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 Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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 Guided by a light 
#2124630 - 11/20/03 08:43 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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So here I am, sitting at my computer on a rainy Thursday morning.
Thinking.
One of the hardest tasks I've been battling with is what I might refer to as transcending the 'Here and Now'. One word: School. I've been going to college for a couple years now but have always found repeating in my head how unrealistic and almost psychotic it seems to be devoting all your time and energy into this entity called an education. You filter out your immediate surroundings, and instead plunge into a world of numbers and words.
I could never get past the entry level feeling of college. I was always on the verge of really devoting myself to it, and then pulling out, back into my normal routine of holding up a Stop sign to everything around me and just standing still, refusing to ride any currents away from my position.
I could say that I going to school is the same thing as being 'Here and Now'. That learning things is the best part of it. But I don't think that is accurate. If that were the case then I would always be getting books from the library to read in my spare time, and studying independently in other ways.
No. I admit I am willingly subscribing to an educational system in order to crash course my brain and to vigorously pursue my full potential. To get me out of this town and doing things that not many people have done before. This is a great opportunity that not many people in the world have, and I see it as almost a holy calling.
Why do I say that? Because when I really think about it rationally, it just seems so bizarre and unnatural and not like me to focus in on one thing with a sense of tunnel vision. Forgetting the universes beside me and stepping onto a rung.
Many things I used to ponder and worry about are vanishing before my eyes. For a long time I wouldn't let them go. I felt they were me and I couldn't lose a part of myself or else my soul would be lost.
That's where my idea of god comes in. I don't feel I have the conscious power to decide where I'm supposed to be going. When I really break down the reasoning process of my actions... everything becomes neutral. There is no right or wrong, there is no better or worse. I feel powerless therefore to decide what to do. That's where I feel a higher power is guiding me. Because I can not rationalize it or make any sense of it logically. I have surrendered to it.
And I have feared the concept of a god for so long.. Funny how contageous dogma is... God is just a word. You should never fear a word.
I could do nothing the rest of my life and I would still be a living breathing learning experiencing human being. But that is not where I feel I belong, and to claim that means alot to me.
I've written before how I've felt mental demons have infiltrated every aspect of my ego, resulting in me being scared to death to move in any direction of my own free will. To say I have a purpose used to sound like the most stuck up pompous thing I could ever claim. But I can not look away from what I feel now.
I don't even want to get into that free will vs. determinism stuff. I'm done trying to define existence.
I've always heard little voices telling me this. And I've always seen visions... snapshots. That is about as well as I can explain it. 
Thanks for reading
Peace S&P
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 kaiowas
lest we baguette
Registered: 07/14/03
Posts: 5,501
Loc: oz
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 Re: Guided by a light [Re: Grav]
#2124668 - 11/20/03 09:01 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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yep
and it's it great to find this neutrality??
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Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: Guided by a light [Re: kaiowas]
#2124706 - 11/20/03 09:24 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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wow, that post fucked up hardcore the first time i did it
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salviadog
Stranger
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 92
Last seen: 10 months, 19 days
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Re: Guided by a light [Re: Grav]
#2124939 - 11/20/03 11:36 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm currently attending college, and I pretty much have the same thing going on. It seems like there is two paths that I could take in my life right now. One is continuing with school, and becoming a computer scientist. I would start a family hopefully, get a nice house, and be content. The other is giving up on school and on the materialistic lifestyle in general. Going to some buddhist monastery and living in peace. So, living the "normal" life or living the spiritual life. I've been stuck in limbo for about a year now; sometimes concentrating on school and sometimes concentrating on spirituality. Never really deciding on a path. I know I could be great at either one if I would just choose and concentrate my efforts on one. But, something always tugs at me the other way when I start to walk one of the paths. I don't think I'm experiencing divine intervention, I think I just really want to be happy. I'm just not sure which path is right. You might want to consider battling the demons within you, or just choose to go along with them. Then you will find your path.
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Happiness is not being smart enough to know what to worry about.
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kaiowas
lest we baguette
Registered: 07/14/03
Posts: 5,501
Loc: oz
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Re: Guided by a light [Re: salviadog]
#2124947 - 11/20/03 11:42 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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dude I feel you on that. I'm in that same situation myself. like I could make a great ass career, but is it really what I want. I can do it, that's not the issue. the issue is that am i going to be happy working where I want to work. more than likely though, I work, but still work on spirituality at the same time. in other words...teaching!!!!
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Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.
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Swami
Eggshell Walker
Registered: 01/18/00
Posts: 15,413
Loc: In the hen house
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Re: Guided by a light [Re: salviadog]
#2125098 - 11/20/03 12:51 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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Trust me on this one as an elder here. It is not an either or proposition; yet I thought much like you as a young man. I frequently joke, but am dead serious. I screwed around for years "trying to find myself" and missed out on much that life had to offer. Traveling, hippie stuff, yoga retreats; etc.
Get your education and do all of the basic material things FIRST or concurrently with your other endeavors. Much, much easier to explore when you have money in the bank, a house, a career; etc.
Remember that Ram Dass and Tim Leary had their PhDs and prestigious positions before embarking on their other journeys.
PM me if you want.
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The proof is in the pudding.
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Mixomatosis
great ape
Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 1,306
Loc: cipherland
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: Guided by a light [Re: Swami]
#2125167 - 11/20/03 01:19 PM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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I'm 22.. After high school I didn't know what I wanted to study (had good marks, teachers expected me to go to university), so I took "a year off" as everybody calls it. Then I took another one, and another one, and I still haven't gone. I stopped considering the time I don't educate myself as "time off" a few years ago, and now my life's actually begun. I've watched most of my friends who started post-secondary education right out of high school either drop out or change their majors. If I went to university now, I'd have a lot more stuff figured out, so I'd be focused on whatever area I chose to study, and I'd do quite well I'm sure. I reccomend taking some time away from university if you aren't sure what to do with yourself. Remember there's plenty of time.
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castaway
Isanybodyreallyhome?
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 553
Last seen: 18 years, 9 hours
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Re: Guided by a light [Re: kaiowas]
#2126723 - 11/21/03 04:27 AM (20 years, 4 months ago) |
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"teaching!!!!"- kaiowas
I think civilisation is founded on the principle of learning (we're all teachers and learners).
I don't think we need necessarily follow the advice or expectations of others to fullfill our potential. or to reap the rewards of experience.
If the relationship of teacher/student is undefined then each is equal in status...which means that the lowliest hobo has as much to teach/lead as that of someone with presidential status.
The vocation of Teacher is much under-appreciated considering they comprise the backbone of civilization...and perhaps we could better our conditions if we looked towards Teachers to be Leaders and Presidents rather than buisinessmen.
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