I never drove a taxi before and I'm still wondering where I found it.

Does anybody know a guy that lost his taxi?


--------------------


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InvisibleConfucian
...
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Registered: 03/31/09
Posts: 1,741
Loc: USA Flag
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: Patlal]
    #21775324 - 06/07/15 06:12 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

How'd the chicken US government cross the other side of the road?

It created a US Road Crossing Safety Division that studied the ways in which middle school kids crossed the road, it set up 5 meetings with the Department of Highway and Safety who finally on the 5th meeting were stumped so they advised giving out $750,000 in grant money for a team of scientists to study street crossing safety. The scientists realized that there was a .0005% chance that an injury would occur upon crossing the street so they proposed new regulations to make crossing the street more safe. The government took this advise and paid a team of lawyers $2.5 million to get a Senator to propose a new law. After 6 months of legislating efforts the bill finally passed and was signed by the President. This is how the US gov.t finally, after 3.5 years and $175 million spent, crossed the other side of the road.


Edited by Confucian (06/07/15 06:14 PM)


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Offlineakira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ

Registered: 08/28/09
Posts: 82,455
Loc: Onypeirophóros
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: Confucian]
    #21775553 - 06/07/15 07:09 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

comic jokes are not suited for this thread.

Musicians are the most sluggish, slow-brained mutts on the face of the Earth, we appear like out of thin air like slime mold, driven into existence by the right conditions by chance, we coruscate under the pale moonlight, haunting the streets, sucking society's of composure and graceful idiocy.


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InvisiblecApTaInCrAp
Delightfullyexcellent
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Registered: 03/19/04
Posts: 2,613
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: akira_akuma]
    #21776746 - 06/07/15 11:53 PM (8 years, 7 months ago)

...after a long hard day of work i stepped into the lunch room and was happily surprised to see vanilla pudding in a bowl.  Scoop me up some delicious snack and take it back to the table.  Grabbed a big ol' spoon full, shoved it in and could immediately tell it was no pudding but. .... Mayonnaise.

Made me so sad and disgusted..


--------------------
"...Terrific, im glad we've had this time to discuss..im outro, call me if you wanna blaze one up.."



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OfflineSunnyD
WiZarD oF LoVe
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Registered: 04/29/13
Posts: 25,236
Loc: Planet earth
Last seen: 1 month, 22 days
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: ModestMouse]
    #21776818 - 06/08/15 12:18 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Beer in one hand
cigarette in the other


--------------------
:sunny::inlove::peyotespectrum::peyotespectrum::inlove::sunny:
And to everyone who thinks life is just a game,
Do you like the part you are playing?
This is the time in life I am living!
And I face each day with a smile :smile:
My music Library of Synthesizer goodness


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Offlinepropensity
۞̷ ̶۞̷ ̶
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/06/10
Posts: 11,056
Loc: Bedrock America
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
Re: Post original humor, get +5 [Re: ModestMouse] * 1
    #21776827 - 06/08/15 12:21 AM (8 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

ModestMouse said:
You ever want to scare the shit out of a guy with a mustache?

Sneak up behind him and whisper  "I think she's going to press charges"

People always say drugs aren't a good long term solution to your problems.

But if you do them long enough, they are. You ever go to a grateful dead show and ask the man selling copper-wire wrapped necklaces how his day is going?

"Its excellent brother".


You ever notice how we have a weight problem in America
Yet we have a body image issue as well?

Its like our people are so fucked up that they're human. How dare we think we're too fat? No, we're just as God intended us to be. Now can you pass the doritos Susan? That dove Comercial is coming on soon and I can't wait to see what beached whale they showcase this time.

Original shit only no matter how good/bad. Can you make the Shroomery laugh?





--------------------


۞̷̛̗̗͉͇̰̅͒ͯͩ̆ͯ̑͘ ̶̖̭ͧ͛ͬ͑ͣͦ̍ͧ͐͟͢ www.cactophage.com ۞̷̛̗̗͉͇̰̅͒ͯͩ̆ͯ̑͘ ̶̖̭ͧ͛ͬ͑ͣͦ̍ͧ͐͟͢
̸ۨ͜۞̷̛̗̗͉͇̰̅͒ͯͩ̆ͯ̑͘ ̶̖̭ͧ͛ͬ͑ͣͦ̍ͧ͐͟Dolphins of Dank۞̷̛̗̗͉͇̰̅͒ͯͩ̆


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