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First off, I'm not really sure I'm eliciting advice here. This is more for me to vent. If you have anything constructive, however, feel free.
Life has just completely beat the hell out of me. Background information first. I'm a second year college student, gonna be a pharmacologist when I grow up. Living at home currently, have a steady job with good pay, a caring family, and a nice car.
Contrary to what you may think---LIFE SUCKS.
Now, I used to be upbeat. College was fun for awhile. But now, I go every day, just in the hope that someday I'll graduate. I have great grades...3.6 GPA. I'm proud of the fact. I just cant take any joy in it. I mean...I'm sitting here in school for 6 hours learning things I already know. Whats the point in this?
Its hard to articulate how I feel. Its like...Yesterday, I was walking in the woods, smoking a bowl of some killer bud. I was walking on a hill by the river, and I took a mistep. I fell ALL the way down the muddy hill on my ass, and nearly went RIGHT into the water. But I'm so used to life shitting on me, that I just laughed.
My feelings are like, numb. I dont take any joy in things, but I dont really feel a sense of despair either. I'm just EMPTY. I crave SLEEP. Its the one thing I love...I just cant get enough. 8 hours every night, 4 hours in the middle of the day. And I'm dog tired, ALL the time. Lots of Coffee is required just to stay awake, much less alert.
I really feel my grades are going to go down this semester, because for the first time, I'm taking some of my actual Degree classes, and I dont know all the material. Most of what I know, and I consider myself pretty smart, I learned in like, middle school. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of learning new material anymore. I've skated through 3 semester of school putting for barely any effort, but suddenly, a few weeks into the semester, I'm behind a bunch of classes.
Life just scares me. I have no back-up plan if I cant hack school. My entire life to this point has hinged on getting into college and graduating. What am I supposed to do if it doesnt work out? If I flunk out? It sounds cliche to say "I'm afraid of being my parents." But I really am. Both my parents work extremely hard, and have their entire lives. I would HATE that. I dont want to do something I hate for 60 years, just to subsist. I want to do what I LOVE, for 20 years. Then retire, preferably RICH.
I'm not done. More observations will follow in the coming days. Alot of things in life seem to be revealing themselves lately, and I need somewhere to set things down. I really hope you folks dont mind me taking up your space with my thoughts, but I really, honestly, sincerely need somewhere to put them. Thank you.
-------------------- After one comes, through contact with it's administrators, no longer to cherish greatly the law as a remedy in abuses, then the bottle becomes a sovereign means of direct action. If you cannot throw it at least you can always drink out of it. - Ernest Hemingway
If it is life that you feel you are missing I can tell you where to find it. In the law courts, in business, in government. There is nothing occurring in the streets. Nothing but a dumbshow composed of the helpless and the impotent. -Cormac MacCarthy
He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. - Aeschylus
There's not really mcuh I can say, because I dont know you in real life. I am going through the same thing at the moment, just started new courses at school and nothin seems to stick. It's like I sit in class, but I'm not really there, everything just slides off me. I also feel, like, sedated most of the time and fall asleep for hours in the middle of the day and I love it, cos I can just stop for a while. It may seem never-ending, but it will pass eventually. I think it's just a phase, so keep your head up and keep you aims for the future in mind.
-------------------- "Why dance to the music when we are all slouching toward the same, inevitable conclusion."
"So I'm packing my bags for the Misty Mountains
Where the spirits go now,
Over the hills where the spirits fly."