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Offlinegreenery1
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Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality
    #21061375 - 01/03/15 02:30 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

I stopped using mushies for almost a year now since I had a terrible paranoid trip, and had always previously done 2-5g. Well I started again doing small doses, I use a measuring spoon of 5-10ml ground and dried. What I discovered was much more pleasant trips, and low and behold, what non-duality is all about. In fact this is why I tried them in the first place, but I realize now that I was taking to big a dose to start with. I may be particularly sensitive or the shrooms may just be very strong.

Anyways I am very happy after all these years of meditation and studying about spirituality and non-duality to finally truly see what I am. I'm curious to see how many folks here see the same or can add any suggestions to this type of exploration.  I will gradually increase my doses as I release more emotional baggage, which has still been a lot. This all happened on Jan 1st which was a nice way to kick off the new year.

I was able to see that I am this empty field of crystal clear awareness in which the world appears, in which everything appears - sound, touch, thought, all of the senses. It was mind blowing to see that this field of vision just appears, that it is doing itself. In so seeing, with the third eye deeply open, all stress and anxiety disolved, it was bliss and joy to just be. I was truly free of the self, it was so incredibly beautiful and liberating to experience this. I felt truly free.

Emotional baggage came up, I experienced the death of my mother, letting her go, which was deeply painful, it was like giving birth, I cried and cried through all of it. I let go of my self, the idea of being a separate self, as well as the idea of who I was in my career. I contemplated my own death and realized the impermance of our being in this world and how everything at an emotial level was an attachment of some kind. And so on, it was all very therapeutic as I reflect on it now. It was a kind of healing that I doubt I could have done any other way, and I felt deep gratitude and thanks for this gift of a life, and was just so happy to have finally seen what I am.

I wish that I had done this 20 years ago when I was still young, I sort of did things in reverse, studying about spirituality and doing meditation (to 3rd and 4th jhana) for the past 15 years. So oh well I am just grateful that I discovered this at all, and hope to explore this more deeply over the coming year.

One question, can I use these kind of smaller doses on a daily basis without threat to my health? I use cana-oil pretty much everyday already, they mix so well together. I was dry today and can see how as I release more and more emotional baggage, perhaps at some point I won't feel the need to use them at all, or just infrequently perhaps.

A last question, is lsd better for this sort of exploration? I have to say the mushies do bring up a lot of emotional baggage, or is that just because as we go deeper inwards, we must pass through the emotional layer before?

Thanks for reading!

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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21061483 - 01/03/15 02:56 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

smallish doses are good, but not every day.
you find something sustainable, every 3rd day.
and if you can afford it, it becomes your thing.
if you need an everyday boost, a tiny bit of salvia in the morning will straighten that out.
(only speaking from experience of course)


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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: redgreenvines]
    #21063849 - 01/03/15 10:04 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks. Where do folks advise finding salvia? I have not tried it.

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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21064636 - 01/04/15 06:24 AM (9 years, 4 months ago)

google


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OfflineHalayudha
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: redgreenvines]
    #21065060 - 01/04/15 09:44 AM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Very nice and interesting post, greenery.  I'm rather of a similar mind to Alan Watts when he said, "When you get the message, hang up the phone." 

But this is just a thought and an idea, you should do as you please, of course. :-)

Have you thought about marijuana? If you have a high quality source of that, it can be just as spiritual. Rastafarians consider it a holy sacrament, and they say that it lets them see truth, "as removing the wool from eyes."

It's cool that you study spirituality - I did as well, before I ever tripped, and I am fairly sure that it is part of why I never had a bad trip, and only had the most wonderful ones. . . Also from a young age I was able to develop naturally, without TV or other things, out in the country with plenty of room to run about in. .

I'd studied a lot of the most interesting things. . including Watts' The Joyous Cosmology, and my first LSD trip was the most profound experience of my life, it lasted for 6 or 7 hours, and it began by meditation. . .the feeling of absorption grew deeper until I suddenly felt non-duality, the bursting of all the bubbles, how everything was emptiness- but really in the Buddhist sense, sort of "emptiness suffused with compassion."  But that was just the beginning, just the first few minutes. I went on to experience the boundlessness, the buddha-nature, and then also that every form of existence was as one. .

Then I experienced several of the things Watts describes, that was near the height of it. . . very beautiful . . .I've always felt I went slightly further and understood it slightly better. . but- that's not important really. .

Some of my teachers were-
Black Elk, Rumi, Alan Watts, Vivekananda, Dogen Zenji, Rama Dass, Thich Nhat Hanh, Goethe, Shelley, Blake, Sri Ramana Maharshi, Sri Aurobindo, Sri Ramakrishna, Bankei, Bassui, Milarepa. . .

In particular, I was also listening to one of the most beautiful, spiritually potent mantras and songs ever, the Heart Sutra mantra, this version if I remember right:


That was what I was listening to. . It was definitely good. :-)

Some of the other teachers, such as Milarepa - well that's tantra, and traditionally you're supposed to have a direct teacher, and they're from the old times very secret teachings. . the reason for this is that it's understood to be dangerous if you don't - I would say that at least, a good background is necessary. . .

I also practiced a lot of mantra meditation, the Medicine Buddha mantra, the Green Tara mantra, the Jewel in the Lotus, several others. . .

Of course everyone's life is totally unique and special - and you've studied a great deal - in fact you're a lot older than me; I'm 26, my enlightenment experience happened when I was 19. . Like you say, it is wonderful to do it at a good age; not too young or old. . . I've had many other wonderful experiences. .  The most important thing I've found is the principle of selectivity - if you only listen to the most self-realized .1% of humanity, then you'll find that the effects of this are remarkable. . .

And yet - it's a poor pupil that doesn't surpass their master(s), so all of these things are only the starting off-point, and if you have the right stuff, you should become the leading-tip of consciousness, so to speak, at some point. . . Does this make sense? What I basically mean is, find the most exceptionally brilliant, kind, wise, intelligent teachers, learn and study from them, and if you follow your heart, the way, the beauty, the truth, whatever you call it - one day or other you'll be the brightest Star in our little human universe.

In my mind these teachers have been Thich Nhat Hanh, and others. . . He was just a monk; he lived through the Vietnam war. . . his compassionate wisdom is of a very unique character, and I don't believe there's any living teacher who understands the heart, how to live and grow, how to be free of suffering, to be happy, to transform suffering, and the rest, than he is. .

As Rumi says, "Don't follow others, they may be blind, or worse yet, vultures. . "

or more positively, “Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  :-)

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/875661.Rumi

Hanh;

http://www.uth.tmc.edu/pathology/hematopathology/Nguyen/TNH-Quotes-2.htm

Do as you please of course - and all I am really wishing to say is have you thought about marijuana, because it's wonderful?  And even this beautiful substance - I still, personally in my life, feel it's best to take several months off at a time, because that's the best way for me to be sharp in making 100% accurate decisions in any kind of endeavor. . . or even to write beautiful poetry -

I apologize if I've gone on too long, friend - it may be better to put this in some thread of my own but I have no wish at this time to start any new threads. . .
The wonderful thing is we don't have to read each others' threads if we don't want to :-)

I'm still new here - and I'm unbelievably relieved and gladdened to have found this site. . . When I had my experience, part of it was that it was necessary to be shared. . . that since illusion was nothing - I had the experience of it vanishing, you know?  Truth sweeping across the world in an instant or moment, illusion vanishing because it is nothing, and the whole world waking up. . . And so, one of the first things I did, was share it on a forum I was a part of, but yet- the reaction was an encounter with paranoia and negativity. . .

So - I am infinitely relieved to be in this place where there are others who have felt the divine consciousness, experienced it and I am glad there is. . . just this community. . . I am so glad.  So grateful to be here. 
I'll stop saying it ;p

Much happiness, and strength and peace to everyone,
Om Shanti :-)


--------------------
Call me not rebel, though { here at every word
                          {in what I sing
If I no longer hail thee  { King and Lord
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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: redgreenvines] * 1
    #21065626 - 01/04/15 12:15 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

I live in a tropical country and so perhaps I could order a cutting of salvia and grow some on my balcony, its on average 30c here.

While I have had very visual trips on mushies in the past - the weird cartoon world window opening in my mind - lots of fun, but nothing like this. This was seeing how the field of vision and all of the senses is all there is, and how we are this infinite open empty awareness.

I have seen this before, but just on weed, when you see how everything is one connected thing as it were, the outside is the inside, but never so powerfully and clear as this. My vision was like a movie being projected, or rather just appearing; it no longer had any content, I was no longer 'in' it, I 'was' it so to speak.

I've been dry the past couple of days, and have caught very brief glimpses of it, but it is hard to notice. What I have found is myself falling into habits of thinking, emotions and anger coming up, and catching myself getting lost in thoughts. I try to say to myself that I am open empty awareness, and I try to see that this is all just appearing, the thoughts, the emotions, the anger, the pain in my body from getting older, the lack of energy, boredom, and that often helps diffuse the hold on me. It comes and goes, and I would hope with practice, that this knowing will come to predominate over these more transient attachments and habits of thought.

Anyways, I want to stay dry in order to see how well I can integrate these insights, and to see what happens in the next few days. I do notice a marked difference in my piano playing today, which after meditation was some of the best playing I have done in ages.

I'll just add one trip note, there was a point where I felt a symbiosis with my environment, the energy moved up my spine and aligned my body in a way that I felt it was 'alive' (which of course it is I guess), it was communicating with 'me', and that this knowing was the dao, and that when we see it and acknowledge it as such, it supports us, and so forth...but since there is no 'me', then it was actually thought recognizing that this energy/knowing is in fact what I am. Something like that.

Halayudha, I just saw your post as I was posting this, thank you for your reply. My entry into spirituality happened at the age of 25 when I had a full spontaneous kundalini awakening. For two months I felt that I was (what they call) enlightened. I wont go into that here, but just to say that it changed my life, and started me on this journey. I have had many other 'awakenings' like that, never as powerful, but always similar.

Yes I use weed regularly now, I use 'cana-oil' (THC extracted into coconut oil), which I prefer, a slow onset, more powerful and sustained highs, usually about 6 hours all together with a good 3 hour peak. I have not tried LSD yet, but I have the feeling it would be more what I am looking for from reading your post.

Teachers that I like at the moment are Peter Brown and Rupert Spira, they seem to say as well as any of the non-dual teachers what this is all about. And yes all of the old masters are great. I still enjoy listening to Alan Watts as well.

Thanks I will read your post again and see what else I come up with a bit later. Much appreciated and thanks for sharing!

Edited by greenery1 (01/04/15 12:26 PM)

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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21356888 - 03/03/15 03:11 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I have many friends who have done acid since their teens, and yet they have never mentioned if they have seen what we are talking about here or not. From their behavior, I would guess not, this has to be one of the most transformative experiences of my life, it cut through some sort of samsaric compulsive behavior that I was not even aware of, and every day since I am feeling more integrated and back on a path of just giving all that I can through my teaching practice, I have started composing again after over a year of writers block, I have noticed changes in relationships, and a much greater degree of positive energy in my life.

I had always assumed that people who do acid or shrooms, know what this is, not so?

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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21357121 - 03/03/15 04:10 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Loving this thread!  This is exactly the experience I hope to open myself up to.  I have had a mystical experience before I ever tried psychedelics.  I just recently had my first trip and it touched the space I entered before but not as profound as the experience I had without psychedelics.  Greenery, could you share a little about the setting during your trip?


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“People are so alienated from their own soul that when they meet their soul they think it comes from another star system.”
– Terence McKenna

Edited by TrailGazer (03/03/15 04:40 PM)

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OfflineLoaded Shaman
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: TrailGazer]
    #21357141 - 03/03/15 04:17 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

That's what it's all about right there; that boundary dissolution. Great stories here.


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"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance." — Confucius

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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: TrailGazer]
    #21361321 - 03/04/15 01:38 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

TrailGazer said:
Loving this thread!  This is exactly the experience I hope to open myself up to.  I have had a mystical experience before I ever tried psychedelics.  I just recently had my first trip and it touched the space I entered before but not as profound as the experience I had without psychedelics.  Greenery, could you share a little about the setting during your trip?




Hi TrailGazer,

I also had a profound awakening long before I tried shrooms, about 15 years before, what I experienced is usually called a 'kundalini' awakening. That too still seems to be the most profound spiritual awakening that I have ever had, but I did not recognize at that time what this was, or who I wasn't! It lasted about two months. Been a seeker ever since. About 10 years later I started using cannabis, 8 years later I feel like I'm just getting the hang of how to use it most effectively (hash-oil). I started using shrooms at too large a dose last year and only had uncomfortable trips, over kill I see now. 

I want to throw in here that I have been a serious meditator since the kundalini awakening, and I can now drop into 2nd or 3rd Jhana within an hour of meditation. The 3rd Jhana is also the non-dual state, I feel all anxiety and worry disappear, and inside I feel an ecstatic blissful lift into infinite open space, with eyes closed. This is the dissolution of the 'self' as it manifests as physical sensation, pain, suffering, in the body. Thought normally subsides here. But I don't want to downplay the role that psychedelics has played in helping me see what is actually going on here. So I am in an exploratory stage with that at the moment, but I suspect I will settle back into my meditation practice at some point, or perhaps discover that I don't need it in the same way that I used to think. 

I may be more sensitive than some to shrooms, but as I mentioned, I took about 10-15ml of ground shrooms (using a measuring spoon, I dont know how many grams that would be), and I always use weed as I tend to get very agitated on the come up usually, and the weed helps tip it into the hallucinatory state.

I was doing yoga on the roof of my condo when I had this seeing, way up high, nobody there, it was Jan 1st, 2015, great way to kick off the year. But I have to say the new year is a particularly low point of the year for me, so baggage came up, I let go of my mother, my self, a kind of 'birthing', lots of self reproach, emotional outpouring (always seems to gravitate towards my mother for whatever reason, attachment I guess, but I experienced her death, which was very sad, but less painful than I was expecting. She is actually still alive, but it seems I had not yet let go of my attachment to her).

I had already seen what this is, as I mentioned when I was at McDonalds the previous year, and subsequently many times over the following year. But NEVER as I saw it on the 1st of this year.

There literally was/is NOBODY HERE! Each sensory field appears as an assemblage. From that assemblage of sensory fields, we construct the notion of a self. Others will be able to explain all this better than I can. Vision literally is an apparition, what is seen is the totality of the apparition ALL AT ONCE. It's like its just floating there, not a seeing OF something IN vision, but the ENTIRE field of vision itself is an apparition just appearing here. It is also seen that it has always been this way, and always will.

Seeing this as duality, or as 'non-duality' is a kind of confusion (and neither of those terms actually apply here anyways because what this is cannot be said, thinking becomes like a well trained dog, it sits when told to, and comes when called), what is seen is that it can appear as both dual AND non-dual, thats when it begins to get trippy. Its not one or the other or anything else, its all of them at the same time!

The liberation comes from being completely in the moment, there is nothing but this awareness appearing, it is true freedom, nothing else could matter. I felt that I have no other purpose here now than to help others see what this is. Which sounds mighty pretentious from the perspective of the conditioned mind, but it makes perfect sense when it is realized.

It seems like the language function shuts down, it becomes a tiny part of this, and as I said, it no longer interferes. Sensory experience, and a very deep knowing, prevails.

Deep revelatory insight arises spontaneously, not in language, but as an inner knowing, a completed understanding. The 'great perfection' as they say in Dzogchen.

This is 'Rigpa', the experience of this knowing, finally you see that you are nothing but this light of clear knowing. And it seems that whatever it was I experienced on the 1st of Jan, it cut through whatever samsaric ties had previously been driving my life for the past 15-20 years.

I hope that answers something of your question? I live in a tropical climate, but it was cool on the 1st Jan, sunny and warm, that was my setting. It was nice being up on the roof as it gave me a 360 degrees panoramic view and aural field, this gave the sense that the sound was all around me, saturated, yet safely exposed, as though I was on the top of a sacrificial temple or something like that.

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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21365472 - 03/05/15 10:29 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

That's awesome, thanks for sharing! :thumbup:


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“People are so alienated from their own soul that when they meet their soul they think it comes from another star system.”
– Terence McKenna

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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: TrailGazer]
    #21365512 - 03/05/15 10:41 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I don't know a lot about Eastern mysticism but I'm interested in this nonduality you speak of. I know Terence McKenna said, “The chief lesson to be learned from the psychedelic experience is the degree to which unexamined cultural values and limitations of language have made us the unwitting prisoners of our own assumptions.”
I feel like the normal way I have of explaining things dissolves on mushrooms. Things are not so black and white and I feel this is partly responsible for the ego dissolution as well. We normally define who we are by a bunch of biographical information and when under the influence this definition becomes narrowly insufficient. I think the way in which we analyze others in terms of our own moral templates is shattered as well causing one to experience enhanced kinship and compassion.
I'd surely like to learn more about this. Do you have any book suggestions for me OP?


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Edited by SoloTrip (03/05/15 10:51 AM)

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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: SoloTrip]
    #21365915 - 03/05/15 12:30 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

SoloTrip said:
I don't know a lot about Eastern mysticism but I'm interested in this nonduality you speak of. I know Terence McKenna said, “The chief lesson to be learned from the psychedelic experience is the degree to which unexamined cultural values and limitations of language have made us the unwitting prisoners of our own assumptions.”
I feel like the normal way I have of explaining things dissolves on mushrooms. Things are not so black and white and I feel this is partly responsible for the ego dissolution as well. We normally define who we are by a bunch of biographical information and when under the influence this definition becomes narrowly insufficient. I think the way in which we analyze others in terms of our own moral templates is shattered as well causing one to experience enhanced kinship and compassion.
I'd surely like to learn more about this. Do you have any book suggestions for me OP?




I found peter brown's talks in a way the most down to earth and 'real' of the many non-dual teachers out there, he has a book called dirty enlightenment, but what I like about his talks is he is basically just answering questions, so its all happening in real time. Videos all on utube, and his site: http://theopendoorway.org/audiovisual.html

He seems to cut to the core of things, lots of repetition, but always looking at what this is from the perspective and problems which people present to him.

I also have found Rupert Spira to be very lucid and clear, concise and exact, again all his talks on utube and his site.

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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21368443 - 03/05/15 09:49 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

greenery1 said:
The liberation comes from being completely in the moment, there is nothing but this awareness appearing, it is true freedom, nothing else could matter. I felt that I have no other purpose here now than to help others see what this is. Which sounds mighty pretentious from the perspective of the conditioned mind, but it makes perfect sense when it is realized.

It seems like the language function shuts down, it becomes a tiny part of this, and as I said, it no longer interferes. Sensory experience, and a very deep knowing, prevails.

Deep revelatory insight arises spontaneously, not in language, but as an inner knowing, a completed understanding. The 'great perfection' as they say in Dzogchen.

This is 'Rigpa', the experience of this knowing, finally you see that you are nothing but this light of clear knowing. And it seems that whatever it was I experienced on the 1st of Jan, it cut through whatever samsaric ties had previously been driving my life for the past 15-20 years.




It's all so wonderful of course, but try to remain aware that this is likely only the first part of liberation.  In the deepest reality I've experienced, there is no moment to be in - for who is there to reside in it?  Awareness neither appears nor disappears - for what can it appear from?  Where can it go?  The annoying part as always is that you can't actually help others see it.  They may think they see it while you're talking about it, but walk away and they lose it and revert.  What you do about that sort of determines whether you continue to accumulate attachment or shed it; but being aware of doing either is still to be bound by samsara.  It all remains very tricky, until it isn't anymore. :shrug:


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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: PrimalSoup]
    #21369548 - 03/06/15 07:14 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

The moment cannot be found, language fails in its usual sense because what this is cannot be said, nor can it be found! We are always looking at it, but where is it? :laugh:

Once you see what this is, in such a way that there is no longer doubt, then you do what you love and share that love in what ever way it manifests. I am a musician, so I teach music, that's how this knowing manifests itself in this life, so it makes sense to share it like that. Some people can go deep with this and I'm right there with them, others are on the surface, and I'm right there with them too. It doesn't matter, you work on what ever level appears. It's all good!

I love how everything is continually changing, its gone the instant you see it, where did it go, infinite difference, yet it never departs from itself. To see it as change within a space, in time, is it. To see it as an apparition, which continually vanishes, yet is always here, is it too. Endless weirdness.

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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21370687 - 03/06/15 12:35 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I agree it's beyond language.  Yet people like to discuss it. :lol:

From my perspective, you just go and manifest it in whatever you do.  The people that pick up on it, pick up on it. :thumbup:


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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: PrimalSoup]
    #21373147 - 03/07/15 01:52 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Spira describes this in an interesting way, as always it seems so obvious that you wonder why we never see it like this.

He says how all of life is a natural process of moving from a primordial oneness at birth through a natural evolution of developing the sense of separation, neti-neti, or the ego, to a 'post' egoic realization that we are not that too, and in so seeing, gradually re-integrate that awareness with the understanding that it is both/and, Brahman and Atman, not one or the other. The belief in a separate self is not wrong, it's just incomplete.

Up to this point, we have believed that our consciousness is 'in' the world, but realization consists of seeing that it is the world that is merged in awareness. He says, "that is usually where people get stuck, and spend the rest of their lives."

He ends by saying that in raising children, they must be allowed to discover this for themselves, in an environment of love and freedom. And of course with parents who have been through this process. Simple?


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OfflineJeff Vader
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21373244 - 03/07/15 03:56 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

greenery1 said:
He ends by saying that in raising children, they must be allowed to discover this for themselves, in an environment of love and freedom. And of course with parents who have been through this process. Simple?





Sounds a lot like this excert from Kahil Gibran's "The Prophet". this is the mantra my wife and I try and stay conscious of while raising our children.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.


--------------------



“With four hundred milligrams of moksha-medicine in their bloodstreams, even beginners
can catch a glimpse of the world as it looks to someone who has been liberated
from his bondage to the ego.”

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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: Jeff Vader]
    #21373338 - 03/07/15 05:33 AM (9 years, 2 months ago)

Beautiful!

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Offlinegreenery1
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Re: Seeing what 'this' is - low doses and non-duality [Re: greenery1]
    #21402794 - 03/13/15 03:49 PM (9 years, 2 months ago)

I haven't done LSD but is this not what folks normally see on trips? I find the shrooms to have a heavy body load, and I have this idea that LSD will be more of what I have described without the physical disfunction?

I did 7ml ground shroom dust this evening, I was already set up on cana-oil, but still had a lot of come up anxiety.

I found myself resisting the 'abduction' and once again found myself getting anxious and gravitating back to family issues, my mother, and I am really beginning to resent having to do this to myself in order to have some sort of revelatory experience about all this.

Do I need to just keep going into the pain of the emotions that come up? Crying, wailing, beating myself up, begging forgiveness? Is this just the emotional layer that needs to be passed through, or crossed like the river stix? Gotta go through to get to the other side, or is this just a recurring bad trip? I was alone in my room, generally a quiet day, but I needed to get out and go be around people later during the come down.

I felt quite insecure, needed comfort food, familiar things, wanted to talk to my mother, wanted to drop everything and go back home. I find this disconcerting, but maybe that's what needs to happen on a deeper level. Perhaps I am not happy where I am, seems like a cross roads, with some decisions to make about the future of my life and career. 

I think I need to do an even smaller dose, bigger doses would have sent me over the deep end, but with that level of anxiety from that amount, with similar recurring themes coming up again, is it just me, personal issues, unresolved anxiousness, or is it just the effects of the shrooms and that our body naturally resists and tries to fight against the 'abduction' phase of being taken over by the shroom? 

Thanks

Edited by greenery1 (03/14/15 12:55 PM)

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