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OfflineMorphinTime
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: Psychman1]
    #19483702 - 01/27/14 09:28 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

Jung would be proud OP!

Very entertaining, please feel free to carry on.


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OfflineElston Gunn
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Registered: 11/17/13
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: MorphinTime]
    #19483730 - 01/27/14 09:33 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

Awesome post


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Happiness is the ultimate sign of success.
"Just put all the poo in the corner of the bag like you would an 8 ball, then tie it up, like you would an 8 ball. " - PsychoSlut
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OfflineSpecialEd
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Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 6,220
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: Elston Gunn]
    #19483895 - 01/27/14 10:14 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

13.  The wishaniggawould (aka uncle reemus's wife aka momma lesbian)

So here's the deal, uncle reemus's wife maybe into distribution, but she's not in it for the money or the drugs, she's in it for the drama.  She's usually spun out of her mind and loaded, but you're afraid to rob her...until you realize that she wishes a nigga would.

Why?  Why else would she fall asleep in your apartment and drop a teener baggy of shit on your floor.  Why else does she pass out in the back seat of your car and "accidentally" drop 3000 dollars in cash all over the back seat of your car?  Because she wants you to steal it so she has something to bitch about and hold over your head.

Not on my watch momma lesbian, don't you ever sleep on Barry O.  You don't fall for that shit, it's not worth the easy come up.  But eventually she insults your intelligence too much so you do things like steal 20 methadone right out of her bottle right in front of her and she ain't even know it.

Or the time she has you hook her up with a forty bag.  You park at the spot and tell her to wait while you wind through the apartment buildings to meet your dood in his staircase.  You get back in your car with her shit, and she wakes up, reaches into her bra and pulls out half a dozen bags of dope, randomly selects one and holds it in your face and says...

"What the fuck, is this what I get for forty bucks."

You're offended, because you haven't even had a chance to hand her her shit, but also because she's holding a teener in your face and bitching about it like you ripped her off, even though you would have lost atleast sixty dollars to hook that up for forty...

"WOULD THAT BE A PROBLEM WITH YOU IF THAT WAS WHAT I GAVE YOU FOR FORTY BUCKS."

Not knowing that you never gave her a damn thing, she calls you an asshole under her breathe and drops the issue, you get a free half gram of good shit lol.

you try and put them on the game but they ain't want no knowledge



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Edited by SpecialEd (01/27/14 10:20 PM)


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Registered: 01/30/03
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19484017 - 01/27/14 10:45 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

14.  Ain't trying to do no more serves in the tennis court.


Alright so this homeboy is a total pos, but he has entertainment value because he's a smooth talker, excellent only at one liners and kissing his own ass.

You've dealt with him twice and been burned both times, but it has been explained to you that it was on you.  Because he's only safe to deal with when he's fresh out of county, where he ate and slept everyday for 30 days straight.  You have a 72 hour window to buy and sell shit to him after his sentence has been served and the court commitment is up.  After those 72 hours are up, he has effectively been up for 72+ hours and is on some scandelous shit.

The last time you saw him he asked you why you hadn't been fucking with him no more, and in your head you first thought of saying...

"Because you are the worst piece of shit to deal with, you've ripped me off twice."

...but instead you think about all the cool assed shit he's said over the course of a few months like.

"WHHHHOOOOWEEEEE, next time WARNA BROTHA!"

"Ain't trying to do no more serves in the tennis court, they got a ci overlooking that motherfucker."

"That first serve, that first serve gonna be so good, and then, and then after that, IT AIN"T GONNA STOP."

In your head you think he means that first serve when he gets out of jail.  But eventually you realize he's bragging about hooking a new person up proper, and then just robbing the shit out of them each and every return deal.



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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19486091 - 01/28/14 12:46 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

15.  The needle enthusiast

the needle enthusiast is an intravenous drug usuer usually suffering from denial and actively engaging in rationalization.  They will constantly tell you that using a needle is the cleanest, safest, and most efficient way to do drugs.

They explain to you that you can't get meth mouth from an iv methamphetamine habit.  You remind them of your mutual friend who died in the hospital last week of a bacterial heart infection caused from needles.  They get mad and say that was an asshole thing to bring up..."Why don't you just make fun of my hepatitis C while you're at it..."

They explain to you that it's the most efficient way to stretch your dose because you get 100 percent of it.  You say yeah but your tolerance has skyrocketed and a gram that lasts me a week lasts you 4 doses.  They then get mad and say they're blind in their left eye from shooting coke.


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OfflineDocBrown
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd] * 1
    #19499481 - 01/31/14 12:59 AM (10 years, 25 days ago)

I wouldn't call this one high quality but I think Mouse will get a kick out of it.

Thing One and Thing Two

Cheech and Chong. Snoop and Wiz. Harold and Kumar. Stoners seem to pair up as if they're in line for the Ark. Thing One and Thing Two are at first impression sharp foils to one another, a testament to cannabis's ability to bring people together.

One appears as hardcore as they come. First impressions are naught but shock and awe. There's more ink than pink under his clothes and he can only explain half of it. The inside of his lower lip is adorned with the worst of obscenities and when his friends ask him to show new people his expression is a paradox of pride and embarrassment. You're not sure if his facial hair is matted deliberately or if it just grows that way. You'd compare it to the mop on top if only he would remove his hat sometime. His vocabulary is modest but not uneducated, however his boisterous flamboyance grants him an air of arrogance and ignorance. One will openly admit to dabbling in everything from bud to crystal but claims he's terrified of dope.

Then we have Two. His beanie, thick-framed square glasses, tight-fitting khakis, and converse sneakers make it easy to pigeonhole him as one of the hipsters of olde. When One is about, he takes a backseat to his partner's antics and resumes a mild-mannered and permissive observation post at the opposite end of the same couch, laughing on cue and occasionally tossing in a vanilla comment on one of One's tirades. You know there's more to him but he's just not a sharer, except when it comes to weed. He's of equal stature to his pal but he just seems to take up less space on the couch, possibly due to his tight clothes and the way he crosses his ankles in front of him when he sits down.


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DMT: ITS LIKE RIDING A SCUD MISSILE INTO A BLACK HOLE


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InvisibleModestMouse
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Posts: 19,227
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: DocBrown]
    #19500332 - 01/31/14 08:44 AM (10 years, 25 days ago)

I love that one Doc, what a strange duo those folks were. The writing is quality too :thumbup:


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 6,220
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: ModestMouse]
    #19500883 - 01/31/14 11:35 AM (10 years, 25 days ago)



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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19502272 - 01/31/14 05:02 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

The grimey pos opiate thief

In japan, they have many words for many things.  In the world of professional opiate addicts, they have millions of grimey hustles, cons, and tricks. 

Most stimulant users steal your lighters, electronics left around the house, and electronics from walmart to sell at pawn shops.

The opiate user steals your wallet, calls the number on the back of your debit card, and uses the info on your drivers license to get your debit card changed.  He hates pawn shops with a passion, he would never fence stolen property to those greedy jewish bastards.  In fact, they make him sick, he wouldn't waste the gas in his stolen car to drive over there so he could sell a gift card for 50 percent of the value.  But he will steal anything left outside afterhours that his angle grinder and bolt cutters can unchain.

He wants your cash receipts and your mother's maiden name.  He wants to know if you can still do recieptless walmart returns, or if you are maxed out for the next six months.

Sometimes he calls you and asks if you need any roxies and if you can get any roxies.  Jokingly, you suggest that he do the roxies he has.  Which causes him to loose his cool.  Because he's spent the last two years of his life on the math that makes the plan he's executing work.

Ever seen those people on the news that can tell you what day of the week any date fell on in the last twenty years?  This guy is like that with retail stores return policies.  He knows what gas stations you can buy scratcher tickets with debit/credit...he knows what gas stations do receipless cash returns no questions asked on 10 dollar and under amounts, he knows how to steal quarters out of laundry and vending machines, he has collaborated extensively with the scrapper and sold all kinds of batteries, metal, and copper from phone and utility junction boxes to the scrapyard.

He's like the macguyver smoker of theft.  He's also collaborated extensively with the needle enthusiast and learned how to rationalize and be in denial.  He thinks he is a good guy because he doesn't go after women or children, just their belongings, which reminds him, he has some gold jewelry he'd like for you to sell at the we buy gold place down the road.  His favorite catch phrase is "I'm like robinhood, I steal from the rich and give to the poor."



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"Plus one upvote +1..."
--- //
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--\-/----


Edited by SpecialEd (01/31/14 05:09 PM)


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19502367 - 01/31/14 05:24 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

^^^ also noteworthy that the opiate thief often goes ten to fifteen years without getting hemmed up, but when he does, he gets a mix of ten to fifteen misdemeanors and nonperson felonies all in one life crushing blow.  trespassing with unknown circumstances is ALWAYS one of the misdemeanor charges and it is usually dismissed by the prosecutor as part of the plea deal or amended to disorderly conduct.


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  /l_l\/
--\-/----


Edited by SpecialEd (01/31/14 06:31 PM)


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19502986 - 01/31/14 07:32 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

The wikipedia

The wikipedia has been touched on here and there in folklore and popular culture, but a comprehensive view of this good ole boy has never been offered in such a succinct manner until now.

The wikipedia is named such because he is an diehard amateur know it all.  He may not be a book smart man, but he knows what street intelligence is, jenny.  Like wikipedia, all of the knowledge that he drops on you is user submitted and should always be treated as potentially erroneous, and ALWAYS be verified.

He's not unlike the You should have been there smoker, and he has a lot in common with the jailhouse lawyers you will meet in county.  He loves to talk about r and b dope, strychnine in acid, urban legends, how strong marijuana of today is, and he has all sorts of false legal advice.  One time he got busted with two pounds of weed, but the cops didn't read him his rights, so he walked.

"Did you know if a cop is following you and you make three turns he has to back off, and if he doesn't, it's harrassment."

"That's not true that if you ask someone if they're a cop that they have to tell you if they are.  But if they lie to you they can't bust you for anything..."

Suprisingly, these guys hate oneupmanship just as much as you do.  But, beware, these guys are butthurt and have chips on their shoulders.  They tend to be fugitives from other states, where they are wanted for the most trumped up retarded felony charges you have ever heard.  Once they get a few hundred miles away from their homestate, they are safe, because nobody is extraditing them back to georgia for felony grand theft of farm equipment.

They are just basically good ole boys, never meanin' no harm, beats all you ever saw been in trouble with the law since the day they were born.

If you ever buy drugs from them, you have to put the twenty dollars down on their computer desk, and then they will point to your 0.2 grams of meth under the mouse pad that you have to pick up yourself (very important).  This offers them legal protection even though they sent you a picture message of the bag on their digital scales with the led readout indicating 0.6 grams.  The text read "The baggy weighs 0.4 grams, here's what I got for twenty bucks, RIGHT NOW."


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"Plus one upvote +1..."
--- //
-- :meff:
  /l_l\/
--\-/----


Edited by SpecialEd (01/31/14 07:39 PM)


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19503319 - 01/31/14 08:36 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

The Gemini rising...

The Gemini rising is a meth baby that is disguised as a casual meth user who is currently pretending that he is a meth dealer.

Don't get me wrong he sells drugs on a very small scale, and he does drugs constantly, but he a very small tolerance, which is in sharp contrast to his tall tales and vivid imagination.

He's kind of looking for a friend, but mainly just needs a good listener so he can tell you all of his cool assed stories.  He is linked to all 7 billion people in the world by a maximum TWO degrees of separation.  Sorry assed motherfuckers like you and me would need six degrees to achieve this.  He has been to every city in the United States and his family is friends with every millionaire in the tri-state area.

He has a fifty five gallon barrel drum of black iodine buried in the woods, two gallons of safrole in his basement, and he spent a good part of his childhood cutting the red tips off of matches.  Sometimes, you feel like pointing out that the red phosphorus is actually in the strips that you strike the match heads on, but the point is moot as the story is complete bullshit anyways.

He is scared to death of dodge chargers, and sometimes you wonder why he continues drugs as a hobby, you can see the fear in him as he is the first to hear imaginary sirens, helicopters, and he has accused everyone and their brother of being undercover in the 6 months that you have known him.

He is younger than everyone in the group, and he makes all his moves like a high school athlete does, obviously following the instructions of an older, more experienced coach.  9 times out of ten, this guy will have immediate family members that are cops which makes you wonder if he is undercover, or selling drugs for the police.  Either way would be cool with you if he would just shut the fuck up about knowing the guy that invented the one pot method.


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  /l_l\/
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InvisibleModestMouse
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19503622 - 01/31/14 09:55 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

:shrug:


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OfflineMorphinTime
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: ModestMouse]
    #19503674 - 01/31/14 10:07 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

Quote:

ModestMouse said:
:glorious:





I agree.


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: MorphinTime]
    #19503937 - 01/31/14 11:07 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

The people that treat you like God because you can get weed.

These people are always funny and annoying at the same time.  They are your neighbors, coworkers, bosses, younger brothers, uncles, and cousins.  Statistics show that 3 out of 10 times they are asian.

They are in the honeymoon phase of their drug use.  Weed is such a strong narcotic and hallucinogenic to them, they think that anyone who does anything besides that and or a 5 milligram vicodin has a death wish and serious drug problem.

Your at that phase where you ended your love affair with marijuana two years ago when it turned on you after being stoned every day from ages 12 to 25, but a good portion of your supplemental income comes from selling marijuana to the people that think you are pablo escobar for doing so.

These guys are a mixture of cute and annoying.  They're cute because their green behind the ears and naieve, but you still make a killing hooking them up proper.  You can overcharge them 10 dollars and short them a gram, and your still hooking them up twice as fat their other hookup, Rodney.

You're used to selling x pills by the hundred, coke by the ball, shit by the quarter ounce, and oxy by the milligram, for a dollar every milligram.  Which is why your perception has warped to the point that you forget it's even a felony to sell these guys weed.  It definately doesn't sketch you out or give you feelings of guilt ever.  Which is why you're always caught off guard when they start kissing your ass out of the blue, or you catch them telling lies or talking black in an attempt to impress you.

Eventually their admiration turns to resentment, and they start talking shit on you. 

"Wow, that was sure fast hooking up that ounce of reg, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're a dealer and not a middleman."

Blah blah hate the player just don't hate the game.  You ignore comments like that, but eventually they get bold enough to try and burn you on a ten dollar front, which finally annoys you to the point that you cut them off.

After they haven't smoked weed for three months, they come crawling back to you with your ten bucks and their tail between their legs and the process repeats itself.





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--\-/----


Edited by SpecialEd (01/31/14 11:08 PM)


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19504067 - 01/31/14 11:31 PM (10 years, 24 days ago)

The legitimately cool story teller.

This guy is pretty much the most interesting man in the world from the dos equis beer commercials.  You're used to rolling your eyes and saying cool story bro, tell it again, but when this guys tells a story, you say cool story sir, got any others?

When he gets off on technicalities on the cases he catches or diffuses confrontations originating from random chance encounters with law enforcement, he does so by magic synchronicities, coincidences, and developments that have far fetched odds of ever happening.  Basically, he is lucky, not full of shit, and that's how you can tell the difference between him and a bullshitter.

The cops actually find his drugs, they just don't recognize them as such.  That index card the cops pulled out of his wallet was actually a half sheet of acid with them being none the wiser.  Back in the 80's the cops actually found twenty ecstasy pills during a search of his vehicle, but he told them they were vitamins, and the cops gave them back.  The bullshitter has ounces stuffed in his sock, and when he gets cuffed and put in the back of the cop car, he slips his cuffed hands over the hump of his ass, all the way down his legs and removes the zips from his socks and stuffed them down the crack between the seat and backrest, where they've been for the last 5 years.

This guy got 30,000 dollars fronted to him to hook up a friend of a friend with 4 pounds of meth.  But something told him not to do it, so he went to the casinos with the money, lost half of it, and then went on the run, only to be caught one state over a few months down the road.  The way you know he's telling the truth is he still did 24 months in club fed for his part in the conspiracy and he's actually shown you the paper work.  The bullshitter usually throws the marked money on the ground seconds before the swat team cuffs him, effectively destroying the case they had against him, and he gets off scott free.



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--- //
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  /l_l\/
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InvisibleModestMouse
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd] * 2
    #19531144 - 02/06/14 03:19 PM (10 years, 18 days ago)

6. The Man Who Lost His Name

There he is on State street
Some half block ahead of your present position, or lack thereof
He’s relatively Mexican
In that he’s got more Mexican in him than other folks you see around

Standing there
Being poor
Smoking some manor of a rolled cigarette
Which contains more than a legal buzz

The ol’ 60/40 blend
PCP and pipe tobacco
Sloppily rolled together
In haste yet tired routine

The tobacco tells the real story here
The real punchline to the joke
PCP is just the metaphor - old and misunderstood
But having more use than credited for

His outfit accommodates for several types of weather
While being positively suitable for none
He’s wearing a shirt that says “Bring your own acid”
You laugh at the thought and continue walking

Your parents taught you better than to talk to this figure
A million books without an ending sit in his library
Going somewhere with his feet and nowhere in his head
He’s on a mission to remember his name

Seemed to have escape him in that one acid trip
Back in '97
When the girls were still around
Lost along with everything else he used to posses

You won’t get to trip with him
But you’d like to
Perhaps behind a piece of bulletproof glass
And a dozen armed guards

You hope you see him on the way back
A perverse thought
Like hoping to drive past a car accident
Oh well


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Anyone got a lowpass filter in this biiiiash?


Edited by ModestMouse (02/06/14 05:21 PM)


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OfflineVriska Serket
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: ModestMouse]
    #19531196 - 02/06/14 03:28 PM (10 years, 18 days ago)

i don't know what this is supposed to be but I like it


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OfflineSpecialEd
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: Vriska Serket]
    #19531540 - 02/06/14 04:26 PM (10 years, 18 days ago)

Ginger and Hollywood

Jeremiah was a bullfrog, Ginger was Hollywood's two for one special partner, and Hollywood was a back page escort.  Call it a two for one all you want, this is a three dog night.  Consequences will Never be the same.

You gotta steal a page out of uncle reemus's book on this one,  It's not your place to judge and instill, you're getting paid to drive.  Fifty bucks to drive to the mark, go hang out for an hour or so, then swoop Ginger and Hollywood.  Definitely enough money to take the moral low road, just take a spiritual shower when you get home, you're soul will just seem dirty.

You do the math in your head, they're splitting 250 after taxes, keep in mind tho, there are costs associating with escorting.  It costs about 25 dollars to post an ad.  You gotta buy those pastels of eye shadow and tights.  Even though it didn't apply to tonight's outcall, sometimes you gotta rent a room for incalls.  And pay somebody 40 bucks to put the room in their name...this shit really adds up.  Plus dope too.

You do these things a couple times, and after earning several hundred dollars driving and renting rooms, you realize how far ahead you're coming out.  Ginger and Hollywood are soulless and dead inside.

But who was phone?


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Offlinesadspacemonkey
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Re: The Twelve People You Meet on the Couch [Re: SpecialEd]
    #19531706 - 02/06/14 05:05 PM (10 years, 18 days ago)

The Much Older Guru Who Secretly Wants To Fuck You

This guy has your best interests at heart...really. You're a young impressionable girl who's just started out on her spiritual quest and you really need some guidance. He's usually rather fit although old as fuck and has a few ready quotes from other gurus who got a lot more pussy than he did. (He's still perfecting his technique.) He talks a lot about expansion, especially when he's expanding inside of you...but we can talk about that later. For now, he'll divide his time between sucking up to you and also making little comments that poke at your self esteem...taking a bit *too* many drugs are we? A few unhealthy lifestyle choices? He can show you the way, enlighten you...Trip with him and he offers the door to God..and maybe even a threesome when he gets really good at it. It's so simple to drive a young girl's car...straight into HELL!!! :crazy2:


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"I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana


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