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Turtletotem
Dutch Delight



Registered: 09/02/13
Posts: 3,763
Last seen: 4 years, 11 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: moonrockmushy]
#21700467 - 05/19/15 10:58 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Listen to Zappa!
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DragonChaser
Ice in Her Ass and Pussy



Registered: 04/27/06
Posts: 7,212
Last seen: 6 years, 2 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend [Re: Crystal G]
#21708244 - 05/21/15 09:43 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said: And I didn't shower for like a week on that stuff. So the combination of the smell of my old sweat, combined with the smell of old drugs accumulated and smelled so horrible, even I could smell how horrible I smelled. You could smell me from 10 feet away. I literally saw bystanders give a disgusted "What's that smell?" look on their face, and then shoot me really nasty looks lol. I felt so bad for the people sitting next to me on the plane. 
You are the worst person I have ever heard of.
I wouldn't have let you get on the plane, if I was an airline employee.
-------------------- My name is Mud
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1,439
Loc:
Last seen: 1 month, 20 days
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Crystal G]
#21708406 - 05/21/15 10:43 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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You've turned hollow.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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Couperj



Registered: 06/05/11
Posts: 611
Loc: Umerika
Last seen: 3 years, 4 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend [Re: DragonChaser] 1
#21708421 - 05/21/15 10:47 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Dang kid. Get your shit together. Life can be pretty fucking great once you make peace with yourself.
Once we learn how to love ourselves, this behavior stops, as it no longer serves a purpose. The drugs are a symptom of a bigger problem. A deeper issue. Something that you may or may not have any memory of. Mushrooms helped me tear down that wall. Cacti helped me learn to feel the love of the universe, and mother aya taught me to love myself. I've been off of opiates for nearly six years now and I don't think I could have done it without the help of these sacred plants.
Life holds purpose for me. My life has meaning. Every day is still a struggle, I've just learned better ways to cope. I found AA/NA to be helpful, especially in early recovery, but eventually my personal views began to conflict with some aspects of the program.
I do feel that dating in early recovery is a disaster waiting to happen as when things go south (and they will) it becomes the most basic yet effective justification to relapse. We've gotta learn how to feel and deal with our emotions and how to love our self before we try jumping into a relationship.
You're not dead for a reason. But you might not survive another relapse. You are alive and you've got a story to tell. So go on and tell tour story. Perhaps your courage will inspire others.
I wish you luck in your journey. Also, sub withdrawals are still opiate withdrawals. Methadone is probably the worst to get off of, but if you are serious about taking your life back it won't matter.
-------------------- (¯`'·.¸(♥)¸.·'´¯) But suddenly you're ripped into being alive. And life is pain, and life is suffering, and life is horror, but my god you are alive and it is spectacular!
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eira
i am excited to be here


Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 1,031
Loc: L.A.
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend [Re: Couperj]
#21722385 - 05/25/15 08:11 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Funny enough, I also left Philly and came back to California 
Quote:
Crystal G said: I was a citizen of the earth,
From one citizen to another

Opening up your own rehab is a great dream Can't wait to see it blossom.
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maggotz


Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 7,539
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend [Re: eira]
#21722698 - 05/25/15 09:21 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
zappaisgod said:
Quote:
Malcolm_Xtasy said:
If crystal g was a dude they'd all be bitching him the fuck out and telling him how irresponsible he is

We had a chat but you won't see it here. It is none of your business.
hahahahahaha
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PDU
travel kid vs.amerika



Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend [Re: maggotz] 1
#21722718 - 05/25/15 09:25 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Crystal - you are one of the only posters who has stories more outrageous than mine. I enjoyed reading this one - thanks for sharing.
-------------------- GO OUTSIDE.
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topdog82
Death Spirit



Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 5 months, 3 days
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Crystal G]
#21724507 - 05/26/15 11:32 AM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said: Hey guys, so I was planning on sharing this story at this Narcotics Anonymous meeting that I consider to be my home group. But I'm more of an introvert and felt more comfortable sharing this story on the internet first.
So, some of you guys know the story about how I moved to Philadelphia and filed an application for a marriage license within 2 weeks of meeting some guy I met off the street and smoked crack with. So what happened was, I relapsed and everything spiraled out of control for me, so the last thing on my mind was even thinking about going through with the marriage license and getting married.
For me, this relapse was one the worst and the most severe relapses I've ever had. I was doing a bundle of dope a day (which is like the equivalent of 10-14 stamps for you people not familiar with East Coast terminology), and getting 40mg of methadone dose from the clinic on top of that. On top of THAT, I was smoking $100 worth of rock a day, AND smoking 6 PCP cigarettes on top of that. I didn't even realize until recently just how paranoid and delusional I was.
I thought I could control it. Even 60 days after going to detox and rehab and getting sober, I've been having these thoughts. That it was the CRACK that made me lose control, that it was the heroin that made me lose touch with reality. I thought up until recently that smoking PCP was fine, I justified it to myself because it was just a hallucinogen, it was harmless. For me, PCP made me really chill and relax, I would just smoke it, chill out in bed and watch stupid TV like The Bachelorette. I had no idea how it could possibly make people violent.
But one day, it eventually drove me to the point of psychosis. The more drugs that I did, the more and more paranoid I started getting of this guy I was supposed to marry. Basically, the very first time that we met, I was wandering the streets of Philadelphia looking to score drugs. I had just moved there, it was Christmas time, I was all alone and was walking around in the cold outside to see who I could approach for some of that infamous East Coast China White. And I met this guy, and within like an hour of meeting him, we smoked crack and had sex together. So basically, he was some random crackhead that I met on the street, and I was making plans within a week to fucking marry this guy. (We're still together BTW because he ended up being very sincere and lovable, but that only happened because I was extremely lucky. I definitely don't recommend anybody else make the choice that I did.)
I'm also very lucky, because my boyfriend was the one who convinced me to go back to California to go see my family. I honestly didn't even want to leave. The only reason I even came back to California and got to check myself into rehab is because of him. If it weren't for him pushing me, I would still be back in Philadelphia doing the exact same shit I was doing before.
So here's what happened. I had been smoking PCP cigarettes for close to a month straight on top of all the other drugs I was doing, I was doing it so often that I'm not even joking, I was tripping balls and feeling its effects for weeks after I stopped. I was tripping balls so hard, that I had an epiphany, and convinced myself that the universe was composed of a giant crack rock. And that's how the big bang started… was by some godly figure out there smoking a crack rock. And the crack rock exploded, and created all the planets and all the stars. Which makes sense, if you understand how crack pops and explodes as you smoke it. And suddenly, life made sense to me. The REAL reason life was so chaotic, and the reason societies and everybody's lives kept spiraling out and out of control, was because the universe was one giant crack rock. IT ALL. MADE. SENSE.
Like I said, I was already long fucking gone and had completely lost touch with reality long before I even made the decision to come here. So, I was at the airport getting ready to fly back to California, I was still hallucinating, still delusional, had been withdrawing from heroin and methadone for 72 hours. They had these TV screens by the gate, so while waiting to board the plane I was zoning out and watching TV to make time go by.
Well, on the TV screen, I saw that they were looking for a suspect who was apparently snatching children from West Philly neighborhoods and raping them. This apparently took place in West Philly, and the suspect was driving a red Volkswagen golf, which happened to be the exact same car that my boyfriend drove, and the exact same neighborhood that he lived in. The suspect was described as 5'10, black or Hispanic or "mixed race," and of a slim build, which is exactly the characteristics that my boyfriend could pass for. Exactly how many 5'10, mixed-race-looking guys in West Philly drove a red Volkswagen?
The first thing that I did when I got back to California, was that I phoned the Philadelphia police department, and I demanded to know the license plate number of the red Volkswagen the child rape suspect was driving. The officer on the line refused, saying that they weren't allowed to release that kind of information. I was like, "No, you'd better FUCKING TELL ME, right FUCKING NOW!!!!" I think the officer on the phone recognized the aggression in my tone of voice, and was worried that I was probably going to go out and track down the suspect and commit a homicide against him if she gave out his license plate to me. And she was right.
I was back at home, pacing around the room back and forth thinking to myself, "He FUCKING DID IT. I can't believe it. I swear to god, if he's fucking doing this, he is going to FUCKING DIE. There's no other choice. I HAVE to kill him."
I'm not even joking, I drew out a plan on a diagram, about how I was going to steal my parent's car, drive all the way to Philadelphia probably in under 3 days without even sleeping. I was going to stop by Arizona or Texas somewhere along the way, pick up a sniper rifle, and just park and sit outside of his house until he came out. And I was planning on shooting the motherfucker dead as soon as he came out of the house, because of my delusion. I even had my own suicide letter written out for afterwards. I didn't care how much money or time I spent. If I had to spend the rest of my life tracking this guy down just to have the satisfaction of shooting him myself, I was going to do it.
To me, there was no other way. I HAD to kill him to make things right. I was a citizen of the earth, and I was going to carry out swift justice, Crystal G style.
They ended up catching the guy by the way, and it wasn't my boyfriend. And I should have known that it wasn't him all along. But because I was so messed up in the head from all the drugs, and so completely detached from reality, I was just a ball of paranoia because at this point he was still somewhat of a stranger to me. And my paranoia was fueling my anger, and turning into homicidal rage because of it. It wasn't until I sobered up that I realized how delusional I was.
I remember accusing him of committing this crime while withdrawing, and his response was: "You think I'm out snatching kids off the street and raping them? Holy shit. Crystal, THOSE DRUGS HAVE FRIED YOUR BRAIN." 
I'm sure to all you men out there, that is the worst accusation that anybody could ever possibly dream up of, and that would be your biggest fear and nightmare, to be falsely accused of something like that.
This wasn't even a realization that I had until recently. After I went and checked myself into detox on a whim, I had actually forgotten all about this happening. I just remembered this all of a sudden after 60 days clean and sober, and I realized, "Holy shit, I almost murdered my boyfriend because I was so fucked up and delusional on drugs." That's a scary thought! Because sober, I realize that he is the LAST person who would do something like that.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't checked myself into detox. Would I have shot him? Maybe if I was lucky, would I have found myself driving back to the East Coast before reality sunk back in again, and I realized I was acting crazy? IF I was lucky. But what would have happened to my life then?
Suddenly, it made sense to me just how people could kill on PCP. It wasn't so much the fact that it made you aggressive and violent, it's the fact that it makes you lose touch with reality so far, that you begin to justify homicide to yourself.
I'm so glad I'm clean now. Thank you for listening to my story.
hahaha great story
half of me is laughing and the other half of me really wants you to get clean. I dont kno you personally but I have seen tons of your posts and I really hope you get fully clean
good luck
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Supachopped719
Stranger


Registered: 10/16/13
Posts: 3,311
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Oldgregg]
#21724545 - 05/26/15 11:47 AM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Oldgregg said:
Quote:
Crystal G said:
Quote:
Oldgregg said: by clean you mean taking subs everyday and the occasional shoot up right?
I am taking subs, yes. But there is no occasional shoot up. I said I WANT a shot of oxy so fucking bad, I never said I actually went out and scored any. I'm actually on a taper and am down to 0.25mg subs 3 times a day now.
The use of subs is very controversial among many people within N/A, and even high-ranking people will disagree and argue with each other over whether subs are truly considered being "sober" or not.
I would say it depends on how you use them. If you're using it like as a maintenance dose, then no you are still on the path to sobriety. If you shooting 8mg doses, you are using it as a drug to get high on.
Frankly, sometimes the NA/AA people can be hypocrites. The people who insist "you must be 100% sober" are also the same people who are getting prescribed shit like trazodone and Seroquel, which are other mind-altering drugs. Saying you aren't "100% sober because you're on suboxone" is like saying "You aren't 100% sober because you drink Red Bull and smoke cigs."
cool, was just wondering what you're definition of 'clean' was.
good luck to you
I just started attending NA/AA meetings last week. And I've noticed as well that most everyone is pounding the free coffee and smoke so many cigerettes it can stink if it's a smaller meeting room. Even though they are smoking outside.
Just something I never thought of, those are totally some type of crutch, or whatever it's called.
-------------------- Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.
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Bridgeburner
Not spiritual at all.




Registered: 09/16/06
Posts: 20,010
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Supachopped719]
#21724661 - 05/26/15 12:17 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Enough of this pampering Earth Citizen shit. Do you white knights realize she probably isn't going to fuck you, right? She is a danger to other people around her and it would be probably better if she had OD'd and died. She will cause a death somehow and walk away with barely a scratch. This whole rehab story is another period of her acting like she wants to stop but its just some downtime before she gears up again for some risky behaviour and kill a jaywalker or someone completely unrelated to her mental issues. She should be locked up, at least.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Bridgeburner]
#21724681 - 05/26/15 12:23 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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^^I've actually saved lives. Saved one of my friends from an O.D. by administering CPR and calling 911. Most junkies would be too afraid to call 911 and would have ditched the body.
I mean sure I might kill my boyfriend one day, but that would only be to teach that motherfucker a lesson. jk lol
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topdog82
Death Spirit



Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 5 months, 3 days
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Crystal G]
#21724725 - 05/26/15 12:38 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Bridgeburner said: Enough of this pampering Earth Citizen shit. Do you white knights realize she probably isn't going to fuck you, right? She is a danger to other people around her and it would be probably better if she had OD'd and died. She will cause a death somehow and walk away with barely a scratch. This whole rehab story is another period of her acting like she wants to stop but its just some downtime before she gears up again for some risky behaviour and kill a jaywalker or someone completely unrelated to her mental issues. She should be locked up, at least.
thanks for the sermon bro
 Quote:
Crystal G said: ^^I've actually saved lives. Saved one of my friends from an O.D. by administering CPR and calling 911. Most junkies would be too afraid to call 911 and would have ditched the body.
I mean sure I might kill my boyfriend one day, but that would only be to teach that motherfucker a lesson. jk lol
how long have you been clean now?
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: topdog82]
#21724732 - 05/26/15 12:39 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Since March 14th or so. I don't remember the exact day my last dose was, but I remember my plane ride to Cali was the Monday after that, and I had been withdrawing for at least 48 hours or so. So I'm guessing it was the 14th. Recently got my 60 day chip.
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moonrockmushy
High on Spite



Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 19,067
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Bridgeburner]
#21724738 - 05/26/15 12:41 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Bridgeburner said: Enough of this pampering Earth Citizen shit. Do you white knights realize she probably isn't going to fuck you, right?
I will denounce her if you fuck me.
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rackem



Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 14,024
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Crystal G]
#21724746 - 05/26/15 12:43 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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least aa/na is better than murder charges.. glad you are clean.
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topdog82
Death Spirit



Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 7,992
Loc: California
Last seen: 5 months, 3 days
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Crystal G]
#21724788 - 05/26/15 12:57 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said: Since March 14th or so. I don't remember the exact day my last dose was, but I remember my plane ride to Cali was the Monday after that, and I had been withdrawing for at least 48 hours or so. So I'm guessing it was the 14th. Recently got my 60 day chip.
well congrats on that
Please stay that way. I worry for fellow shroomerites
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Supachopped719
Stranger


Registered: 10/16/13
Posts: 3,311
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: topdog82] 1
#21725146 - 05/26/15 02:45 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
topdog82 said:
Quote:
Crystal G said: Since March 14th or so. I don't remember the exact day my last dose was, but I remember my plane ride to Cali was the Monday after that, and I had been withdrawing for at least 48 hours or so. So I'm guessing it was the 14th. Recently got my 60 day chip.
well congrats on that
Please stay that way. I worry for fellow shroomerites
Congrats on 60 days!
-------------------- Real Eyes Realize Real Lies.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: topdog82]
#21725166 - 05/26/15 02:54 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
topdog82 said:
Quote:
Crystal G said: Since March 14th or so. I don't remember the exact day my last dose was, but I remember my plane ride to Cali was the Monday after that, and I had been withdrawing for at least 48 hours or so. So I'm guessing it was the 14th. Recently got my 60 day chip.
well congrats on that
Please stay that way. I worry for fellow shroomerites
She's a good one to worry about. She has so much going for her and she is so prone to fucking up it makes it all so sad. She is not your garden variety idiot who makes bad decisions and I do not know why she does.
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The Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 13,498
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: Bridgeburner]
#21725172 - 05/26/15 02:56 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Bridgeburner said: Enough of this pampering Earth Citizen shit. Do you white knights realize she probably isn't going to fuck you, right? She is a danger to other people around her and it would be probably better if she had OD'd and died. She will cause a death somehow and walk away with barely a scratch. This whole rehab story is another period of her acting like she wants to stop but its just some downtime before she gears up again for some risky behaviour and kill a jaywalker or someone completely unrelated to her mental issues. She should be locked up, at least.
--------------------
"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head. If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.
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Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
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Re: PCP Made Me Delusional and I Almost Murdered My Boyfriend (A Long Story) [Re: The Doobie Dude]
#21725202 - 05/26/15 03:04 PM (8 years, 8 months ago) |
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Crystal, I sure hope you decide that your life is unmanageable and that you're powerless over these substances. My advice as a AA sponsor would be to latch on to a woman in the program that has been through similar stuff and turned their lives around with the steps. Ask that person to be your sponsor and do as they say. I say this as a person that survived the streets of Philly and New Orleans looking for drugs cocaine like you were 20 years ago.
I would also recommend staying away from any drug that has opiate like effects...IME, people that try this almost always fail when their supply gets cut off for some reason. You're better off tapering ff the subs and staying the fuck away from anything that has similar effects. You mention that some people in AA/NA use other mind altering drugs...there are a shit ton of people in theses programs with other conditions and some need medication to cope. I have personally witnessed a friends death by hanging after listening to some old fuck tell her that she shouldn't be taking any meds when she was so Bi-polar that a kindergartner could have diagnosed her.
Don't try to half ass this program...It doesn't work. I say this with love and from experience. I really hope that you get it this time and yes, I will include you in my prayers because I don't know who's prayer helped to get me sober.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
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