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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
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I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them
#20298720 - 07/19/14 10:57 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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This is something that has happened to me ever since I was 18 or 19. Recently I've been doing the online dating thing, but as soon as I have sex with the guy for the very first time, I completely lose interest in him and throw him away and move on to the next guy.
I feel like I'm getting way too old for me to be still being like this. I am genuinely looking for a steady relationship and someone to settle down right and truly love right now, yet I can't seem to stop losing interest after sex. Even when the sex is really good and I orgasm tons, I still lose interest. Whether the sex is good or bad doesn't matter.
It's almost like after I have sex with him for the very first time, I start noticing all of his flaws and imperfections, and it totally turns me off from him. Almost like it makes me realize I could land somebody way better than him.
Then, months later, I look back and realize what a mistake I made, because all the guys I dated always treated me so well. They were so caring and sweet and always treated me like their queen. I mean, so what if he was a couple extra pounds overweight, so what if he wasn't a doctor or a hedge fund manager?
Edited by Crystal G (07/19/14 11:36 PM)
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G] 6
#20298866 - 07/19/14 11:33 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Maybe there's something to the whole marriage before sex thing.
Maybe so much casual sex has made it a cheap commodity to you instead of a special, truly intimate and meaningful experience with a spouse.
Yeah.
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: JesusIsLord]
#20298889 - 07/19/14 11:39 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
JesusIsLord said: Maybe there's something to the whole marriage before sex thing.
Maybe so much casual sex has made it a cheap commodity to you instead of a special, truly intimate and meaningful experience with a spouse.
Yeah. 
It's not just that. I think a huge part of it stems from family pressures. I look back and realize how many good catches I've dumped right after sex, because I am always striving for perfection. If he doesn't have a 6-figure income and his face and body isn't chiseled to perfection, I always lose interest after the first time we have sex.
I realize none of that stuff matters, what really matters is how he treats you. And that's really what I truly want.
Yet I feel like my parents have brainwashed me and pushed me into only going for extravagantly wealthy and handsome men. They are very traditional, and in Asia, if a man doesn't make at least a quarter million per year, he is considered trash basically. I desperately want my parents to be happy with who I date or marry, and I know they will think lowly of me and insult my partner if he is a poor guy who makes less than $100K per year.
I once had a slightly chubby boyfriend who came from a blue-collar family, and they constantly talked trash about blue-collar people and made snide remarks about how what a fatass American he was whenever we both came to visit them. When we broke up, my mom was relieved, because she said I was too good for him, and we didn't even look remotely good together.
My mom constantly talks trash about blue-collar guys, about military guys, and about anybody who doesn't have a master's or a PhD. Personality doesn't matter to her. I feel like unless he is rich and well-educated and at least decently attractive, my parents will never be happy.
Is this why I lose interest after sex for the first time? I mean, how do I handle the pressures of my family while wanting to be happy with my love life at the same time? I want them to accept my partner because I don't want there to be volatile family situations and fighting all the time if we were to ever get married.
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JesusIsLord
Jesus freak


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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G] 3
#20298907 - 07/19/14 11:44 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said:
Quote:
JesusIsLord said: Maybe there's something to the whole marriage before sex thing.
Maybe so much casual sex has made it a cheap commodity to you instead of a special, truly intimate and meaningful experience with a spouse.
Yeah. 
It's not just that. I think a huge part of it stems from family pressures. I look back and realize how many good catches I've dumped right after sex, because I am always striving for perfection. If he doesn't have a 6-figure income and his face and body isn't chiseled to perfection, I always lose interest after the first time we have sex.
I realize none of that stuff matters, what really matters is how he treats you. And that's really what I truly want.
Yet I feel like my parents have brainwashed me and pushed me into only going for extravagantly wealthy and handsome men. They are very traditional, and in Asia, if a man doesn't make at least a quarter million per year, he is considered trash basically. I desperately want my parents to be happy with who I date or marry, and I know they will think lowly of me and insult my partner if he is a poor guy who makes less than $100K per year.
I once had a slightly chubby boyfriend who came from a blue-collar family, and they constantly talked trash about blue-collar people and made snide remarks about how what a fatass American he was whenever we both came to visit them. My mom constantly talked about how I was too good for him, and we didn't even look remotely good together.
My mom constantly talks trash about blue-collar guys, about military guys, and about anybody who doesn't have a master's or a PhD. Personality doesn't matter to her. I feel like unless he is rich and at least decently attractive, my parents will never be happy.
Is this why I lose interest after sex for the first time? I mean, how do I handle the pressures of my family while wanting to be happy with my love life at the same time? I want them to accept my partner because I don't want there to be volatile family situations and fighting all the time if we were to ever get married.
You're an adult, set your parents straight - respectfully, of course.. And furthermore, you are definitely old enough to be responsible for your own thinking, and if you blame this problem on "brainwashing" from your parents, I'd say you are just making excuses for your own harsh judgments of these guys.
Look in the mirror. Are you perfect? No. So why are you holding guys up to impossible standards?
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And I will bring you out from the people, and will gather you out of the countries wherein ye are scattered, with a mighty hand, and with a stretched out arm, and with fury poured out.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: JesusIsLord]
#20298930 - 07/19/14 11:51 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
JesusIsLord said: You're an adult, set your parents straight - respectfully, of course.. And furthermore, you are definitely old enough to be responsible for your own thinking, and if you blame this problem on "brainwashing" from your parents, I'd say you are just making excuses for your own harsh judgments of these guys.
Look in the mirror. Are you perfect? No. So why are you holding guys up to impossible standards?
Well, sometimes I talk on the phone to my mom about what kind of guys I'm planning to meet. The first thing she'll say is if he's a blue-collar guy is, "Oh, no, he's a blue-collar guy, no he's going to be stupid and it's such a dirty job. Only stupid uneducated people do jobs like that. Don't even consider somebody like that."
It just reminds me too much of how they treated my slightly chubby and blue-collar ex, and I really don't want to go through that again. I guess "brainwash" was the wrong word, but the way my mom is so judgmental and looks down on others is so nasty and condescending, and to be honest it DOES affect my decision-making.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm not that stunningly gorgeous, though I make decent money I'm not in the millionaire's club myself or anything like that. Like, my parents wouldn't EVER accept anybody who is tattooed from head to toe and has full sleeves, even though I'm tattooed myself. The only way they would accept a tattooed guy is if he was rich and smart and educated).
I don't know why, but I just badly want my parents to be proud of me, and I want them to be proud of the partner that I choose. I have no idea why I feel this way.
Edited by Crystal G (07/20/14 02:08 AM)
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Lynnch
Strangerer



Registered: 04/29/09
Posts: 7,893
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G]
#20299007 - 07/20/14 12:22 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think it's the major flaw of online dating. It cheapens human interaction. It's one thing when you've spent months searching for the right person, and you finally meet one. It's different when you've been chatting with tens of individuals and know in the back of your mind that there's another thousand potentials just waiting on the other side of a screen. We downplay the connection, and magnify the flaws; shrug off whatever time we spend as simply checking out another part of a profile. People in real life are weird and awkward and difficult. People's pages are as interesting as our fantasies allow. It's a blessing and curse, it's too easy.
I've been forcing myself to not use online dating services, because I really tend to hate my experiences with them. However, I'm starting to wonder if the reason I haven't met anyone irl lately is because the only way people meet any more is with tinder.
I don't think having sex with these guys is necessarily making you lose interest in them. It's just that once you have sex with someone, you ask yourself if you're going to have sex with them again, which of course leads you to consider whether or not you want to maintain a relationship with them, and on and on.
It sucks to have high standards, it makes for a lonely life. But the flipside- long unhappy relationships with people you're uninterested in that drag on until you end things suck too. It's the question I've been asking over and over again: Is life too short to spend with an imperfect partner? Or is life too short to wait around for some perfect partner that doesn't exist? What do you really want out of a partner and a relationship?
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FishOilTheKid
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G]
#20299013 - 07/20/14 12:25 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Because they have high standards for you it seems which they view in a materialistic manner that sets personal wealth before something like true love and true relationship. As for the sex part... Perhaps getting to know the person before getting right into sex might allow for deeper emotions like genuine care and perhaps love and a growing lasting bond that can lead to something more fulfilling that you seem to desire. Sex is so easy and not the true test of compatibility IMO. Although sexual healing and cumming tons is satisfying it doesn't seem like that's doing it for you. Pleasing your parents is difficult when they want the best for you, I struggle with it myself, but you have to make a decision for you unless you want to live in their judgment and put their acceptance of your choices in partners before what truly matters to you.
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Crystal G



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Lynnch]
#20299110 - 07/20/14 01:04 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lynnch said: I think it's the major flaw of online dating. It cheapens human interaction. It's one thing when you've spent months searching for the right person, and you finally meet one. It's different when you've been chatting with tens of individuals and know in the back of your mind that there's another thousand potentials just waiting on the other side of a screen. We downplay the connection, and magnify the flaws; shrug off whatever time we spend as simply checking out another part of a profile. People in real life are weird and awkward and difficult. People's pages are as interesting as our fantasies allow. It's a blessing and curse, it's too easy.
It sucks to have high standards, it makes for a lonely life. But the flipside- long unhappy relationships with people you're uninterested in that drag on until you end things suck too. It's the question I've been asking over and over again: Is life too short to spend with an imperfect partner? Or is life too short to wait around for some perfect partner that doesn't exist? What do you really want out of a partner and a relationship?
You make it sound like I have been going out with tons of different men every month, and I haven't. Within this past 2 years, I have only met 5 guys from online dating. Out of the 5 within 2 years I have only slept with 3 of them, and instantly I dumped them immediately after having sex the very first time.
I don't just meet anybody, I chat with tons of guys first and select only somebody who I think is special and I think I would get along with. I also know people aren't the same on paper as they are in person, and people's personalities fluctuate and change with age. So yeah, it is a complex and complicated situation.
I do agree though, it's better to be single and happy than be in a horrible relationship with a partner who is controlling and manipulative.
I am actually pretty happy being single currently, but at the same time I want to find that perfect somebody who I feel fireworks with. It's so complicated it's almost like I can't make up my mind what I want.
Maybe that's why I lose interest, is because I can't make up my mind whether to be single, or whether to "settle" with somebody who I honestly don't feel that spark and fireworks with. I feel like I'm too young to just "settle," you know?
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lazyfingers
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G]
#20299186 - 07/20/14 01:45 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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LSDylan
bass music enjoyer



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: lazyfingers]
#20299259 - 07/20/14 02:28 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Wow your parents are terribly shallow people and I think it may have rubbed off on you a bit. You should try to break free from that desire for your parents approval. What is more important - That you live a happy life or that their daughter marries a rich dude? The answer seems pretty obvious to me.
Honestly, I think you should get some therapy from a professional psychologist on this issue. If you don't like your first therapist shop around until you find one that you click with. I think it could be extremely beneficial.
-------------------- DanceSafe | Voluntaryism
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fbi365
Captain of the Sinking Ship



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: LSDylan] 1
#20299388 - 07/20/14 04:19 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Seems like you have some issues relating to people that prevents you from moving past the physical stage with them. I don't know, if you are really wanting to move on in a relationship with another person you are going to have to get past that.
In my experience there is a great level of emotional immaturity related to getting close to someone and bailing because you just loose interest too fast. You like to advertise your open sexuality on these boards but are you really comfortable getting to know somebody very closely? I mean, not sexually. But really letting yourself go to where the other person matters. That doesn't mean loosing your own individuality. It means moving forward with a person who empowers you.
My experience with people who express similar sentiments about relationships as your OP suggest they are self centered, have some unidentified issue with commitment, may have had a shithead father whom they project onto men they might be interested in, have a short attention span with respect to relationships, lack a sense of loyalty, run from problems rather than work through them, are picky, critical of others, and unwilling to forgive, are passive aggressive or sarcastic, can't communicate well with their significant other, and if they ever find themselves in a relationship will bail out of it at the first sign of trouble and fall back into their pattern of anti social self indulgence which I have listed above.
Just my experience with women who are similar to what you describe. The ultimate lesson here is that if you can't move past whatever it is that is holding you back from a relationship, then you have no business getting anywhere near one. It is not fair to the other person, and it's just going to be an inconvenience to you.
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LunarEclipse
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: fbi365]
#20299589 - 07/20/14 07:21 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
fbi365 said: Seems like you have some issues relating to people that prevents you from moving past the physical stage with them. I don't know, if you are really wanting to move on in a relationship with another person you are going to have to get past that.
In my experience there is a great level of emotional immaturity related to getting close to someone and bailing because you just loose interest too fast. You like to advertise your open sexuality on these boards but are you really comfortable getting to know somebody very closely? I mean, not sexually. But really letting yourself go to where the other person matters. That doesn't mean loosing your own individuality. It means moving forward with a person who empowers you.
My experience with people who express similar sentiments about relationships as your OP suggest they are self centered, have some unidentified issue with commitment, may have had a shithead father whom they project onto men they might be interested in, have a short attention span with respect to relationships, lack a sense of loyalty, run from problems rather than work through them, are picky, critical of others, and unwilling to forgive, are passive aggressive or sarcastic, can't communicate well with their significant other, and if they ever find themselves in a relationship will bail out of it at the first sign of trouble and fall back into their pattern of anti social self indulgence which I have listed above.
Just my experience with women who are similar to what you describe. The ultimate lesson here is that if you can't move past whatever it is that is holding you back from a relationship, then you have no business getting anywhere near one. It is not fair to the other person, and it's just going to be an inconvenience to you.
I wonder if the "other person" in these recent instance with OP was even told why they didn't get a "second chance" at sex. It surely had to been like "the bachelorette" selection process to even make it to that point. Plenty of drama and disappointment heading into the final selections.
The lack of feelings for them by OP is telling. "I just cut it off" she says. That sounds painful.
Crystal it appears there will be no pleasing your mom with your BF selections. Likewise your dad, who you want to please but never was emotionally or physically around to please from your descriptions in other posts.
I also think much of your situation stems from the plastic materialistic shallow world that is Hollywood and that area of the country. It truly excels in those areas.
Great thread Crystal, I hope you don't take mine the wrong way and get all defensive. Believe it or not I want what's best for you too. In spite of never even meeting you.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Aldous
enthusiast



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: LSDylan]
#20300020 - 07/20/14 09:58 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
LSDylan said: Honestly, I think you should get some therapy from a professional psychologist on this issue. If you don't like your first therapist shop around until you find one that you click with.
Fully agree with the first part, but watch out with the second. If she can't find the perfect guy, it's bound to be the same with the therapist. In both cases, good enough should be just fine.
Seriously Crystal, there are a few things you should figure out. Is this shallow materialism really only your parents' business? On this forum, you come across as very intelligent and ambitious, but yes, shallow and materialistic as well. So it's about time you decide if this materialism is yours or your parents', and if you want to keep it as a value for your further life. That's what becoming an adult is all about: reevaluating every single aspect of your upbringing, deciding if it's good or bad for you, determining your own set of values and taking responsibility for it. You're getting too old for blaming parental brainwashing, even though it does instill reflexes and worldviews that die hard. It's also about time you learn to argue and have conflicts with your parents when necessary (i.e. when you own happiness is at stake), and stand up for your chubby blue collar boyfriends if you feel they're being treated unfairly and/or if you love them, rather than espouse your parents' vicious criticisms of them. This is about your life, not about theirs.
I also think you should have a deep reflection about what love means to you, how you define it, how this applies to your past relationships, and how you view it in a future "perfect" relationship.
And last but not least, I think you should definitely do away with the notion of "perfection", which seems to pervade many aspects of your life. Relationships are never perfect, however perfect they sometimes appear to be. That's what makes them a major growth factor in human life: they are very nourishing, but they are very hard work in the first place - and this is precisely what you seem to run away from.
That's why the suggestion of a therapist seems sensible to me. All of this IS very hard work, in ways we sometimes don't see through our personal bias. Getting help is a very good move, and proves you're serious and humble about this whole thing.
I wish you the best of luck and all the necessary courage. The fact that you ask yourself this question and feel enough discomfort to want to change is a good indication you may be ripe to take on an interesting and difficult path. If you don't, discomfort will only grow, and you will set up new and different occasions for yourself. Every time it will be a choice between the path and the pills (or other things to divert your attention). The choice will always be yours :o)
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FishOilTheKid
Ascended



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Aldous]
#20300130 - 07/20/14 10:16 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Fantastic!
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Aldous]
#20300133 - 07/20/14 10:17 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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So your brain isn't sensitive to oxytocin. 
Do whatever makes you happy OP. It doesn't matter if you bang guy after guy without settling down. Its your life, do what you want with it.
Now if this gets to a point where it makes you miserable, you'll just have to pick a guy and try to make it work a little at a time. Tell yourself, I'm giving this guy 3 months. Then reassess. Then stretch it to 6 months. etc.
I don't know WTF I'm talking about
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Cyclohexylamine
Turn on, Tune in, Drop out



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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G]
#20300166 - 07/20/14 10:20 AM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Crystal have you ever considered seeing a therapist to talk about this? Family pressure and influences growing up can have a huge effect on sex life later on.
Also, I can assure you it's not from having sex before marriage. Lol.
-------------------- Yes this is tymo - I just changed my name Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to awake from that dream? How would you know the difference between that dream world and the real world? There is NOTHING better than feeling that warm dissociative fuzz creeping up your body from IM K Something abut that anaesthetic rush... Qualitative Research Chemical Effects and Experiences The Wonderful World of Methoxetamine The 3-Meo-PCP Chapters, Part One
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resonant111
left ∞ right

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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Cyclohexylamine]
#20301436 - 07/20/14 02:29 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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that's because getting in someone's pants is the endgame to the human mating ritual we call "dating." the more you fuck, the less interested you become with your mate, especially if it's just about "getting off." there are few animals in the wild who are naturally sexually monogamous, and humans are no exception. once you have sex with someone multiple times, the initial thrill goes away and the relationship usually falls apart.
what i'm saying is the chase IS the thrill. that buildup to that first time is where love is the strongest. but every relationship changes once sex finally happens. the thrill is never as strong after you have sex.
i swear the next time i find a girl i truly love, i'm not going to have sex with her. i never want to reach that endgame, so i never tire of being with her...just this constant intimate desire that is never completely consumated. sounds crazy, but it'd be so sublime, just being intimate with a person but never going all the way with them.
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Sham87
mashAllah


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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G] 1
#20301454 - 07/20/14 02:33 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Crystal G you need a guy that can turn you into his little bitch. Just sayin'.
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   ...once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest places if you look at it right...
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dabb
Stranger
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: resonant111]
#20301537 - 07/20/14 02:56 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
resonant111 said: that's because getting in someone's pants is the endgame to the human mating ritual we call "dating." the more you fuck, the less interested you become with your mate, especially if it's just about "getting off." there are few animals in the wild who are naturally sexually monogamous, and humans are no exception. once you have sex with someone multiple times, the initial thrill goes away and the relationship usually falls apart.
what i'm saying is the chase IS the thrill. that buildup to that first time is where love is the strongest. but every relationship changes once sex finally happens. the thrill is never as strong after you have sex.
i swear the next time i find a girl i truly love, i'm not going to have sex with her. i never want to reach that endgame, so i never tire of being with her...just this constant intimate desire that is never completely consumated. sounds crazy, but it'd be so sublime, just being intimate with a person but never going all the way with them.
I feels, but at the same time, I don't.
I have sex with the same biddie almost everyday multiple times, we're still very close to each other. What you described doesn't apply to everyone, but the thrill thing makes sense. That's the "spark" in a relationship, not to be based on sex.
Crystal it sounds like you just wanna get some, but something is making you feel guilty about it. What's up?
Quote:
Sham87 said: Crystal G you need a guy that can turn you into his little bitch. Just sayin'.
Oh and that too.
Edited by dabb (07/20/14 02:57 PM)
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Beanhead
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Re: I lose interest in guys after I have sex with them [Re: Crystal G]
#20301714 - 07/20/14 03:33 PM (9 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Crystal G said: This is something that has happened to me ever since I was 18 or 19. Recently I've been doing the online dating thing, but as soon as I have sex with the guy for the very first time, I completely lose interest in him and throw him away and move on to the next guy.
I feel like I'm getting way too old for me to be still being like this. I am genuinely looking for a steady relationship and someone to settle down right and truly love right now, yet I can't seem to stop losing interest after sex. Even when the sex is really good and I orgasm tons, I still lose interest. Whether the sex is good or bad doesn't matter.
It's almost like after I have sex with him for the very first time, I start noticing all of his flaws and imperfections, and it totally turns me off from him. Almost like it makes me realize I could land somebody way better than him.
Then, months later, I look back and realize what a mistake I made, because all the guys I dated always treated me so well. They were so caring and sweet and always treated me like their queen. I mean, so what if he was a couple extra pounds overweight, so what if he wasn't a doctor or a hedge fund manager?
As long as you don't eat them nothings wrong
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