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OfflineSole_Worthy
Stranger

Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 463
Loc: over here
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
something i did
    #2129435 - 11/22/03 07:46 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

they grew two or more threw together
so i did pick later lick and consume
the change on my range did come whenever
and i stood neary trood into depths unknown
My mind was blown took home where i was shown
until the sun on the run meant my journey was done

Im just starting to write so need some tips. What do you think makes a good bit of writting?


--------------------
get it all together get like birds of a feather


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OfflineBlastrid
e l e m e n t al i t y
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Registered: 01/14/02
Posts: 3,323
Loc: The Desert
Last seen: 9 years, 11 days
Re: something i did [Re: Sole_Worthy]
    #2129768 - 11/23/03 12:31 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

imagery.


ps - and movement.


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Blas'?trid (bl?s tr?d)
    n.  3rd generation derivitave of a combination of 'bastard' and 'blasted'.  Used as both an insult or an expletive.
    ex.  Blastrid!

Stereopattern  <--My music.


Edited by Blastrid (11/23/03 07:04 PM)


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OfflineHBS
Male

Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: something i did [Re: Sole_Worthy]
    #2130408 - 11/23/03 01:43 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

the flow of the beginning is great, stylized and well-executed

the end (last two lines) sounds a bit rushed, like you had no idea how to 'correctly' finish it off ... could use more work and be completely solid

i tend to be more visual with my poetry and writing rather than action-oriented, but that's only because i am a heavily visual person


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OfflineBlastrid
e l e m e n t al i t y
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Registered: 01/14/02
Posts: 3,323
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Last seen: 9 years, 11 days
Re: something i did [Re: HB]
    #2130544 - 11/23/03 03:31 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

glad you're back and posting HB :smile:


--------------------
Blas'?trid (bl?s tr?d)
    n.  3rd generation derivitave of a combination of 'bastard' and 'blasted'.  Used as both an insult or an expletive.
    ex.  Blastrid!

Stereopattern  <--My music.


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Invisiblebert
bodhi

Registered: 10/14/02
Posts: 2,819
Loc: state
Re: something i did [Re: Sole_Worthy]
    #2130613 - 11/23/03 04:48 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I like it better than a lot of the poetry I've seen in this forum. I dislike when people write stuff that is so straightforward with no rhythm and rely entirely on imagery-based words placed in rapid succession. Keep up the good work.


--------------------
Persons denying the existence of robots may be robots themselves.


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OfflineSole_Worthy
Stranger

Registered: 04/20/03
Posts: 463
Loc: over here
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
Re: something i did [Re: bert]
    #2132029 - 11/24/03 10:56 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

thanks everyone, and thanks for the crit HB. Im niot sure if ill work on it some more, or just leave it and start on some other stuff. I know what you mean by the end. I messed around with it for ages, so i probly lost the creative flow.


--------------------
get it all together get like birds of a feather


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