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Registered: 12/27/99
Posts: 5,941
Loc: vermont
Heading straight down
    #2084163 - 11/08/03 04:01 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm lonely. I know what I want but I am almost positive I can't handle it.

I'm a "fucking loser" according to my mom. She found 10 empty packs of cigarettes stashed in my car and gave me this huge guilt trip.

She also found a mushroom book.

I hate school. I was never a hater of school... i LOVED high school and loved my first year in a community college. Now i'm in this school with the most obnoxious and stuck up people i have ever met in my entire life. i'm over worked with 20 credits (6 courses and 1 online course). i hate this school - i have no motivation in this school. last year in my other college i pulled out with a 3.75 GPA... i can't even imagine how badly this semester is going to affect it.

i'm a fucking loser. that's all. as many times as i can say i'm strong and intelligent - it's crap. i'm weak. if it was easy - i'd fucking kill myself. the method is easy but the aftermath isn't. i could be risking eternal hell - or i could just become a ball of energy that powers your fridge for a few seconds.

Fuck Ted Nugent he?s a fucking jerk
I wish that he?d be gone
Chauvanistic republican
Kills animals cause he
Forgot how to write a song

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the cool fool
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Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 27,389
Loc: USA
Re: Heading straight down [Re: Delyrium]
    #2084238 - 11/08/03 04:26 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

first of all don't kill yourself...your mom is probably just calling you a loser, because the fact that your smoking scares her..she doesnt want you to end up wtih lung cancer (my mom said the same shit when i smoked). school sucks, i know first hand... not cool you have to goto a college you dont like though, theres always the opportunity to transfer somewhere. basically everyone goes through some rough shit. you just have to believe its gonna get better. i met ya, u seemed like an intelligent attractive female, im sure everything will work out for ya :wink:

Long as I remember The rain been coming down.
Clouds of myst'ry pouring Confusion on the ground.
Good men through the ages, Trying to find the sun;
And I wonder, Still I wonder, Who'll stop the rain.


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Registered: 07/10/03
Posts: 1,479
Loc: Washington
Re: Heading straight down [Re: KingOftheThing]
    #2084286 - 11/08/03 04:41 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Exactly, if you feel that if school is not helping you in any way of feeling better, I would transfer. Nobody is forcing you to stay in the hell hole. Also pretty much any parent that is anti-drug or tobacco will try to make you feel bad about your usage and try to get you to stop some how. Though I do not agree with smoking tobacco, when I say this im not trying to force you to quit either. But Imagine how much money you would save if you didn't buy cigarets. A few years of not buying will end up with a good amount of cash that you can spend on something productive or something you enjoy. I hope you feel better soon.

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--=..Did Adam and ...?=--
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Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 3,871
Loc: isle de la muerte Flag
Last seen: 9 months, 9 days
Re: Heading straight down [Re: Osker246]
    #2085140 - 11/08/03 10:13 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Parents suck. One can only appreciate them when they get older. I got sick and tired always not being understood by my mother. I used to yell at her till I was blue. I was a punk rocker in Hollywood at the end of the seventies. I hated everyone and everything. It took me years and years to just learn to let go and live. That's not to say that I never had fun. Butg fun always just seemed so shallow. I had to leave LA, and all my then friends, and follow my dreams as peculiar as they were. Consider moving. Get some student loans and go to college somewhere out of state. Keep smoking until you decide to quit. Fuck everyone else. Be selfish for awhile and learn who you are. You're a bit too sensitivce about what your mother says. that shows that you're too close to her. Go West, Young Man/Break bread in the new land. My life is over, but yours is just beginning - TheCult '87'

...or something

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puter dork
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/06/99
Posts: 1,090
Loc: MA
Re: Heading straight down [Re: Delyrium]
    #2085597 - 11/09/03 01:35 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Oh shit....
babe, id call you if it wasnt after 1:30 in the morning already

Damn... If i could make all these things go away... you know i would, but it sounds like things are bigger then I could fix, and im willing to bet you wouldnt let me fix em anyway.  :tongue:  at least your parents didnt find your mushroom book when you FIRST started coming here... my rents caught me growing at 16... it was bad news for sure.

Aw! I wana make you come chill and hang out n eat chinese food and watch scary movies with me.... i hope it would make you feel at least a little better. Your not a fucking looser... you are cool as hell, i know this for a FACT.

If you know what you want, but you are "almost positive..." go for broke... find out if you can or not... explore your limits, and enjoy them too. We talked about this... live in the NOW. Wish i could be there for ya now tho... but im making it down to NYC in about a week and a half... Ill fo shizzle make you come hang out with me then.

You are cool... get over it, you cant help who you are :smile:   


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ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 13 years, 16 days
Re: Heading straight down [Re: Delyrium]
    #2086116 - 11/09/03 08:57 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I know how it feels when your parents demean you like that.  Try to put you down.  I draw alot.  I do portraits and landscapes and such.  I paint as well.  I remember when i was living with my dad.. The first time i tried to do a portrait, it didn't turn out very well.  I had never done anything like that before.  What my dad said to me about it, stuck with me for life.  That could very well be the reason why i never think any of my work is good, or acceptable to my standards of my own artwork.  He told me that i 'shouldn't even try cuz i can't do it.'  That really hurt.  Parents are supposta be supportive.  I do believe he tried to give me some constructive criticism to get me to try harder at it.. but i took it entirely the wrong way.  Same thing goes for your mom.  She's only trying to help.  Just going about it the wrong way.  It's as tho parents forget what it's like to be young.  She's only trying to watch out for you.  I'm not saying what she's doing is right, but you can tell that she does care about you.  She doesn't want her 'little girl' to make the mistakes she did, so she tries to be the 'ruling' being in the situation. "Mother knows best" type of thing.  Try not to take it the way she says it.  She doesn't want to make you feel so bad.  She just doesn't know how else to get her point across.

i'm a fucking loser. that's all. as many times as i can say i'm strong and intelligent - it's crap. i'm weak. if it was easy - i'd fucking kill myself.

Girl, you dont know how many times that same thought has crossed thru my head.  Too many times.  And it still does.  Everyone is their own worst critic.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  I know we don't really talk, but i can tell that you have alot of persistance and alot of 'life' in you.  Take that strength from within n say 'Fuck this.  I'm a good person.  I can fucking do this!'  Prove your negative thoughts wrong!  Keep your head up.  Use your own personal criticism for your own benefit.  Take it one step at a time.  If you feel you can't do something, or if you tell yourself you can't do something, DO IT!  Get out there and try your damnedest(sp? weird word.. heh).  Go that extra mile.  Motivate yourself to get it done.  Just so you can know you CAN do it!  School does suck.. in some aspects.  But i wish i knew then, what i know now about school, when i had the chance.  I'm going back to school now after being out for 10 years.  I'm in the proper mindframe now to get out there and get my shit done.  I realize what school and learning is all about.  It's not only to help you get a job or career.  People get jobs and such without having certificates.  That's true.  But the whole school experience is not only to get a job.. it's about growing.  Expanding your mind.  Learning.  Becoming a stronger person.  It's not only about learning about .. WWII .. or about.. Mythology.. or different ways to apply things.. It's about life.  It's about the undertones that school teaches you.  It teaches you how to apply yourself and become human.

There is alot more i would like to say on this matter but i just got back from the club and i'm pretty tired.  I'll write more later after i wake up if you'd like to hear it.

I hope you are having a good Sunday morning. :heart: 

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space

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Registered: 10/23/00
Posts: 3,710
Re: Heading straight down [Re: Delyrium]
    #2087651 - 11/09/03 11:44 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

If its any consolation, the world is 90% losers, but the other 10% are jackasses. A loser can have a run of good luck, but nothing ever redeems a jackass.

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