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OfflinebeforeIgetold
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Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 265
Last seen: 9 months, 3 days
Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life"
    #19168407 - 11/21/13 01:38 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

This relates to the following thread I tried to write while I was tripping.

http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/19163140/page/1

I hope this can serve as a warning to those are about just starting out tripping as a warning that you cannot underestimate set and setting!!! I mean it!

Dose: 1g Liberty caps & 3 grams of Cubes Mexi
Set: Apparentely not… I should have known
Setting: At home… but that's not always good.
Duration: 2 hours of fun, 2-4 hours of agony  and paranoia.


-------------------------

First I have to get something off my chest… I called in sick to do this, I was so anxious to try again that I couldn't wait. Also I didn't tell my girlfriend… both or which lead to an initial feeling of guilt. But what everyone new to this needs to know and remember, is that what ever feeling you enter this realm with, you will leave with multiplied by 100s :frown:


-------------------------

So I dosed around 9am. This time I wanted to try this on my own, ie. no sitter.
I set up my camera in an attempt to use that as someone to talk to. I worked for a while, but was no where near as comforting as having a sitter….

Also had a buddhist gong with declining gongs running in the background.

After and hour or so I went to lie down. I couldn't black out my room, so used a blindfold, and then I proceeded to decent.

The goal was ego dissolution.

So I got the same visuals as the first time, patterns, floral things, tracers and all that.

Pretty much as soon as I put on the blindfold I started seeing fractal tunnels in energetic colors. That lasted for a little while, then the ego started presenting me with stuff… things to be amazed by. I constantly tried to remind myself that the ego was trying to prevent itself from being destroyed so I just tried to ridicule the sights away and turn away from them to move forward.
I also saw some things that were meant to be scary, but I somehow got hold of a magic wand and was able to make them disappear.
At some point I came to the conclusion that fear is silly and fear fears you and that it shouldn't be the other way around. Which was nice.

But the constant shows and tricks kept appearing and I kept breaking them down trying to release myself from the ego.

At one point I opened my eyes and peaked out and saw that the room was kind of build up by frames. Could just barely see them.

But here's the problem. I some how lost my nerve… I really felt like it was impossible to get past all those carnival shows.
I decided to get out of the bed, started thinking about going out…. went to the toilet to pee, and even though I had a piece of paper on the mirror to block my face with "relax you're just tripping" written on it, I couldn't resist looking at myself… I looked different, and my hands were all boney, my feet were growing. I felt discomfort.

I started having doubts, told myself I had taken to little, and now started worrying when this would wear off. I had to be clear minded by 15 because I hadn't told my gf about this and she would be home.

During the come down, I got overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt over having called in sick, and from not telling my gf about my intentions for the day.

When I got almost down, I decided I'd try and take a bike ride to the forest to see if that could calm me. I didn't… just allowed me to think a whole lot more about my deeds :frown:

Eventually I called my gf and tried to sound sober. It worked I think. I had told her I had gone home from work early… she replied "oh great… then you can pick up our son early!"

I thought…. "shit…"

When I got back home after biking, I thought I'd try to take a shower and see if that could bring me closer to baseline. The sensation of water had a color when I closed my eyes… blue.. hehe.

The shower didn't help. My pupils were still dialated. So I resorted to the last thing I thought would help me pass as normal; wearing a cap.

Then I went and got my kid. While biking there I felt like everyone could see I was not normal if I looked them in the eyes, so I kept myself from too much eye contact.

Now even though I was almost back, I made a booboo. The kids were sitting and having bread with butter. My kid wanted to stay for that, so I sat with him.
Then one of the kids said that his mom's name was this and that, and since me and my girlfriend have met her and said hi to her before I knew who she was…. I replied: "yeah… my moms knows your mom…" took me 5-6 sec to realise who stupid that really was… then I laughed "haha, not my mom… morgans mom!"

Anyways, we got back home, but I was feeling slightly dis associated still.

Girlfriend got home 2 hours later… she sensed something was wrong, said I had a strange energy around me, but I played the bad card and kept my mouth shut.


-----------------------------

The paranoia and guilt lasted till I was completely sober. I was a dreadful feeling. I really really felt bad.

The guild even manifested at some point during the lie down as an evil version of the psilocybin princess I saw in the first trip, that said to me with sharp teeth "Get out!!"

-----------------------------

The thing is… I have no afterglow… I still have the "tools" from the first trip in terms of how to treat my family in the right way, but somehow, I got fully inserted into "life" again. There's not the same feeling of happiness and compassion this time…. no afterglow as such :frown: Just a recognition that I have to play this game of life and do it well.

The result and current feeling is that I don't want to do shrooms again…. I have the feeling right now that the point of tripping is not to trip. So once and the leave that behind.

It's weird, but I think instead of dissolution I somehow managed to really reinforce my ego instead :¨(

Any tips of how to get on is welcome.


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Invisiblelessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: beforeIgetold]
    #19168414 - 11/21/13 01:44 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

set,setting,dose

ego dissolution attempt, my god :-)

that will never work, just trip......

trip to trip, dont trip to think what to trip

some psytrance


also your setting seemed stressed... gf coming home 2hrs later

be undisturbed for trips into your own mind


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Offlinekneesocks
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Registered: 12/25/11
Posts: 870
Loc: Puget Sound/PNW Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: lessismore]
    #19168487 - 11/21/13 02:27 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

You weren't even close, really.

It doesn't seem like you thought about the nature of your discomfort and guilt very much.
Quote:

I constantly tried to remind myself that the ego was trying to prevent itself from being destroyed so I just tried to ridicule the sights away and turn away from them to move forward.
I also saw some things that were meant to be scary, but I somehow got hold of a magic wand and was able to make them disappear.

But the constant shows and tricks kept appearing and I kept breaking them down trying to release myself from the ego.



Understand that psychedelic experience means exactly that - mind manifesting, and that the majority of the part of your ego that influences the way you perceive the world as well as how you think about things, is within your subconscious. You were all too willing to observe and appreciate some of the least important aspects of the psychedelic experience - tracers, 'trippy visuals'. Yet when the biggest part of your ego came to visit, you closed your mind off from it, denying it as mere shows and tricks.

You will never experience true dissolution with the closed minded approach that you are currently using. On top of that, your mind was preoccupied with obligations and expectations, and anticipation on things like your job, girlfriend, family, morals, appearance and sobriety. Metaphorically, you were attempting to begin writing a novel onto a newspaper at an uncomfortable and messy table with ink splattered everywhere, rather than drafting one on a clean sheet of paper at a clean, well-stocked desk.


--------------------
"An ignorant man is lost, faithless, and filled with self-doubt;
A soul that harbors doubt has no joy, not in this world or the next."
-Bhagavad-gita 4:40


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OfflineSchopenhauer
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Registered: 09/14/12
Posts: 349
Last seen: 4 years, 7 months
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: kneesocks]
    #19168659 - 11/21/13 05:13 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Yeah, I've had a similar "ass kicking". Even if you pay real attention to set and setting it can still be hairy at times. What I've derived from it is YOU'RE NOT IN CONTROL. Not only on the trip but, in some fundamental sense, EVER. Everything is trivial when in contact with the "numinous". I quite like Jung's conception of collective unconscious and archetypes "rising": they can inflate the ego and cause all sorts of hectic confusion/suffering. One can learn from it but it can be overwhelming. You'll be OK, I'm sure (as am I), but I always think of Alan Watts' statement: when you've got the message, hang up the phone. But I still make the occassional "phonecall", because there's something fascinating and seductive about it....


--------------------
You've got to open up your mind and let everything flood through.


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OfflinebeforeIgetold
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Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 265
Last seen: 9 months, 3 days
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: Schopenhauer]
    #19168808 - 11/21/13 07:17 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Schopenhauer said:
Yeah, I've had a similar "ass kicking". Even if you pay real attention to set and setting it can still be hairy at times. What I've derived from it is YOU'RE NOT IN CONTROL. Not only on the trip but, in some fundamental sense, EVER. Everything is trivial when in contact with the "numinous". I quite like Jung's conception of collective unconscious and archetypes "rising": they can inflate the ego and cause all sorts of hectic confusion/suffering. One can learn from it but it can be overwhelming. You'll be OK, I'm sure (as am I), but I always think of Alan Watts' statement: when you've got the message, hang up the phone. But I still make the occassional "phonecall", because there's something fascinating and seductive about it....




Yeah… It wasn't long ago I was going through his varying lectures including the one where he says that. But I guess I didn't put enough weight into that… or the things McKenna said.
Which is foolish by me… I mean, us new comers really should listen and listen carefully to the old timers both here and the likes of Watts and McKenna.

I understand now how an unprepared mind can be sent out into weeks or months of distress coming to terms with what has been experienced.

The worst part is that I feel a bit depressed today. You know, almost like I've let myself down… let my life down… stuck somewhere where I almost feel I don't belong. I mean… I was dreaming before about living the whole farm life growing my own food, but today, the only thing I feel is that I love my family, but don't know where to go with my life… I feel like the work that I'm educated to do and have been doing for the last 9 years is pointless.

That's the worst part…. It's like I'm in the game, but don't know my place. Terrible feeling!

So this whole day has been about sticking to rutine and "keep smiling".

In some ways, I kinda got dis associated but not all the way.

Anyways…… for you new guys; seriously, make sure you go into this with a completely open mind and with the setting 100% in order, cause 99% wont cut it!


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OfflineGreySatyr
Pagan-Psyche
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Registered: 06/20/13
Posts: 3,376
Loc: North Carolina
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: beforeIgetold]
    #19169127 - 11/21/13 09:30 AM (10 years, 3 months ago)

I think your problem was your approach. It was irresponsible. No offense. Of course you will have a bad trip if you feel guilty for givin up responsibility. I think you're realizing now that it wasn't the mushrooms but that it was decisions that ultimately made you feel the way you did. To seek spirituality and the divine is a highly plausible pursuit but of course, it's a double edged sword when it comes to current culture and modern obligations. The world is closed and you were open and the world showed presented you it's turmoil and you let it affect your psyche.

Maybe you should have waited longer as well.


--------------------
...also, go to hell, huh?


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OfflinebeforeIgetold
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Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 265
Last seen: 9 months, 3 days
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: beforeIgetold]
    #19649010 - 03/04/14 07:47 AM (9 years, 11 months ago)

SO HERE WE ARE... 3 MONTHS LATER.

Sorry the caps, but I wanted to make clear that the above has been dealt with and I've moved on.

So what did I get out of that trip?

Cons:
- Lost the after glow of my first trip... that was almost the worst thing.
- those 3-4 days of extreme gloom / depression / paranoia.
- Money out the window...
- Learning the hard way.
- Failed to get any real breakthrough.

Pros:
- Learning the hard way. That was a real eye opener. Thinking that just because the first time went great that next time would be better.
- Time heals all wounds and makes you a little stronger. It's funny because the depressed mood I was in after the bad trip made me feel that I was broken and it would take forever to recover. But slowly healing has rewarded its own tools and experiences...
- Valuable knowledge to use for future experiences.


The time spent recovering has taught me a lot... of course I'm not chasing highs now. I'm not careless about my lust for diving into the abyss inside, and I don't think I'm the king of tripping and I know that I can't really help or give advice more than just relaying my experience.
But the bad experience has hardened me a bit for future trips. Nothing teaches you better than having been there, where ever that is.

For anyone else reading this and contemplating doing their first trip....... step into this with caution. There are no guarantees. And please don't do this on your own.

If there's one thing I learned its that your own mind is way stronger and more complex and ruthless than you think. The "elves" or "entities" on the other side will only be as friendly and helpful as you are true, open hearted and willing to let go.
You have to go into this knowing that what you are going to encounter are your own subconscious creations and that since they are subconscious will be throwing you quite a show or putting up a fight if you are trying to break down your walls.
What will appear as helpers or guide are just tricks of what we call the ego. But you have to endure those tricks, and watch them.

What I take from these two experiences is that the state you venture into is more or less like dreaming, maybe somewhat like lucid dreaming spiced up with past memories, only it's forced upon you.
And when you dream, your dreams are processes of your mind coming to terms with things you have not consciously picked up during the day....

Anyways I don't know what I'm getting at. Just felt like I had to return and share my "progress".

My bad trip was a mix of cubes and a gram of semanilceatas. Next time, after summer, I think I'll stick to semanilceatas since I can just go pick them in nature.
And then I'll go back to basics, with sitter, prepped music and so on.

Hopefully that will yield a new positive experience.


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Invisiblelessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
Re: Mushroom mix - Ego dissolution attempt = Ass kicked and thrown back into the game of "life" [Re: beforeIgetold]
    #19649025 - 03/04/14 07:56 AM (9 years, 11 months ago)

nobody is ready to let go the first time

just trip to trip

there is nothing to achieve

try taking a walk in nature each trip, best part of any trip, sit in nature


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