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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Absent fathers (growing up)
#19393699 - 01/09/14 01:21 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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While I grew up my father was relatively distant and my parents divorced while I was still young, my brother and I staying with our mother.
For much of my childhood I missed a father figure in my life and in retrospect I can see how this developmentally was good for me.
Now as I'm 41 he lives in another country and visits me about 2-3x a year, where he spends about 2 months of the year staying over in my home.
Oddly enough I'm only now really getting to know him, and see more of him dan during much of my childhood. About the matter he told me "I didnt know how to relate to kids so I withdrew a bit". I recall that I adored him when I was younger but as an older kid found it hard to relate to him because of the distance I felt he created. Like a stereotypical kid, I assumed it was my fault. It didnt really mend until my 30s, when my mom died and he and I got closer as people.
Absent fathers, lets take about it.
Anyone here had a dad gone AWOL? How did it affect you? Can you relate to him better now at this age? Are you turning into an AWOL dad to your kids too?
Let's talk.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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chicksgrowtoo


Registered: 12/01/13
Posts: 3,422
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19393743 - 01/09/14 01:36 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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If my dad stuck around I would be a horrible person....sometimes it's best just to NOT know certain people related or not
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Shroomslip
Architekt



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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante] 2
#19393747 - 01/09/14 01:38 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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I was raised by my grandparents from infancy. My mom was only 15 when she got pregnant with me, she still had a lot of partying to do, so did my dad so they "let" my grandma have me. (Really my grandma got tired of them dropping me off so they could go party, and told them either she's getting custody or they need to stop)
Years later my parents divorced and they fucking HATE each other. My dad moved away, my mom stayed in nearby cities and saw me like once a weekend per month in a good year, maybe 3 times a year in a bad one. My dad almost never bothered to send me a birthday card or pick up a phone. I saw him all of 3 times until I was 15. Talked to him on the phone maybe twice.
He tried to get back in my life and that shit just ain't gonna work. I resent him for abandoning me. I was all the time questioning why my parents didn't want anything to do with me (my mom only picked me up when it was convenient for her) like what the fuck is so bad about me that my own parents don't want me?
But it's okay. My father is a horrible person anyways. I'm glad I didn't grow up with him now (my brothers did and he beat my youngest one practically everyday.. Broke his collar bone once, threw him through walls, back handed him because he lost his temper etc they were eventually removed by CPS from my father and given to my mother). The whole goddamn time he had them, he was ruthless at collection child support from my mother. He didn't care if it meant she wasn't going to eat or have a place to live he wanted his damn money. My mom had them for the next 10~ years (until one died and the other was over 18) and she has to this day, not seen one dime of child support money owed to her.
When I eventually asked my dad why he didn't bother to pick up the phone, he told me "Because it would piss your mother off". Biggest crock of shit answer I have ever heard. He can't even own up to not giving a fuck about me, but he wants back in my life. He fucking HATES my mother.. He doesn't give 1 iota of a shit about pissing her off in any other way, but for some reason, he doesn't want to piss her off by talking to me.. Yeah. Fucking. Right.
Fuck that dude. The list goes on, I could spend all day listing all the reasons why he's a shitty human being and the world would honestly be a much better place without him, but I've already written a damn book and haven't even begun to scratch the surface. His entire family has disowned him.. He has not one family member on his side. That should tell you something.
TL;DR My dad is a piece of shit who abandoned me, doesn't have the balls to admit he made a mistake and is a shitty human being who deserves to die alone.
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With my face against the floor I canβt see who knocked me out of the way. I donβt want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today. Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, Iβm too busy being calm to disappear. Iβm in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear. You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline
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FrozenHappiness
Professional Cereal Box

Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 5,330
Loc: Nagoon Lagoon
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Re: Absent feathers (growing up) [Re: Shroomslip]
#19394389 - 01/09/14 04:07 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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I was cold a lot.
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
Loc: Ottawa
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I always wished my dad would be more involved in my life. It's partly my fault, we both don't visit each other because we're both loners
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MisterSandman
Neo Nazi



Registered: 03/23/13
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My dad was an alcoholic, he was extremely emotionally abusive and distant. I have very few good memories of my Father, I can probably count them on one hand. He would scream at me all the time, say things like how he wished I had never been born, shit like that. He never taught me any life lessons or skills. He cheated on my mother several times until they finally got divorced when I was 15. I sometimes think it might have been better to just not have a father at all.
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something super extreme
NIGGA YOU A FUCK NIGGA!


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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19394648 - 01/09/14 05:04 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Nope, my dad was pretty good until he died. Sucks to be you guys.
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Konyap

Registered: 06/30/07
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my dad is a old white nerd
we used to watch star trek together for a few years when I was super young
i played sports but honestly I get uncomfertable pretty easy and my friends played different sports so i was never good at any
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pcplease
Salame

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Quote:
sVs said: Nope, my dad was pretty good until he died.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: pcplease] 3
#19395219 - 01/09/14 06:36 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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My father was a good, kind man who took care of his family.
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something super extreme
NIGGA YOU A FUCK NIGGA!


Registered: 10/29/12
Posts: 17,397
Loc: TURNT UP!
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: zappaisgod]
#19395224 - 01/09/14 06:37 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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All too uncommon in these times.
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LittleDipster


Registered: 06/18/10
Posts: 4,141
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: zappaisgod]
#19395258 - 01/09/14 06:42 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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my dad is awesome. my mom on the other hand....
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
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Quote:
sVs said: All too uncommon in these times.
Maybe. I think my children think of me that way.
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something super extreme
NIGGA YOU A FUCK NIGGA!


Registered: 10/29/12
Posts: 17,397
Loc: TURNT UP!
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: zappaisgod]
#19395301 - 01/09/14 06:49 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Should I ever make the mistake of procreation, I'd attempt to give them as good as I was given. We're pretty adamant on not having any children for the foreseeable future, however.
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teknix
πβπ
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19395343 - 01/09/14 06:56 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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I met my father a couple of times and stayed with him for a summer when I was 13. To his credit he did get me interested in computers and taught me things about them. This was way back when windows 3.1 was cutting edge, lol. He taught me how to remove the cmos to reset the bios password, which still comes in handy.
I was going to live with him but I felt like he didn't really like me there so I went back home. I don't think fathers are as good at being and showing affection the way mothers do, and I sorta missed that I guess.
He always sent child support too, and it ended up helping my brothers and sister to have a place to stay because it went towards buying a house. So I think he did his part in that respect, just wasn't good at being a dad really. (imo) I never really see him and don't really care either way.
I don't think the majority of the dad's are very good at it though.

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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: zappaisgod] 2
#19397499 - 01/10/14 06:32 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Quote:
zappaisgod said: My father was a good, kind man who took care of his family.
I believe you, you strike me as a man who had a strong male rolemodel and I mean that in a good way. But, and not to dig at you, I always had the impression your mom didnt breastfeed you.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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Icyus
KavitΔrkikasiαΉHa



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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19397506 - 01/10/14 06:34 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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I had my father my first years... he was still absent.. and thus I distanced myself..
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19397546 - 01/10/14 06:53 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Quote:
I always had the impression your mom didnt breastfeed you.
How is this meant to affect someone?
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Icyus
KavitΔrkikasiαΉHa



Registered: 11/07/13
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: birdland]
#19397555 - 01/10/14 06:55 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Quote:
birdland said:
Quote:
I always had the impression your mom didnt breastfeed you.
How is this meant to affect someone?
Uncomfertable with physical contact...
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highc
creator



Registered: 08/31/07
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Icyus]
#19397568 - 01/10/14 06:59 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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My mom and dad seperated when I was 8 after my dad tried to kill her. Prior to this my dad was a pretty bad man. Was mafia affiliated and has killed numerous people. Home life wasn't far from. He use to beat the fuck out of my mom and me. Very badly. Most of the time for no reason.i found out I was adopted when I was 13 which really made me mad and dispised him.
Between 8 and 17 I just lived with my mom. At 17 I was way to out of control for my mom to handle and she sent me to my dads. I lived with him for a year and then he got cancer and died. I'm glad I got to spend his last days with him. Forgave but not forgotten.
I didn't even cry at his funeral . he was a piece of shit. He did slightly change when I went to relive with him. But damage was done. However, as shitty as he was I wouldn't change who he was or what he did because its those circumstances that made me who I am today and I love me
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Icyus
KavitΔrkikasiαΉHa



Registered: 11/07/13
Posts: 3,502
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: highc]
#19397579 - 01/10/14 07:02 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Quote:
highc said: My mom and dad seperated when I was 8 after my dad tried to kill her. Prior to this my dad was a pretty bad man. Was mafia affiliated and has killed numerous people. Home life wasn't far from. He use to beat the fuck out of my mom and me. Very badly. Most of the time for no reason.i found out I was adopted when I was 13 which really made me mad and dispised him.
Between 8 and 17 I just lived with my mom. At 17 I was way to out of control for my mom to handle and she sent me to my dads. I lived with him for a year and then he got cancer and died. I'm glad I got to spend his last days with him. Forgave but not forgotten.
I didn't even cry at his funeral . he was a piece of shit. He did slightly change when I went to relive with him. But damage was done. However, as shitty as he was I wouldn't change who he was or what he did because its those circumstances that made me who I am today and I love me 
Bullseye.
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Ballerium
Little Black Spot on the Sun



Registered: 10/03/10
Posts: 11,025
Loc: GA
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Icyus]
#19397632 - 01/10/14 07:18 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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My parents divorced when I was six years old. I saw him every other weekend and I would visit him in longer spurts during the summer when school was out. I have a great relationship with him and I can't say anything bad about him. He tried his best to always be there for me and he has always made sure that I never hurt for anything. I think he has a lot of guilt for what happened and not being able to be as much of a part of my life as he would have liked to have been, even though he did a lot. That translated into him spoiling me a bit. 
But if anything we are closer now than ever and our shared hobby (weed) only furthers that closeness. I am a lot like him and can talk to him about pretty much anything - the total opposite of my relationship with my mom. I'm slowly trying to introduce the concept od tripping to him..he seems like the kind of person who would appreciate and benefit from it.
I guess I came out alright compared to some kids of divorced parents but I always wonder how I would have turned out if he had been in my life on a daily basis. I feel like there its good to have a mother and a father figure, if anything just so I could have maybe had another perspective/way of looking at life. Which isn't to say its too late for that now..I just feel like it was something I should have had growing up when I was my most impressionable, if that makes sense.
The male mind is a mystery to me sometimes and I feel like maybe it wouldn't be if he had been around more to explain things.
I don't know..its early in the morning and I'm in a caffiene-fueled rambling mode.
-------------------- Beats and waves will take me to my grave and when I go there I know that I won't be alone 'cause I've been spotted, blotted, many many times before.
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Kingofdiamonds
Stranger


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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Ballerium]
#19398771 - 01/10/14 12:22 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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My mom and dad divorced when I was 2. My dad had visitation rights every weekend so I had to see him whether i wanted to or not. When he paid support it was also bare minimum since he didnt work half the time. When I went to where he lived for visitations his house was a mess. It looked like a garbage bomb exploded and he also never took care of himself. At the age of 12 the court decided I was old enough that I could decide whether I wanted to see him and I sad no. So they check off the visitations and I havent seen him since. Part of the reason I wanted the visitations to end is because my mom and him did not get along. I was also tired of hearing her talk shit about it and how much she hated him(He was abusive toward her when they were married). So here I am at 27 and havent seen my father in 15 years.
I did and still do have a male role model though. That would be my mom's step dad. He has more than made up for the shortcomings of my real father. Plus he has always been there for me when my mom wasnt. He has definitely influenced and help shape the person i am today.
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shLong



Registered: 03/04/10
Posts: 25,330
Loc: 'sconsin
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That's sad to read/hear about asshole men as fathers
My dad is kind of a hot headed dick, but he was there and provided. He tried his best, I'm sure.
Idk, if I ever have a child or two I know full well that I'd do whatever I could to make their life the best that it should be.
I identify more with my mom than my dad, however.
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Apostle
Philanthropist



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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: shLong]
#19399624 - 01/10/14 03:12 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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My dad wasn't really around much but i don't think it affected me too DADDY WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?
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Shortknight



Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 2,164
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Apostle]
#19399648 - 01/10/14 03:18 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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My dad is awesome and is one of the wisest little mas there is, don't get me wrong either, he is a really strong man. Love my parents. They taught me so much control, and its all in the palms of my hand now!
Sorry to hear about a lot of your guys stories, hope all is well now and keeps getting better! 
 Shorty
-------------------- Did I say it too loud? Big heart? Or a little misleading!
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lets drive around
That kid with a stupid low Jetta



Registered: 07/25/13
Posts: 1,060
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Shortknight]
#19399728 - 01/10/14 03:37 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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My parents got divorced when I was around 5. Don't remember him ever trying to come visit me and my sis that much, and every time that he actually did he would come over reeking of booze and try to buy us gifts and tell me and my sis how he was better than mom cause he buys us presents. That's all the memories I have of him. Sad, I know.
When I was 9 my mom moved to the US and married my stepdad. He's been an awesome father for the most part (he tried the best that he could). To this day I consider him more of a dad to me then my blood father.
2 years ago my blood father died, and when my ma told me the news I honestly couldn't care less, as cold as that is. I forgave him for all his mistakes though, even though he was a piece of shit but at the same time only human.
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trekie
Metal man


Registered: 05/11/09
Posts: 11,085
Loc: Larger cities
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My dad is a horrible person. When I'm not on my phone I'll write it out sorry for shit post. Really don't want to forget to write it out.
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Hobozen

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 10,634
Loc:
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: trekie]
#19399955 - 01/10/14 04:15 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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my dad was a long haul truck driver, mom worked full time. i was mostly raised with a pack of wild brothers.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19400239 - 01/10/14 05:06 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Wiccan_Seeker said:
Quote:
zappaisgod said: My father was a good, kind man who took care of his family.
I believe you, you strike me as a man who had a strong male rolemodel and I mean that in a good way. But, and not to dig at you, I always had the impression your mom didnt breastfeed you.
Almost certainly didn't. She had bee bites and didn't breast feed the babies that I was aware of after me. I was first, by the way. Can you tell?
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


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Posts: 81,741
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Icyus]
#19400249 - 01/10/14 05:08 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Icyus said:
Quote:
birdland said:
Quote:
I always had the impression your mom didnt breastfeed you.
How is this meant to affect someone?
Uncomfertable with physical contact...
I am not uncomfortable with physical contact. I don't think that was his point. I don't know what his point was but there is no way he would have that knowledge of me.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Ballerium]
#19400286 - 01/10/14 05:18 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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Quote:
Ballerium said: My parents divorced when I was six years old. I saw him every other weekend and I would visit him in longer spurts during the summer when school was out. I have a great relationship with him and I can't say anything bad about him. He tried his best to always be there for me and he has always made sure that I never hurt for anything. I think he has a lot of guilt for what happened and not being able to be as much of a part of my life as he would have liked to have been, even though he did a lot. That translated into him spoiling me a bit. 
This is pretty close to my experience with my daughter except I don't feel any guilt about it and I didn't spoil her. When her mother was being a whack job, and she was many times, she always had me for sanity. It disgusts me to no end that I would have to have proven my ex-wife to be an ax murderer satanist junkie in order for me to get custody of my daughter.
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teknix
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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: Asante]
#19400655 - 01/10/14 06:56 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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I wonder if children that are breast fed tend to have more empathy and compassion later in life?
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deladude
king size


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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: teknix]
#19400794 - 01/10/14 07:34 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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My dad is a piece of shit that leeches off my mother and treats his family like shit. He once broke down my door, broke all my shit, and threatened to kill me.
I honestly wish I would have never lifted my restraining order.
-------------------- losers always talk about doing their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
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InfiniteToker
Devourer of Chicken Wings



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Re: Absent fathers (growing up) [Re: deladude]
#19401311 - 01/10/14 09:41 PM (10 years, 20 days ago) |
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grew up without a father in suburban Pennsylvania as a latino. Constantly picked up, bullied, made fun of because of the color of my skin. Fast-forward into the future- at age 25 met said father who never apologized and we attempted to form a relationship as buddies. Received 400 dollars for christmas of 2012 and talked four times after that. left messages on cell etc. with my numbers and contact info, still waiting. Guys if you become father's don't emulate this shitty behavior. Peace Dope and Smoke
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"I'm chilling in a room with a view, there's always room for improvement; so i grab my coat and go and prove it"-Method Man
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