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 orizon
shroomin bliss
Registered: 08/22/03
Posts: 876
Last seen: 19 years, 1 month
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 Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss 
#2080461 - 11/07/03 09:30 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Anyways to start...I am overall depressed from a number of continuous hits which have occured over the past year. I've lost 3 friends...my dad....and most of all my fiance 5 months ago (all in the period of 2 months). I mentioned this before but ever since then, earth has been a differnet place for me. Friends and family are trying to help me out but I just feel nothing could help me at any moment despite the vacations and soul searches my mom has taken me on. I am a beleiver in god and according to the bible, if you commit suicide then hell is where you go....and that thought is the only thing that is not stopping me from pulling the trigger since my baby is in heaven and in hell I will not be able to see her again. I have turned too various methods to try and pull my life together...reading, writing poerty-music and durgs which has put a twist on everything. Sleeping is the highlight of my day and I wish I could never wake up---I dream from sleep and drugs and fabricate this world in my mind where I am in love again and am on top of the world as I was a year ago. Sometimes I think I will either end up in a mental hospital or god will do me a favor and kill me while sleeping---but then again my mom would be devistated from that. I go to the movies by myself becuase my fiance was the only one I really enjoyed doing anything with and looking at that empty folded up chair next to me brings back memories. I have many close friends that leave messages on my phone but I dont respond and say I dont get them when they stop by..I kind of just hide in this little world I am trying to create. I am debating whether or not the music I am trying to make will ever make it out of my head or if its good eneouph to the ears of other people. I feel it all swirling around but when it comes time to write it down...I just go blank. I have an excellent mother who is trying to guide me and making sure Im ok but being in college, she has little influence right now. The bed where me and my fiance have been sleeping in for 2 years is darker and just a depressing slumber I crawl into every night. I have been engaiging in Ketamine and psychadelic experimentation alot with random girls from around town who really enjoy comforting me and creating artwork by my side. We like going to parks/nature/beach or just lay in my room and write melodies on my keyboard and talk-write and hug. Im not sure if they really like my music or have other intentions though. For some reason I connect with girls alot easier then I do with guys...Aloto of my guy friends sound so grotesque when they degrade the beauty of a woman. Im sure when they experience love, they will understand, A high school friend invited me to Homecoming back home in which I attended and I dont remember much about it but lots of drugs were involved and I somehow ended up with almost 6000 dollars by the end of weekend and naked in the bed with my date---which im not happy about. ( I did and sold alot of durgs that night---this is a different story and rather an interesting one I will probally nake another thread of) There are events that I almost remember which Im not sure were dreams or somethin that happened when I was fucked up. Basically I just turned 21 and I want to pull my shit together. School is a real bitch but most off all I need musical inspiration. I am going to be a musician or die trying. I feel like I have a late start becasue everyone else who has ever succeeded in music was on stage since elementary school and I just started a few years ago. Anybody on the same track that can relate? What are you guys doing to help you out? I know this post is kinda scattered around but Im just throwin out ideas so sorry bout that. I want to know if anybody else has gone threw this.
Peace, Orizon
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sykobish 
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 19 years, 1 month
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Re: Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss [Re: orizon]
#2081465 - 11/07/03 03:38 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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I wish i could be there for you. I've lost people that i care about but have never experienced a loss like what you have mentioned. Recently i have had alot of friends turn on me, and although that isn't quite the same as losing them to death, it hurts none the less. Do you have any of your music that you've made on your computer? I'd love to hear it sometime if you don't mind.
You've gone thru alot in such a short time. You need time to mourn. Take it at whatever pace you are comfortable with. I'm really sorry to hear about what you have had to endure but time heals everything. It may not heal the pain you are feeling completely, but in time it will make things easier to deal with and face. Try not to serigate yourself too much because getting caught in that routine can make it very difficult later to pull out of. I haven't talked to you before but i got a good feeling from you by a previous post you made to lift up my spirits. You are more then welcome to msg me sometime on msn if you ever want to talk to someone. Or if you just have nothing else to do. I wish i could take away the pain you are feeling if it would make life easier for you but unfortuntately in this day and age, that's impossible.  Keep your head up and show life that it's gonna take a hell of a lot more to make you crack. I wish you the best thru your hard time. I know i haven't given much in the catagory of help or support, but i just wanted you to know that i'm out here if you need anyone at anytime. Don't hesitate to msg me. If you just want someone to vent to and listen to you rant and rave, feel free to call on me. I know we all have our times when we need to just let it out. Smile. Even if you have nothing to smile for at the time..
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I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-
*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy
Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,680
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 9 hours, 20 minutes
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Re: Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss [Re: orizon]
#2084334 - 11/08/03 02:58 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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just a little while ago i had to deal with my granmother dying, which was very hard for me cuz not only were we very close, but it was the first time i ever experienced a loss like that....plus to make matters worse, she was on hospice care for her last remaining days at our home, and she died while i was sitting next to her bed talking to her, hoping she could hear me....i watched her die  that was tough...then, about 3 weeks later my cousin gets in a car accident...i was very close to him too...plus theres alot of "weird" things involved with this that we just cant explain...so my family and i have a lot of closure issues yet to be dealt with in his death...
after reading your post, it reminded me of a post i made a while back regarding my situation above....i too felt like just crawling in a hole somewhere, and forget about the rest of the world....sleep was my only relief, but even then sometimes my dreams would get away from me and turn into some really scary, very intence fucked up shit i really dont want to talk about
but, life does go on....my suggestion is to start returning your friends calls, try to crawl back out from this fantasy world you have created, because all you are doing is supressing shit that needs to be dealt with...and sooner or later, you wont have any choice but to confront them. the mourning process is very tricky and complex, im still trying to figure it out...but i think the one thing that is key into moving on is realizing it is out of your control...i remember thinking well what if i would have done/said this, what if i was there more often for her, what if i talked to my cousin more often, what if, what if, what if.....this really sent me down a very long and depressing spiral...keep your head up.
as for the drugs thing, it can be usefull if you are doing it for the right reasons....if you are just using as an excape, then i suggest maybe lay off of them for a while so you can do some thinking...however, in my personal experiences, i find a nice dose of mushrooms have helped me step back and look how i am really acting.... these trips were no fun at the time, and most people would probably consider them bad trips....but they helped me see what i needed to see, even though it wasnt something i was looking for....
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how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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eve69
--=..Did Adam and ...?=--
Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 3,910
Loc: isle de la muerte 
Last seen: 3 months, 9 days
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 Re: Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss [Re: wrestler_az]
#2085115 - 11/08/03 08:06 PM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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My father died when I was 8. I shouted at the ceiling, "I hate you God." Over and over. I remember my grandmother saying, "Don't say that!" I didn't care because I meant it. As a little boy my dad meant everything to me since all the rest of my family were women. I really disconnected after that and it took me 20 years to get out of the rut of self destruction and depression. He was 48. I have always had this idea of a limiting demarcation around my life, like I would die young too. I have always lived for the day and been scared of making roots. This has fucked me regarding job, family and health. I have had to head face on into the abyss of my own character and stare at my worst fears. Eventually I got married and am now contemplating family of my own. I decided to live and discipline myself to stay healthy for my proposed family's sake. I suggest that you also decide to live, and someday soon, you'll also find something greater than yourself which will give you the place that you recently lost. Also, if it all fell apart so easily then it really wasn't something you could call your own. Just consider this huge loss and tribulation a clearing out of what isn't really yours somehow, and let the room stay empty for awhile as you this time test new things out on your real raw self. Best Wishes
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...or something
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orizon
shroomin bliss
Registered: 08/22/03
Posts: 876
Last seen: 19 years, 1 month
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Re: Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss [Re: eve69]
#2085759 - 11/09/03 01:33 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Me and my father were very close....but I was so happy I was in love with my fiance and her guidance is what got me to accept my fathers death. So you can understand how painful it is when the love of your life is just torn from you at the moment when you are the deepest in love. My fiance is 20 times harder to accept just because it is not supposed to happen...its not the circle of life. We were supposed to grow old together and have a family and travel the world. We have a journal full of stuff that we wanted to do in out lifetime and only the first few adventures are crossed out. My fiance was in acoma a week before she finally passed away. I played her music and talked to her the whole week hoping to bring her out of it..but she was under the water for too long and there was no hope. I am thankful that she was as happy as can be when she died. She told me that the passed years have been the best of her life and she was so happy she found me (her best friend's tell me this too which makes me feel better I was able to give her joy). Some days are easier than others but none have been as good since the last day we spent together at that picnic in the park planning our future. I would wait 100 lifetimes to feel that kind of love again and people tell me someday I will....but I know it will never be the same, and I want it to be the same. And skyobish...I will Pm you shorly bout the music and everything...I like your character and would love to stay in contact with you over the net. Anybody else is free to contact me if they wish if they need help with something..I kinda feel like I've been through it all. A bomb can explode nect door and I wouldnt feel it.....Im still so numb.
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 ZippoZ
Knomadic
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
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Re: Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss [Re: orizon]
#2085929 - 11/09/03 03:38 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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You have just described a few of the years in my life that i would like to forget. the years when nothing matters, and you pray to god that you will never wake from your sleep.
i cant say what changed things for me, or how, but they did.
today i am in a much better place and i have found my wonderful perspective on life that i thought i had lost so long ago.
in order to feel true joy o=in our lives we have to accept that fact that we may have the complete oposite, which is what you are feeling now. All i can Promise you is that everything will balance itself out if you just give it time, and a little nudge in the right direction.
THINGs WILL GET BETTER
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PEACE
 zippoz
"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"
"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."
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sykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 19 years, 1 month
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Re: Little story of a lost puppy. Death-Girls-Drugs-music-abyss [Re: orizon]
#2086161 - 11/09/03 08:20 AM (20 years, 5 months ago) |
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Great!  I'm looking forward to hearing your music. I'm very empathetic, as i've stated many times. I know this is just text and the chances of us actually meeting and getting to know each other as people are very slim. But i really feel for you from the bottom of my heart. I've never been thru what you have been and i know how much i hate it when someone says 'i know how you feel' cuz they can't possibly know how you feel inside, how you react to different hardships, etc. I dont know how you feel but i can get a pretty good idea of the pain you must be going thru just by reading your text. Life is unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen. Sometimes its great.. and sometimes it feels like it can't get any worse. I wish i could take even a fraction of that pain away from you so that maybe you wouldn't have the whole burden to carry by yourself. About finding a love like you had before, you may.. and you may not. You never know. All you can do is hold dear to your heart the fond memories you shared together. It's very possible that you wont experience that kind of love with another person.. but there is always a chance you may experience a new kind of love. A new beginning, that will be just as fullfilling as your last. Just in different ways perhaps. I know that she wouldn't want you to feel the way you are. She would want you to be happy and continue on in your life. Live your life to the fullest. She would hate to see you in the downward spiral that you seem to be in. One of my favourite movies is "What dreams may come" with Robin Williams. It's an incredibly sad movie with an incredibly happy ending. What you are going thru is completely normal. And the pain will fade. But you will get thru this and if she is capable of looking down on you and seeing that you have moved on and still keep her close to your heart, that is probably the best feeling you can give her.. Mourn as you should for her loss but when the time comes to pick yourself up and move on, do it. Make her proud. Any time you need to talk, don't hesitate to PM me. Even if it's just to have someone to listen and for you to get your feelings, your anger over your loss out, i'm here for you.
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I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-
*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space
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