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thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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I Cant Commit To Anybody
#21746815 - 05/31/15 11:24 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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So i haven't had a relationship for more than a week in the last 4 years. I can never stay with someone because its stressful on me. What im about to say is something that I dont like to bring up but i feel it plays a big role in this.
When i was 15 I had a girlfriend I really liked we used to trip on shrooms and smoke weed she was loving and caring. We dated for 3 months but during the summer I whent to stay with my dad so I couldn't see her but we talked on the phone almost every day. One night she called me and she was saying she had been drinking and pooping pills I thought nothing of it and was high myself. We talked for a long time and I needed to get some sleep because it was 2 in the morning and I was going to a skate park the next day.
Well I did not here from her for a few days and 3 days later my friend called me. He told me she had died that night she had killed herself shortly after I had talked to her I was the last one to talk to her alive. I was in shock I couldn't believe it I kept yelling at my friend saying fuck you I just talked to her she cant be dead and crying. I ened up almost dyeing myself because I felt so bad if I had just stayed on the phone with her she would be alive so i pooped a crazy amount of pills to kill the pain and honestly could have cared less if I did die. Her dad died 3 months after her. He got insanely drunk and crashed his car it caught on fire and he burned alive he was so drunk he couldn't move (or wanted to die she was his only child).
For a good year I was depressed acid helped me out of it but I still haven't been able to commit to a relationship and I don't know what to do. Its not that girls dont like me its that I never can ask them out and if I do I break up with them if the relationship goes any place. It scares me to care about someone again. I just cant go through loving somebody having them die and leave me here and its always in the back of my head. I just dont know what to do.
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Cosmopolite
Wannabe Linguist



Registered: 03/27/15
Posts: 192
Last seen: 8 years, 14 days
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That is really unfair man, i'm sorry you had to go through that. Honestly i have a slightly similar problem. No one died or anything, but i just don't trust people with relationships anymore. Any relationship i've ever been in that i really cared about never worked out for me, so it's made me want to just stick to myself. What i've resolved to do in the future is just to not invest myself into it anymore until i know deep down that it will be alright with the person. Just to not take the relationship seriously, and not lose myself in them. Otherwise i get way too into it and lose myself in them, and become insecure and paranoid.
So sure i'm going to date people, but it will be superficial until i know i'm safe. But even if you think you're safe, it's still a gamble. Love is a gamble really, but the rewards are worth the hard work. You just have to find the right person to invest yourself into.
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thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: I Cant Commit To Anybody [Re: Cosmopolite]
#21746875 - 05/31/15 11:49 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Its just i rember the last time i ate shrooms with her. She kept telling me that history is always going to repeat its self because the universe is just made of numbers that will repeat indefinitely with time. She dident mean her but it still freak's me out.
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Im sure Im the millionth person to tell you this but you know deep down it wasnt your fault, right? Its a sad little thing called life. Thousands of people drink and take pills every day and never OD. Her body chemistry just got pushed over the line
Did you ever talk to a therapist about this? thats some twisted shit to live with every day
--------------------
A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: I Cant Commit To Anybody [Re: bloodsheen]
#21749995 - 06/01/15 07:21 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
bloodsheen said: Im sure Im the millionth person to tell you this but you know deep down it wasnt your fault, right? Its a sad little thing called life. Thousands of people drink and take pills every day and never OD. Her body chemistry just got pushed over the line
Did you ever talk to a therapist about this? thats some twisted shit to live with every day
She dident OD she hung herself. I did talk to a therapist because I ended up in a mental hospital after a OD on mushrooms (mental OD 3 8ths of dry psilocybe azurescens tend to do that) but I found it to be stupid they never really cared and its not like some words will just make me forget it. What made me come to peace and stop being as depressed was realizing that she wouldn't have wanted me to die as well (I basically was dead doped out of my mind on pills all day). Maybe i will try ayahuasca it might help im much better now its been a few years but I still feel bad about it and think I could have done more or possibly saved her if only I said things like I love you so much and stuff she might still be here she was my first girlfriend and my last real one. But I don't do pills or real drugs anymore I stick to psychedelics and that's only once or twice a year. (well i do drink beer with some buddies after work every Friday but that's more social and I smoke cigs and weed every now and again) But would ayahuasca potently help me out or should I stay away from it (I don't want to go that far unless I have a reason to do so). I do know its not my fault but i feel like it is part my fault for not being their when she needed me the most.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Quote:
thewanderer25 said: Its just i rember the last time i ate shrooms with her. She kept telling me that history is always going to repeat its self because the universe is just made of numbers that will repeat indefinitely with time. She dident mean her but it still freak's me out.
I SAW THE EXACT SAME SHIT ON PCP, NO LIE!!!##
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thewanderer25
Special Karma



Registered: 08/11/13
Posts: 1,642
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 8 years, 2 months
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Re: I Cant Commit To Anybody [Re: Crystal G]
#21750814 - 06/01/15 10:32 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said:
Quote:
thewanderer25 said: Its just i rember the last time i ate shrooms with her. She kept telling me that history is always going to repeat its self because the universe is just made of numbers that will repeat indefinitely with time. She dident mean her but it still freak's me out.
I SAW THE EXACT SAME SHIT ON PCP, NO LIE!!!##
Im scared of PCP I saw a homeless guy smoke it and he started yelling at a wall. The cops showed up and he kept not listing to them so they handcuffed him to the head rest of the car he started freaking out yelling something about demons then he pulled on the seat with so much strength I couldn't believe my eyes. He broke his arm and pulled the headrest out of the seat the officers tazed him but he just started running. I dont know what happened after that but the image of his arm breaking is something I cant get out of my head.
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1,439
Loc:
Last seen: 1 month, 20 days
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Eternal recurrence. Everything that has happened will happen again but in a different manifestation. It's nothing to be afraid of . That's just how chaos and order work together.
Your next girlfriend won't die, well... she will. We all do. But not because you fall in love with her or the like. Just enjoy the moment and accept the totality of it all. Read some philosophy. You're not the first to go through these motions, brother.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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