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I have no close friends that truly care about me. Outside of college no one reaches out to talk to me or see how I'm doing. No one from school has texted me over these holidays.
Dude, that's counting your inputs. Looking and waiting and worrying about how the world treats you. Can't really end well because you're tensing up about things that are 100% outside of your control.
How about you tell us:
- Who do YOU truly care about? - How do you actively show it? - Who do YOU reach out to talk to? - Who do YOU see how they're doing? - Who have YOU texted over these holidays?
Furthermore, since I happen to firmly believe that texting is an entirely nerdy activity, who have you called, hugged, massaged and fucked into glorious orgasms, over these holidays? I know pretty much nobody, and that's fine, I haven't either, been a slow couple of weeks, but I'm saying that's the kind of questions you should be focusing on. The rest is watered down hogwash.
Counting your exits, your outputs (which you absolutely control) as opposed to your inputs (which you don't, the only thing you can do about them is be sad and fruitlessly worry).
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I hate my personality and can't change myself.
I call bullshit on you not being able to change yourself. In fact, if you really hate your present situation and personality, that's a pretty good start. You'll find it an immensely effective motivator, PRECISELY in the direction of change. The more you hate the current state of events, the more you'll be likely to start looking for greener pastures. If you're afraid to start moving now, that's fine, just give it another 6 months, you'll find unparalleled enthusiasm for all things new and boldly heading way outside the comfort zone 
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Im a fucking mess guys. Im going to probably ride it out 5 more years or so and see if my life is at a better point then but I'm still alone and sad then I may draw the curtain.
Well it's definitely a good thing that you're planning. This particular plan is a bit of a mess and needs a lot of improvement before it's worth putting trust in, but I do appreciate the planning mindset 
Before you can figure out what to do for the next 5 years, try to take in the following:
- You've been spending too much time alone, probably indoors, physically inactive, insufficient skin contact. - These things can affect your thinking, focusing on, and amplifying the negative, while dismissing the positive, the potential rewards of activity. - Since your thinking was affected in this way, your current default questions and thought loops are in all probability, useless. You WILL need to borrow new ones. - To get out of this state (which is absolutely, entirely possible) you will need to go at it with brand new questions, that may feel unfamiliar at first, but will start delivering if you persist for even a few days.
Here are some: - What would you like to do instead? What comes to mind when you ask this? Whatever you dislike, hate and are pissed off about now, what would you like to do instead? Describe in detail. Hold the but's at the end, keep it positive  - What hobbies would you like to develop? - Where would you like to go? - What would you like to start doing? - What are you already doing, that you'd like to do more? - Who would you like to bang or befriend next, realistically? Make it achievable, in the range of your past 2-3 friends or sex partners, not Hollywood actresses and Olympic athletes. Keep it simple, achievable.
Finally, one pattern that you've probably been dwelling in is the Yes-but-excuse, or Positive-but-negative. Variations of this.
I know X is good BUT yadda yadda, excuse why I can't do it. I know exercise is awesome, but blah. Sound familiar? Do you feel the energy rising after the I know, and then being quickly dissipated by the "but blah blah"? This is something that you are doing, nothing and nobody else. It's a choice. Once you see it, you get more freedom to keep using it or switch to something else.
I don't care about the yadda yadda and the blah, the content doesn't matter.
I am just pointing out that after months of dwelling in this, your head will have it and be pretty effective at giving you content to dismiss things with. Whenever you (or anyone else) presents positive ideas, your mind will loop it around for a few milliseconds, then find a quick Yes-but to dismiss it with, and then you'll be idling on your ass again, looking for "more ideas".
To counter this, I want you to start practicing the opposite.
The opposite pattern is Negative-but-positive, or difficult-but-doing-it-anyway.
Instead of looking for good things to find excuses for not doing, I want you to look for fun yet challenging things, and list their difficulties and challenges, and then slap on the BUT, here's what I'll do about it anyway.
YOu can start with
I'm depressed but ... <- fill it in here.
What you have after the BUT, should be a POSITIVE.
So when you say this sucks but I have to do it, the "I have to" is also a negative. If you say this sucks but I love the money it brings in, then you're starting to go places. This sucks but it's my last day at this job so whopee!
This kind of thing.
YOu will also catch yourself using this, now that you know it. When that happens, that's fine, roll with it, just add ANOTHER but at the end of the excuse.
So you end up with something like Good idea BUT here's why it won't work ... oh shit, I just did it. Well put another but after the why it won't work, and dispel that. But we know that's a BS excuse, because - Many other people have done it (and find weaker, dumber, sicker, poorer people that have done what you wanted to do) - Add your own reasons why the good idea is in fact a good idea, and the excuse is flimsy.
If you just start asking What would I like instead? (At the end of ANY AND ALL negative thoughts) and then explore that positive wish you have, and second tool, if instead of the disempowering positive-but-negative pattern, you start thinking in the empowering negative-but-positive one (ending on a high note), then IMO you'll start to go places in no time.
Now I could do this for you, but as an exercise, how about you re-read your OP and reformulate it, with the principles above? It's your life. You either take charge a bit more of how you think, or you remain in this low energy state. It's not about what happens outside, it's how you interpret and process it internally. The negative and positive come to all people, it's just that some choose to see the positive-but-negative, others the negative-but-positive. This simple change in order can flip you from horrible moods of self-hatred, to ta dee dah, to dee doo, life is happy so are you
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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i, like you, just assumed things would get better over time, without making any real effort to change the things in my life i wasnt happy with. i thought that was just "fair", that life would eventually offer me good things for all the suffering i have been through. but it doesnt. i sat on my ass for years, n withdrew, n isolated, n wallowed in self pity, abused alchohol n drugs, prescription medication all to no avail.
its hard to find something youre passionate about when depression has killed all the joy in your life. keeping busy is probably the one thing that will help you most at this point. sign up to a gym, find some yoga classes on groupon, its a great opportunity to meet people n its CHEAP (most of whom are working towards self improvement), research and find music youre passionate about, go for walks outside, find people on here you can conversate with if youre feeling lonely (you can shoot me a pm n vent if need be, ive been there before), sign up to a dating site, even if you dont have the funds or resources to date at this point, just message a bunch of people n see what happens, have no expectations. try getting into meditating and journaling. its a good way to calm the mind, and not get caught up in negative thought patterns. these are only a few suggestions. most of which have improved my life in one way or another.
see what works for you, but dont give up!
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