Hey, so, I've posted here before a couple times or so in the past and uh, here's my problem.
I've been essentially in unrequited love with this girl for ~5 years, since sophomore year highschool, and we're friends, kind of close but its hard to gauge because, well, I've taken a few opportunities to try to get away from her but always come back because I have nothing else to look forward to it seems. She's been in her current relationship for little over a year, which was initiated maybe a week after her last relationship (which was since highschool).
Throughout these years I've tried to see her as more just a friend rather than someone I long for, but I haven't really had any luck. I've tried to meet other people but, well, I have social problems (scored a 98% I on myers-briggs...), very introverted and kind of just weird, and I haven't had any luck. I haven't met anyone else, the only other women I have really been able to even befriend since have been, well, my friends girlfriends and my dead best friends sister. I've been in community college for 3 years, with a term of break and some mixture of part and full time, but I haven't been able to meet anyone there and nobody seems to really want to talk to me there in the first place.
This term I've been hanging out with her more again. I hadn't hung out with her since the start of last summer, when she went on a long roadtrip with her then-newish boyfriend. She got back after my friend died. I don't want to get into those details. I didn't think I could handle seeing her, but I always come back because nobody else loves me, even the way she does, as a friend and nothing more...
Um. So basically I've decided my life can go in only so many directions from here. I don't know what to do really, but I want her to be happy, and I want me to be happy, and I want my decision in terms of what to do with my life to reflect at least one of those. So here goes. A list of my options. Help me brain this out, please.
1. Leave town - This seems like it could help. I've spent up to just over a full year without seeing her. It was hard but I never got over her. *Maybe* I could if I left town. I could potentially move to somewhere in Europe as a dual German-American citizen by birthright. I could do school overseas, for free even maybe, but finding a new love may be even more difficult because I'll be even more an outsider and don't really speak that good German, or any other language.
2. Stay but get away from her for real - Maybe I should give it one more chance. But every time I try to get away, I find I just... just can't find anyone else anyway, so it doesn't really matter. I'm just as sad, maybe even sadder.
3. Stay and continue to be friends - If I do this, things seem likely to stay this way. Who knows. Maybe I'll be able to meet someone through her one day and it could be a boon even. But I haven't yet so that's silly to expect. The plus side is, I think she really does enjoy me as a friend, and she has in the past told me she loves me and she is convincing, even if it may not be the quite the love I seek from her, so maybe this is the best choice for her. I'm already unhappy and I've been extremely unhappy since my friend died, and I've been quite miserable since I discovered how strong my feeling for her were, but perhaps most importantly, I've been depressed since my earliest memories. So maybe I should just think about her happiness and not my own. I don't know.
But then the other thing is, even if my friendship does make her in some way a happier person, which is hard to really say if it even does, I have to be honest with myself, I'm struggling hard with suicidal thought, it's been a daily part of my life for a few years now. I think that is part of why nobody else can like me. People like confidence, not depressed losers, and even if you keep those thoughts to yourself, it effects the way you act, it effects the way people see you, no matter how little they understand about it. I might kill myself. I want to believe I can find someone, but I don't see it anymore, I'm not getting any better, and I'm pretty sure I will die within the next 10 months if nothing changes.
I don't want to hurt her in any way. I don't want to her think she had any part in my decision if I do go down this path. I would rather her forget I ever existed than be pained by something like that. So, I guess that's basically what I have to say. Please, life changing advice, come to me.
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I actually remember you posting about this before. I remember because I went through something similar, it struck a cord with me
My situation was made quite a bit easier by the fact that I started to dislike her. She hung out with morally bankrupt people that didn't care about anything but drinking, smoking weed, and fucking anything that moved. They had no sympathy for people who were suffering in a way that affected them negatively, or essentially anyone different from themselves. Plus she was (ironically) hung up on a friend of mine and I started getting annoyed that she couldn't get over him, nor understood that this guy was essentially my best friend and I didn't want to hear her complain about him or his bitchy girlfriend.
But overall, the further I got from her the better my life was. I don't think moving away would help because then you'd be totally alienated from everyone and wouldn't have anything to take your mind off of her. And the move itself would be "for" her, so every single moment of every day would remind you of her.
To make it stick/work, though, you'd have to have something to replace it. A girl, a group of friends, a hobby, etc. I lived with a group of guys who were really cool and we did stuff together all the time, even if it was just watching TV, and it made it so eventually I even forgot about her entirely. I had one "relapse" with her where we started to hang out again, and immediately I regretted it.
So theres the conundrum. If being with her makes you feel happy, shes literally like a drug for you. When you have it life is grand, when you don't life falls to shit. No matter how great the drug is, if its actually hurting you in the long run, its no good for you. Like I said, for me it was easy because what I really missed was how it was when we were friends, not the person she actually was. If you can't see enough things about her to dislike, even if its not her fault and its just the way she makes you feel when shes not around, I'm not sure what to tell you.
Unfortunately the best piece of advise is the hardest. Get yourself some help (a therapist, a drug regimen, etc) and/or summon up the courage to put yourself out there and find someone else. I know when you are down as low as you are (Ive been there, trust me) both of those things sound like "just climb mount everest" but they are really the only options. But you have to keep in mind that even if you find someone, your demons may be put at bay but they are still lurking in the dark. Eventually they will come out and destroy everything.
The only real solution is to get help my friend. When you're able to start thinking clearly all of the answers to your problems will seem so obvious you'll wonder why you couldn't see them before.
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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The only thing that could replace her would be someone else. I want to believe it can happen but it just never does. When people first meet me they think I'm awkward and bland because my anxiety makes me so damn shy, when they finally get to know me, is I think when they realize how emotionally unstable I am.
I've considered therapy but I'm not going to take prescription meds I don't think. I'm a bit of a pharmacology enthusiast and, personally, all the medications I've heard about, that friends take, that I've just read about, sketch me out a little bit. Fuck SSRIs. Fuck benzos.
So do you think I should just ditch out? Truth is there's not much I don't like about her, and I've thought about that kind of thing a lot and tried to look for flaws that I could tell myself I wouldn't be able to handle, but when it comes down to it, if there are any, I'm quite unaware. Shes smart, funny, more cultured than most of the people here, we both seem to like all of eachothers music... Most of the qualities I like in people, especially a significant other, describe her. So I don't think I'm going to just start to dislike her any time soon.
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