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teardrop on the fire
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Registered: 07/20/00
Posts: 10,974
Loc: further down the spiral
Last seen: 5 months, 17 days
I want so much to believe.
    #2148023 - 11/30/03 11:41 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

So here I am. The glorious escape that I plotted one year ago has culminated. The redneck hell that once was my home is hundreds of miles away. My new home is great. I'm doing well in school. Friday I have a job interview to be an RA. I don't even use drugs like I use to.

Not all has gone as planned. I lost my oldest friends recently. They've sunk into the paranoid grip of crystal meth such that I would not believe them if they told me the sky was blue. They think I am a sell=out, I think they are junkies. The last of my old school friends have moved to england. Both the girl I loved for a long time and my mentor. I suppose that I should have seen it coming. I'm not very bothered by it, but I am hurt that they were starting to lash out at me in the end....

But something has changed...

I've realized that no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I love some one, I can never trust them. If the people who were my family for years could turn into twisted distortions of themselves, how can I really believe in people I have known only months.

At first my mind rebelled against this way of thinking. I didn't want to accept it. Finally I fought it no longer.

I can honestly say that since that revelation I have not felt anything thing towards another human being.

That sounds melodramatic, but it is true.

Not only people, but other things. Last week I went to a concert. My favorite band. I had a good time, there was nothing wrong with the show. But I didn't get excited, energetic, or very happy about it.

The last thing left that I wanted. A girl. I found one, she is just like me, I took her out once, we had a great time... I had fun... logically I at this point could say she is perfect. But I don't feel anything towards her.

When I was a young man hate gave me strength. Later faith in Christ. That failed me, I decided that it was humanity I should believe in. That some how no matter what, love and goodness were inherant in people and that they would prevail.

Now there are sentiments I agree with
Things I think are beautiful
But I believe in nothing.

RIP Acidic_Sloth

Sunset_Mission said:
"larry the scary rex
verily scary when thoroughly vexed
invoke the shadows and dust, cast a hex
mercifully massacring memories masterfully
relocate from Ur to 8th density and become a cosmic bully
mulder and scully couldn't decipher his glyphs
invoke the shadows and dust, smoke infernal spliffs"
April 24th 2011

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Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 85
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
Re: I want so much to believe. [Re: Larrythescaryrex]
    #2148734 - 12/01/03 09:35 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

believe in life. and nature. im in the same boat you feel you are in.

im an outdoorsman, and i never understood why i felt the peace i have when im on the lake, or in the woods, secluded from the corruption of man.

then take those feelings back home with you and apply them to your daily life

good luck

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∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙
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Registered: 05/08/01
Posts: 19,605
Loc: city of angels Flag
Last seen: 3 hours, 45 minutes
Re: I want so much to believe. [Re: Larrythescaryrex]
    #2148813 - 12/01/03 10:21 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Sounds like Hope has taken a bit of a vacation on you  :crazy:

Sometimes numbing things out is an effective way of dealing with the harsh reality that life is often an unforgiving and hurtful medium.  However, that's not to say that you'll feel this way forever.  The only constant is change and in time I'm sure your views will again change and your beliefs grow.

I hope that you will, again soon anyway.  One shouldn't dwell on the possibility that someone is untrustworthy as there is no point in doing so.  Don't worry about that which you cannot control - you can only try to control yourself.  Take care larry  :spliff:


··∙   long live the shroomery  ∙··
...π╥ ╥π...

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--=..Did Adam and ...?=--
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Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 3,871
Loc: isle de la muerte Flag
Last seen: 10 months, 7 days
Re: I want so much to believe. [Re: geokills]
    #2149108 - 12/01/03 12:38 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

So work with what's in front of you and don't artificially try to embellish your life. I'm sure you are or will find pleasure in something. Only perhaps right now you're clearing out alot of the past. Therefore maybe you're finding it easier to accomplish by lumping everything together and just saying fuck it all. Factually though, if you look into things, you might actually find something of meaning. Maybe it's just your acheivements , big or small, in terms of having broke the mold that was made for you in your redneck hometown. Or maybe it's finding a job that has promise for once. Try to just enjoy these small things for now. There will be other real friends and lovers and faiths and beliefs later. But now it sounds like a time to just clear your mind and be focused on just a few things. Wow, I also went through things like this. This is a phase of most late teens breaking with their youth. It also happens again after college. It's either a time to make some new foundation for the future, or to fall back upon the past. Those things which really mean something will come back to you. Mark my word.

...or something

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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
Re: I want so much to believe. [Re: eve69]
    #2149755 - 12/01/03 05:07 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Go with it, Larry.

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