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I respect the quest and I revere The Mystery. The Mystery is ALL that I revere, not doctrines, dogmas, creeds, or formulaic professions of faith. The experiences that result is insight, understanding, unity, and the coveted theological notion of 'assurance' (inner certitude of the eternality of one's Essential Awareness) are collectively referred to as Gnosis. But just like mountaineering, the quest for peak experience is fraught with danger, and for some, there is greater risk of one sort or another. Your's is apparently psychosis. Your post reminds me of the hand-written 'last will and testament' I wrote on the eve of my first LSD trip on Windowpane, (which must have been a solid 300 mcg of very clean acid). I still have that page. It was written after midnight and dated July 1, 1972. That attitude, that I HAVE to Know, has remained with me to the present, even after checking my heightened blood pressure during the height of the trip (my own particular danger is heart attack/stroke).
I support your quest and I am not telling you what to do. Only you can assess the dangers, and if my cardiologist told me not to raise my blood pressure precipitously (another mountain metaphor), I don't know if I'd listen. I tell people that I'd like to trip when I am dying (but how can one be sure when one is within hours of death except for a attending physician's diagnosis?), for which I've saved a couple of vintage sugar cube doses. BUT, dying when it is unexpected while tripping is just a trick on the controlling ego. It actually IS the same thing - tripping while dying and dying while tripping, but it is like voluntarily retiring and getting fired. We seem to desire retirement on the one hand, but when I had my job taken from me, I panicked! Yet here I am, retired, and the panic has passed (fuck you Great God Pan). Perhaps if I die on a trip, the initial panic will subside, and hopefully I will not panic when confronted by the Clear Light of Reality, but embrace it, merge with it as having recognized it as the real me. As for a psychotic break, it is like surviving a heart attack in that it leaves permanent damage. Spiritual seekers can sustain grave injuries, and I wish the both of us good cheer on our respective paths.
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