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InvisibleBlu Spore
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Socially competency (and beyond?)
    #21305665 - 02/20/15 07:42 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I believe there is one skill that trumps all others and that is social skills. I am a good artist and possess other good attributes but I burn with envy when I see people with a knack for socializing. Sometimes I think I would trade it all just to have that one skill. Good social skills can make up for a lot of things. If you are super intelligent or good looking but your social skills suck, you will never go as far somebody who has moderate intelligence but is a social master (my opinion). It opens opportunities and makes things generally easier for you.

I am wondering how much of this skill can be learned? I remember Joe Rogan saying on his podcast that "if you're not a charismatic guy by the time your 30 and then you all of a sudden start hanging around a bunch of charismatic people after that, its too late for you, you will never catch up". That got me thinking, how much of that is true? I know of a lot socially awkward people who have developed passable social skills but none of whom I would say have mastered the skill. It could be possible that learning social skills is like learning a language, if you learn it later in life you can still become fluent but you will most likely retain a bit of an accent (ie: awkwardness)

Learning this skill is tough when the people your interacting with can be more advanced than you. It's almost like jumping into the middle of a tennis match with a pro, how do you ever learn when everything is moving so fast? I've noticed in conversations there is often a rhythm that can be hard to follow when you are anxious,nervous or anticipating what to say. This problem can be compounded when you are a natural introvert (which I am) and get worn out by trying to keep up. The key to improving anything is practice, but practicing this skill is a little trickier than practicing tennis for example. And how much we can change to fit in socially while being true to ourselves without becoming phoney? Anybody have any experience in getting better at this? I used to go to Toast Masters public speaking club and I got way better at public speaking but it didn't help with the relaxed socializing between speeches.


Edited by Blu Spore (02/20/15 07:48 PM)

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OfflinePDU
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: Blu Spore]
    #21306113 - 02/20/15 09:15 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Very good post, I am interested to see where it goes...

I've been considering going to toast masters recently. Cheers.

BTW - I've heard good things about Dale Carnegie's book "how to gain power and influence people" or something close to that...


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OfflineBeanhead
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: PDU]
    #21313516 - 02/22/15 03:03 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I've resorted to better living through chemistry.

I won't talk unless on stimulants or benzos.

Both of which I refrain untill the point I notice my social relationships are sinking.

Good luck.

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InvisibleBlu Spore
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: Beanhead]
    #21323287 - 02/24/15 03:35 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

haha I have tried the benzo route to stopping anxiety but they really messed with my short term memory.

I was thinking a job in sales. Nothing too serious but perhaps a customer service gig at a GNC or something along those lines. Anyone experience getting rid of social anxiety through exposure through a job that forces you to interact with the public?

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OfflinePDU
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: Blu Spore]
    #21325392 - 02/24/15 09:31 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Blu Spore said:
Anyone experience getting rid of social anxiety through exposure through a job that forces you to interact with the public?




Yeah, it works. Exposure is the best medicine type of thinking. However, if you are very crippled around people, your job performance may suffer.. (key is, you're the only one that cares.)

I've gotten gradually better with people over time, although I kind of went from extrovert to introvert to inbetween... Not sure if would have considered myself to have debilitating social anxiety.


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Offlinefbi365
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: PDU]
    #21374817 - 03/07/15 02:41 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I have pretty bad social anxiety and basically my job is to meet with people.  I can't tell you yet if practicing at the job has made the anxiety any better, but you do improve your social skills. 

My performance does suffer.  I have to cold call people which is very difficult for me.  I have to get worked up and it takes me so long to get the courage up to make the call.  I usually fuck up the calls.  It is a VERY unpleasant part of the job.  But, hey, most jobs suck, and you have to do things you don't want.


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OfflineLoaded Shaman
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: fbi365]
    #21374944 - 03/07/15 03:16 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Most social anxiety is due to over-thinking and irrational projection/obsession with "what if?" scenarios.

I agree that exposure is the trick to overcoming this barrier. The more you simply get out there and talk to people in a normal public setting, the more comfortable you'll get doing it on your own. Overcoming that initial resistance can be a bitch at first, but you've only got to work through it once or twice, and then you'll see there's really no big deal.


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"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance." — Confucius

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Offlinefbi365
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: Loaded Shaman]
    #21374981 - 03/07/15 03:25 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I would agree with that, but would add, that it is both a cause and result of poor social performance.  I stutter, say dumb shit, get awkward, which potentiates the social anxiety.  So its not all imagined.


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OfflinePDU
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: fbi365]
    #21375519 - 03/07/15 05:34 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Just wanted to say that I saw a counsellor at my school the other day, basically just to talk about some issue's i am having with my mom.

Anyways, I brought up the fact that i was having what felt like strong anxiety at the beginning of this term - test/performance anxiety in addition to slight social anxiety, and he verified. Exposure is the best treatment...

Since it was after the fact, and i've been putting myself "out there" way more this semester, I had already proven this to myself, because I am feeling way better about these sorts of things than even a couple months ago.


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OfflineLoaded Shaman
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Re: Socially competency (and beyond?) [Re: fbi365]
    #21377685 - 03/08/15 10:43 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

fbi365 said:
I would agree with that, but would add, that it is both a cause and result of poor social performance.  I stutter, say dumb shit, get awkward, which potentiates the social anxiety.  So its not all imagined.




Oh definitely! I didn't mean to imply you're imagining anything; more that the psyche behaves like a laser beam set loose in a house of mirrors, with reasoning being represented by the mirrors. Get that laser bouncing, and it can be tricky to steady again.

I've always likened it to a feedback loop. How you "start" usually has a large influence on how you'll "end up", i.e. a strong or weak start in a social situation will probably hinder/push you along further than someone without said anxiety.


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"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance." — Confucius

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