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Invisibleguitardude3
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Does this make me a shitty person?
    #21453513 - 03/24/15 10:32 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

So I've been gradually healing myself from trauma caused by a whole slew of unfortunate happenings, and I recently made a huge step in my healing with the assistance of ayahuasca and a good shaman. One of the people who really fucked me up was my stepfather. When I was a teen he was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and somewhat physically abusive. I won't get into the details in order to spare you all of a lot of time and painful reading, but he was a grade A asshole. It really did wonders for my self-esteem. Hence, all the psychedelic healing I've utilized.

During a solo LSD trip, I had a vision of him nearly crying, saying "I'm so sorry, I really fucked up. I don't know what I was thinking." This helped me realize that the guy is more fucked up than I am, and might not ever come to grips with his issues in this lifetime. During the Aya ceremony, I had another vision of him genuinely caring for me, but I was not accepting of some of the ways he tried to help me. I would have to agree with this vision because I really just hated the guy in my younger years.

Here is the meat of my curiosity. I no longer hate the guy, but he's still an asshole. My mom is a wonderful lady, and he always berates her. He used to do this to me, but I'm way too old to put up with that now, but he still treats my mom like shit sometimes. Recently, his health has taken a bad turn, and I really don't think he'll make it much longer. I don't wish death on the guy, but it might be the best for all of us. He's not happy living, and nobody is happy living with him. I don't think I'd be sad at all if he died. Does this make me a shitty person, or in the wrong in any way spiritually? What do you guys think. I honestly have no remorse thinking this way, but I'll admit, it is sort of grim.

I wish he would heal and just become a better person, but I really don't think that's going to happen in his lifetime.


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OfflineRenaissanceMaster
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21453658 - 03/24/15 11:07 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

i feel sorry for you. for this is the trauma my young nieces are going through with my asshole older brother. having people like him around you in life can really make you spiritually take a turn in the wrong direction. we all know what we enjoy as in virtues, to be intelligent charming and talented. SO if these people get in your way between how you want to perceive life, if they destroy your ambitions & motivation (like government), this is my word of advice. i would simply pack my things and leave, let them sit in their mind like a dog in a kennel. give your mother the advice to do the same and never give the bastard your phone number or address. forget the dude. dont wish death upon him, karmas a bitch anyways, to sit in a negative mindset is already like experiencing hell on earth. There are so much better feelz. :smile: im sure you know heheheahehaha trippy trippy but find a friend you can relate to and start fresh. if you can forget a good idea, you can forget bad memories as well, there are meditative placebos to fight them, like inhale, raise shoulders with breath, exhale drop shoulders, simultaneously imagining his effect on you fall into the deep void

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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: RenaissanceMaster]
    #21453756 - 03/24/15 11:32 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Thanks for the sympathy, but I kinda have to stay here for the moment. It's not a long term plan or anything by any means, but it is healthy for me to be near my mother right now. It's good for both of us at the moment. The way he treated me definitely led me to take a wrong turn spiritually, but I'm much stronger and wiser now, so he doesn't really affect me too much anymore. When another place opens up for me to go, I'm definitely gone, but for now it's pretty good. I don't hate him or wish he was dead anymore, but I wouldn't really miss him!

I will definitely try the breathing you recommend. At least I'm at a point where my mom and I can kind of laugh about his dickness when he's not around. He can really make an ass of himself, and karma has been getting him lately. Quite funny sometimes!


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All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat

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OfflineKush smoker 407
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21462709 - 03/26/15 09:14 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)
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Truthfully bro I had a lot of childhood trauma and shrooms has dwc helped me deal with and get threw it

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OfflineRenaissanceMaster
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21476613 - 03/29/15 09:45 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)


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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: RenaissanceMaster]
    #21544876 - 04/14/15 01:28 AM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Thank you both for your input. I will be checking this book out and also visiting grandmother aya again. I'm healing more every day!


--------------------
All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat

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Offlinezzripz
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21545053 - 04/14/15 04:21 AM (9 years, 1 month ago)

I was part up my my grandpa. He had been in WW1 and lost his wife when she was young and he also then had to bring up two kids, one my mum.
When I was little he could get grumpy, and being secretly gay he also was homophobic, and I am part African and he was racist. Not towards me, but things he said

He was of the Victorian era mentality, and into discipline--one time he chased me down the raod with a dog lead in his hand about to hit me with it. But he could also be loving too, and let me sit up and watch late night programmes

He didn't like it when I invited friends in when I was about 10/11.

I saw him about that age as very uncool and my mum as very cool. When he died round about that age, I put on crying. I was pretending, so there must have been a relief. This doesn't mean I hated or hate him. It is just how it is.

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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21545663 - 04/14/15 09:43 AM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

guitardude3 said:
Thank you both for your input. I will be checking this book out and also visiting grandmother aya again. I'm healing more every day!




This is so good to know.

I can relate to a lot of this!  Over the years (sometimes they feel like centuries, life is so full of fascinating details and good things. . )

I've learned a lot about healing - one thing specifically - when we are completely healed, then our powers are restored. .

Yeah karma works powerfully. . those who send out good and kind energy seem to be in good health. . those who send out very negative energy generally run into serious health problems sometime or other. . of course this can be explained physiologically too, they're probably both legitimate descriptions of the same thing happening.

All the best!


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
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Invisiblemindbodysoul
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: once in a lifetime]
    #21558235 - 04/17/15 02:16 AM (9 years, 1 month ago)

was there anything good that he did..maybe to help forgive him u can think of all the good things he did...dont be too hasty thou, everyone has there merits just like how everyone has there faults...dont forget he made u the person u r today.


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OfflineEllis Dee
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21558487 - 04/17/15 06:14 AM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Having remorse or regret is pretty weak. Just accept it and move on. Reliving this expereince might be messing you up more than your actual childhood did. You seem obcessed it it. Man up and go on with life, having no regrets or remourse as weaklings and little children do.


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"If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do."-King Solomon

And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,

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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: Ellis Dee]
    #21558919 - 04/17/15 08:54 AM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Not that guitardude needs any defense, but Ellis, friend, this make it pretty clear such is not the case at all

'Thank you both for your input. I will be checking this book out and also visiting grandmother aya again. I'm healing more every day!'

Pay attention, hehe ;-)

Have a wonderful day


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: once in a lifetime]
    #21565080 - 04/18/15 07:07 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Again, thank you so much for the positive re-enforcement.

:cheers:

Quote:

I've learned a lot about healing - one thing specifically - when we are completely healed, then our powers are restored.




So you believe there is a point when we are completely healed? The healer I'm working with claims that healing is an ongoing process, and the work is never really finished. I think he might have meant that once you are healed, you also need to help heal those around you.


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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21565216 - 04/18/15 07:47 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Yes.  One very useful idea I learned from William James. . 4th Chapter of Varieties of Religious Experience, the Religion of Healthy-Mindedness; a wonderful chapter, the only one I really needed tor read. .

The idea is that if we believe we are healed, then we are healed. . . the mind-cure movement, and it is very interesting.  Ever since I was young I realized - if placebo effect is extremely effective; then we should naturally use it to our own benefit - say positive and healing things to oneself, and then bestow the world with some kindness. 

"Loving oneself is the foundation for loving another person," as Hanh put it.  (Same is found in every culture).

It's only a part of it - but a very important part.

Hanh's teachings - as well as James' chapter on healthy mindedness - were central to me in transforming and experiencing these things in full. .

50 quotes

Also, Tara Brach's dharma talks were among the most transforming experience of my life -- I had studied philosophy and Zen and Sufism and all religions for almost a decade, practiced many years, chanted much, and made very, very much progress; and yet - her dharma talks were still completely transforming, and brought it all together for me.

Then I also went through Hanh's dharma talks - and eventually developed my own practice, along with chanting, meditating, and every other of the quickest paths. . .

Based on all this theory - I learned that writing in cursive, positive and healing messages down on paper, was among the most powerful methods for attaining unity within oneself, healing - and aids one in literally every endeavor.

At first it seems a little funny - and there is the sort of thought, 'well if I shared this it would sound funny,' but throughout my life, I honestly can say I owe more to this practice than. . . well, a lot. 

The theory is in Hanh's and James' writings - but to put it simply, it is sending one's energy down specific, healing and positive channels - this tends to awaken healing abilities latent; and also establishes self-trust and self-faith.

As the 3rd Zen patriarch said, self-trust is essentially, the highest thing in itself. 

'When trust and mind are not two,'
he wrote,
'not two, trust and mind,
there all words break off,
no past, no future, no now.'


And it helps greatly in all endeavors. . .

Part of the reason for this practice is that in our world today, there are so many suggestions and formations floating around - and most of them have nothing to do with us, not really, I realized.  So this practice is a way to regain sovereignty, all power in oneself, and it's a good aid to meditation (and also, brings together all the practices. . . )

After doing this for a while, it becomes infinitely easier to return to peace in any situation, to find calmness, etc., and in meditation, the goal is reached almost infinitely quicker. 

I agree very very much with the healer you are working with - once we're healed, then we wish to heal, and get to work on peace work in the world. . . We have two hands, one to receive with, and one to give with, as the saying goes.  These are just the most powerful methods I've found, and they incorporate a lot of other things. . .

The four basic ones that I found, were "I am strong," "I am healthy," "I am at peace," and even "I am happy," - why happy?  Because it's enormously, tremendously beneficial to ourselves, and to the world in general. .

Again Hanh,

“If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work.”

“From time to time, to remind ourselves to relax and be peaceful, we may wish to set aside some time for a retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, smile, drink tea with a friend, enjoy being together as if we are the happiest people on Earth.”


And McKenna. . .

"No one in the world is smarter than you, and if they are, what of it?  What good is there understanding doing you?"


Oh and you are very welcome. :-) 

Thank you very much for sharing your story. 


To quote Theodore Parker (quoted from James' work, as I went to peruse on this discussion),

"I have swum in clear sweet waters all my days; and if sometimes they were a little cold, and the stream ran adverse and something rough, it was never too strong to be breasted and swum through. From the days of earliest boyhood, when I went stumbling through the grass, . . . up to the gray-bearded manhood of this time, there is none but has left me honey in the hive of memory that I now feed on for present delight. When I recall the years . . . I am filled with a sense of sweetness and wonder that such little things can make a mortal so exceedingly rich. But I must confess that the chiefest of all my delights is still the religious."


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: once in a lifetime]
    #21565385 - 04/18/15 08:31 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Wow man. This is some really good info here. It resonates because I've come to the point where I know I have everything I need, I just need to practice strengthening my will in order to remember this in the times when I am tested. I think some chanting or constant affirmations would really help with this. I've used mantras, but I think I need to make more of a habit out of it so it becomes muscle memory.

Still, there might be some left over junk that I need to purge myself of because I've been through quite a bit of trauma. At least now I am thankful for it most of the time, because it has made me much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I've made it through some things that usually leave people broken for the rest of their lives. I really don't think I would have made it this far without the help of sacred plants and a strong will to persevere. Ayahuasca, with the aid of my healer, literally removed some sort of "energy" or "block" within me that had been there for over a decade. I thought life was hell for far too long. Although, not any longer than I could handle it seems. The experience was truly a blessing!


--------------------
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-Thich Nhat

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OfflineMquire
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: once in a lifetime]
    #21565967 - 04/18/15 11:47 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

I think the most important thing you realized is that his messed up behaviors are a result of his own issues he struggles with. That doesn't make it okay, but it helps you feel some sort of compassion, forgiveness and even the capability to let go of some of the hurt and anger he caused you.

It can stop there though dude, in my opinion. Your not jesus or Buddha, don't lie to yourself and pretend to love the guy now. He's still responsible for his actions, and if he's hurting your familly then you have every right to wish him a speedy goodbye (lol...)

There was probably someone or some experience that really fucked him up, and he then passed the buck to you. Try and find some peace in the fact that you put a stop to what could of been cycle after cycle of messed up people.

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Invisibleonce in a lifetime
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3]
    #21569794 - 04/19/15 09:25 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

I know the feeling - 100%. . yeah, Hanh resonated with me a lot too, because he got there, and teaches it simply - you can get to 100% peace, 100% love in this lifetime.  And, with a few practices it's possible to get to that place where you never fall down from again, and this peace work can help families and all kinds of people. . truly great stuff.  Ram Dass is another who taught a very similar path -

'Best thing I can do for you is work on myself, the best thing you can do for me is work on yourself,' he said, and also, to simply be a loving presence, without judgement or expectation of others; he expressed it, to allow others to be as they wish.  Same thing Hanh teaches, and also found in the Tao Te Ching and other genuine wisdom lineages..

I know exactly what you mean about - well, all of it; I'm glad to have met you. :-)  Sacred herb and strong will - very well put. 

I play guitar too, was lucky to have a wonderful teacher when I first started. . . been a while but music is such beautiful language. :smile:

Thanks again for writing about all of it.


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: Mquire]
    #21569811 - 04/19/15 09:29 PM (9 years, 1 month ago)

Yeah my dad shared this (along with so much else) when I was a kid; Eckhart Tolle talks a fair bit about 'sacred space,' and taking moments to pause and be free. . . all these things run in cycles, and one thing I learned is we are a whirlpool of information - and we can sort of transform our energy so that it is entirely focused on healing, growth, strength, peace, love, joy, those good things. . . one of the probably most important things is to understand that when we are kind to others, that makes us, and them stronger. . . that what we send out we get back - empathy and connectedness.


--------------------
Innocent, Oldfield & Hegerland          Julia Delaney, Bothy Band                                        Rasta Girl, Sister Carol                    Genesis, Jorma K
I Wish You Peace, Lawrence Laughing                                                                                                                    Do Your Thing, Moondog                     
large  . . music garden . .  very
all peace                    them hi
Starhouse - main
Time Traveler's Guide

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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: Mquire]
    #21573755 - 04/20/15 10:05 PM (9 years, 30 days ago)

Quote:

Mquire said:
I think the most important thing you realized is that his messed up behaviors are a result of his own issues he struggles with. That doesn't make it okay, but it helps you feel some sort of compassion, forgiveness and even the capability to let go of some of the hurt and anger he caused you.

It can stop there though dude, in my opinion. Your not jesus or Buddha, don't lie to yourself and pretend to love the guy now. He's still responsible for his actions, and if he's hurting your familly then you have every right to wish him a speedy goodbye (lol...)

There was probably someone or some experience that really fucked him up, and he then passed the buck to you. Try and find some peace in the fact that you put a stop to what could of been cycle after cycle of messed up people.




That's good to hear. I realized a while ago that something must have happened to him to make him act the way he does, but it took 'seeing' it in an altered state to really drive it home. It was almost like I got to see his inner self or 'true' self, and that part of him was really sorry about what he did. Coming back to reality and seeing who he is in day to day life makes it difficult to feel bad for his suffering. But I really don't have to, he's choosing to suffer most of the time.

I had to make choices in order to heal, and we all have the same power. It's just not as easy as a lot people think, depending on the damage that was done.


--------------------
All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat

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Invisibleguitardude3
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: once in a lifetime]
    #21573809 - 04/20/15 10:19 PM (9 years, 30 days ago)

^^^^^^

I'm glad my story was useful in some way. I plan on telling more of it in detail because I think it could help some people. I've gone from violent (sometimes fatalistic) thinking almost every day, to really looking forward to each day. It would be nice to share that with other people to show them it's possible.

I'm just starting to learn about sacred space, alters, and ritual. It truly is powerful stuff!

I'd like to hear some of your guitar skills sometime! I've been working on mine pretty hard for the past year or two, but I'm no Hendrix. I'm much better at songwriting/vocals than shredding.

Also if you're interested in getting involved in shamanic ceremony's, check out ONAC. It's a powerful resource for anyone who wants to use sacred plants with people who know what they're doing. I met my healer through their site.

It's a pleasure to have met you as well 'Once in a Lifetime!' I look forward to talking more sometime!

:biggrin:


--------------------
All you see is an illusion, including my posts.

"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
-Thich Nhat

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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Does this make me a shitty person? [Re: guitardude3] * 1
    #21576297 - 04/21/15 01:35 PM (9 years, 29 days ago)

For your benefit I suggest the following. There is no basis in reality for the colloquial expression "Forgive and forget." Forgiveness alone is a different matter. One cannot and should not be expected to forget abuse. In fact, remembrance of such mistreatment makes you more savvy and intuitive about potentially abusive people and can warn others when you sense it, thus converting your pain into compassionate action. Forgiveness has nothing to do with pretending that an offender is in any way OK. Forgiveness is not even an emotional act, it is an act of detachment. When you realize (as I did with my very sick ex-wfe) that your offender is damaged himself, and may even have tried to parent you with all of his distorted ways of thinking and feeling, you have already evidenced detachment. Not only that, you have shown 'discriminating wisdom,' a Buddhist expression illustrated in Tibetan Buddhism by the deity Manjushri - a wrathful looking thing with the Sword of Discriminating Wisdom held over his head, ready to cut at the roots of attachment to free your mind.

In Christianity, the same concept of 'discriminating wisdom' in Buddhism, is usually called 'the gift of discernment.' Here, the is the biblical parallel: "For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart" - Hebrews 4:12. Now "the word of God" should not be interpreted here as the written word. In the original Greek, "word" is 'Logos,' and Logos is "the mind of Christ," not an old book or scroll. Paul says "“We have the mind of Christ" in 1 Corinthians 2:16, and this is similar if not identical to having the 'gift of discernment' or 'discriminating wisdom.'

Now, to finish my point, having detachment is not the same thing as being cold and callous. As a matter of experience, being compassionate to a stranger or someone who has harmed you requires detachment. Acting compassionately is synonymous with the word "love" in the New Testament, which is Greek is agapé. It is not Eros, or Philias, Pragma, Ludus, or Philautia.* Agapé means a warm but dispassionate caring. It is the outward manifestation of your inward detachment. It is the human 'Way' to be, and it frees you from emotional attachments, the most dangerous for spiritual life (according to Buddhism), being anger. Agapé is not an emotional state, it is a condition of the will (in Christianity), or intention (in Phenomenological philosophy).

Your support can be kind without you actually having to LIKE the man. The same would go for strangers whom you have stopped to help but do not know and cannot know if you like them or not. You act compassionately because you are cultivating compassion as the intrinsic center of your consciousness, not because you're a 'nice guy,' or because your stepdad 'deserves' to be treated nicely. It really doesn't have anything to do with him so you're not giving him something he 'deserves.' More importantly, you are getting free from your negative associations with him by acting compassionately towards him. The Bible puts it this way: "If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink: For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee" - Psalms 25:21-22. The "LORD" will reward you in the sense that you will be manifesting the Logos, the "mind of Christ,' Bodhicitta (Heart-Mind) - cultivating compassion. YOU are changing for the better, he may never change, but that's not up to you anyway. This is your sadhana, your spiritual discipline in a nutshell (said in my typically long-winded way of course). :lol:

* http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life?utm_source=FB&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=20131227#.Ur7rEfzJtvU.facebook

Edited by MarkostheGnostic (04/22/15 07:44 PM)

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