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why do i do the things i do? and on the way to my chemistry class today, i applied this thought to my education. why am i going to college? the only straight answer that i could give myself was "for my dad"
this depressed me. sure, i like chemistry, and ultimatly i am doing it for myself, to further my grasp on a topic that fascinates me. but right now, at this moment...while driving to class today i realized that the only reason i am doing this is to live up to the expectations my father has laid out for me. this helped me explain why it has been so hard for me to get the work done, i just havent been feeling very motivated lately.
i got a test in like 20 min....and after dwelling on the situation for the past half hour i dont even feel like going anymore. why do i feel like i need to do this for my dad, for society, so i can get a nice job with nice pay and someday buy some happiness? i dont think money = happiness, but in todays world money sure does seem like a prerequisit to me....this really upsets me. in order for my father to be proud of me, in order to be accepted by society, i have to go get my degree...so i can make some money and so every one can see how SUCCESSFUL i have become. just look at all these little green peices of paper i have! arent they so pretty? bet you wish you had as much as i do huh? well be nice, and kiss my ass a little and i just might send a few crumbs your way....
god, i feel like throwing up. i mean, i dont really know where to go from here, or what i can get out of all of this. its like i had 20 different trains of thought meet at the center of my brain and derail, crash into each other and get all tangled together. i think a few of the cars are on fire, and another one is leaking some radioactive material. should i call hazmat? and in the mean time, i rummage through the wreckage trying to peice together my thoughts and ideas, to try to get back to some sort of sanity.....i dont know, i think the whole college thing is just a symptom of some underlying thing i got going on at the moment....cause normaly this would not put me in such a state. now i just got to find out what. anyway.....i got to go take a test
hey guy, don't worry too much about it, yer not the only one. I had a fluid dynamics test last week in which I had to learn 3 fucking painfully hard chapters the night before. In the middle of the 3 hour ass rape of a test, I just gave up, sat back in my chair and thought what I am doing with my life, very much like you had on your way to school. Getting a university degree has become another important step to a "happy, successful, and productive life" in the eyes of our society, along with getting a respectable job, buying a car, getting married, buying a house, going on vacatations to popular tropical places once every few years, etc, etc, etc. But in the end it all boils down to this: you need to have food on your table, clothes on your back, and a roof over your head. You can get these things by either hauling ass in a factory on night shift for example, or you can be playing around with chemicals in test tubes, prancing around in a white lab coat, and getting paid considerably more
About your dad wanting you to do this, it's like that with almost all parents. Once you are ready to go out in the world on your own, they want you to be able to take care of yourself and be able to survive because they won't be around forever to help you out.
There are very few things you can do in this situation: a-forget everything and go mindlessly on with your life. b-give up, and think about what you could have done with your life. c-find something that is worth staying for. d-win the lottery e-become selfsufficient, and leave society.