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OfflineAnonLMN619
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Registered: 03/03/15
Posts: 16
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
HPPD vs Depression Dilemma
    #21356532 - 03/03/15 01:46 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

2 years ago I severely abused research chemicals because I was dumb and got HPPD because of it, and I haven't done a psychedelic since.
About 1 year ago I also decided to go completely sober from ALL drugs to help improve my HPPD; Since I continued to smoke weed and drink booze up until this point.

My HPPD improved the first half year after quitting psychedelics, but since then it hasn't gotten any better. At all.
Even after quitting the other drugs it still remains constant, like the body doesn't even care to heal it.

And the real problem is.. I'm depressed, and have almost always been depressed. And the last year have been a hell for me, I'm bored and apathetic and honestly also a bit suicidal.
I've been to a therapist but it just doesn't get to the core of it; I mean sure I can improve the way I live, think etc. But what does that help when I'm just plain BORED of life?

The thing is and I'll be honest: I don't care at all for other drugs but I ****ing loved to trip; The beautiful visions and scenery, the adventurous feeling of exploring the world with your friends, the mysteriousness and  "Unknowigness" of EVERYTHING and the 'truth' and guidance it would bring even to my sober life.
I would be happy for months afterwards, the whole universe just seemed so magical.

Now 2 years later I'm starting to forget it all and the world to me now is just colorless, dull and mundande.
I mean since the HPPD isn't getting any better and it doesn't look like it ever will; wouldn't it be better for me to just break out of the prison and go out and trip with my friends again like I want to?
I really don't want my HPPD to get worse but I also don't want to sit here and die wasting my life.
What should I do?

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Offlinenestleplife
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Registered: 05/04/12
Posts: 29
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
Re: HPPD vs Depression Dilemma [Re: AnonLMN619]
    #21358565 - 03/03/15 10:05 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

In my opinion, you should get your life in order and be in a good place before deciding whether to start up again. If you don't want your HPPD to worsen, then drugs are an obvious no. If not tripping is considered 'wasting your life' to you, that is a problem. Your description of the world getting more colorless isn't because you aren't tripping anymore. If your life is starting to feel dull and mundane, it is because you are allowing it to. Try to find something you are passionate about that will give your life a new meaning. I know it is easy for me to just say, but that moment just needs to come for you. Hopefully it can come soon. Tomorrow maybe, why not?

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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 13,361
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Re: HPPD vs Depression Dilemma [Re: nestleplife]
    #21358602 - 03/03/15 10:13 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I'm curious, if you love tripping so much, why does the HPPD bother you? I've found it necessary to come to terms with the potential of HPPD if i want to continue tripping and try to make the most of it. Granted, having it may be a different story. But if you can relate it to the things you loved about tripping rather than viewing it as a disorder i think it will benefit you

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OfflineP.Zappatecorum
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Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 2,094
Loc: Cactaceae
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
Re: HPPD vs Depression Dilemma [Re: JacksonMetaller]
    #21358782 - 03/03/15 10:49 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

JacksonMetaller said:
I'm curious, if you love tripping so much, why does the HPPD bother you? I've found it necessary to come to terms with the potential of HPPD if i want to continue tripping and try to make the most of it. Granted, having it may be a different story. But if you can relate it to the things you loved about tripping rather than viewing it as a disorder i think it will benefit you




Yeah, I would say most of us regular trippers have some low level persistent residuals from our frequent forays into the other dimension.  It goes with the trippy lifestyle.  I've had times where I needed to take sobriety breaks from hitting the mushrooms and L too hard, nothing too disturbing stuck around but I always have low level snow when the lights are out, to the point that I have much worse night vision than I used to and I easily trip out on interesting patterns/sparkling light fixtures in a way where I can get mild breathing/visuals just by focusing real hard on the right things when sober.  Psychedelics change your mind, usually for the better but if you fuck around they can do some damage. 

Sounds like you got too heavy into the RCs and may have fucked your brain up a little though, in which case that would be a shame.  You should probably lay off the synthetic phenethylamines for good, and think real carefully about whether or not you're the kind of person who has the self control, maturity and intelligence to get the good from drugs without destroying yourself with them. 

I don't see a cathartic, soul searching psilocybin mushroom trip doing any damage though.  You should trip alone, high dose (5g) meditate beforehand, and lie back in the dark in silence and plumb the depths of your soul for your answers. 

Sounds like you hate life and use drugs to escape it.  That's the wrong way to be.  You should love life and use drugs to help you love it even more.  If your life sucks, it's probably your fault, you need to check your priorities, re-examine why you're unhappy and make concrete plans as to how you are going to improve your life for the better and make it work for you.

Usually its the same old shit making us miserable, bad/no relationship, bad/no career, entitled mindset expecting the world to make us happy, waiting for something external to give us meaning or direction.  Get that shit taken care of and you won't be worrying about whether or not you've got a little static in your vision or if the colors aren't quite as bright as they used to be.  Maybe it's just that it's the end of winter fool.  Spring is around the corner.

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OfflineAnonLMN619
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Registered: 03/03/15
Posts: 16
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
Re: HPPD vs Depression Dilemma [Re: P.Zappatecorum]
    #21359426 - 03/04/15 04:38 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

nestleplife said: If not tripping is considered 'wasting your life' to you, that is a problem.




Well; a trip only lasts a couple of hours. That's not much of my life not wasted if I were to go by that philosophy.
I'm talking about stop wasting my life sitting here thinking depressing thoughts and go get some shrooms to at least do something to help me guide myself out of this hole/grave that I've dug for myself.

Quote:

JacksonMetaller said:
I'm curious, if you love tripping so much, why does the HPPD bother you?




HPPD ≠ Tripping, Tripping gives you beautiful visuals for a few hours. HPPD gives you ugly TV-static for the rest of your life.


Quote:

P.Zappatecorum said:

Yeah, I would say most of us regular trippers have some low level persistent residuals from our frequent forays into the other dimension.






REALLY? I thought only people with HPPD saw static at all.

Quote:

P.Zappatecorum said:
If your life sucks, it's probably your fault, you need to check your priorities, re-examine why you're unhappy and make concrete plans as to how you are going to improve your life for the better and make it work for you.




.. While it may be my fault for thinking about it I have some experiences with being bullied and abused that's *Sigh* one of the many causes of my depression..
And this post and this idea is actually part of the plan I created a few days ago; And the plan was to do a purely spiritual trip to meet my depression on the field of battle.


But a more concrete question I would like answered would be if the HPPD would get permanently worse if I decided to trip again or if it at worst just would be temporary and go back to the way it was before the trip? (I'm talking specifically about Shrooms and maybe DMT, not any RC or LSD.)
If I were to do shrooms and permanently make my HPPD worse it would be an absolute catastrophe, and before I decide to put any drugs in my mouth I want to make sure I'm not doing one of the most stupid mistakes of my life.

And also to make it clear again; I am not an idiot suggesting that I should trip all day to distract myself from my depression. My plan would be to do a trip every 3rd month or less, one spring, one summer, one autumn and one winter trip each year.
Since that is also the amount of time I remember the "Long afterglow" lasting from a trip.
Quote:



P.Zappatecorum said:

Usually its the same old shit making us miserable, bad/no relationship, bad/no career, entitled mindset expecting the world to make us happy, waiting for something external to give us meaning or direction.




Also just for the lols you just summed up my most of my current life situation pretty spot on. :grin:

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OfflineP.Zappatecorum
Lophophilus
Male


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 2,094
Loc: Cactaceae
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
Re: HPPD vs Depression Dilemma [Re: AnonLMN619]
    #21360525 - 03/04/15 10:42 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

You should be able have one good trip on shrooms or DMT without exacerbating your condtions.  They may flare up for a week or so, but give yourself a few months between sessions and you'll be fine.  You may have to accept some level of noise/ HPPD as your new baseline.  If you really want to find out how much it will go away, it would probably take a good 5 years of sobriety and very good mental/phsyical health regimen.  A test run of mushrooms/DMT is not going to do much harm, but I would say you should only trip once or twice a year for a few year, meditate in between. 

Sorry to hear about the past of abuse.  I will say, I firmly believe in the power of psychedelics to help you overcome abuse/PTSD from a shitty childhood.  Part of it, for me, is letting go of the victim mentality.  Shit happens to everybody.  Unfair, terrible shit.  Whether that makes you a stronger person or destroys you is entirely up to you.  The universe has no pity, and we should not dwell in self pity.  Find the love, the light inside and follow that path.  Don't be bothered with the past, live in the present and strive to make that present positive and good.  Work toward concrete goals that will ensure that the future, when it gets here, will also be good.  You can't change the past but you can change the way you look at it. 

If you're in therapy and want to continue that route, I would suggest finding a psychologist that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  You could also look into it yourself, or look into neuro-linguistic programming, which is basically self-administered CBT for the masses.  Looking at and examining your own thoughts and choices in a scientific, rational way as a behaviorist can be difficult and humbling, but very effective way at changing your life for the better and getting some more of what you want out of it.  I spent like 10 sessions with a hard ass CBT psychologist and she gave me some tough lovin' that whipped my ass into shape and laid a strong foundation for growth and success. 

You can do it mang.  :hug:

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