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InvisibleJvF
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I don't feel anything anymore
    #21012828 - 12/22/14 03:57 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)


for years now I havent felt anything. My highs arent high and my lows arent low. If I smoke weed its not fun, its just a different perception of reality. This goes for any substance except psychedelics. When I drink I feel like I cant even get more than physically drunk. I see people getting obnoxious and rowdy amd there I am just sitting and getting crabby that I cant get drunk despite drinking what people would conisder a large amount.

I was broken up with my girlfriend of 4 years for one year and longed for her. It was a depression, no doubt, however during it, despite feeling bad, I wasnt actually feeling bad. Almost like I was perceiving my emotions from a third party viewer. We got back together(have been together for over a year now) and despite getting what I was longing for and having my depression end, I felt nothing. I wasnt depressed, but I wasnt happy either.

I ran into legal trouble and fwlt nothing when I was caught. There was no stomach drop or feeling of "shit im fucked," more of just a "meh" feeling.

Everything I do has this "meh" feeling, almost like im watching myself feel from a third party perspective. When I get hurt it hurts, but I dont feel pain. When I feel good its nice, but it seems like its over too quickly and like the happiness wasnt even there to begin with once it is.

Sex doesnt feel good, pain doesnt feel bad. Everything is meh. Theres no adrenaline rush to anything. The only time I actually feel good or bad is on shrooms. Ive been scared to do them for the past year because ive been shittier than I should be in life and dont want to be in hell for 3 hours while I trip.
Even still, that seems better than the monotony im stuck in.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have any suggestions as to where to go from here? Sorry for this shitty long post, its just been nagging me for a while so I thougut id ask the public about it.


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Edited by JvF (12/22/14 03:58 PM)

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Offlinenicechrisman
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21012870 - 12/22/14 04:07 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Mindfulness


--------------------
"Cosmic Love is absolutelely ruthless and highly indifferent:
it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not."

John C. Lily

 

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InvisibleJvF
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: nicechrisman]
    #21013002 - 12/22/14 04:38 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

nicechrisman said:
Mindfulness



So im experiencing mindfulness by experiencing my emotions subjectively? Or I need to become versed in the way of mindfulness?


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OfflineXena
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: nicechrisman]
    #21013009 - 12/22/14 04:42 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

mindfulness, go get a physical, blood work, see if you glands are all good.. unless you pretty much sure its not directly physical, but either way mindfulness, meditation ftw


--------------------
god bless

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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21013012 - 12/22/14 04:43 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Chances are you've just screwed up your dopamine circuits.

Do you take any meds?

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Offlinemista_dankhead
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21013020 - 12/22/14 04:45 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

The latter. Live moment by moment. Only live in the now. Love and appreciate now. Only focus on now. Be mindful of what yourdoing at all times. You can be mindfull even from third person, as you say most your feelings come from third party perspective

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OfflineEnvix
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: morrowasted]
    #21013032 - 12/22/14 04:47 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

i feel very similar OP. i don't understand how mindfulness helps, as mindfulness is usually meant to get you into this very state of "meh"...

yes, you're observing everything in reality as if it were not a part of you. as if it were all just happenings happening outside of you, and it really has nothing to do with you..

you are just a thought, an observer caught amidst a situation beyond your control. even your feelings are an illusion, also happening outside of yourself/beyond your control.

this is what mindfulness teaches, and IMO it's nothing useful. at best it's a way to numb the feelings, or better yet to realize that they don't really matter, and nothing really does


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b

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OfflineEnvix
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: morrowasted]
    #21013035 - 12/22/14 04:48 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

morrowasted said:
Chances are you've just screwed up your dopamine circuits.

Do you take any meds?



also this. lay off the weed, cuz it disables the brains ability to produce dopamine naturally. you no longer feel the rush of rewards from personal gratification because the brain becomes reliant on it from drugs


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b

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Offlinelivingindigo
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21013059 - 12/22/14 04:55 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Let me ask you this.

Is your existence a park that you can freely come and go to admire the gifts of nature?

Or is it a cage that is nothing more than sitting down in a box and putting chemicals in your body?

If you can learn to change your outlook on existence as a whole then with patience and meditation you can learn to change your outlook on all the little things as well.

Try this:

Sit down alone in the dark with as little background noise as possible. Light some incense. (nag champa is the shit)

Close your eyes and pretend you are climbing an infinite ladder. Try to imagine nothing else except for getting to the top of that ladder, even if the end seems impossibly far away.

Forget everything you know about everything... Nothing exists except you climbing this ladder.

And finally once you forget everything you've ever known, let go of the ladder and fall all the way back down to the ground where reality and all of it's gifts are waiting for you.

Hope this helps. Feel better man!


--------------------
Link to my SoundCloud.

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OfflineKrackatus


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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21013060 - 12/22/14 04:55 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Lots of people would probably say they feel similar to what you've described OP. Theres lots of things that can cause this 'biological apathy'. I've definatley had periods of feeling similar.

At a guess, if it's not as someones mentioned above drug abuse, then it could be because of having a very repetitive, monotonous lifestyle. Bad diet can cause it too.

You need to do something crazy man. Something you've never done before. Start there. That's my advice to you.


--------------------
"I thought I knew a lot about psychedelics before I encountered DMT... it showed me that I knew virtually nothing." - Terence McKenna

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OfflineEnvix
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Krackatus]
    #21013081 - 12/22/14 05:00 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

meditation is good for relaxing you, but be wary of mindfulness because it can cause you to feel more detached and have more existential feelings of pointlessness.

perhaps try meditating on something specific like if you really want/desire something. like focus all you attention/awareness into your desires to ground yourself in a set reality.

this way you won't be so aloof and feeling detached all the time. when you have a goal in mind, that sets you on a path for -something-

..albeit that path is also probably meaningless, but you can convince yourself it isn't


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b

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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Envix]
    #21013117 - 12/22/14 05:10 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

The important thing to keep in mind is that as long as your dopamine circuits are out of whack, you'll never be able to enjoy things the way you used to again. I mean, now that you're an adult, it's unreasonable to expect yourself to ever be as excitable as you were as a child. But adults do get excited about things, and sad about things, and generally have a spectrum of emotions in response to situations, and so long as your brain is functioning according to an addictive-feedback pattern, you'll never get that spectrum of emotions back. The sooner you break out of the addictive cycle, the more quickly the emotions will return. Certain medications, early in sobriety, can help- but do not fall into the trap of continuing to take them permanently.

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OfflineEnvix
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: morrowasted]
    #21013139 - 12/22/14 05:15 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

but mindfulness + buddhism teaches us to free ourselves from these emotional rollercoasters and to live as drones with 1 emotion our whole lives.

this is apparently the best way to live. free from desire & attachment. completely at peace with having nothing in the world except the present moment

this also means no drugs. which is good because once you give up drugs that's when you reallllly start to feel empty


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b

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OfflineXena
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Envix]
    #21013140 - 12/22/14 05:15 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Envix said:
i feel very similar OP. i don't understand how mindfulness helps, as mindfulness is usually meant to get you into this very state of "meh"...

yes, you're observing everything in reality as if it were not a part of you. as if it were all just happenings happening outside of you, and it really has nothing to do with you..





noo waaay.. yea youre observing everything, paying attention to all senses you should get the experience and insight everything is connected, youre directly in this reality with everything else, ego shrinks, distinctions between inner and outer reality disappear and just in general mind becomes less cloudy.. if you start to become too focused on whats real and not, like whats it all for, like overly philosophical and existential, probably thinking too much and not experiencing

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OfflineEnvix
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Xena]
    #21013147 - 12/22/14 05:17 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

well i guess if all you care about is doing your thing and are content with there being no purpose then sure it can be worth it.

when i realize there's no purpose to anything, it makes me want to crawl up in a blanket and go to sleep forever


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b

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InvisibleBreathlessVision
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21013197 - 12/22/14 05:26 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

When it comes to such a situation I think you have to look at what is happening to you. You yourself have come to a point that you have become apathetic to the chaos in life. A limbo situation in life where you feel like life is meaningless but you forget that this is your chance to grow, to give it meaning, to find meaning.

Misery is a chance to evolve as beings, it shows you what you are lacking.
Seek awareness. Look for good things and nourishing ideas. Try different things in life, express yourself, do what you love doing. Give time to yourself, even if it's little time try to give yourself new experiences and develop new interests.

You cannot have darkness without light. In the darkness we accumulate, the negativity and monotony, then we tend to fester emotions and negative ideas. I've personally found that once you wade through all the bullshit you'll find something incredible.

Everything I say of course is how I feel right now and an interpretation of what I've experienced and felt. I have felt it as well, deep in who I am. That apathetic melancholy filled a big part of who I was and still does to an extent because well life has it's chaotic moments. I feel like I'm in a limbo but I feel a light growing.

You cannot have darkness without light.

I hope I was helpful. I understand that the whole look within yourself thing has been passed around like a harlot at an orgy but it helps to know that is somewhat true.

Peace
:rose:


--------------------



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InvisibleJvF
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Envix]
    #21013256 - 12/22/14 05:36 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Well actually I probably have screwed up my brain chemistry with drugs now that I think of it. Between 17-19 (im 21 now) I used triple Cs in crazy amounts. I would trip almost every day on 16 pills (480 mgs dxm and a shitton of antihistamine) in the day and 32 later on that night. I kept that up for a good 4 months with several weeklong breaks inbetween. 
I would also binge on amphetamines(adderall-i had a crazy supply) for days on end. The adderall was when I was 17, though, and only lasted a couple months.

At 19 I used shrooms for the first time and felt legitimately bad for what I was doing. The drugs, besides shrooms, that I used felt dirty anc chemical. Like my brain was being hurt by them. I stopped after that completely. I only used shrooms 5 more times at 3.5 Gs each time. They always made me feel bad about my past choices and basically told me that I was an idiot for doing drugs? Even taking the shrooms themselves.

Nowadays a couple years later I smoke weed every night. About .2 Gs out of my pipe. I feel like that seems like a relatively small amount, however it could definitely be contributing to my apathy.

I have taken several tolerance breaks lasting about 3 months and during those months of non-use I felt more alien than ever. My behavior was more than questionable and as soon as I smoked again I realized I was being an asshole and moved back to being reasonable.


Maybe it is the weed and my use in the past. For some reason I thought that maybe it wasnt so much along the lines of  my brain chemistry, but after thinking of it in this light, it probably is


--------------------

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Offlinenicechrisman
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Envix]
    #21013260 - 12/22/14 05:37 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Envix said:
but mindfulness + buddhism teaches us to free ourselves from these emotional rollercoasters and to live as drones with 1 emotion our whole lives.

this is apparently the best way to live. free from desire & attachment. completely at peace with having nothing in the world except the present moment

this also means no drugs. which is good because once you give up drugs that's when you reallllly start to feel empty



Hmm. That's different from my understanding and experiences with mindfulness.


--------------------
"Cosmic Love is absolutelely ruthless and highly indifferent:
it teaches its lessons whether you like/dislike them or not."

John C. Lily

 

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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: Envix]
    #21013288 - 12/22/14 05:41 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Envix said:
but mindfulness + buddhism teaches us to free ourselves from these emotional rollercoasters and to live as drones with 1 emotion our whole lives.

this is apparently the best way to live. free from desire & attachment. completely at peace with having nothing in the world except the present moment

this also means no drugs. which is good because once you give up drugs that's when you reallllly start to feel empty



I think this is a misinterpretation of Buddhism/mindfulness. In mindfulness one is simply mindful of one's emotions as they surface. Pursuing a desire to be free from emotion is actually the opposite of Buddhist/Taoist philosophical practice. Emotional turbulence may diminish as practices like Right Concentration, Right Mindfulness, Right Intentions, and Right View begin to transform one's inner machinations, but I having emotions is the raw material of progression, even if that progression is only cyclical.

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Offlinemorrowasted
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Re: I don't feel anything anymore [Re: JvF]
    #21013337 - 12/22/14 05:48 PM (9 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

jfischer218 said:
Well actually I probably have screwed up my brain chemistry with drugs now that I think of it. Between 17-19 (im 21 now) I used triple Cs in crazy amounts. I would trip almost every day on 16 pills (480 mgs dxm and a shitton of antihistamine) in the day and 32 later on that night. I kept that up for a good 4 months with several weeklong breaks inbetween. 
I would also binge on amphetamines(adderall-i had a crazy supply) for days on end. The adderall was when I was 17, though, and only lasted a couple months.

At 19 I used shrooms for the first time and felt legitimately bad for what I was doing. The drugs, besides shrooms, that I used felt dirty anc chemical. Like my brain was being hurt by them. I stopped after that completely. I only used shrooms 5 more times at 3.5 Gs each time. They always made me feel bad about my past choices and basically told me that I was an idiot for doing drugs? Even taking the shrooms themselves.

Nowadays a couple years later I smoke weed every night. About .2 Gs out of my pipe. I feel like that seems like a relatively small amount, however it could definitely be contributing to my apathy.

I have taken several tolerance breaks lasting about 3 months and during those months of non-use I felt more alien than ever. My behavior was more than questionable and as soon as I smoked again I realized I was being an asshole and moved back to being reasonable.


Maybe it is the weed and my use in the past. For some reason I thought that maybe it wasnt so much along the lines of  my brain chemistry, but after thinking of it in this light, it probably is



Ah yes, I used to take the same formula- Cough & Cold HBP. I did those for months on end on multiple occasions. I also binged on amphetamines. I also smoked synthetic marijuana in insane amounts for years (after many more years of real marijuana use). I was fortunate to have been a little older than you when I did my binging, but I believe you can still recover. The good news is that there is hope. The bad news is that for a person with your history, it means you are going to have to quit playing chemistry set with your brain for a very long time. Weed does a lot more damage to your dopamine circuits than most people realize, and all that other stuff compounds the damage. Shrooms don't damage your brain in the way that addictive drugs that affect your dopamine circuits (DXM included) do, but they aren't likely to be all that beneficial either. Have you ever considered looking for a 12 step program? Do you live in a big city?

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