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OfflineFunkySpaceJam
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Registered: 12/02/03
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Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?)
    #2153483 - 12/03/03 12:31 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

Let's see how long I can hold your attention...

I'm studying at a music college to be a professional guitarist and lately there have been a lot of things on my mind. I've eaten mushrooms within the neighborhood of 15 times, acid within 5 (I've written them down somewhere too).

Strongest trips were two level 4's with my first time on mushrooms (2 summers ago), and last summer on acid. All trips within 1 1/2 years.

I feel that I have a good grasp, a good understanding on what psychedelics are about: becoming aware of things I was previously unaware. Deepening my sensitivity to things I am already aware of. And of course, unlocking my creative potential. In short: INTENSIFYING MY LIFE!!!

Tripping with my instrument or at a show is the best. But sometimes I feel so old. Sometimes before I play something on my guitar, before I even think it, it's already old. Ever feel like it's all been done before? That every feeling that has ever been felt has already been felt before by somebody? Maybe the situation wasn't quite the same, but somewhere in the passage of time, SOMEBODY has felt as happy as your happiest moment in your life, your saddest, etc...

I find myself bored with ordinary life. I have a hard time paying attention to regular conversation. IT'S JUST TOO DAMNED BORING! I'M SORRY I DON'T CARE HOW YOUR BEACH TRIP WENT!!! SOMEWHERE, I'VE ALREADY HEARD IT BEFORE!!!

This year at school, I've noticed that my aura extends much further, and I get the feeling it can be quite intimidating. What can I say? I hate bullshit! I don't give a fuck about things I don't give a fuck about! I wear a plain T-Shirt, jeans and sandals. If I'm feeling saucy I'll throw on a Tye-Dye. I snap my fingers to the metronome of my legs, and I jump 2 and 3 stairs at a time. One time I was really baked and I was walking through the lobby on the way to the cafeteria. This chick (I refer to her type as "Bitches") was walking, and as our paths neared her pace sped up noticeably. I got the distinct feeling I was the one causing her fear, anxiety, what have you. Which leads me to my next point. Since I started experiementing, my level of empathy and my ability to communicate with others has skyrocketed. Here at music college, the mere clash of musical idioms is strong enough to divide those that would otherwise be friends. Jazz and Metal. Will there ever be a fiercer war? Yet how am I able to walk between both worlds with ease?

I can't help but feel that I have evolved faster and farther than those around me. I question their ability to feel: their level of sensitivity. Sometimes I get really frustrated. Ever feel a particular emotion and NOT be able to convey EXACTLY the same feeling to another? The "nth degree" is always on my mind.

More recently I can't help but already see my life come to an end. I've already died. I might as well have, cause someday there will be a tomorrow when the world wakes up and I do not. I think about the hours that pass every day. I feel like time is running out. Many times I put off the things I used to think were fun in order to practice my guitar more: "Time is running out!! There are only XXX,XXX,XXX,XXX,XXX so many more hours in your life to practice!!"
And yet, I will practice my guitar to my grave, a grave I will not come back from. Speaking of not coming back! I can't help but get scared when I hear stories of somebody taking a trip and "not coming back". It scares me to death! I can't help but want to meet somebody and know them before and after they "don't come back". I want to learn from somebody elses mistakes.

Lately my buddy The Ganj has taken a radical turn. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of a trip. Just a few bowls/bongloads and suddenly things become really than real! I start analyzing things I know I shouldn't. "He set his glass of water on your desk, he's trying to show dominance!" HE PROBABLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT! But these are things that race through my mind. I can't help but get bugged out. But I can't help but think: In any given situation with 2 humans, one will be dominant, and the other will be submissive. The relationship between my (druggie/drummer) roomate and I is far more intense than any I have ever felt.

So, after all that blabbering, I would like to finally wrap it up. Music is what I love. I want to play what I feel the best I can while I can to the people who will listen. Many faculty members here have an underground reputation for using psychedelics. Our local headshop (only a block away!!) makes most of their money off of us. When I asked the rasta behind the counter she replied with, "...students, faculty members..." I plan to ask the teachers I've heard of soon, but I'm still searching for that level of sensitivity. It gets closer everyday. And after all that blabbering I'm searching for advice. Should I stop, or should I keep going?
Thank you kind soul for taking the time out of your busy life to try to comfort mine.

My name is Steve and I will be 21 human years old next month.

Groove On!
Steve



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Offlinedaba
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: FunkySpaceJam]
    #2153531 - 12/03/03 12:50 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

The decision is yours. Go on, if it feels uncomfortable, then stop.

And yes, weed is definately crazy after psychadellics :eyemouth:.


--------------------
Fold for The Shroomery!


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InvisiblePenroc3
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Registered: 11/03/02
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: daba]
    #2153571 - 12/03/03 01:07 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

well i dont think that it would be a good idea to ask you teachers if they use drugs just not a good idea if you ask me...and it just sounds like you are really board if you dont want to hear poeples stoires then dont hang around with thoes people, and unless you have some sort of underlying mental problem then you sould be fine eating mushrooms and acid jsut dont go to crazy....life is boring unless you grab it by the balls and toss it around a bit...maby you jsut need a good vaction ...well any way good luck


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Offlinerecalcitrant
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: FunkySpaceJam]
    #2153666 - 12/03/03 01:40 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

me too.

I say ask your teachers, you'll never know unless you ask. What's the worst that's going to happen? You'll get arrested for being a pot smoker? not likely. You can't live your like in fear :smile:

also, I'm not going to tell you what to do but just understand that psychedelics aren't going to give you all the answers and make life super fun again. While you may discover new flavours through drugs, you can certainly discover new flavours from sober life. 


--------------------

We have to answer our own prayers


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OfflineGinseng
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Registered: 11/27/03
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: recalcitrant]
    #2154400 - 12/03/03 10:41 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

I've had the same sort of feelings too. And also when I get high, i sometimes tend to analyze too many stupid things, like how you're friend set his glass down on your desk, and you started to have thoughts that could damage your relationship. Usually after I'm high I learn to forget about whatever shit I thought of because I know it's just stupid. Sometimes I'll learn truths, but instead of being upset about them, I just learn to accept them.
When you say you just get angry about shit and you don't care about anything, It is obvious that you do not fully know what psychedelics are about.. you should learn to appreciate things for what they are, and not compare them to how you would like things to be.

But don't worry, whatever bothers you now, most likely won't bother you in the future. It's probably just a phase, you'll get over it.

Just don't lose your touch with psychedelics, for they will answer any questions you have.


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OfflineGinseng
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: Ginseng]
    #2154406 - 12/03/03 10:43 AM (13 years, 6 days ago)

Maybe it is time you had a bad trip? Or an ego-loss experience?


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OfflinePsilozero
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Registered: 03/06/03
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: Ginseng]
    #2155436 - 12/03/03 03:54 PM (13 years, 6 days ago)

I feel for ya man.  I goto college right now and I just had to choose my major (Business).  I need a 3.0 the rest of my time at this place just to be able to have my major.  I haven't gotten a 3.0 since like freshman year of highschool (I'm a slacker) but I'm fairly smart.  College is kind of pissing me off (mainly because of the GPA shit), and I wish I could pursue music as a career like you!  :spliff:

I was in a band last year (playing bass) but the guitarist got engaged and moved out of state!  It fucking sucked! I just recently baught a guitar, and I consider myself pretty god damned good at it.  I practice non-stop, but I haven't found the "right people" to form a good band with yet.  Oh well - time to smoke another bowl.

Just hang in there dude, and try not to over-analyize life (death).  I over analyize a lot of shit too (especially on psychadelics or weed), but I don't really think about death to much.  I don't let it bother me. :nut:

I got shot in the heart in a dream the other night, but I stood up right after.  The bullet apparently went right next to it.  I then was walking around showing people my wound.  Weird stuff.


Have a good one, keep smokin', and keep playin'! :rasta: 


--------------------
http://myspace.com/thevoid


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Offlinedaft
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Registered: 11/25/03
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: Psilozero]
    #2156216 - 12/03/03 08:07 PM (13 years, 6 days ago)

He needs an ego loss experience.


--------------------
We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies--all these are private and, ex- cept through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.


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OfflineRuNE
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: daft]
    #2156836 - 12/03/03 11:43 PM (13 years, 5 days ago)

I agree with the need for an ego-loss experience, (aka asking the REAL questiong of the universe, 'who am i') but thats not really the reason i replied...

I just think its fucked up that your name is steve too, and that you'll also be turning 21 next month. :lol:


 


--------------------
~Happy sailing~


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Offlinedave52
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: RuNE]
    #2162195 - 12/05/03 05:49 PM (13 years, 4 days ago)

it sounds like your losing some degree of controll over your thoughts. your minds reactions sound like they are becoming more random, more abstract and less focused. like the water thing; what if it is to assert dominance? would it matter?
sitting and considering the abstract is fun, until you can no longer tell wether what your tinking in daily life is hypothetical or useful to bring you what you want; working on a skill, relaxing, building a relationship.
i think psychadelics make random connections between areas of thought in your mind that have already developed. the should help you consider the abstract, see yourself from new perspectives. but the only gauge on wether these things are positive are if the prove to be useful to you. dont let all your thoughts become just a contemplation.


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OfflineFunkySpaceJam
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Registered: 12/02/03
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: FunkySpaceJam]
    #2164265 - 12/06/03 03:03 PM (13 years, 3 days ago)

Thanks to all those kind enough to reply with encouraging words. Maybe I do not fully understand what psychedelics is all about (My journey isn't over! Woohoo!) Recently I've stumbled on a quote that's been blowin' my mind the last few days.

"Psychedelics are indeed the doorway of perception. Why are you still standing there? Go on, move through the door." -Ken Kesey

Or at least, something to that effect.
I keep hearing about an "ego-loss" experience, and somebody reccomended that I have a bad trip. I won't lie to you, I couldn't explain a bad trip if my life depended on it: I've never experienced it.
I was reading the trip levels, and 5 said something like "complete loss of ego". Is this what I need? Do I need to trip my balls off? The last strongest trip I had was at Bonnaroo, and I was fuckin scared man!!!

I especially appreciate the kind words from the business major dude. I felt like you had the greatest empathy to my situation. I've made my decision to ask some of the professors here. Quite recently I heard about this one black guy who looks just like Samual L. Jackson. Apparently he's an ass-chewer. From what I've heard, he told somebody to "Take those chords and shove 'em up your ass!" and "...if you don't get it right next class I'm gonna shove my dick in your ear!" and apparently on the first day of class when nobody knows exactly whether to pull their guitars out or leave em in their cases, he chewed some more ass. Something like "You're worthless! Go down to Deluca's (liquor store)" where he named like 30 different types of beer and alcohol "...get yourself a 6-pack of this, a bottle of that, etc. etc." One time somebody (some chick) called him on his cell during class, and he was shouting, and swearing, and he ended with "Go fuck yourself bitch!" I've been told he's always 10 minutes late to class, and he always wears sunglasses. I've also been told that when you talk to him during his office hours he's very kind and "sweet" and when told that he should get some medicine "for that cough" he said "I don't need no medicine! I need some weed!".
Maybe it's just smoke, I don't know, I just wanted to tell you guys about that proffessor cause I think he's fuckin funny! If somebody told me their were gonna shove their dick in my ear, I'd laugh hysterically! I don't know, the point is that there are a lot of professors here who make very little effort to hide their psychedelic hobbies.

I kind of lost track of where this was all going. All I know was that last night was a great night. I got to drink some brews (I illegally bought alcohol without ID, they didn't ask, I turn 21 Dec. 22nd, first day of Capricorn, First day when the days get longer) smoke some Ganj with my friends, burn some music all while playing Gunbound. I'm such a nerd! I couldn't enjoy just playing Gunbound by itself, I had to burn music at the same time so I wouldn't feel guilty. AHHHH Multitasking is taking over my life!

Upon reading the reply about overanalyzing death. It was quite shocking to hear somebody tell me that. I don't want to analyze death! I want to live and be happy and most importantly have fun. But sometimes I can't help think that time could be better spent doing other things. But I guess that's life.

One question that's been on my mind is that. What if I DO learn from somebody elses mistakes? What if somebody tells me the answers I'm looking for rather than finding them on my own (the hard way)? Would I appreciate that knowledge as much as if I learned it on my own?

But back to the ego-loss idea. I'm scared that if I have that experience I will not come back. Please, somebody explain.

Groove On!
Steve


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OfflineCubieman420
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: FunkySpaceJam]
    #2164340 - 12/06/03 03:46 PM (13 years, 3 days ago)

I think I have some of the same feelings you do to some degree, when I was in highschool I would walk through the hallways looking at everybody thinking that I was more "evolved" as you put it or that my mind just traveled further than theirs, and it was true to a degree because most of them were dumb jock rich kids that just get drunk all the time. Normal ("empty" conversations as I would call them) about what someone did over the weekend or something like that would just not interest me. I also can relate to the strange thought processes on pot. Sometimes when I get high it TOTALLY changes my personality for a bit, for example I will be really talkative and ready to go to a party or something like that, then I will get high and be really quite and be content with just chilling with a few people. I would suggest to just hang out with people that can relate to, to some extent once you take psychedelics it changes you and sometimes you just can't relate to people that haven't, that is somewhat extreme, but it is just like that sometimes. peace.


--------------------
"...now waters run free, no more fish in the sea..."
1983-2004


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OfflineGorian
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: Cubieman420]
    #2164542 - 12/06/03 05:25 PM (13 years, 3 days ago)

Get drunk :smile:


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OfflinePsilozero
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Registered: 03/06/03
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: Gorian]
    #2166459 - 12/07/03 02:34 PM (13 years, 2 days ago)

I've experienced ego loss once. You simply step outside yourself and look at who you really are, what you've become. The feeling only lasts for a little while, and after you are tripping you will be shot back down into your body, into "reality". You will (hopefully) remember the experience, and learn from it.

I beleive after this happens, you can look at yourself without the aid of any drug, and see what you are all about -- what you are doing wrong/right, and who you are.

All the questions won't be magically answered, but you will have a better feel of who you are, and what you have "become".


It almost seems like you are a little kid when on ego-loss. Like you are yourself from years and years ago, like your "true soul" and you are looking at who you are now. Its a very interesting experience I beleive could be really helpfull in psychotherapy.


--------------------
http://myspace.com/thevoid


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Offlineeve69
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: Psilozero]
    #2167011 - 12/07/03 06:41 PM (13 years, 2 days ago)

You have a brain and emotions which you have discovered and become aware of. This is infinitely better than merely being always driven by thoughts and feelings without knowing what they are. You have developed a more cosmic outlook. It's a common thing through psychedelics and then one has to make an additional allowance for themselves to adjust. The quick pace can rebound though and make one feel bored and a bit too quick tempered. I think you sound very intelligent and though many musicians are also maybe not all really really care about much. It sounds like you do really care about things. You know having motivation to practice is very good. Time is moving fast. You'll find this out when your 30 and 40 years old. Then it seems almost over, and yet it's only half gone. There isn't enough time ever for everything, one must focus. Having a focus is good. Just don't become a total asshole like Malmsteen. Look were his attitude got him, nowhere.

When time is speeding by one can tske a better appraisal of the moment. Therefore, slow down into the moment and pay attention, deep attention to the moment. Maybe even slow down your style to get more into the moment. This is what makes metal heavy. Slow down boy. Get into the moment. That's feeling groovy. Yea


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...or something







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Offlinemycophage
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Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: eve69]
    #2167678 - 12/08/03 12:37 AM (13 years, 1 day ago)

I don't think chatting with the faculty about illegal drugs will help anything.
It is encouraging however, to hear you're developing some empathy about how others may perceive you. Develop this ability further, the tryptamines used responsibly will help.
While your ego may need a little fractal realignment :smile:, ego-death should be approached only with the greatest humility and respect. Two attributes that are probably lacking in your current makeup.
My thinking is you should try to find the best and the brightest at your school. You're at a center of higher learning, right? Seek out the highest learned. The guy who "may" do psychedelics and cusses out his girlfriend in front of class would not be my first choice. Find the best musician there (If you think it's you, you're wrong) and get to know him/her. Audit a physics course, talk to the prof, lot's of options.
If you look at history, the greatest of the great (in any field) all knew they were standing on the shoulders of giants.
Good luck


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OfflineFunkySpaceJam
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Registered: 12/02/03
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Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
Re: I'm scared.......(this is a long one, can you help?) [Re: mycophage]
    #2173756 - 12/12/03 11:37 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

If you find a penny on the ground, tail side up,
Is it bad luck to flip it over? For the next percson, cause hey,
you're not actually pickin' it up :mushroom2:

Pictures kick ass. :thumbup:
Even if forever stuck, inside your head.

Groove On!
:heart: Steve :thumbup: :lol: :thumbup:


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