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 HB
 
Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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 life seems like its going nowhere 
#2130583 - 11/23/03 02:07 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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every time that life seems to be getting more managable or even enjoyable, it crashes back to the same depressing void that i seem to go into more often than smiling or even the state of just keeping maintainable composure
i still live at home with my parents, because they don't feel i can support myself on my own, and frankly, because of my mental (and physical: crohn's disease) status, i'm not so sure i can support myself either, despite what i'd want ...
all i constantly hear about is money and finances and all the problems we're having with money, but me in particular ... my mom never lets off about money and how important it is and i care so little about it in 'my reality' that it feels like a knife digging into me every time i hear the word ... i fucking hate it ...
lasnight i had a great acid trip, and felt very happy afterward, to find myself in another one of my 'money talks' with my mom, finding out how much of a disappointment i seem to be to her ... i take care of most of my expenses as i can, with my parents helping out with doctors and my daily crohn's medicine and such, as well as my 'housing' with them ... and i'm okay with that ... but after all these talks with my mom i just feel like i really will go nowhere, especially now that i've quit college in favor of mainting mental health
as much as my art excites me and others, i feel like i'm going to be nothing more than a 'tragic artist' who never made it because he couldn't go to college and live the way so many people need to in order to survive ... my talent sometimes seems like it'll one day get me far but i really don't see it going anywhere as of now ... i work a full-time job and want to apprentice as a tattoo artist, but there's no way i can with my job, monday through friday of every week ... and how else can i get into the business? there's just no way
it doesn't help living in LA, surrounded by endless (almost all) kids who are supported by their parents and can get endlessly nice stuff and never really pay a dime themselves ... i dont think thats right, either, but it sure doesnt help how i feel seeing this kind of thing around me on a daily basis (or at least every day in high school)
it seems that almost everybody is 'going somewhere' in life but me ... i see so many people on the board like liquidsmoke who have their shit together and can mentally deal with not only college but medical college as well, while still being able to do as they want and enjoy life and such ... on the other end of the spectrum, when i went to college for my art i found that i was suicidal more often than i WASNT ... and thus i had no motivation to continue, much less to live, and so the ONLY way to survive was to get the fuck out asap, i was literally teetering on the edge of not being able to take it one more second
therapy does nothing for me, and the recent therapist i just went to said very little to me except that he thinks i have symptoms of possible early schizophrenia, OCD, paranoia and bipolar syndrome ... as far as im concerned, it seems as though the life that seemed so grand as a child ahead of me has been quickly disintegrating into an ugly, thorny path that just leads to mental deterioration and feelings of absolute despair ... i refuse to seek therapy anymore because i am convinced of their bias and OVERdiagnosis ... i may be mentally unhinged but all their diagnoses seem to be more on terms with being in a mental hospital ...
i don't know how to go on ... every time i TRY to be optimistic, even just to fucking please other people who ask me to be optimistic, everything just becomes ... shit ... again ... it seems to work as a cycle, and it's very accurate every time in making me feel terrible after being optimistic ...
i feel like i can barely 'hold on' for the ride of life ... the happinesses that i've experienced for so long really just are outweighed by the sadnesses of my life ...
the plain fact is, because of how life is going, these days i would be happier to have never been born and experienced anything in the first place, rather than experience the broad spectrum of highs and lows ... my parents keep talking about me making them responsible for me because i can't support myself, but really i feel that i shouldn't be responsible for the life that i didn't ask to have ... i can't just leave it so i have to meet people's obligations ... and i HATE it ... sure nobody 'signs' their way into this life, as far as we know, but then why should i be blamed for being how i am ... ? i try so hard and just because it isn't at the standards of my parents and other such people, it's as if i don't try at all, whether they tell me otherwise or not
i guess i'm just getting back to the end of the rope, and i don't know what the fuck to do ... life is unfair and i don't expect it to be fair, but it just feels like everything that ever mattered to me before is just being replaced by new unhappinesses
it's hard to say what even makes me happy anymore
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HB
Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2130600 - 11/23/03 02:33 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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pretty much, the only real remaining reason that i can currently see life being worthwhile is that my girlfriend (/fiancee) whom i have been with for a year and 7 months now seems like the only true 'investment' in my life that will actually lead me to happiness and 'success' within myself, but even that is a worry, because i have so many times been just completely disappointed by all the things in my life that seem so great until they crash and burn ...
though we go through tough times, as all couples do, we actually seem to GET places, as opposed to the onslaught of everyday life that seems to just try to crush me and not be in any way diplomatic
the psychedelics that made me see the absolute beauty of life when i was back to 14 years old now seem to just show me guided tours of what's going wrong in my life ... as much fun as i had on acid lasnight, today's unfortunate confrontation with my mom just reminded me how my life is 'really' going
i have no real intent with this thread except to hear what anybody has to say, at all ... maybe i will find some sort of hope or inspiration from a random bit of talk
or maybe im just too hopeful for any last thread of rope
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 Jaredo
Whurrr.....
Registered: 10/16/03
Posts: 203
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 Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2130615 - 11/23/03 02:49 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I can relate to a lot of what you described, and I've felt like that before.. like life is a merry go-round that is getting faster and faster.. and you're at the edge, clutching with all your might so you don't fly off... and the idea of getting control of it seems impossible.. you know it is, but you can't see the means to do so.
The thing is, that A LOT of people feel this. Just because right now it feels like too much, doesn't mean it always will. As you gain more life experience and learn you will go further and further. Just like in drawing, with practice you will become better.
Also, although you feel you would have trouble living on your own, I think it would do you an amazing amount of good to do so. Both emotionally and mentally. Living with people as negative as your parents seem WILL NOT help you to acheive what you want to do. They will only prevent your growth, and hamper you from developing traits YOU want in yourself. Even if you have to get a room mate, moving out would do you a world of good. When my father left, my life became 500times less stressful, and happiness actually crept in. Not just moments of excitment, or enjoyment, but real day to day happiness.. content to be alive... something I never really remembered before.
If you want someone to talk to, you know what my aim is.
Peace, man. Take care of yourself.
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Let circle that which is square, and you shall feel the sharpness of that which is triangular.
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silversoul7
Chill the FuckOut!
Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 27,301
Loc: mndfreeze's puppet army
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Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2130617 - 11/23/03 02:49 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I know what you mean, man. And trust me: not everyone has their life all planned out like Liquid_Smoke. I've sort of figured out what I want to do after college, but I don't know where it's going to take me from there. I just know that the only thing that really makes me happy in life is my music, so after college, I'm going to get a band together and tour relentlessly. Where I go from there, I don't know, but I'll figure something out. I'm hoping it leads to some kind of record contract or something, but I'm not going to naively count on that happening. Sometimes you've just got to do what you love and see where life takes you.
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"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."--Voltaire
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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙
Registered: 05/08/01
Posts: 23,589
Loc: city of angels 
Last seen: 7 hours, 27 minutes
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 Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2130930 - 11/23/03 05:59 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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It may seem like everyone is going somewhere in life while you're standing still (lord knows I've felt this way many a time), but that's just what you've been telling yourself. Even if you don't have a 10 year plan laid out, hardly anybody does. I try to live my life one day at a time, taking care not to concern myself with things that are beyond my control. Focus on the little things that make you happy, like the way the sunlight may slant into your room on a sunny afternoon, or the wind rustling the leaves of a palm tree, hell even two pigeons fighting for a piece of a Tommy Burger on the sidewalk. You don't need to have set goals to enjoy life, you don't need to do much of anything to enjoy life unless you want to.
I agree with Jared that you should seriously consider moving out - even if it will be a struggle, independence is necessary at your age imo. I can tell you that if I would've spent another year living at home, my father and I may have ended up killing each other.. our relationship is still a little rocky but at least now I am not forced to be immersed in it and I have the option to take it at my own pace. Parents are a tricky subject though - they're from a different generation and have different ideals, it is natural for them to want to give you what they feel is best even if in reality it wouldn't be best for you. My grandmother gives me the 'money' speeches all the time and I just sit there nodding my head to appease her because I know she won't be changing her ways, so there is really no point in arguing with her or getting myself upset about what wisdom she may try to impart to me. Since your mother is likely much younger than a grandparent, perhaps you can just spill the honest truth to her as you have stated here. Maybe that will help bring to her attention that you are different from her and are capable of making your own decisions in life.
I don't know where I'm going to be in five years, hell I don't even know where I'm going to be in two! Just live your life in the now, making every effort to keep the past the past and the future the unknown. A couple years ago when I was in a low spot perhaps similar to the one you're in now, a user on the shroomery (I believe it was wiccan_seeker) recommended to me a book by Eckhart Tolle entitled, The Power of Now. It's two years later and I still haven't finished the entire book, but I still credit it with giving me extra confidence to live in the present and not necessarily dismiss all the rest, but realize that it should not be controlling how I am living right now. I even put up a lengthy sample of the text on my website from the cover through the end of Chapter One so you can get a feel for what it's all about. I'll PM you the addy. Remember Sean, don't worry about things you can't control. If you need an ear to listen or to bounce off of, you have my number.
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
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kaiowas
lest we baguette
Registered: 07/14/03
Posts: 5,501
Loc: oz
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Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2131234 - 11/23/03 08:31 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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yep I feel ya on that one bro!! Especially those dumb ass mistakes that were made that are still affecting you now. it's weird because I'm 3000 dollars in debt (was 7000) and I'm not going to college either, I got really shitty grades. my mom also does that same thing and brings up everyday how much of a "failure" I have become.
does your parents tell you that "you life is shit right now" or "your life is miserable" or "you're such a disappointment"
if you've heard any of these, then of course you life is going to seem that way. they are your parents for god sakes and they are telling you, actually reinforcing to you how bad you should feel. look though, I felt the same way tooo, I jsut had to get myself out of that mindset.
here's what I mean.....
it looks like you're doing something in favor of artistic expression. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! now look, me saying good for you will only have a positive feel if you let it. or you could be negative minded and say, I don't know this jerk and so why should I take his ideas into consideration. it real deal is about mindset. don't let them do that to you. they're only doing it because they care, but man why be in such a rush?
get a job, not a 40 hour one, but one that pays ok, so you can work on your art or whatever you want to work on and not totally have to worry about money. just keep on keeping on. btw guess what, I got a job, my paretns still complain, i plan on going back to college to change my major, they still complain. if they are that type, they always will. they love you after all man!
worse case scenerio, your art fails...big deal. but really though, when you start working on art, you'll might be able to incorporate it in another way you never thought posible. business for example!!! you don't know what will happen in the future, could be good could be bad, but why think right now, the furture is gonna suck when you really don't know.
just take your time man!! everyone is in such a rush, to do what?? I have had hella friends who went college, at 18 moved out, and maybe are doing well, but shit when I talk to them, they are MISERABLE.
just because you go to college and have money doesn't mean you'll be happy
I made a long ass post on S&P about this like 3 weeks ago. it's all in the system, this "money" that we try to get. this moeny with no backing, jsut floats around, maybe that realization alone will help you realize how reall un-important money is. I'm not saying don't workj for it, but at least don't base your LIFE around it. especially for a fake piece of paper that tells YOU how much YOU'RE worth. any paper too, including a degree.
I'm jsut saying, accept it how it is, but at the same time don't put too much emphasis on it.
hope this help bro, pm me if you wanna chat or some shit, cuz I'm going through the same shit, hell al ot of us are. jsut keep on keeping on bro!
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Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.
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LeViTY
I missed theark.
Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 1,988
Loc: CA
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 Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2131291 - 11/23/03 09:10 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Sean, I love you and you know I'm here for you every second every day. I know you're Mom's an idiot and she doesn't deserve a son as amazing as you. Everyone sometimes feels like their life is going nowhere. Everyone's scared and unhappy sometimes. But we get through it with the help of people that love us, and with the love we have for ourselves. I'm not asking your to be optimistic, but try and just put positive energy into your life, rather than negative. If you try to just replace one negative thought a day with a positive one, you might like what comes of your life.
I love you, Seany Boy. 
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Xibalba
Stranger
Registered: 05/13/00
Posts: 2,114
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 Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2131582 - 11/24/03 12:41 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Edited by Xibalba (09/29/05 11:15 PM)
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geokills
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Registered: 05/08/01
Posts: 23,589
Loc: city of angels
Last seen: 7 hours, 27 minutes
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 Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: Xibalba]
#2131608 - 11/24/03 01:13 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Quote:
Xibalba said:
Finally, if you hate money it's probably keeping you from really figuring out what to
-do- with your money- but that's the way you are going to improve your situation in life- freedom has a price tag- get down with a calculator and figure out what it is, then what you are going to have to do to come up with that- maybe it ends up that you're working harder than you are now, living with 3 guys in a shitty part of town driving a '91 Civic and living on rice-a-roni and frozen burritos, but with no debt to anyone and a slowly growing savings account, and it's all yours.
Hell yea! I was going to comment on the car you [Sean] got, but I don't know how much you make or what it cost so I didn't want to speculate but yea - if I were you and wanted to get out on my own, I'd be working towards that before a fine ride.. not to say a fine ride isn't nice 
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┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼
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Sheepish
Registered: 04/02/02
Posts: 10,137
Loc: Exile
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
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 Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: HB]
#2131712 - 11/24/03 02:51 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I know we don't talk anymore, but it sucks seeing you down in a rut.
You're still young, and there is no rush. You shouldn't be worrying TOO much about the future - most of us don't have a clue what to do with our lives. I haven't for a long time, and still don't. I had to jump the gun and do a course (which isn't my dream job, but I need A job, and one that allows me to live and not make my life a job). I too went to College/University. At first I enjoyed it, but I began to despise it, and didn't bother doing any of the course work anymore. So I ended up leaving before the year finished. What a waste of money, but at least now I know that it's not what I want.
So, that threw me into a rut, because during my time at high school towards the final years, I was scared of not knowing what I wanted to do. People said to relax, and there is plenty of time left. Time ran out, and I still had no clue. I ended up doing nothing for a year and a half - worked a month or so at Mc Donalds, and left as soon as I could. Then came college, which I lasted one semester. The other semester was my downfall and lack of interest. After that, more bumming around, and got another blue collar job. That lasted just a bit longer than my other job, and I left promptly. Turns out I despise working, especially back breaking labour, for shit pay.
After the course, I still didn't have a job, and luckily my dad scored me some work experience, part time, for his company during the skills I learnt on the course. I'm still there, but it's not permanent, and it scares the shit out of me knowing that next year I have to somehow find a permanent job somewhere.
So, I'm 21, and only JUST started getting a job sorted. You're nearly 19 (I assume) and you have a job sorted and talents I wish I could have. All you need in life, really, is a job that covers all the payments you need to make - house, food, water, and whatever else. Stop worrying about money! Ignore your mother (even though she thinks she's trying to help), and listen to yourself. You have a unique talent with art, and you could go work at a supermarket for 5 dollars an hour, but as long as you can make art, you should be happy.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say (I always do this, sorry), but it seems my motto in life is that my job should NEVER become my life. I don't like it when people tell me that I should strive to work for my dream job, and stop at nothing to achieve it. That's all very nice, but a job is money, and the only reason I need money is to live on, and to spend my spare time doing the things I love - being ALIVE. I want to travel, and spend as little time doing work as I can. Why would I want to spend the first 30 years of my life wasted away on studies just to get a job that dominates my life for the next 40 years? That's not what I personally aspire for - if that's what drives you, then fine, but that's just not me.
So stop listening to everyone else, you're the only one that matters (because you're the only one that is YOU, so why should anyone else have a say in that matter?). Stop worrying about money and all the trivial bullshit. Sometimes it's just better to keep your life simple.
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,680
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 7 hours, 57 minutes
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Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: geokills]
#2131753 - 11/24/03 03:47 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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i was going to reply to this thread with some kind of interesting insightful meaningful advice of sorts, but after reading the posts before me i noticed everyone beat me to what i was going to say. alot of good words in this thread, i got a ton of useful tid bits towards my own problems just reading over them....you guys rock!
anyway, geokills, could you pm me with that addy that has that sample from that book you mentioned? im curious to check it out....
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how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: life seems like its going nowhere [Re: wrestler_az]
#2132416 - 11/24/03 12:09 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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HB, it's pretty obvious you feel like a victim of life right now.
An exciting, drastic, new (but somehow nostalgically familiar) outlook on life is in order. And I doubt it's gonna come from an acid trip. If you're anything like me then trips have become a comfort for you now when what you really need is vulnerability. Which is catalyst for change
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I'm sure there were days when you were on the road you felt right to be on, and never wasted your precious time comparing yourself to others.
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