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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Spacerific]
#21259744 - 02/11/15 05:29 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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the worst part about the car, is that I got my license back, and decided to lease a car for three years, only to lose my job two weeks later. thank god I have credit cards, otherwise id be fucked right now.
but youre totally right, I remember when I first signed up to this site we had a talk regarding edso.
I actually rode a bike for a while back before I got my license. unfortunately its 10 degrees where I live now and its to cold to imagine riding a bicycle. but im definitely going to follow up with some of the suggestions you gave me.
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hayabuser

Registered: 01/18/15
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21259864 - 02/11/15 05:49 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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bumpd
-------------------- Everything I post is (science)fiction.
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ixnax
Stranger


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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: hayabuser]
#21272736 - 02/14/15 10:43 AM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Dude, your mother is just human. From what you say, I think she a poor self image and is doing her best to cope with and find her place in life. She seems to have a lot of defenses up. I've lived a long time and I've seen it a lot. Mothers are emotional, they want the best but they like everyone else are flawed and they say and do things that they do not even understand. Women in particular use words in ways that are hurtful, I don't know why but they do and many, especially mothers with their children become very quickly defensive. My mom was horrible to live with when I was younger. I now realize it was a combination of undiagnosed mental illness and hormones. Sometimes there is no right thing you can say to your mother. Yes is not right and no is not right. It is just the way it is and it is by no means just you. Funny thing, I recorded Woodstock a week or two ago and decided to watch it today... as I am typing this Ritchie Havens is singing "Sometimes I feel Like a Motherless Child". Go figure... but know you are not alone and your situation is nothing if not normal. Time will help heal and in time your mother will need you more, she will likely mellow some too. Hang in there. Try to not be too sensitive yourself for tomorrow is a new day. Skunky
-------------------- It wasn't me, I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. You can't prove I did it! Bart
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: ixnax]
#21273172 - 02/14/15 12:52 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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whats good skunky?
thanks for the reply.
im definitely sensitive. that's also one of my problems. im quick to get upset, and judge the situation as one person mentioned to me. a couple years ago I was in a really horrible relationship. my therapist said to me once, "do you know what a codependent relationship is? its when two people stop growing." BOOM! at the time, I only related it to my intimate relationship. but looking at the relationship with my mother, it sooooo applies to it as well.
you mentioned that looking back, you think youre mother had some undiagnosed mental illness. well, my mother is diagnosed. shes pretty sick. back in December she was in the psychiatric ward of the hospital because they put her on some new meds and she had a nervous breakdown. they ended up switching her meds and she was fine for a while. unfortunately, its now one of those situations where the meds only work for a couple months n stop, cause now shes getting bad again. but this all goes back to the quote I mentioned earlier. ive stopped growing. n shes stopped growing. its like im unable to really flourish living under these conditions, and shes unable to be happy, both in the sense that she has never been self fulfilled, and her idea of being "okay", is being enmeshed in some smothering, overbearing, relationship, which she attempts to make with me.
I dunno, sometimes it feels good to ramble, so I hope that all makes sense.
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Spacerific
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21273289 - 02/14/15 01:22 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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IMO this situation can be broken out of (and I've successfully broken out of mine precisely by this method, several times) with simply applying this:
To clarify, for me it was doing things like - quitting a nice paying bank job to go do tech support stuff in some other city 1,000 miles away. - quitting the tech support job to come back home when I got bored, things became routine - going to art school, to further explore creative expression, to be able to paint from Salvia trips - quitting school when it got boring/annoying, going into my first online freelance thing - starting to travel as soon as I had the money, to satisfy my deepest curiosity about what Ayahuasca is like. Totally worth it btw  And from then on, everywhere I look, the more I apply that bald dude's recommendation and just - Find what I truly care about RIGHT NOW, however weird it may seem to others, adn - Following it, pedal to the metal, rock out with yo cock out The more I do that, the better I feel and the more adventure life brings. What I've tried and didn't work for shit, is: - Settling because of money reasons and fears about the future. - Settling to please other people. - Not going for my crazy weird interests because others don't approve. That shit never works. The money from the shitty job won't be able to make up for the fact that you're wasting your life doing what you don't like doing, the performance will be mediocre and so you'll have to start fearing for your job sooner or later, you'll never hear the end of it. So whatever it is you truly like to do, what you're passionate about, I hope you find it and do it, go for it. Whatever it is. Go into pornography if that's what empowers you, or be a BDSM dungeon master/organizer. It doesn't have to be pretty or nice or even legal, it just has to be you. The people who disagree, and even those who are doubting, questioning instead of supporting and trusting, from where I'm standing, all those fuckers can just suck a throbbing bag of dicks. If they can't be supportive and bring on the good vibes, they should just STFU
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Spacerific]
#21273352 - 02/14/15 01:43 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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space, you sent me that video months ago. good to watch it again though.
everything you say is right though.
settling for money reasons? well shit, i don't wanna live with my mom, but i just lost my job and don't have much of a choice at the moment. but if im so unhappy, then i should humble the fuck up and just take any shitty ol' job so i work towards my next move.
settling to please other people? as sickening as it is, im pretty much here because of a) financial reasons and b) fear of the impending nervous breakdown that occurs after i move out. but i cant be living in fear of other peoples feelings. that's something they must learn to deal with on their own, shit.
im trippin heavyyy on some mushrooms next week. hopefully that brings some clarity
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21273408 - 02/14/15 02:02 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
settling for money reasons? well shit, i don't wanna live with my mom, but i just lost my job and don't have much of a choice at the moment. but if im so unhappy, then i should humble the fuck up and just take any shitty ol' job so i work towards my next move.
I'm just saying aim high. Even if you say hey I want that awesome job there (airline pilot or whatever it is for you) and it turns out it'll take 5 years and you'll have to take 2-3 other menial jobs between now and then, that's fine, just be sure that you know what you're heading for. That way even the menial job will be empowered with a sense of mission, of going places. Simpletons will see just some dude mopping floors or whatever it is, but you know that actually you're studying in your spare time to become this or that, in those 5 years. It will completely take out the sting form any crappy job, because it will be temporary, with a clear exit and plan behind it. So in the "taking aim" I meant don't settle for money. If you want to be a toreador, knife thrower or pro juggler or whatever, don't say oh there's no real money in it, so I won't do it. Even if there were no money in it, there's plenty of fun and awesome vibes in it, which pretty much trumps money. MUCH better to be doing what you like and live on modest means, than to be loaded and always wondering what coulda been if you just went for it.
Ya teh shroomies should get things moving along one way or another, they usually have a way of making things happen
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Spacerific]
#21273617 - 02/14/15 03:03 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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youre right. my dream was to actually work in the music industry, which I dropped out of school for. its actually something ive thought of pursuing again, which is funny, cause with the help of one of my fellow shroomery members, hes helping me get back into making music which is awesome.
we'll see!
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saenchai
Stranger
Registered: 10/05/14
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21274004 - 02/14/15 05:01 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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"I am an adult male who cannot or will not support myself financially but I am angry with my mom for treating me like a child." Just sayin. Move first then worry about boundaries. I used to be very combative about my family crossing my boundaries, especially when I still lived in the same house/state as my family. I never liked them telling me what to do and trying to control me from a young age. I could feel the obscenity of it and knew i was right to ignore them and do whatever I liked. If they try it on now in whatever capacity: the passive agressivity, the neediness, attempts at emotional manipulation etc, I just ignore them because I've already put everything in the open on my end and i am not responsible for or care how they choose to conduct themselves.
Boundaries is just a word if what your parents do today still affects you emotionally. Try not to be too harsh with them. Keep the thought that your parents are prolly nearing the end of their time here and if they knew any better they would act differently. They already have to live with the pain of what they create for themselves. You're not in the wrong for straight up cutting them out of your life after a certain point
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: saenchai]
#21276568 - 02/15/15 10:13 AM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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hey saenchai.
I can see how things look from your perspective. it may look like I "cannot or will not support myself financially" but the thing is im a convicted felon. contrary to popular belief, its MUCH harder to get a job with a criminal record than most people think. MOST companies wont even consider hiring you with a criminal record.
i agree with most of what you said, but as with most situations in life, its easier said than done. n when you've been programmed to think and react to situations in a certain way for most of your adult life, its hard to break that cycle. im definitely learning to be more assertive and vocal, but i still have a long way to go. when you say "parents", im only dealing with A parent. a parent whos alone, mentally ill, and has no other children. so although i totally agree with you, its not as easy to just cut someone in this state out of my life.
thanks for the reply
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21281207 - 02/16/15 05:00 AM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Haha, I was watching this Tim Leary documentary, and found this uber relevant bit about him and his mother 
Anyone with me here? I feel exactly the same. If you're going to pray and worry for me, then fuck that
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Spacerific]
#21281625 - 02/16/15 08:34 AM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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This all reminds me of the Law of Attraction. When we focus on the negatives (my mother is this way and I hate her because of it) and not the positives (people love to be around her because she is fun and she has helped me through hard times), we bring more of that into our lives. Yes, personal care and space can help us to get our heads straight, but without taking that peace out into the world with us, we will just get more of the same.
My mother scheduled a family therapy session this week and I am happy to have the opportunity for our relationship to become more healthy.
--------------------
full blown human
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Penelope_Tree]
#21283561 - 02/16/15 03:36 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Penelope_Tree said: This all reminds me of the Law of Attraction. When we focus on the negatives (my mother is this way and I hate her because of it) and not the positives (people love to be around her because she is fun and she has helped me through hard times), we bring more of that into our lives. Yes, personal care and space can help us to get our heads straight, but without taking that peace out into the world with us, we will just get more of the same.
My mother scheduled a family therapy session this week and I am happy to have the opportunity for our relationship to become more healthy.

youre right. if you've ever seen or read "the secret" youre probably pretty familiar with this theory.
this is actually something I attempt to practice on a daily basis. my only problem is that my adrenal glands aren't functioning properly. my body is secreting to much cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline, so im VERY easily excited to say the least. its hard to be rational when you feel like a crackhead sometimes
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Penelope_Tree
Shamanic Panic



Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 8,535
Loc: magic sugarcastle
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21283667 - 02/16/15 03:57 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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That makes sense. From a physiological perspective, you are constantly on high alert. I actually dealt with this two years ago, when I was still living with my mom, ironically, and the best thing I did for myself during that time was to practice meditation, learn everything I could about emotional intelligence, and then put both those to the test when dealing with my mom. It wasn't a quick fix and moving out was necessary in he end (obviously I didnt want to live with my mom forever anyway, regardless of who she is as a person). It did teach me that I can approach the situation from a compassionate perspective. We are still working on the boundaries part - the therapy session should start working on those aspects.
There is a quote by Anaïs Nin that I find extremely helpful in these situations and it is this: "you cannot save people, only love them."
--------------------
full blown human
Edited by Penelope_Tree (02/16/15 06:13 PM)
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Spacerific
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Penelope_Tree] 1
#21284581 - 02/16/15 06:07 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
my only problem is that my adrenal glands aren't functioning properly.
Let's explore this a bit.
How come this is happening? Since when?
Isn't it at least in part due to you living in places and doing things that would get EVERYBODY on high alert, dumping out stress hormones into their bloodstream like it's candy?
Based on what would your body do oxytocin releases? Do you have girls and skin contact regularly, plenty of it? Based on what would it do endorphin releases? Do you exercise enough right now? Based on what would it do serotonin releases? Are you in a team-based project or operation right now?
You could also say that your lymph system isn't detoxing you properly (while not moving enough) or that your muscles aren't strong enough or whatever, but you usually have a lot of say in how those organs function, whether or not you compensate for their natural weakness or whatever fucks with them from the environment.
Even if you've been diagnosed with something, often (not always, but often) that's a point reading, some doc concluding that yes, right now the body works like this. ADHD or OCD or depression or whatever. But they usually don't have the time to go to your home see how you live, is it fun there, what's in the fridge there, to talk to your closed ones see if they're empowering and fun or depressive and draining as fuck, careful or careless people, etc. Don't stop at blaming the organ. Zoom out and look at the larger dynamics at play there.
Why would your adrenal glands allegedly work improperly? Even if that's so, how will you get them to working properly from now on?
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Spacerific]
#21284733 - 02/16/15 06:27 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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whats up space.
adrenal glands can become damaged by any one number of things. obviously stress and depression are near the top of the list. for me what started it was excessive alcohol use. alcohol damages the adrenal glands badly, and years ago when I was a drunken insomniac, spending a good 20 hours of the day belligerent drunk, my adrenal glands started to fail on me.
you can help heal them by improving lifestyle factors, or taking prescription medication. I go the natural route and I take holy basil which is an herb they use in india. its an adaptogen and helps your body in the way it responds to stress. it actually helps quite a bit.
im seeing this chick currently, so currently im not lacking in that department.
exercise is tough especially with adrenal issues. youre not supposed to do heavy lifting cause weight training only signals your body to release crazy amounts of cortisol. once I get a few bucks at the end of this week though, im gonna sign up to a gym so I can atleast hit the treadmill a couple days a week n what not. definitely could use some more exercise. I would even go outside and jog but its 4 degrees here and its been windy so that's not even an option.
n no, im sure im lacking in the serotonin department. I do have an interview Monday for a pretty good job which sounds promising. its in the same field as my last job so im keeping my fingers crossed. that will lift such a weight off my back.
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PDU
travel kid vs.amerika



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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Penelope_Tree]
#21284972 - 02/16/15 07:06 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Penelope_Tree said:
There is a quote by Anaïs Nin that I find extremely helpful in these situations and it is this: "you cannot save people, only love them."
Thank you for this.
-------------------- GO OUTSIDE.
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21285211 - 02/16/15 07:52 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Mate focus on things like:
Slow, controlled movement. But playful, chill, fun. I do juggling, I may do handstands, I literally do trippy hand movements ALL THE TIME, slow and careful, kinda like Raoul Duke in Fear and Loathing. It's TREMENDOUS help in modulating reality, how much I take in, and what brain frequency ranges my brain goes for.
My mother is sometimes like your mother, so if I don't have a way to pick up myself and choose my brainwave response, I'd be fucked in 2-3 conversations, just trembling with anger and having to force myself not to snap, at which point I'd be flushed with cortisol. Some of that still happens, but rarely.
Ayurveda says to always lift or push the body with exercise, only to about 75%, so never push to failure. I suspect it's precisely to not trigger that cortisol response. You can lift just fine, but be VERY mindful when you cross that fun-stress barrier.
Dancing at home is free, just put on the Ozora 2011 Official video and play 
Headstands, spine twists, any number of yoga routines are free as well, just youtube the video and hit it. Be in that mattress room and play. I've been not exercising for months while I've been telling myself I'm gonna. Then I started using videos, and the vid doesn't lie. If you play it every day, or 3 times a week, you WILL do the routine every day, or 3 times a week. Just find a couple of videos that work for you. Personally I dig Pavel Tsatsouline, Kundalini Yoga with Gurmukh and a couple of others. Gym is a luxury, because it costs money. Lacking that, the home can still be a decent place to do things in, we just need video to guide us as to what to do when, in what order.
Holy fuck 
I was looking for a couple of vids to share here, I had this epic series with this nice group (dudes and girls) having nice workouts in an industrial area, and while looking I found this epic thing here. Just listen to her talk 
I take no responsibility for you becoming  during or after watching this video  OK here we go, these are them. I recommend this channel for a couple of reasons. - It's a group. Men and women, and the actual configuration of who's on changes with each episode. If you get bored with one routine you can just hit another. WHO you work out with is important, and IMO it's important to have both guys and girls on the screen, because your neurology engages these differently - The guy running it is slightly annoying. Him and his fucking blonde mohawk whatever the fuck that is  This is very useful because it kicks in your sense of competition. Just look at that fucking guy, what a piece of shit Nazi bastard  - The ladies are varied in size and weight and skin color, and it's awesome to start picking favorites. I know I have this fave episode with this chick dressed in violet, it's always awesome seeing her on screen. Makes me go  Try a couple of these out, or explore for better. Video goes a long long way, it's effective at locking in time to actually doing the workouts, it's fixed length so you know what you're getting into, and it's free. Here it is:
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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m4dScientist
Music Always Helps


Registered: 08/04/14
Posts: 1,616
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: Spacerific]
#21285437 - 02/16/15 08:43 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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damn dude, that little girl is fuckin ripped 
and youre totally right. I watched that video for about 15 seconds n I thought, "this guy is a fuckin tool", but im trying to be less judgmental these days, and I have faith in you, so when I have a couple of minutes to sit down ill check it out.
good post though. definitely are some techniques im gonna try applying, just to keep a more positive, mellow vibe. I figure the more things I have to do and distract my mind with at this point, the better.
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Spacerific
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Registered: 10/13/12
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Re: Help. I <3 my mother, but she's killing me. [Re: m4dScientist]
#21285601 - 02/16/15 09:31 PM (9 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
so when I have a couple of minutes to sit down ill check it out.
No don't check it out then, that's just time wasted.
Habits mate, make the habits. Reserve some shoes for using indoors, for aerobics. Put on said shoes, clear some space and put on some type of sports clothes. Pants and t-shirt, whatever. THEN play this video.
We're assuming you'll be actually moving to it (or other vids like it) not sitting on the chair watching. I know you maybe were talking more figuratively, but anyway I invite you to run that movie in your mind, how do your next couple of workouts play out? For me it's shoes, space, video. Shoes, space, video. Or yoga mat, space, yoga video. Yoga mat, space, yoga video.
Quote:
I figure the more things I have to do and distract my mind with at this point, the better.
Yeah exactly. And not so much distracting, as literally flowing into. Complete focus on new things, full head full immersion, and then after the workout/walk/library session/whatever, the older stuff has less presence in your life (neurologically, you have less areas of your brain engaged with negative stimuli).
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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