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Onlinewrestler_az
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death....
    #1986056 - 10/07/03 05:30 AM (14 years, 14 days ago)

ok, so i lost my grandma the end of august, which sucked, but we all knew it was coming so it wasnt too bad...it was her time.

now, my cousin dies. hes was in his late 20's, with a little girl....gets in a car accident. he had no reason to die. whats even worse, is theres some things with this accident that are unresolved(and may never be) he was not drunk or anything, he had just gotten home from work, sittin down with his buddies for a night of sittin around, bein lazy and shit. they took off to get beer or somethin, and when they got bach he was gone. wherever he went was in a hurry, cuz he didnt eve bother opening his gate, he just drove his care right through it. later, they found him crashed into a telephone pole dead. they estimated his spped at time of impact was around 80 or 90 miles an hour...he was in a hurry to get somewhere....

so ya, i keep telling myself that this is just a part of life and they are in a better place, yadda yadda yadda...but im starting to doubt how much i believe what im saying, if at all. it feels like my family is dropping like flies...wonder whose next?

anyway, just venting i guess...this death was totally unnecessary...my family is a total mess now, my aunt is on the verge of some kind of breakdown, after losing both her mother and son within a month! what the fuck, i feel so bad but anything i say is futile. my grandpa has not left the house since he lost his wife....seems like my whole family is losing all hope that any of us will survive much longer. seems like we are all just getting ready for the next funeral :frown: fuck....i feel so fucking numb right nowi just want to go to sleep and not wake up. just live the rest of my life in a dream world. 


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Offlineorizon
shroomin bliss

Registered: 08/22/03
Posts: 876
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Re: death.... [Re: wrestler_az]
    #1986133 - 10/07/03 07:03 AM (14 years, 14 days ago)

I know exactly how you and your family feels. This past February my dad past away. He lived a good life and was ready to go but nothing can prepare you for that kind of loss. Then 2 of my friends died in a drunk driving accident which was a pretty big blow but the only thing that was holding me together was my 2 year fiance and lifetime friend...Shannon. Me and Shhannon lived together--slept in the same bed and lived for eachother. Well, a month later on March 18'th the love of my life drowned in her bath tub while she was visiting her family. I rushed to the hospital where I stayed with her while she was on a coma until she finally pasted 5 days later. That was 6 months ago and Im still lingering in the depths of depression. I have to eat a xanax just to get to sleep at night and every morning I wake up hoping this was all a bad nightmare...but of course reality always has to kick in. Music and drugs are my only escape now. Me and Shannon always liked to mess around with psychadelics but before it was more of a recreational drug while now its a temporary escape from reality. I go to a recording art school but Im still a Zombie and zone out in class all the time and because of that Im not getting shit out of school. Creating and listening to music is the only thing that keeps me going and hopefully Ill make something of myself before its my time to go. Just take it one day at a time man...Its been a half a year for me now and I still cant bring myself to clean her clothes out of my-our closet.

Take it easy-Orizon


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Offlinesykobish
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Re: death.... [Re: orizon]
    #1986711 - 10/07/03 02:11 PM (14 years, 14 days ago)

Wow.. Both of you brought tears to my eyes.  I'm so sorry that you both have had to go thru such hardships.  That's terrible.  I recently lost a friend as well, so i know a bit about how you both are feeling.. There's nothing that anyone can say that will make it easier to handle.  Losing a loved one, in my opinion, is one of the most painful things in life.  I wish there was something i could do to make it easier on you both.  Just keep your heads held high and try to deal with it the best way you can.  That's all i can say.  You both have friends here that are more than willing to listen and try to make the load easier to carry.  My heart goes out to the both of you.

:heartpump: 


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: death.... [Re: sykobish]
    #1987035 - 10/07/03 04:14 PM (14 years, 14 days ago)

thanx for your concern, your right, there is nothing you can say to make it easier, but just the fact that you and the rest of the shroomery is here willing to read my sqwablings means a great deal to me.

and orizon, i feel for you man...i know that im not the first to deal with this kind of thing, and i know that others like yourself have gone through a great deal more pain than i have as of yet.... makes me almost feel like an ass, you know, bringing up my problems when so many others have bigger things to deal with.

one thing i hate about all this is that its brought on an unability for me to feel any emotion at all....im just numb. i dont feel sad anymore, not upset, or anxious or lonely or any of the feelings that i usually woulb be feeling right now, just completly numb. and i dont get happy or excited, i dont laugh at funny movies, cant seem to find the humor. my sence of humor has been one thing that has kept me going through my life, but it has disipated as well. i cant sleep for shit and i always feel like i wanna throw up.

im told by a very good friend of mine that these are the things that build character. i almost socked him in his fucking mouth...character? what the fucks so wrong with my character that god had to steal two of my closest family members to mend it?


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Offlinesykobish
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Re: death.... [Re: wrestler_az]
    #1987220 - 10/07/03 05:21 PM (14 years, 14 days ago)

Nothing is wrong with your character at all. But hard times do make you a stronger person and it does add MORE character. I talk all about that in my 'The meaning of pain n suffering' thread i posted not that long ago. What you are feeling is natural considering what you've gone thru. And dont feel like an ass for talking about your problems or anything that is on your mind. We all go thru hard times and we all need someone at some time to lean on. Just cuz someone elses situation may be 'worse' then yours, doesn't make yours any less significant. What you are going thru is your 'mourning' time. You may not look at things the same way once you start feeling better, but it will make you stronger and you will be back to your normal self again. It just takes time. If you need someone to talk to, no matter what it's about, please dont hesitate to PM me if you would like to. That goes for all of you that are going thru hard times or just need someone to listen. I wish you strength thru your trying times..


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: death.... [Re: sykobish]
    #1988237 - 10/07/03 10:43 PM (14 years, 14 days ago)

Nothing is wrong with your character at all. But hard times do make you a stronger person and it does add MORE character

i understand this, and my friend and i had a long conversation dealing with this, but right now it seems that any form of rational thought on my part is a long ways away.

and im trying really hard to be the strong one here, i think i owe it to my family. but its hard, cuz seeing them the way they are only makes me want to join them in just giving up and fading away. i have never seen my family so lost and confused. it seems like if i dont stand up and set some kind of example for them, they may never gain back hope. a part of me feels as they do, just ready to throw in the towel, but the stronger more dominant side of me says deal with it and move on. and it seems like the more i try to stand up and move on, the more resentfull they get towards me, because they feel they cant. i get the feeling like they are thinking

"how can he just go to school, hang out with his friends, work as much as he is in the midst of all that is happening? doenst he have any compassion? he just lost two people very important to this family, as we did....and he just goes on with his life like nothing has happened. what an asshole!"

but i mean, they are dead, ya it sux and i feel bad, but what can i do? would they want us to just give up on our lives cuz theirs got taken? i dont believe this, and im afraid that over time if they dont come to the same conclusion that i had it will tear me apart from them....and i cant have that.

i dont know what i think anymore. im so confused, i have so many contradicting thoughts on this issue that i just feel like my head is going to explode. i really wish i had some shrooms growing right now...a nice lil mushroom trip has always helped me clear my head in the past....but it looks like that wont happen for a few months at least....


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Invisibletruekimbo2
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Re: death.... [Re: wrestler_az]
    #1988734 - 10/08/03 01:20 AM (14 years, 13 days ago)

death is some fucked up shit i can tell you. i mean karmically speaking i can see where its neccassary to make the whole world revolve correctly, but yeah i know where you're coming from.

if you're real adament about not letting them out of your life, go crazy like me and believe in magic and out of body experiances. the veil bettween worlds isn't that big.


--------------------
You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: death.... [Re: truekimbo2]
    #1989058 - 10/08/03 03:22 AM (14 years, 13 days ago)

if you're real adament about not letting them out of your life, go crazy like me and believe in magic and out of body experiances. the veil bettween worlds isn't that big.


if you could please, explain to me in a little more detail what it is exactly you mean here...

thanx


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Offlineorizon
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Registered: 08/22/03
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Re: death.... [Re: wrestler_az]
    #1990247 - 10/08/03 03:51 PM (14 years, 13 days ago)

I know drugs is'nt really the path to healing...But I have to say shrooms and xanax/valiums have kind of helped me escape the harshness of this world. In other words.....My dad and most of all my deceased fiance are always on the front of mind 24 hours a day. This condition always makes me less productive---depressed and always on the verge of a meltdown. Shrooms (and my little encounter with K that I expalined in the Other Drug forums) help me push those draining thoughts a few steps farther back so my brain is'nt 100% pondering upon these gloomy dilemmas. Of course last night while looking for tunes under the influence of K, I came across me and Shannons Cd (Enigma....the songs we fell in love too which came to be "Our CD").... I began to completely break down until my friends started comforting me again and I continued to enjoy my trip. The world I create in my head with the help of psychadelics and music is the world I want to live in for now so thats what I think Truekimbo means by between worlds...or atleast thats what it means to me.


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Onlinewrestler_az
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Re: death.... [Re: orizon]
    #1994014 - 10/09/03 05:36 PM (14 years, 12 days ago)

i completly understand what you are saying here....i myself am in need of a serious mushroom trip soon. a good hard intence 7 or 8 gram trip has always helped me put my mind back together....the further out there i get, the longer it takes for me to get the message, but at the same time the further out there i get the more clear the message is when i finally do get it....if that makes any sence to you guys :grin:

anyway, im done groveling now, thank you for all of your kind words.this has been a horrible and new experience for me, these are the first 2 deaths ive had to deal with in my life. thank you guys for helping me tread through these unknown waters. 


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Offlinesykobish
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Re: death.... [Re: wrestler_az]
    #1994440 - 10/09/03 07:37 PM (14 years, 12 days ago)

Glad to hear you are feeling better.  Just keep yer head up and know that there are people here that care about you and your well-being.  *hugs* :thumbup:


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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OfflineGOLDEN9locks
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Registered: 06/09/03
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Re: death.... [Re: sykobish]
    #1994909 - 10/09/03 09:55 PM (14 years, 12 days ago)

i hear ya too bro...in the past 4 years (?) ive lost a boatload of friends, and family....some in car accidents, some killed themselves, some were just old and it was their time to go...
in fact a good friend of mine passed away last week,,, hit me kinda hard since i had been so used to hanging with him...every day for the past month and then BAM! gone!
but, i've found that though the mourning time really sucks,,figuring out how the individual that you've lost has singularly affected your life, and how you've afftected his or hers is a very powerful and fulfilling method in healing...
sometimes we find ourselves wondering what we wish we had said, or done before the person died...but i believe we interact a certain way for a reason, i dont believe in coincidences,,,but rather that we all affect each person we interact with, and this is our gift to eachother.....

peace and healing vibes to you ((wrestler)) and ((orizon)) :heart:


--------------------
...Time is a stripper and she's doin' it just for you....


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