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OfflineMr. Magic
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Registered: 07/13/14
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I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care
    #21712440 - 05/22/15 10:54 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

So well i have been battling with depression for many years, and currently still am at this moment. I have been suicidal, and have already basically killed myself once(i punched a window out and it cut my brachial artery in half on my left arm...miracle i lived as i was told by doctors), but still i cant come to terms with my issues.

I feel like i live my life on auto-pilot anymore. When i reflect on my day, as in like a time like this when i usually am, it merely seems just a dream to me.  I wake up, go to work 7-4, do whatever needs to be done at home(im renting) and then nothing...and im 19. That bugs me.

I am extremely quiet and have serious social anxiety issues, so i never made any friends in highschool.  I have a pretty great job right now, i make plenty of extra money, but theres no happiness.  Nothing to ever look forward to, same shit different day as some say.  Very true.

I used to abuse the hell out of benadryl.  I loved it, i never hallucinated(other than audibly though), i just loved the mellowing effects it had on me.  I became content and more sociable while on it, but it made me extremely depressed for the next day...until i took more.  It was a never ending cycle for awhile, i knew it was making me feel worse, but something about that shit calls to me.  I dont use it anymore(im on ambien for sleep which to me is wayyy healthier than the doses of diphen i was taking a night), but thats what started this downward slide for the worst.

I have tried therapy but i just cant open up enough for them to help me.  I feel like i have no hope other than to just keeping going as i am now.  I have absolutely 100% 0 friends.  Ive been depressed about myself for so long that i cant really say what exactly i am depressed about.

I just go about my day with no ambitions, just usually gliding along the day as if it was just the previous day

Well idk what else to whine about and would rather not waiste your time

i guess i am just looking for someone who he is willing to talk to me about this.

My life is basically just a dream to me anymore, and i really hate it.
any REPLY THSNKS


Edited by Mr. Magic (05/22/15 11:00 PM)


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OfflineLuSiD enthusiast
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Registered: 03/14/13
Posts: 4,325
Last seen: 4 years, 9 months
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21712460 - 05/22/15 11:01 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Can't really help, but at least know someone else feels like this, you aren't alone.


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I'm addicted to coke, weed, booze, ludes and speed.
Not LSD, you can't get addicted to LSD, it was built by scientists.

I ain't got no demons that gonna get woke.


In erowid we trust.

Just take your damn pills and don't ask any questions, you'll be fine.


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Invisibleguitardude3
Fellow Architect of Reality
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Registered: 01/10/10
Posts: 363
Loc: In the pines where the su...
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21712465 - 05/22/15 11:03 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

If it's just a dream then change it. Easier said than done though, I know. Focus on what you like and start getting rid of what you don't. Being as young as you are is confusing, but you will wish you were young again sometime in the future. At least you have a good job. If the money isn't that important, look for something else that will fulfill you in other ways. Other than that  :justdontknow: Life is hard, but not as hard as it could be.


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All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat


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OfflineMr. Magic
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Registered: 07/13/14
Posts: 1,951
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Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. [Re: guitardude3]
    #21712479 - 05/22/15 11:09 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

well i dont know i dont even have any hobies i particularly enjoy.  Life just seems so dull.


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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21712508 - 05/22/15 11:24 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Sometimes it is, but then it can get so crazy you will wish it were dull again. At your age, if you have some money to throw around, I'd go check out some cool party cities somewhere in the world. Go to some crazy week long festival. Burn through some cash, do some drugs (RESPONSIBLY!), and get laid. Just an idea. Try and think of the coolest thing you could possibly be doing then try and do it. Use the imagination! You'll be surprised what will find you if you're really open to it.


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All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat


Edited by guitardude3 (05/22/15 11:25 PM)


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InvisibleModestMouse
IM WALKIN ON SUNSHINE
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Registered: 05/06/13
Posts: 19,227
Loc: Upstate
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. [Re: guitardude3]
    #21712632 - 05/23/15 12:08 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

So true.
you need a system shock.
go to a few concerts, get the vibe for how people interact and use moderate amounts of alcohol to loosen up. Then when you're comfortable at a concert, take the advice above and go to a festival.

The truth is, we've all been there. Some for longer periods of time, some for their entire life. Don't let your negative voice dictate your life.


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Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?


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OfflineSoulidarity
With Your Halo Slippin . . .
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Posts: 17,617
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Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21712681 - 05/23/15 12:31 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I'm similar, but, you gotta try and get out there. Do new things, try to meet people etc. because if you don't try anything new, things will stay the same!

The Internet is great too. Particularly for people with social anxiety issues because you can interact on your own terms and meet people with similar interests.


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R.I.P. WoodRuss67, Todcasil, TheMerryIguana, The Rompus, Lord Senate.
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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care [Re: Mr. Magic] * 1
    #21712795 - 05/23/15 01:23 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Others have given some pretty good advice.

You are 19, that's quite young. I myself battled with some pretty severe depression from about 15-22. It gets better, if you want it to.

It sounds like you definitely need some interests and some hobbies. Get out there and find out what inspires you. Art? Music? Friends? You need something.

Try writing. If just to yourself... just getting all your thoughts out on paper can be very therapeutic and give you some deeper insight.
Writing here is a good start. But maybe try keeping a journal or something.. nothing serious.. but something where you just jot down your random thoughts.

You say you have no ambitions... find some. Find something to shoot for. Find a goal or two. Look for something you want and go for it.

Also make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy and shit. That's vitally important.
Also getting some fresh air and sunshine and exercise, even if just 5-15 minutes a day, also very important, especially for depression.

Then try to make a friend or two..

But one thing is for sure, you need a change. You can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect it to go differently. Do something different. Travel, go somewhere.


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21712797 - 05/23/15 01:24 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

it sounds like u have alot going for u man honestly

19 years old, man ur at prime for fun times dude. live it up.

if u need someone to listen im here for ya man, pm me or wutever.


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https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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OfflineMr. Magic
Male


Registered: 07/13/14
Posts: 1,951
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care [Re: zZZz]
    #21713712 - 05/23/15 10:29 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Hey thanks for the replys guys, that is exactly what i need. A problem that i have though with doing those things is well, my attitude. Ive always wanted to go to a music festival of some sorts, but that would mean me going alone. If i ever had made atleast one friend, itd be much easier.

My therapist actually advised me to do something like going to a concert, but i need help, i cant do it alone.
What i mean is if someone went with me, particularly someone who is social, and hung out while this person introduced me to people, i would be okay.
Going alone id have to do it myself in some way, but i have no social skills. I find myself to hate small talk. And well so what would be the point? Sure going to an event like that would sort of wake me up, but then what? Theres always temporary fixes, but nothing i can seem to find to make me truly happy.

I forgot to mention that well where i live, i am an outcast. Im different. I am not a cocky person by any means, but im confident that im smarter than most people in my small town. Its all about doing what you are expected to do with life, and thats going to school, then college, and making others proud.
Sooo many people around here that have drinking problems and are completely blind to that fact, and it bothers me. As soon as people found out about my experimentation with psychedelics, ive never been treated the same.
I just need a whole do over, just move away and start over.

I have the skills to do anything i set my mind to, but have trouble finding what that one thing i could set it to as a goal, for my life.

It sucks in this world where conforming to the general sense of what life means is right(education, career), and trying to be different is looked down upon.


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OfflineSupachopped719
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Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21713731 - 05/23/15 10:37 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

The first festival I ever went to, I went alone. I met so many great people and a couple I consider life long friends now.

If your sitting by yourself at a festival, trust me, people will try to adopt you into their group. Even if your straight up honest from the get go, that your a little awkward socially and have no friends. Most people can relate somewhat and they will just rock out with you no questions asked. Well they will probly ask a bunch of questions to get to know you.

Now I have a big festie family, and I adopt new members at every festival.

Your still in that age where it's cute to be awkward, girls love that shit when your young. Ride that and get some hippie ass dude.


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Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.


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InvisibleVivaLaMushie
RIP LS :(
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Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 15,711
Loc: Switzerland Flag
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21713758 - 05/23/15 10:48 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Hope you feel better, soon.


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InvisiblezZZz
jesus
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 33,478
Re: I hate my life...ill tell you why if you're willing to read on. IK debby downer read only if u care [Re: Mr. Magic]
    #21713759 - 05/23/15 10:48 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

just be urself, be eccentric, let ur thoughts be known, be honest with urself..

there are people out there who will appreciate u for who u really are, i guess i am also one of those people, it's ironic tho cuz i have trouble being myself sometimes but yet i envy those who are true to themselves, even if they're mean and cocky, at least they're being honest and that's something i really admire.

but yea man, something i like to think about to motivate me is life and its impermanence. everyone is equal, don't ever think that someone is above u nor u above others. u ever see those people who are always so loud and acting a fool?, well hey if they can do it so can u. it's ur right. have fun with it. it's like what this one fortune cookie once said, "dont be timid with ur actions, life is an expirament" or sum shit like that

one more thing, don't spend too much time thinking of what u want to do, just do it, :cool::thumbup:


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https://discord.gg/NHHd5y2Uyv


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