Friday night into this morning was truly a nightmare. I'm not gonna sit here and type up a novel like I did with those other threads, so I'll make this as brief as possible.
I made a complete ass of myself last night, I was so drugged up, and although this is a drug forum, my attitude, my persona, my very character was NOTHING to be proud of. I know for sure I lost some respect from those who may have respected me before.
Look, you guys probably have better shit to do than give two fucks about my relapse, or my apology, but there's a few people I want to acknowledge.
Redwood - Need I comment? My habit scares you, and it's because you care about me, and I truly apologize for my weakness in resorting to drugs, you know I'm always here for you.
Doobie Dude - Fuckin' guy called me several times throughout the night, as late as 4 or 5 in the morning to make sure I was okay, hell, to make sure I wasn't fucking dead. We're friends in real life, but dude, thank you for being there and showing you give a fuck.
Pris - You told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear, I like that and it really made me rethink and reevaluate my choices in life, thank you man. You are really a better dude than most give you credit for, and if people saw the advice you gave me, maybe those who dislike you would give you a little more respect, I know I have a lot more for you now.
XLCaps - A good Shroomery buddy of mine, usually known to be quite sarcastic, but not last night, he expressed a true concern for me and little things like that during my guilt filled, psychotic episode cocaine relapse REALLY helped. I may not have responded to all your posts, but they were ALL acknowledged and much appreciated.
yogabunny - We spoke more though PM, but you had a very similar situation to mine, SCARILY similar actually, and you really helped me feel human again. I DID fuck up, but you took the time to help me realize I just made a mistake and it doesn't make me a shitty person or a failure, it was a bad decision that resulted in even worse results. Your words meant a lot, thank you.
To be honest, I thank the whole Shroomery in general just for existing. It's amazing how some of the people you think hate you, are actually there for you when they really see you needed help, I don't know, it was comforting.
Look, I'm not dumb, most of you couldn't give two fucks about my apology, my thanks, my addictions, my relapse, and I totally understand, you have better shit to do than to waste effort on some drug addicts problems, but still, for myself, I had to make this thread.
I have relapsed many times over the years, but for some reason this one really impacted me the most, because honestly, I have not been that fucked up in a long time, and it is NOT something I'm proud of and it is definitely the furthest thing from "cool", even on a drug forum.
I did make an ass of myself, and I'm sure many of you will remember that and likely see me differently, hell, I see MYSELF differently after that, but I guess the lesson I took from it is this.
Don't relapse, there's a reason I stayed away from cocaine, it's because I go too far. I mean, most people do, it's one of those "never satisfied" drugs, so of course most of us know what it's like, but I'm clearly too destructive with it and I really became somebody I'm ashamed of. I think the reason this was the worst relapse for me, is because now I actually found a girl who gives a fuck about me, and I think the guilt was 10 times as intense because I had to man up and realize it isn't all about me anymore.
I used to get fucked up with no concern because there was nobody's feelings to worry about, but this time I was so foolish. I found somebody that means the world to me, literally, she's my everything, and I guess I was so used to using drugs with no regard for others because, well, I had nobody to care about, and no one really gave a shit how dangerously high I was, I used to be reckless because I figured "ehh, who's concerned anyway?". Now that I have somebody who means so much to me, and I mean so much to her, the drug itself became a completely different high, and my guilt mentality just multiplied by 1000000. If anything hurt the most, it was knowing that she was left wondering if I'm okay, and it just made me lose it.
I know, nobody gives a shit, I don't expect anyone to, I made this post because I felt I had to, that's all. It just comforts ME.
What I'm really trying to say, is for those of you involved in those threads I made who saw me in a near psychotic state, I apologize and I beg that you can look past that and try not to hold that against me, I don't know what happened, but I absolutely blacked out and don't remember much of anything. I remember some things, but when I looked back at some of the shit I said, I wasn't only embarrassed, but just... ashamed.
So, I'm asking if any of you can look past that and realize that it was just an intense drug fueled psychotic episode, that I am completely ashamed of and try not to see me in a different way because of it. I'm not a stupid person, but damn, I make very stupid decisions regarding my health and with drugs I tend to disregard the feelings of those who care about me. On one hand, I'm glad this happened, because the person I became under the influence, is somebody I NEVER want to be again.
Once again, for most of you this is meaningless and isn't your problem, I understand, I just had to make this thread for my own comfort. Thank you.
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Thanks guys for all the support, it means so much! I finally caught up on some sleep and I'm feeling much better. I really can't thank you guys enough.
Quote:
Rorge said: You got a girl now? amiright?
This is essentially all masturbation on your part, edifying your current persona of druggie fuckup with a girl. Get a fucking grip.
Well your post is crap and you have no clue what you're talking about.
Get a grip? Uhh, you don't think I've figured that out by now? In case you haven't noticed, you were the only one here who attempted to be boring and edgy. You know NOTHING about me, my girlfriend and my addictions. Also, yeah I fucked up by relapsing, but you CAN'T call me a fuck up, because that I am not. Did I fuck up this weekend? No doubt about it. Am I a fuck up in life? Hell no. What's so great about you that you feel you have the right, on a DRUG FORUM to sit there and act as though you're ever so wise and know my motives? You're not a psychologist, and if you were, I'd say fuck you, and certainly wouldn't choose you as mine, because clearly you'd suck at your job.
I am NOT attempting moralize, or "edify" my drug addition with a girl, where the fuck did you get that idea? I haven't felt this genuinely guilty in a long fucking time, if ever, and you really think I'm using that as a way to justify it? Then honestly, you've got issues of your own you need to do deal with because clearly you're projecting your own insecurities onto me.
I sincerely believe you have no idea what the hell you're talking about, but just felt the need to be a dick. Get a fucking grip.
EDIT: Eh, sorry man, I don't mean to get all short with you or anything, I got defensive and am still feeling very hazy and mentally exhausted. I just got that way because of how you described me being with my girl, it isn't true.
It isn't always a matter of "If you relapse, you don't love her", even if she gave me an ultimatum, "me or the drugs", and I relapsed a few months from now, that wouldn't mean I don't love her. My girl is NOT the type who would pin me up against a wall like that though, she really is great. She WANTS SO BAD for me to stop the hard drugs forever, but she wouldn't leave me over a relapse. If I became a constant user, that's a different story and she'd have every right. I just hate that mentality, especially because trust me, the girl KNOWS I love her. Besides, it's not like I relapse thinking "Oh, she'll get over it", not at all, I sit there wallowing in guilt and misery over what I should do, and sometimes I'm just too damn weak.
It's just upsetting because I didn't disregard her feelings when I relapsed, the guilt ate at my soul, but I was weak and gave in.
Edited by Peace of Mind 1 (12/07/14 07:44 AM)
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