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InvisibleMojo
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Registered: 07/12/07
Posts: 1,677
How I wound up Poly
    #21357688 - 03/03/15 06:34 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I just had a conversation with my life partner (People closest to us call this woman my wife, but we are opposed to the legal institution of marriage, for now…).  Anyway, I just had a really rewarding conversation with her about a curious topic, her having sex with other men.  What we discussed, and what it may mean both scares me and excites me…

When I think back about how I arrived in this state of mind, it takes me back… Way back to the age of 15 yrs old when I was introduced to my first girlfriend.  She was bisexual and very deviant.  I had a Christian upbringing, and had never been exposed to the curious lifestyle she had to offer. I came from a stereotypical family, my parents were high school sweet hearts, religious, and very cookie cutter.  I grew up with things like Sunday school, and prayer, I was never influenced by the likes of drugs or alcohol..  But that all changed when I turned 15, I met Julia. 

I fell for everything Julia represented because it was the exact opposite of what I had come to know.  I dove in head first; I went from virgin American Pie to more pussy than a 16 year old could ever know what to do with.  Julia had a way with the ladies, for a while it was just flirting, then kissing, eventually we were having threesomes.  These habits laid the groundwork for what ended up being a relationship that had a very loose standard of monogamy.  Example, I recall hanging out with one of her friends, she was heterosexual but Julia had a huge crush on her…  They never got together, but one night Julia told her that she could fuck me if she wanted to...  It was so nonchalant; it just wasn't a big deal.  I and I did fuck her, and I really enjoyed it.

We carried on like that into our early 20’s until the relationship hit an abrupt and turbulent end.  At the time I felt like I needed to get my act together, I felt like all of this philandery was ok for kids but I needed to grow up.  I needed to find someone I could grow old with and have a “normal” relationship.  Hah, it ended up being a pretty damaging mentality …  I was not accustomed to the overbearing and controlling behavior that I feel a lot of people call normal for a relationships.  So I just didn't ask permission, and I hurt a lot of people..  I was very troubled and confused..

I met the woman that I lovingly call my life partner about 5 years ago, I was immediately swept away with her openness and understanding.  I was upfront that I have struggled with monogamy in the past, and while I won’t say she was outright ok with it, she tried her best to relate to it and understand it, even though she didn’t.  There were times when I would sleep with other women, and every time we worked through one of these situations I felt our love grow, we both felt it.  We felt our relationship strengthen and our bond harden..  She never really hooked up with anyone else; she made out with a few guys and sought attention, but it never led to sex..  She wasn't interested in having sex with anyone else, which actually made me feel really good, I didn't put a lot of thought into why things ended up this way.  I guess I figured I could “just fuck” someone and she needed a higher level of intimacy to let go of herself in that way.  I told myself that other women meant nothing to me.  In hindsight that’s not really true, I gave a piece of myself to these women, I bonded with them, I was affectionate with them, I had love for these people. But love was so forbidden, it could only be sex, otherwise I was violating my partners trust…

Fast forward to grad school, a class mate was interested in sleeping with me.  I talked to my partner extensively about the situation.  All three of us laid a crude foundation to how this would work and overall it went really well.  I was so happy, the situation had so much transparency, my relationship with my partner got better, she said that she was more attracted to me and felt more sexual energy toward me.  I felt the same for her, it’s like every moment I spent with this other woman reminded me of how much I love my partner and value our partnership.  The classmate that I was sleeping with sought additional partners on her own over the 10 month period that we had relations, and we didn’t necessarily sleep with each other all of the time.  it was important to maintain a balance. This situation ended a year ago, after graduation we got jobs in different parts of the country, though I still keep in touch with her.

This situation with my old classmate was really interesting to us, we did it, we had a triad so to speak, and overall we did it well with just a few hiccups along the way.  Reflecting on the experience leaves my partner and I longing for something similar, with the exception that she wants to feel a connection herself with the new addition.  My partner has been bi-curious for a long time, but has not ever been sexually intimate with another woman. 

So here we are, I am 30 yrs old, I have a career to look after.  We had a beautiful baby girl, and love parenthood, my daughter is the single most amazing thing in my life.  Life has settled into a bit of a routine, we are happy, but life feels a bit dull as im sure plenty of people can relate to. We have talked a lot recently about how amazing it would be to find another woman to share our lives with.  But this time someone that we can both connect with. I believe polyamorous people call this idealized figment of the imagination a “Unicorn”.

Having open relationships most of my life, I think I can rationalize these types of dynamics quite well.  While I feel what my partner and I both want may be far too idealized to become a reality, nonetheless we are exploring the topic of allowing each other the freedom to connect and have sexual relationships with other people.  Which I think sounds really amazing, but I am also hesitant because of what could be at stake. As we are going through the different scenarios of triads, threesomes, and other poly relationships, suddenly in the midst of the conversation I found myself struck with the topic of her having another man in her life.  I feel like we can’t move forward without total equality, she has never had any interest in other men in the past I find myself confronting this idea for the first time, as silly as that may sound.  I have exercised the openness of our relationship a few times over the years, and thus my partner has seen how iron clad my devotion is to her.  If there wasn't so much at stake I probably wouldn't give it another thought…  But my mind fills with "what if" statements…

As I think more about her having relations with another man, not only does it scare me, but it both excites and arouses me.  I’m excited for her, I love her so much and I feel like if done right this could remind her of how desirable and beautiful she is.  But then fear sets in, let’s face it, so many men are creeps.. I feel protective of her.  What if she gets hurt, what if she decides her life with me is meaningless?  Where am I left in all this?  Something tells me this would be good and rewarding for our relationship, and fun to boot..  But still, im hesitant; how duplicitous I feel.  As I sensed her excitement about the idea I didn't know what to do so I retreated inside, as discretely as I could.  I can’t possibly be opposed to this.. Deep down I am completely ok with it, maybe just a little anxious of the unknown.  I don’t really know how to proceed here.  I want to tackle this by developing a methodical foundation, something that we can use a tool to aid us in exploring the unknown, while not risking my family.  As we get further into this life, the more sophisticated I want our foundation to be.. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't really know how to tackle all of this, but im working on it…

Edited by Mojo (03/04/15 10:39 AM)

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OfflineSagescruffy
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Re: How I wound up Poly [Re: Mojo]
    #21359062 - 03/04/15 12:17 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Only after having a kid is she now venturing out into this. I think this is an important thing to note. It could be that your kid is an anchor of some sort and with it she now feels comfortable enough to venture out because the kid acts as a tether of some sort. I've had a little bit to drink so I mean, maybe that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I just think it's interesting that she never slept with anyone else even though you were, but now that she has a kid with you she is willing to sleep with another man/woman.


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Love.

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OfflineGoreTuzk
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Registered: 11/19/11
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Re: How I wound up Poly [Re: Sagescruffy]
    #21359958 - 03/04/15 08:28 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

hahaha how ironic. I was beginning to think your story  wasn't gonna involve anything besides you, women and your women with other women lol such a long post that I even forgot about the first paragraph.

My thoughts on the topic  boil down to one simple idea: love is wanting what's best for someone. If you love her, you want her to be happy, whether that means leaving you out of the picture or not. So stand upright and practice what you preach 8) have confidence that when we're open and truthful the proper environment is created for fruitful relationships and I think you shouldn't cover up your fears with her, share them with her (in a chill way, of course), it will probably empower her and make her feel wanted and you'll more likely than not feel lighter for not having to cary the weight of this "I've been poly for years I have to be completely cool about everything in that field" mask. Accept openly that you're a human being, open acceptance of a difficulty is the first step to overcome it, in my experience.

Best of luck, dude, be happy : )

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Offlinesun_spots
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Re: How I wound up Poly [Re: Mojo] * 1
    #21363237 - 03/04/15 07:57 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Not to intentionally complicate things further, since being poly seems like it's already incredibly complicated, but...
I think another factor you both need to consider is where your daughter factors into all of this.  How much involvement is this third person going to have in your child's life, if any?  How will you explain your relationship with that person to your child, and what kind of relationship do you want your child to have with him?  If you want to keep your daughter "out of the loop", how are you going to accomplish this?  These are all things you're going to have to talk through with your partner, because what you do now is going to impact your child for the rest of your life. 

Once you add a child to the equation, she becomes the most important factor, so these are vital considerations.  Good luck to you and your family.  I wish you all the best.


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ShiVersblood said:
shut ur fucking mouth. before a penis is are be enters

LordSenate said:
Cheese poop... Who gives a fuck gotta eat lots of cheese.

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OfflineSpacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: How I wound up Poly [Re: sun_spots] * 1
    #21379168 - 03/08/15 04:52 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

IMO we'd all (as a species) be way less fearful and territorial if we'd be a bit more open to orgies. I mean if sex and nudity were open and free to engage or not engage in, soon the novelty would normalize and people would start seeing the patterns, that we don't just like fucking and intimacy, we like certain people WAY more than others, and although sex and intimacy can be done with all, we prefer to do it with these few that we like best.

If we had orgies and nudity, and not just a little, but a lot, to get used and comfy and chill with it, then we'd relax about these things. Because we don't, we just don't give our brains enough data to be at peace and confident, that yes, we've seen this man/woman return to us time and again, and they REALLY like us, long term.

I've had just one girl that I've felt long term, deep feelings for. She had plans to move to some other country since before we met, and so we had a nice relationship (and friendship) and then she went her way. I knew that she'd eventually get other guys in her life (and she did) but that never really truly bothered me. I got other girls and that never bothered her. We met a couple of years later and we could still feel pretty much the same flame, the same feelings, maybe matured somewhat from time and distance away.

So IMO it's your own feelings and trust and comfort with her that you should focus about and feel more accurately, not worry about her feelings for other men. Realistically, do you think/feel she's likely to just find, out of the blue, the same quality of emotion and connection with other dudes, as she has with you?


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Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.



For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it,
and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.
- Matthew 13:16

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OfflinegeokillsA
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Re: How I wound up Poly [Re: Mojo]
    #21381127 - 03/09/15 01:07 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Mojo said:
As I think more about her having relations with another man, not only does it scare me, but it both excites and arouses me [...] As I sensed her excitement about the idea I didn't know what to do so I retreated inside, as discretely as I could.  I can’t possibly be opposed to this.. Deep down I am completely ok with it, maybe just a little anxious of the unknown.  I don’t really know how to proceed here.




I personally feel that if you are comfortable having relations with another woman, it is only fair to allow her to feel comfortable having relations with another man.  sun_spots brings up a very important--perhaps the most important--point, regarding the consideration of your child and how she will fit into the dynamics of your polyamorous relationship.  Whatever may be between you and your partner and anyone else you both may choose to involve, my vote is for the primary consideration of your child.


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··∙   long live the shroomery  ∙··
...π╥ ╥π...

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InvisibleRobMarley420
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Re: How I wound up Poly [Re: geokills]
    #21381330 - 03/09/15 03:25 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Awesome post man. Thanks for sharing.

Me and my girlfriend have discussed swinging/partner swapping.

But we both agree it couldn't be an ongoing thing with the same person or with a person we already knew. It would have to be a random hookup via a swingers party or internet.

An ongoing relationship type thing would cause too much drama for us.


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