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Offlinepsikooz
Stranger
Registered: 07/19/03
Posts: 1,023
Loc: Los Angeles
Last seen: 6 years, 6 months
A poem of mine. Please read and respond.
    #2153563 - 12/03/03 01:05 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

I fell in love with a wounded heart.
She cant see past the dark.
I want to help her see the day.
Wash her troubles right away.

Every kiss talked so loud.
We'd clear up the darkest clouds.
The way i feal cant be explained.
I hope she feals for me the same.

Every moment that we shared.
I tried to show her that i cared.
I love her too damn much.
I cant live without her touch.

I hope one day she'll feal the same.
Maybey she does just with some pain.
This girl with brown eyes that i love.
She could have only come from above.





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OfflineMilkyMedia
Lost Soul

Registered: 06/11/03
Posts: 259
Last seen: 9 years, 16 days
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: psikooz]
    #2154001 - 12/03/03 03:48 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

I find it sappy.....but I think that's just because of the rhyming structure. Reminds me of a rebound..or liking someone who will always be "just a friend."



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InvisibleJoshua
Holoman
Male

Registered: 10/27/98
Posts: 5,389
Loc: The Matrix
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: psikooz]
    #2154049 - 12/03/03 04:19 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

The poem is excellent because it comes from the heart.

Joshua


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Great books for inquiring minds!

"Life After Death is Saprophytic!"


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Offlineorizon
shroomin bliss

Registered: 08/22/03
Posts: 876
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: Joshua]
    #2154084 - 12/03/03 04:44 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

I guess a girl would like it...but it sounds a little cheesy coming from this end. Try to experiment a little more with mixed rythming structure. I like the poem but I feel like alot of that has been said before in a multiple of songs and poems.


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InvisibleJoshua
Holoman
Male

Registered: 10/27/98
Posts: 5,389
Loc: The Matrix
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: orizon]
    #2155158 - 12/03/03 02:40 PM (13 years, 7 months ago)

It is not my poem, yet you responded to me. I also doubt if any of us has had an original thought.

Joshua


--------------------
The Shroomery Bookstore

Great books for inquiring minds!

"Life After Death is Saprophytic!"


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Offlinepsikooz
Stranger
Registered: 07/19/03
Posts: 1,023
Loc: Los Angeles
Last seen: 6 years, 6 months
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: Joshua]
    #2156958 - 12/04/03 12:28 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Actually this poem is about how my girlfriend broke up with me, but wants to get back together after she takes care of her problems. LAst year a guy hurt her really bad, not physically, but emotionally. He told her he loved her, but then he cheated on her and basicly walked on her. Then i come along this year and we fall in love. After a while things start to fade. I notice she is acting strange. Eventually i confront her. After a discussion i find out that since her last boyfriend, she has been having issues with being close and intimate with another man. She wants to be with me, but she is experiencing some pain right now. I feal for her deeply, she knows this. I love this girl with everything i have. Time will tell.


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Offlineorizon
shroomin bliss

Registered: 08/22/03
Posts: 876
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: psikooz]
    #2158396 - 12/04/03 04:21 PM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Its a suitable poem for your situation. And Joshua..I was'nt directly responding to you....when I type in this blank box (at the bottom) while responding, unless I specify which poster I wish to reply to, then this forum puts a "RE" to the previous poster by default. Of course I was not directing the response to you...I was just anwering to the subject of this thread.


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Offlinescotsman1
addict
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/24/02
Posts: 820
Loc: guess
Last seen: 5 months, 8 days
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: orizon]
    #2161256 - 12/05/03 01:51 PM (13 years, 7 months ago)

did this bitch fan and spray your shrooms?
is that why your missing her?


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For English Gold


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Offlinescotsman1
addict
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/24/02
Posts: 820
Loc: guess
Last seen: 5 months, 8 days
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: scotsman1]
    #2161579 - 12/05/03 03:06 PM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Scottish sarcastic humor, in actual fact
its not bad, i prefer poems about life though
not love


--------------------
We're Bought and Sold
For English Gold


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OfflineKenny Bus
The enlightend

Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 321
Loc: ontario
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: scotsman1]
    #2162179 - 12/05/03 05:44 PM (13 years, 7 months ago)

good poem, i can feel it.

tell me wut guys think of mine, nmo1 responded :frown: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat...;o=&fpart=1


--------------------
KB


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Offlinenamaste
RuNnINg OwL
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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 4,747
Loc: Fiddler's Green
Last seen: 5 hours, 3 seconds
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: psikooz]
    #2163367 - 12/06/03 03:42 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

it's perfect, we need more happy endings.


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OfflineNoviseer
Percussion isFree
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/18/03
Posts: 3,994
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: namaste]
    #2163520 - 12/06/03 06:32 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Content: heartfelt, honest, good. 

Rhythm: a bit pedestrian :wink: You're halfway there, read your poems aload and listen to the music they create.  That helps  :thumbup:


--------------------
_______________________________________________________________
namaste said:
no flamz in da ODD, if you got nothing to contribute then keep yo lips zipped
_________________________________________________________________


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InvisibleZildjian
human

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 208
Loc: new zealand
Re: A poem of mine. Please read and respond. [Re: Noviseer]
    #2163662 - 12/06/03 09:05 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

It is good poem, though it's nothing new. There must be at least 10 million poems about being in love with another human, and the difficulties surrounding the love.

It seemed a little literal aswell; though this can be a good thing, you don't want too make it so metaphorical no one gets it (like many of my friends poems!).

It's good to write poems about how you feel, it helps you understand and come to terms with your emotions; though I feel that in a few years you may dislike the poem you have written.

fuck, I can't really criticize, my poems blow ass!


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