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Invisibleguitardude3
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Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating!
    #21712775 - 05/23/15 01:07 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I had two all night ayahausca ceremonies two weeks ago, and I'm still integrating. I came to some dark realizations that are really messing with me.

Ever since I've come back from these ceremonies, I've been less tolerant, and more outwardly angry than I was before. I do think this is part of what I needed to learn, but I'm having a hard time balancing it. Most of my life, I've been marginalized by all those who were supposed to care the most for me. I really have tried to be a generous person, putting others before myself a lot of the time. Now I can't do that. I'm tired of people manipulating and forcing their way into advantageous positions. I always thought that my skills and abilities would be recognized, and that I would just grow into the position I wanted to be in. Now I realize just how animal humans really are. Nothing has changed from roman times except that this system is now set up to keep the ruling classes in power indefinitely. Power. That's what runs this place. That's why the most selfless people with the greatest intentions will always be over-run by those who are willing to fight harder. The strong survive, and that's it.

I've tried to be peaceful, understanding, open hearted, open minded, non-judgmental, and selfless because that's what we are taught is right, but it hasn't gotten me very far in life. I have to fight tooth and nail to reach my goals, and do away with anyone who stands in my way. The fucked up part is, what I want to do is free everyone, but whenever I tell them a gem of an idea, they either copy me exactly, or get jealous. It never just flows smoothly.

Here's an example. I've wanted to start a band since I was a teen. When I was finally good enough, me and a drummer buddy started to jam often. Then another buddy joined in with some lead guitar, and everything was starting to grow. I was elated! Soon after, the drummer decided he wanted to play guitar, and the guitarist didn't want to use my lyrics over his riffs, even though he had no better suggestions. Jealousy and ego prevail again. It slowly fizzled out, and later on I almost got in a fistfight with the guitarist over jealousy.

For years I've tried to look at my own personality to find the flaw that keeps causing this barrier, but ayahausca showed me that there was no flaw within me. It was within humanity. Once you start moving upwards, the leeches come in to pull you back down. This week almost the same situation happened with a new friend. He never wants to listen to any of my songs or ideas, and every time we 'jam', it's just him playing a bunch of random shit that supposed to impress me. It's not even played cleanly. No heart, no feel, just "funky riffs, maaaan." He got all pissed off when he found out that I get compensated to play the market and I didn't want him to play with me because he's never taken the time to practice with me.

I'm just sick of it. It's always some damn ego game, and I have to win them if I want to get where I'm going. Otherwise I'm just left in the dust like I have been my whole life. Now I know why they say it's lonely at the top. I'm not satisfied where I'm at, and I'll have to fight hard to get where I'm going. Especially in music. There's always someone around the corner who would love to take what you have. I was hoping that I would get a more peaceful and loving vision of reality through ayahuasca, but I didn't.

Keep in my mind, I haven't totally settled on any of these conclusions, because things could change any time. Part of me knows that I saw some cold hard truth, and I'll just have to accept it if I want to move on.


--------------------
All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat


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Offlinecrkhd
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: guitardude3]
    #21712989 - 05/23/15 04:02 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

If you add a light bearing plant with the ayahuasca you can tune into the silver liquid light which will show you all that is right with the world. The core essence within your heart which strives to do good always is all that is right with the world and this core essence is within each and every creature on Earth. Life is less so a matter of striving to attain something and far more so a matter of striving to unveil this core essence, to reveal its innate glory.


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"Everything there is, and all that there is, is a Pattern of unspeakable proportion. The Pattern contains everything that is, completely fixed in succession, all the minimal particles interconnected in every way that is. Every way that is is not every conceivable way, because not everything that can be conceived is manifest in the pattern."

"THE Human, you, is a miniscule but essential part of that pattern. In it lies complete fulfillment. It will never become something it is not, but it will never need to be anything else." - Wiccan_Seeker

"If boring drudgery was the way of the universe, everything would have killed itself long ago." - Spacerific


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InvisibleLunarEclipse
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: guitardude3]
    #21713187 - 05/23/15 06:43 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

The powerful are not so much fighters, as evil enforcers.  Still, people just can't fight evil, mostly because they don't relate to it, are afraid of it, and afraid of actually becoming evil.

Some are so afraid of reality, and so intent on what they think is important about keeping their paradigms, that they wouldn't even consider giving them up for four nickels.

Think about it.


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Anxiety is what you make it.


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OfflineDeviate
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: crkhd]
    #21713398 - 05/23/15 08:19 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

crkhd said:
If you add a light bearing plant with the ayahuasca you can tune into the silver liquid light which will show you all that is right with the world. The core essence within your heart which strives to do good always is all that is right with the world and this core essence is within each and every creature on Earth. Life is less so a matter of striving to attain something and far more so a matter of striving to unveil this core essence, to reveal its innate glory.





What is a light bearing plant?


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Offlinecrkhd
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: Deviate]
    #21714389 - 05/23/15 02:30 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

DMT


--------------------


"Everything there is, and all that there is, is a Pattern of unspeakable proportion. The Pattern contains everything that is, completely fixed in succession, all the minimal particles interconnected in every way that is. Every way that is is not every conceivable way, because not everything that can be conceived is manifest in the pattern."

"THE Human, you, is a miniscule but essential part of that pattern. In it lies complete fulfillment. It will never become something it is not, but it will never need to be anything else." - Wiccan_Seeker

"If boring drudgery was the way of the universe, everything would have killed itself long ago." - Spacerific


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: guitardude3]
    #21721637 - 05/25/15 04:29 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I think the following things might be helpful to you. (1) there is a vertical and a horizontal axis to our existence. The vertical is inner-directed, which also means it is an axis between our ego and Ultimate Reality (God). We develop spiritually along this axis first, and then we take our development to the horizontal axis, which is outer and other-directed. This is where we have to balance wisdom (dispassion) with compassion. We also have to employ ego (power), but for one to succeed in virtue and spiritual human development, power must always be guided by compassion. Evil is the dominance of power over compassion. Competition is a necessary evil wherein Darwinian survival-of-the-fittest 1st chakra survival motives draws down 3rd chakra power motives. From this, one gets every aspect from ruthless businesspeople to the Third Reich.

(2) The other thing that might help is the place in which all of our survival and social "games" fit in the scheme of one's life. To this I suggest Robert de Ropp's book The Master Game. Here is a brief synopsis: http://www.livereal.com/spiritual_arena/spiritual_members/master_game.htm IMO, the answer to your medicine experience is NOT more medicine, it is, as you have said, integration.


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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineDeviate
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #21721875 - 05/25/15 05:40 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Hey Markos, I have a question do you have any tips for developing dispassion?

For a while I studied teachings from folks like Tony Parsons, Bentinho Massaro and Adyashanti. These guys seldom talk about dispassion. However, I am also reading the Philokalia, and there it is literally insisted upon.

I feel as though dispassion is a major missing piece in my puzzle, because I can feel myself clinging to the body and bodily pleasure. In fact, I think one of the drawbacks of entheogens is that they can be so pleasurable that rather than develop disspassion, one tends to look forward to the next trip.

As I have mentioned, I am now eating Aminitas and these things, like the Philokalia, seem to insist on disspassion. They continuously show me how my greed for sensual enjoyment and aversion to pain draws me out of contemplation.

So what should I do? Fasts? sleeping on the ground? The Philokalia recommends this kind of thing, but when I try to sleep on the ground I find it very uncomfortable and always end up back in my warm cozy bed. I don't eat enough as it is, so I dont know if fasting is such a great idea for me healthwise and I am often tormented by sexual thoughts.


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Offlinedeff
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: Deviate] * 1
    #21722078 - 05/25/15 06:49 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

from my experience, cultivating love for others ironically also cultivates a certain level of dispassion towards things, as if the love for others takes the place of the love for material things and pleasure etc... to me the goal would not be a neutral dull state of pure dispassion, but a heartfelt love that transcends ones own material passions :smile: it feels a lot better too ! :smile:


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Offlinerxb
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: deff] * 1
    #21722126 - 05/25/15 07:04 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

when you put energy (electrons act like pure energy, so they are our analog) into a vacuum with no path to ground, it forms "teams"

while it seems those teams are in opposition, they actually are doing the same thing "trying to find ground"... they will swirl around each other forming clusters (even tho electrons all have the same polarity) they will form pseudo polar structures which attract and repel each other.

in the end. one finds a path to ground and they all flow together.

you are not darkness nor light nor good nor evil, you are simply on your path.

if something feels wrong to you, avoid it.

if something feels right, draw it near.

in all things be true to yourself.

when you are on your path life flows like swiming with a mighty river.

when you are off the path life flows like swimming against a mighty river.

and sometimes you just need to change your position in the river (which can be exhausting, and yet very fruitful)

dmt lets you speak and learn from the universe. it lets you tell the river what you need. and lets the river tell you whats ahead.

its not a gateway to bliss, unless you use it that way.


--------------------
->$10 FLOW HOOD ALTERNATIVE <-

. i cleaned a mold contaminated live culture and saved it. (might have useful applications)

[quote]Enlil said:
I'd be the guy with thousands of minions doing my bidding and all of the hot women locked in a cage for my use.[/quote]


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: Deviate]
    #21722823 - 05/25/15 09:50 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I am reminded of that page in BE HERE NOW that says, paraphrasing, 'after you've vibrated your spine, and ants have eaten your arms and legs, here you are, here & now.' I slept on a folded blanket and sheet with no pillow for almost a year, then used a thin pillow and one of those gray foam egg-box shaped camping mats for a year or so. I used to fast on the weekends, not every weekend - just fluids. I couldn't tolerate seeing women on TV so I stopped watching TV except for an occasional SNL show. I assiduously avoided malls. In college during 1971-75, I turned down sexual opportunities more than I engaged in them, but understand that I was very conflicted - trying to become celibate  almost immediately after I had first discovered sex. Falling in love with a gorgeous but promiscuous girl who was destined to become a sex worker for life didn't help matters. My attempts to live like a monk after graduation, back at my parents' house attracted a crazy girlfriend of a friend, who would show up in the middle of the night and throw stones at my bedroom window. Then I'd let her in, listen to her fake sob story and get laid that way. She was known for her BJs in 3 NJ counties. In 2 years of seminary I succumbed to one girl but ended it almost immediately, but I lusted after another who wasn't interested except in teasing me.

Now during the seminary years I was 23-25 years old, and the years were the Quaalude & cocaine dominated disco years of 1976-79. I had been a Deadhead since '72, but I was trying to give even that up, along with cannabis and LSD. Dispassion/detachment is not intended for the first stages of life according to the Hindu scheme of life stages, but I was living in the disco-West. http://hinduism.about.com/od/basics/p/fourstages.htm The loneliness and isolation after college (and I never had many friends in the middle of campus life) was more than most people could take. Everyone my age was trying to get high and get laid as a full time job. Employment was secondary, and mostly to support the former things. I wrote my younger brother who had begun college that I was becoming too spiritual, too soon. No lie. Kabbalah is not to be pursued until age 40 when in the Jewish stages of life, one is a householder and not obsessed with finding a mate. As the lyric in Pink Floyd's Shine On You Crazy Diamond go, "....you reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon, shine on you crazy diamond." Indeed, one of my brother's friends said the line to me "shine on you crazy diamond" as a parting message after tripping all night long ago.

The bottom line, as I once realized and shared with a seminary professor, Dr. James Ranck, that detachment doesn't need to mean a physical removal of oneself from other human beings. I didn't try to become a Catholic monk after all. One learns to be 'in the world but not of the world.' This translates into the virtue of self-control with regard to all aspects of life: food, drink, sex, status, money, power. Eat less, drink less, abhor casual sex, do not seek after ego-aggrandizement or money beyond what provides comfortable living (which is of course relative, but this doesn't mean settling for a smaller Malibu beach house). Striving after luxury homes, cars, clothing, toys also means that one finds oneself in the company of those with like values - essential materialism. Of course, one has to find others with similar values (partner/spouse too, or else a short-lived relationship) and more often than not, those who do not pursue such ends in American culture are usually not the spiritually-inclined but lazy, or dope-addicted, the leeches and gold-diggers who hope to ride on someone else's coattails. I know a guy who sets up New Age conventions and makes a lot of money. He claims to have been at Millbrook with Leary when he was very young. I find that doubtful, but even if he was, he and his friends are hustlers and opportunists, even while practicing alternative healing professions and such. They are not psychedelic or spiritual in ANY sense of the terms, but they masquerade as such.

Dispassion/Disinterest/Detachment/Ataraxia/Apatheia are very difficult to practice in a healthy (non-Schizoid or Schizotypal Personality Disorders) human being. It comes as symptoms to the illnesses mentioned, but they are not virtues there. Perhaps moderation, The Middle Way, is the better recourse. Buddha rejected asceticism. Even Jesus was about celebration, not austerity. Eventually, when you hit age 50, believe me, dispassion will occur naturally. Then it will be a blessing because you will not be in a position either sexually or socially to involve yourself in the passions that so distract you now. Be patient. Enjoy yourself but "Harm ye none."


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γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


Edited by MarkostheGnostic (05/26/15 09:36 AM)


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Invisiblejohnm214
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: guitardude3]
    #21723318 - 05/26/15 01:19 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)




That should be enough to get you started.


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Offlineepilectric
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: guitardude3]
    #21723987 - 05/26/15 08:24 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I understand where you're coming from, dude! I feel similar quite often. I have found out for me that i have to find a middle way. I try to be selfless and kindhearted to people who need it and deserve it - and forceful and confident when i feel that people are trying to exploit me.

Take your ayahuasca lesson seriously - but don't give up your noble values and motives. You need to find a way to bring both into accordance with each other.

And by the way, your musician colleagues sound like some dumbasses to be honest. There are many kindhearted people out there! Keep searching.

All the best!


--------------------
i :heartpump: shroomery

https://soundcloud.com/cyberhops/tracks


Edited by epilectric (05/26/15 08:24 AM)


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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: Ayahuasca journey... I need some help integrating! [Re: guitardude3]
    #21724012 - 05/26/15 08:35 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

hello dear friend,

you touch upon a ton of interesting points here

rxb's answer is very wise, in my opinion;

feel what is a good energy and what is not;

what brings you closer to your spirit, and what contracts the heart,

and opt for the former.

it's simple but it's a useful thing to come back to,

as i have said a few times, the whole spiritual path could be summarized essentially by 'always choose renewal'

along this way, everything is information,

as they say, every person is our teacher;

sometimes it's only a matter of needing more space, more love, or something like this.

if there's a lack of love in any situation it can't be created forcefully,

it all takes time, but fill yourself with strengthening, healing, positive ideals, and from this work the greatest achievement will come.


happiness and peace to you dear brother.

:heart:


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
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