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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 13 days
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What really constitutes an affair?
#21733877 - 05/28/15 07:24 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Id be very interested to hear what shroomerites think of as "cheating."
For instance, lets say a girl and a guy are dating and get into a huge fight, they "break up," the guy goes out and fucks the first girl who will have him. Then the next morning he starts to feel guilty, gets a text from his girlfriend "We should talk." They get back together. Is he obligated to confess the random hookup? In the grand scheme of things, is it worth risking ruining a potential lifetime together? Is one lie of omission the same as a true betrayal?
On the other end of the spectrum, lets say a girl and guy have a committed relationship. The girl is physically faithful always, in the sense that she never has sex with anyone else nor kisses anyone. But she has a friend that gives her something she is missing in her relationship. He looks at her in a certain way, or has good conversations with her, etc. If she hides this aspect in any way, the way it makes her feel, is that betrayal?
How about if a guy and girl are in a committed relationship, happily so, but one night the guy is hanging out with an old (female) friend, drinking, smoking weed, etc. She is lonely, and she starts to talk about how much she hurts being alone. He hugs her to make her feel better, then she moves in for a kiss. He doesn't stop her, they kiss for a moment, then he pushes her away. Is that single moment that he gave into tenderness and caring cheating?
Ive often heard in these cases that people on the shroomery boards tend to answer with "You need to talk to your partner about it. Communication is key." Which I agree with most of the time. But in these cases (and hundreds of others) how black and white is the line? Is honesty for the sake of honesty always the right way to go? And if honesty isn't always the best policy, how is it possible to know where to draw the line? Is it at guilt? ...Jimmy Carter once said he'd cheated on his wife because in God's eyes, thinking about cheating is the same as cheating. Which in most people's eyes is ridiculous.
So what do you guys think? Wheres the line? Btw, all three of these have happened to me, but if I was the guy or girl in each scenario I'll leave you to decide
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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CherryBom
Yoga Gypsy


Registered: 12/26/98
Posts: 11,177
Loc: Ontario
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: bloodsheen] 1
#21734034 - 05/28/15 08:12 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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That first scenario is play by play the Ross & Rachel scenario from Friends. Like bang on.
For sure you're watching Friends on Netflix.
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 13 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: CherryBom]
#21736775 - 05/29/15 12:55 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
CherryBom said: That first scenario is play by play the Ross & Rachel scenario from Friends. Like bang on.
For sure you're watching Friends on Netflix.
Lol, its a pretty common scenario. Trust me it happened to me and real life
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: bloodsheen]
#21736821 - 05/29/15 01:07 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Cheating is sexting. End of story.
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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basqueshaman
Todays scapegoat



Registered: 04/01/11
Posts: 6,258
Loc: Washington State
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: JustForToday]
#21737235 - 05/29/15 03:04 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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I'm more inclined to be upseted by developing a emotional relationship, than if I were to have a girl sleep with someone else. It's just
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: basqueshaman]
#21739892 - 05/30/15 06:19 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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The breakup scenario is one of those situations that you have to really think through and then pick the option that sucks the least. If you lie or withhold that info at any point, you have to maintain the lie or deception (which almost definitely means more lies and/or deception). The temporary benefits are not worth the serious long term drawbacks IMO. If you fess up right away you either end the relationship or you get to proceed with a reasonably healthy relationship. I like clean risks that have the possibility of ending well, And I'd prefer not to have a relationship rather than have one that's not open and honest, so I'd go with the latter option.
The "emotion cheating" one is way more complicated. The only thing I can say about it is that it's best not to add extra emotional bullshit to the problem by taking it personally or getting jealous or something like that. I'd be up front about what bothered me, but I wouldn't want her to give up on something she wanted just because I was bothered by it. That situation needs to be explored more thoroughly before any serious decisions are made. It's got to be resolved in a way that's fair and satisfying to both people.
I don't know about the third one, but I definitely wouldn't be okay with it if it were left unresolved, and I would want to talk about it very thoroughly to make sure I should still trust the GF. Otherwise I would end it.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#21740652 - 05/30/15 11:10 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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An affair is when you are in a supposedly committed relationship and put your penis in someone you are not committed to in a clandestine manner. Or, if female , you welcome another man's penis into your junk. It is also an affair if only your partner in clandestine hookups is committed to someone. If neither party is in a committed exclusive relationship then it is just a date.
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CaptainKurt
Stranger


Registered: 04/30/15
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: zappaisgod]
#21740700 - 05/30/15 11:25 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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"Breaking up" when you know your gonna get back together then having sex with someone else is cheating in my book. The breaking up is just an excuse to explore things with somebody else. Anyways if you talking to a chick and she breaks up with her BF for a week or two weeks so can sleep with you, you have to realize she will do the same thing to you if you ever got into a relationship with her...
Edited by CaptainKurt (05/30/15 11:27 AM)
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JustForToday
New Life, New Beginnings


Registered: 09/08/14
Posts: 3,186
Last seen: 6 years, 5 months
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: CaptainKurt]
#21740978 - 05/30/15 12:51 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Listen. I think it really is cheating because you didn't give time for the relationship to be over. Most times couples make up really quick. You know what I mean?
-------------------- Hey Shae, Are you still doing that hand thing? I heard you was doing that hand thing today. Oh God what is that?!
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
Last seen: 11 months, 21 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: CaptainKurt]
#21741845 - 05/30/15 05:12 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hit the nail on the head.
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: JustForToday]
#21741976 - 05/30/15 05:52 PM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
JustForToday said: Listen. I think it really is cheating because you didn't give time for the relationship to be over. Most times couples make up really quick. You know what I mean?
Is six years quick?
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
Last seen: 11 months, 21 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: zappaisgod]
#21743518 - 05/31/15 01:33 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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That's jumping the gun too fast man, god what kind of sick monster are you?
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: bloodsheen] 1
#21743670 - 05/31/15 03:03 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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bloodsheen said: For instance, lets say a girl and a guy are dating and get into a huge fight, they "break up," the guy goes out and fucks the first girl who will have him. Then the next morning he starts to feel guilty, gets a text from his girlfriend "We should talk." They get back together. Is he obligated to confess the random hookup? In the grand scheme of things, is it worth risking ruining a potential lifetime together? Is one lie of omission the same as a true betrayal?
I don't consider this cheating, but you are obligated to confess the hookup. I would not try to hide it, I always admitted that I did if we were having a break. Yeah it will hurt the other person, but depending on the reason for the break, it may be acceptable.
Honestly, if you knew how badly it would hurt the other person and you just used the break as an excuse to fuck somebody else, you probably didn't really love them enough to want them for a lifetime.
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On the other end of the spectrum, lets say a girl and guy have a committed relationship. The girl is physically faithful always, in the sense that she never has sex with anyone else nor kisses anyone. But she has a friend that gives her something she is missing in her relationship. He looks at her in a certain way, or has good conversations with her, etc. If she hides this aspect in any way, the way it makes her feel, is that betrayal?
If she hides it, yes it is some type of betrayal. But I wouldn't classify it as cheating, and IMO this is nothing to get jealous over. I have tons of male friends who I never have sex with, but talk about all my intimate details about my love life and sex life to. Sometimes I have "girl talk" with male friends.
Some men are WAYYY too over-the-top jealous about women having male friends, and same goes for overly jealous women too. If you have to hide your friendships or if your S/O is the type of person that is so jealous that they forbid you from seeing their friends, that is a bad sign, and personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.
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How about if a guy and girl are in a committed relationship, happily so, but one night the guy is hanging out with an old (female) friend, drinking, smoking weed, etc. She is lonely, and she starts to talk about how much she hurts being alone. He hugs her to make her feel better, then she moves in for a kiss. He doesn't stop her, they kiss for a moment, then he pushes her away. Is that single moment that he gave into tenderness and caring cheating?
No, not cheating. I've had stuff like that happen to me, usually when I was at a nightclub or bar, and some drunk guy who I was dancing with suddenly started kissing me. I let the kiss go on for maybe a couple seconds and then stopped it… I didn't push away immediately, because it kind of shocked me and caught me off guard (we weren't slow-dancing or grinding or dancing real close or anything usually), and I may have been a little tipsy myself so my reactions were slowed down.
If you stop it after a moment, it's not cheating. Sometimes this exact thing has happened right in front of my boyfriends, and they're usually pretty understanding about it.
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
Last seen: 11 months, 21 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Crystal G]
#21743762 - 05/31/15 04:07 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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I actually expect females to have lots of male friends, not because they are potential suiters but in my experience girls seem to relate a lot better to guys when they just want to talk about stuff, lay back, relax and just get away from the bitch and have real-talks.
IME, the girls I have met often complained they can't relate, almost 0, to other girls and most talks are very mundane topics, bitching about girls, hair, make up and all that jazz. Girls sometimes just want that logical side so they talk to males.
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Rosen_Rot]
#21743825 - 05/31/15 04:47 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Rosen_Rot said: I actually expect females to have lots of male friends, not because they are potential suiters but in my experience girls seem to relate a lot better to guys when they just want to talk about stuff, lay back, relax and just get away from the bitch and have real-talks.
IME, the girls I have met often complained they can't relate, almost 0, to other girls and most talks are very mundane topics, bitching about girls, hair, make up and all that jazz. Girls sometimes just want that logical side so they talk to males.
That's not the case at all with me. I love women, but I'm also a huge tomboy (all my hobbies are "male" hobbies, and all my friends constantly comment about how my brain thinks just like a man). So I just happen to have more male friends consequently due to my hobbies, it's definitely not because I don't get along with women, because I do.
I have female friends too, but with that said they are definitely not girly girls, but real down-to-earth, funny, skeezy, homegirl types.
The only women who bother me are the ones who get married, and suddenly decide they no longer want to be your friend. They no longer want your husband to be your friend, they no longer want all 3 of us to hang out together like we always used to. Now suddenly because they're married, they automatically assume for whatever reason that you're going to steal their husband. Like WTF dude… we've been friends for years and years and you're going to do me like that? You KNOW I don't even like blondes and don't even find your husband remotely attractive whatsoever. IDK, I just find that weird how married people change so fast.
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



Registered: 12/06/14
Posts: 1,225
Loc: Goa
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Crystal G]
#21743873 - 05/31/15 05:22 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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but I'm also a huge tomboy
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all my hobbies are "male" hobbies
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So I just happen to have more male friends consequently due to my hobbies
i.e you relate better to guys You just basically proven my point or perhaps I was not clear enough on my point and brought up bad examples I dunno, but I think we're on the same page with this one crystal 
Quote:
I have female friends too, but with that said they are definitely not girly girls
Meaning you don't have girl-friends who just constantly bitch, talk about make up and gossip, like most girls do What I said was a general out look based on general experience. Each case has to be evaluated individually. Not everyone acts like that and not everyone has friends like that either. Obviously your experience is going to differ from mine.
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You KNOW I don't even like blondes and don't even find your husband remotely attractive whatsoever.
Sounds like a personal issue. And that doesn't happen to just married people. It can happen to anyone who gets into a relationship. I've seen it from both genders, they are your friends but as soon as they get into a relationship they no longer have time for you, so yeah I can relate to you quite a bit on that one too
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IDK, I just find that weird how married people change so fast.
"Some of them want to use you, some of them want to be used by you"
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Crystal G]
#21743911 - 05/31/15 05:51 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said:
Quote:
Rosen_Rot said: I actually expect females to have lots of male friends, not because they are potential suiters but in my experience girls seem to relate a lot better to guys when they just want to talk about stuff, lay back, relax and just get away from the bitch and have real-talks.
IME, the girls I have met often complained they can't relate, almost 0, to other girls and most talks are very mundane topics, bitching about girls, hair, make up and all that jazz. Girls sometimes just want that logical side so they talk to males.
That's not the case at all with me. I love women, but I'm also a huge tomboy (all my hobbies are "male" hobbies, and all my friends constantly comment about how my brain thinks just like a man). So I just happen to have more male friends consequently due to my hobbies, it's definitely not because I don't get along with women, because I do.
I have female friends too, but with that said they are definitely not girly girls, but real down-to-earth, funny, skeezy, homegirl types.
The only women who bother me are the ones who get married, and suddenly decide they no longer want to be your friend. They no longer want your husband to be your friend, they no longer want all 3 of us to hang out together like we always used to. Now suddenly because they're married, they automatically assume for whatever reason that you're going to steal their husband. Like WTF dude… we've been friends for years and years and you're going to do me like that? You KNOW I don't even like blondes and don't even find your husband remotely attractive whatsoever. IDK, I just find that weird how married people change so fast.
That marriage-induced personality-change stuff is weird. I got to see it happen for the first time recently. My long-time buddy is getting married so he decided to dump all his friends, take up Catholicism (he even goes to church on weekdays), and join the choir. When I heard about it I was so flabbergasted I couldn't even laugh. This guy wasn't even remotely religious the whole time I knew him.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Rosen_Rot]
#21743913 - 05/31/15 05:55 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Rosen_Rot said: i.e you relate better to guys You just basically proven my point or perhaps I was not clear enough on my point and brought up bad examples I dunno, but I think we're on the same page with this one crystal 
Yeah don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to discredit what you said at all. I just have to comment on stuff like that when people categorize women as being super catty and that's the reason they don't have female friends. My comment wasn't really to you in particular, it's cool.
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Rosen_Rot
Learning



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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Crystal G]
#21743921 - 05/31/15 06:00 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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No probs Crystal 
I wasn't generalizing on the gender (or at least I didn't mean to) but merely parroting what I heard most women around me complain about other women and what these women found as common problems when trying to relate to their female friends in comparison to having male friends hehe
In my experience, I've just found women to be stone cold or just crazy but then again I was told I was quite messed up too.
As I said, each case should be evaluated individually
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"The internet has one rule; use or be used" - Bjeldiablo ''there is no loneliness, only moments where contentment is fleeting'' SBJs "The Basics" 3iRiS9 "Cirque du freak" B+ BONANZA
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: What really constitutes an affair? [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#21743922 - 05/31/15 06:00 AM (8 years, 7 months ago) |
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Mr.GuessWork said: That marriage-induced personality-change stuff is weird. I got to see it happen for the first time recently. My long-time buddy is getting married so he decided to dump all his friends, take up Catholicism (he even goes to church on weekdays), and join the choir. When I heard about it I was so flabbergasted I couldn't even laugh. This guy wasn't even remotely religious the whole time I knew him.
See, I don't understand doing any of that stuff just because you get married. I can understand to some extent that people change when they have KIDS, sure. I've seen hardcore tweakers and drug addicts turn into straight-laced conservative, church-going people the second they had a baby. People who used to party don't anymore because they feel too much responsibility, bla bla….
But to change that much, just for marriage? Fuck no. I don't understand that one bit.
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