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Registered: 04/19/02
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I Want it All to End
    #2145040 - 11/29/03 07:44 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

What do you do when you want it all to end. When you start thinking of suicide. And planning out attemps in your mind. But you know you would never do that. So your mind goes crazy. I feel so alone and afraid right now. I feel like I am going out of my mind. Is it normal to develope physical symptoms? I am on medication, I don't know if I would be the same or worse off them. I don't know if I should even go back to the psychiatrist. I don't know if I should try a different one. I don't know if I should just fucking do nothing and go into a catatonic state. I am in such a state where I cannot do school. It is causing me so much grief, I have to give that up again!!!!! This is the third time. If I can't fucking pass this time, will I just become a fucking vegatable. I have all these dreams and goals. I might never achieve them. My life is over. But I won't commit suicide so I just lay in bed shaking.

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2145112 - 11/29/03 08:24 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Sometimes past and Beethoven's ninth symphony with the lights off helped some. I have a lot of tention pain though. At least I get a clonazepam for bed. Maybe tomorrow I will try to use some general semantics and try and decide what I should do. If you guys have any kind words that would be appreciated. I find any sort of nice comments seem to help me the best. Just knowing people are here for me. I feel lonely, I think all my friends have been busy, but I don't know.

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2145175 - 11/29/03 08:53 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

eh.. I dont really know what to say, cause you are describing my state as well. I feel like I could say and do everything and say or do nothing and everything would still be broken.
Although I may soon do something crazy putting me in a asylum would not help.

I am having crazy physical symtoms from my emotional and psychological promblems, its definately connected.

Whats wrong with you brother?
Something specific, or did you just slowly drift to your current position..
what inspires you man? other than people talking to me The thing that helps me stay alive is my inspirations.. music and every other art form I can try, sports.. mainly snowboarding but if I could I would do just about all of them, and the thought that I will give collage a try.
not to mention studying, thinking about the world and all that is in it..

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2145939 - 11/30/03 05:54 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Hey man I hear you. Its late, Im stoned and going to bed right after this post, Ill check back tommorow if you want, Id love to help even if its only a little bit.

obviously if you peruse this board often you realize you are not alone. That may not help much but, I dont know not in an evil way cause I dont want anyone to suffer,but knowing that theres people in worse/similar situations than me that are surviving helps me a bit.

Think of what you got good in your life. Again I know this is simple little shit in a way but try to control your negative thoughts. Do you have a warm bed to sleep in tonight? Are you sure your going to have food tommorow? May not sound like much but once you have been without those things (hopefully you never will) you never take simple things for granted. Im pretty sure if you look there will at least be a couple of things that you are happy bout?

I have been dealing with this type of shit in my life for at least 15 years. Just turned 33 a few days ago. I have done all the meds. I cannot tell you in good conscience to stop(def. need to taper if going this route with doc's supervision) or not do the psych thing because I did get certain things out of it. How old are you? Point is I actually got worse for about 5 years after first seeking help and going on meds. In and out of hospitals, over 12 times, lots and lots of Benzos, and 3 rounds of E.C.T. (electro shock therapy) at 6 treatments per round. I am now on disability, off all pills for 3 years now and use Pot and beer as my meds. I still get deeply depressed but at least now I have more good days than bad. I know I will never attempt suicide again but still wish often to just have a stroke or something in my sleep and not wake up.

I just want to stress its a long process but dont let that get you down. And NO I am not advocating just smoking pot and drinking beer will solve anything. In fact especially if your young it will probably hurt. In my situation I am doing what I feel I have to do in order to keep my promise to family and friends to stay alive.

Anyway Im just rambling to say Your not alone, things will get better if you want them to, it just wont happen overnight. I will be thinking positive shit to you, and check back tommorow, good luck man, It will get better!

Btw, how old are you and what meds and doses are you currently on if ya dont mind?

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2146167 - 11/30/03 09:43 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Heeey hang in there! *hugs*

Loneliness and anxiety are horrible feelings. On MP3 I'm playing REM's "Everybody Hurts" and its really that way. There is so much grief and agony around in the world, you're really not alone. People don't just apply for visa and go live in the capitol of Heineken because they feel good. The OTD bitch doesn't bitch because it is genuinely a fun thing to do. Most people are hurting. I wish I could actually do shit but we're 10.000 miles apart and then I've got my own crosses to bear. Believe me: there IS a way out and it is not embracing death. Things need to change in your life because it sounds like its biting wind on the outside and inside. Dreams and goals are wonderful things, but personally I had to shitcan 99/100 of them and set my standards a "little" lower because my dreams were hurting me by being out of reach.

I guess over 20 years of my life (I'm 31) I spent either suffering the torments of Hell on Earth or recovering from those endured. Please note I tend to write Hell with a capital "H" because I have high respect for the degree and variety in which we are capable to experience suffering. Within 30 seconds I can inflict a unique pain and suffering onto myself that'll make Baby Jesus cry but it can take a dude 30 years or more of hard mental/spiritual work to have an instance of rapture that matches the sheer intensity of said sensations. (please do not inflict pain and suffering onto yourself)

My penis for instance hasn't felt anything close to the intensity of sensation I got when I took a leak, the phone rang and I all to hastily zipped up my pants :eek: No localized part of orgasm was as joyful as this was excruciating (heh and I still had to unzip) The sounds of agony and ecstasy are just about the same, but its a world of difference on the inside :sad:

I sense your pain. We all do. Please know you are not alone and feel no unpleasantness in addressing it. We want to help you. It's a meager substitute but here on the Shroomery you are not alone and try to find strength on the inside :heart:
Because I'm a rational, analytical dude the rest of the mail will be all about practical stuff about getting on the road again, speaking from own experience and assumed knowledge.
Don't want to be a smartass and I certainly don't think I'm "all that" but I don't feel right being just warm and feeling when I can whip out the big guns and rattle at 175 rpm cyclic.
Hey sorry, thats my way of doing things..

No need for drastic thoughts. It is quite taboo but most peope have or have had suicidal thoughts at one time or another. Well, I've had lots of them at one time AND another and I can assure people the combination of an analytical scientific mind, emotional detachment through mental depression, a life that sucks and genuine and sincere loneliness leads to bouts of warm romantic daydreaming regarding shutting the door.
Well er.. been there, done that (not the act) and I learned things can actually suck and blow at the same time. :sad:

I had all these elaborate theories about the what and the why and justifications of any and all, but by the end of the day all of it boiled down to -suffering-. God sent an angel to me, which took the shape of 200mg Lamictal (lamotigrine), a novel mood stabilizer to be taken once daily with some months to kick in and an open-ended regimen. The Lam ofcourse didn't do it all, because cranking up the brain was clearly needed, but when your life bites wind it isnt just brain chemistry but you need psychological changes and a new outlook on things too. For me it was a combination of medication and meditation that put me in the land of smiles again, and now I can fucking -do stuff- because the moodswings and negative spirals don't sap my strength. Objectively speaking, when compared to others, my life on this moment still sucks.

But things are happening and I'm growing & shit in a goodmoodedness that's hardly graspable to others. This isn't a drug high (sorry folks, Lam don't do that) but it's due to drastic changes in my view of things through meditation which was helped by having 19/20 of my then dayly expolosive depressions lifted from me, which -was- a brainthing, and quite tiring too.
And guess what: My habit of carefully taking the top of my skull of and bitchslapping the shit out of my brain on a daily basis with an onslaught of drugs... ceased. Withdrawals were bitches and I'm a fag :rolleyes: but after that the multiple daily drugs just stopped.

Upon hearing your situation many will think something like:
"Break an XTC pill in four parts. Pop a quarter, snort a quarter, plug a quarter and shoot the rest. :evil: "
Well.. its a good thing they keep this ill wisdom to themselves because in this recreational drugs will -not- help things. In fact they can (and maybe have) add to the problem itself.
For me when I stabilized, drug use oozed out of me and when the withdrawals were done I hardly even missed them, just like a cat sheds her winter-fur in spring. 

One mug of coffee in the morning to pick me up and it tastes better then decaf.One, two or three beers once every some weeks. LSD/mushrooms/ecstasy/salvia-type psychedelics once every some months. And thats all folks. All those other exotic drugs I have quit, slipped out of. Despite all excuses I made back then it was purely SELF-MEDICATION. Feel down? Upper. Feel up? Downer. Feel like shit all the time? well, anything sensible with euphoria all the time.
Stuff was wrong in my brain and wrong in my life and it needed fixing badly. Polydrug users aren't stupid, just misinformed. When you get high all the time you NEED a drug. You are entitled to one. Because stuff IS wrong. But it can never be a recreational get-high kind of drug but it has to be a pharmaceutical with no associated tolerance and ABSOLUTELY supervised by a competent doctor. When shit gets chronic a drug regimen often is called for.

Anxiety? Buspirone or 1-2mg haloperidol when not psychotic.
Depression/dysphoria? An antidepressent (like an SSRI) if that specific drug works for YOU and it may take a while to get the right one because there are over a dozen kinds and all can bite you.
Mood swings etc? A mood stabilizer, the very best of the wide range being lamotigrine/Lamictal for most people.
And the list goes on.

All of these can be taken daily forever by most. All of these can fuck you over ROYALLY so you absolutely NEED expert medical supervision. If a doctor is not in the daily habit of prescribing psychotropic pharmaceuticals he needs to get a life... and you may need another doctor. Given the pharmaceutical possibilities of the 21th century there is way, WAY to much -unnecessary- suffering going on. When your legbone's to shite the doctor should give you a cast and not a fucking willpower peptalk. Equally so when your brain chemistry is all fucked up like mine was. I've talked to Dutch medical professionals who -got real- and my own observations of others correspond with theirs that well over 90% of heroin, cocaine and amphetamine junkies would not be in this state of hell when their brain and mind (biology and psychology) had been properly helped in their early teenage years.

But pills are one thing. They can almost NEVER do it all. People need to fix their lives too because most folks simply throw obstacles before themselves and don't even realize this. When your Soul slips into your Earthsuit it does not come with an owner's manual and when you finally get a Brain OS error message its almost always one of those Microsoft-type popups that say shit's not right but don't tell you WHAT is wrong nor what you can do about it. "I KNOW it doesn't do dick! Gimme the NAME of the codec motherfucker!! :mad2:"

With all sorts of brain biology problems and wrong attitudes etc. being widespread usually its in the brain AND the mind. Sometimes psychology (meditation) alone is enough. Sometimes its just a pill (medication) that you need. But almost always you need a combination of both with the pharm either as a temporary aid to give your mind a chance to pick up the Life Lessons or as a permanent chemical wheelchair if your brain is defective like mine is. Now with the heart attack thing I'm in a world of cardiac drugs. When chatting on MSN I often say: "Hold on a sec: I gotta eat Seven of Nine." I don't mean this in the NC-17 Startrek way but simply that it's 18:00h and I need to take 7 of my 9 pharms that keep me -alive-.
Highly synthetic chemical drugs from the pharmaceutical laboratory.. Bless 'em  :smile:

I think you at the very least need a change in the mind and likely a pharmaceutical is called for in the brain chemistry department.
I wish I could do more then spew advice but there's the 10.000 miles of cable thing. Just know I'm convinced you most certainly are not "fucked for life" and that you actually can get out of this. We all care, its just that most who read this thread feel they haven't got the words for you so they decide not to post.
There's love here at the Shroomery.
We DO care for you.

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Asante]
    #2147497 - 11/30/03 07:50 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I've been depressed for about a year now (since starting uni) and have been on a few medications. None of these seemed to work they just turned me into a Zombie with no emotions at all, so i decided it was time to gradually come of them. I then tried 5HTP which i found this has helped me the most. No side effects after two weeks and am starting to get some confidence anf joy back in life. So i would reccomend you give this a go and just keep your chin up mate

Edited by lushkins (11/30/03 07:51 PM)

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #2149894 - 12/01/03 06:11 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

We've talked many times and you know that i care about you and what happens to you.  You can talk to me about anything that's on your mind and know that i won't judge you in any way at all.  I'm your friend and i'm here for you thru thick and thin.

You will get thru this hun.  You just need to try to keep your positive energy up and everything will start looking better.  As i said, i'm always here for you.  Please don't hesitate to msg me.

You aren't alone.  I have felt the same way you are right now.  I've tried to kill myself.. I still find myself sometimes falling into great depression and thinking of the least painful ways to end my existance.  But i'm still here.  Cuz i know there will be better times ahead.  There will be good times and bad times.  But most of all, there are people out there that i feel my experiences can help.  If my words lift someone elses spirits, it's the best feeling in the world.  It makes me extremely happy to make others happy.

Even if i'm not around sweety, don't hesitate to msg me.  When i get back, i'll read it and if you are still online, i'll reply.  I care about you and your well-being.  You'll pull thru.  I know you will.  :heartpump:

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: sykobish]
    #4387656 - 07/09/05 08:34 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I lost my father at age 9 to heart disease. The downward spiral never ends.

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #4387973 - 07/09/05 10:39 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Man that sucks if you need someone to talk to pm me and i can give my my aim handle. I know what depression is like. Its like a sickness you can never cure. Leaves me with a sick feeling every time i wake up in the morning i cant eat or even have pleasure from anything.

You need a rapid change of lifestyle.

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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: WeAreAllOne]
    #4387997 - 07/09/05 10:50 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)


WeAreAllOne said:
I lost my father at age 9 to heart disease.  The downward spiral never ends.

sorry to hear about your father but this threads 2 years old!  :crazy:



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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #4388157 - 07/09/05 11:56 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

This thread's two years old.


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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Earth_Droid]
    #4389284 - 07/10/05 09:40 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Go for a walk in the rain..

eat an apple..



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Re: I Want it All to End [Re: Rose]
    #4390371 - 07/10/05 07:51 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

holy crap didnt realize that.

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