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Invisibletito123
Male
Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 3,006
Not experienced with relationships
    #21696710 - 05/18/15 11:40 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

This was meant to be a free-write but I think I'll leave it as it is(also on etiz, so hopefully it makes sense):

I don't know if I want to have sex with girls who share zero similar interests with, but those girls are very hard to find around here(or maybe I'm too picky, or I don't assert myself as much as I should)  Ideally, I'd like to find a girl who's cute, into reading, meditation, art, hiking, not crazy, but I'm having trouble.

There's a girl who is into me(who doesn't really fit the type of girl I'd like to be in a relationship with), and I'm open to having sex with her just for experimentation, or whatever.  I don't know if me not being into most girls is because I'm super picky or if I'm just so anxious that I'd rather take no risk and masturbate instead and not deal with any extra bullshit.

Do you guys have sex with girls after you drink/go on a date, or do you tell them before, so they don't get their hopes up?


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InvisibleSheekle
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Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 53,153
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: tito123]
    #21696738 - 05/18/15 11:51 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

You should probably be up-front with your intentions so as to avoid hurting anyone's feelings or give them any sort of false hope


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OfflineSuspector
A disheveled pattern
Male

Registered: 05/04/15
Posts: 502
Loc: Long Island NY
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: tito123]
    #21696757 - 05/18/15 11:56 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

You probably should tell them/her you aren't sure if you are interested in a relationship and that you are down for some innocent fun in the meantime.


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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


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OfflineBlack_Sunset
Amateur Anesthesiologist
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Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,451
Loc: Somewhere California
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: Suspector]
    #21698326 - 05/19/15 01:03 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

You sound pretty young and it's common to get frustrated over these things. Why don't you have some fun with this chick. After you guys fuck a few times you can talk about what you guys want. Who knows man, you might actually like her. you think you know who she is but really you have no idea. This is very common thing to do. Why not have some fun man? If you're not into it then just be clear that you want to keep thing as FWB and if you're mind changes then things can change.

You don't need to be with someone who you can see yourself marrying. You'll get some experience and you'll be more satisfied with yourself and you'll be better prepared for the next girl you date/fuck.

As for meeting chicks you need to change the places you hangout. If you want to meet chicks who meditate and read try a yoga studio. Meetup.com has cool things to do. Join a volunteering group.

You'll never find those girls in a bar or in your class. They are there but they aren't being that person in those environments and it's hard to see sometimes. Change your environment and you'll match up easier. Make friends with new people and do new things to find new girls.


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Invisibletito123
Male
Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 3,006
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: Black_Sunset]
    #21698372 - 05/19/15 01:15 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I'm just afraid that if I have sex with her a few times and we hang out, I'll grow too attached and not be rationally thinking about everything.

When I lost my virginity, I was hanging out with the girl every day for two weeks and thinking about her a lot(I still think about her a lot), even though there were red flags(btw, how do you even know whether it's worth going in for a relationship?  To be with someone, you have to accept their flaws, but is there an acceptable level of flaws to handle?)



Quote:

Black_Sunset said:
As for meeting chicks you need to change the places you hangout. If you want to meet chicks who meditate and read try a yoga studio. Meetup.com has cool things to do. Join a volunteering group.

You'll never find those girls in a bar or in your class. They are there but they aren't being that person in those environments and it's hard to see sometimes. Change your environment and you'll match up easier. Make friends with new people and do new things to find new girls.





and yeah, I'm taking steps to avoid bars and to start visiting museums, etc.  Partying all the time has become very unfulfilling but it's the norm with my friends and it's hard to make a complete 180 and dealing with the loneliness of going my lifestyle alone for a while.

I'm not very good at meeting people not sober.  I'm actually really terrible.  But I'm working on it.


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OfflineSuspector
A disheveled pattern
Male

Registered: 05/04/15
Posts: 502
Loc: Long Island NY
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: tito123]
    #21698395 - 05/19/15 01:20 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

I'm just afraid that if I have sex with her a few times and we hang out, I'll grow too attached and not be rationally thinking about everything.





You are afraid to like her because of the possible/probable differences in the nature of yourselves?

Just set boundaries. If you see yourself falling for her because of sex, take a step back and think logically instead of emotionally. Don't sit here and tell me you aren't the one in control. Do not set yourself up for failure from the get-go.

I have lived my life like I wasn't in control, it is no fun sir.


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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


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Invisibletito123
Male
Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 3,006
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: Suspector]
    #21699236 - 05/19/15 05:16 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I think it's a combination of

a. differences in us.  and I really don't want to get attached to someone I'm not compatible with because of sex.  It
b. and even though I'm not a virgin, I haven't had very much sex, and having sex makes me very anxious.  It's more appealing for me to stay at home and masturbate than go out, spend time with someone who isn't very fun to be around, just to have sex.
c. and this girl seems very very into me.  She's always the one texting me first, asking me questions, etc. and I'm indifferent about the whole thing and don't want to have sex with her and have her become infatuated with me and deal with messy emotions.


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OfflinelillFish
Daydreamer
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Registered: 01/18/09
Posts: 1,347
Loc: Recliner Flag
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Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: tito123]
    #21699782 - 05/19/15 07:28 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Just let her know all these things that you are thinking. If she's not down then you saved yourself some trouble. I do see that even if you tell her these things she or you could become attached. If that happens, just back up a bit. Be sure you don't get in bed with a crazy chick.


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OfflineBlack_Sunset
Amateur Anesthesiologist
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Registered: 11/16/08
Posts: 2,451
Loc: Somewhere California
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: tito123]
    #21700837 - 05/20/15 01:05 AM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

tito123 said:
I'm just afraid that if I have sex with her a few times and we hang out, I'll grow too attached and not be rationally thinking about everything.

When I lost my virginity, I was hanging out with the girl every day for two weeks and thinking about her a lot(I still think about her a lot), even though there were red flags(btw, how do you even know whether it's worth going in for a relationship?  To be with someone, you have to accept their flaws, but is there an acceptable level of flaws to handle?)



Quote:

Black_Sunset said:
As for meeting chicks you need to change the places you hangout. If you want to meet chicks who meditate and read try a yoga studio. Meetup.com has cool things to do. Join a volunteering group.

You'll never find those girls in a bar or in your class. They are there but they aren't being that person in those environments and it's hard to see sometimes. Change your environment and you'll match up easier. Make friends with new people and do new things to find new girls.





and yeah, I'm taking steps to avoid bars and to start visiting museums, etc.  Partying all the time has become very unfulfilling but it's the norm with my friends and it's hard to make a complete 180 and dealing with the loneliness of going my lifestyle alone for a while.

I'm not very good at meeting people not sober.  I'm actually really terrible.  But I'm working on it.





Yeah, you're young and trying to move away from the norm of our culture. It's going to be difficult but you have to follow what you want to make yourself happy. It's not a 180 thing my friend. You can treat it like that I suppose but not without a new life. Just take baby steps and adjust your lifestyle one thing at a time.

A lot of us are just like you. Me for example on the drinking/partying/bar thing. I used to party every week. Some weeks go out party hard 3 days and then drink/kick it the other 4. My life look completely different now but I don't prohibit myself from going on and having a good time at a bar or club. What I'm saying is there's an alternative to 180. You can still go out and get drunk with friends/girls AND be the person who you want to be. It's good for you to have some fun and even better for your social life.

Also your girl isn't at the museum. Think fun, social, exciting, active, interactive, sport, hobby. Find someone that interests you that fits some or all of those things and you'll be good


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Edited by Black_Sunset (05/20/15 01:09 AM)


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OfflineThaj
:-)

Registered: 04/30/15
Posts: 142
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: Black_Sunset]
    #21702374 - 05/20/15 01:19 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

I doubt you will get a girl that fits your requirements, it is an illusion and relationships would be rather boring in that case (instead of dating a person who can meditade, you could teach one how to do it). I would not worry about idealizing that, just live your life. Sooner or later someone will jump into your life, and the connection between you two will be the most important thing, regardless the imperfections.


Edited by Thaj (05/20/15 01:21 PM)


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Invisibletito123
Male
Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 3,006
Re: Not experienced with relationships [Re: Thaj]
    #21702423 - 05/20/15 01:37 PM (8 years, 8 months ago)

Well, yeah. Meditation isn't a prerequisite. But a similar outlook(not necessarily identical) and at least a few shared interests are.


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