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Gedaliah

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 24
Loc: where land meets the firm...
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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too paranoid to make friends
#19389448 - 01/08/14 05:21 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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hey guys, im posting today because id like to read what you have to say about my present experience. im a senior in highschool and ive tripped about 7 times, ive had hellish trips and heavenly trips. i have experienced ego dissolution and have gone through some heavy shit i dont really want to go into detail discussing.
So i go to school and im surrounded by people who are blind to reality so to speak, who dont know anything other than what they see on tv and only know themselves as the shadow of their true self they have developed over the years. im not interested in superficial dramatic relationships with people whos perception of reality is a product of ignorance. anyway i was sitting alone at lunch today eating my sandwich listening to music and this guy we will call c came and sat across from me, we exchanged greetings and then started talking, he has tripped before and we just talked about past trips and shit. he asked if i hang out with anyone at the school and i said no, then he says "do people ever like...smoke you out?" i said no i dont really have any friends. then he told me one of his friends is coming into town later this month with a vile of Lucy. in excitement and disbelief i said thats awesome dude, he goes on to say he will hit me up.....
now here is the reason im posting. the only time ive ever been happy in life is when i experienced ego death and when i took shrooms. when im with other people i have a habit of thinking they are planning to beat the shit out of me and i think every other thing they say is directed towards me as an insult even if i know rationally it isnt. i dont say more than a hundred words a day because i fear other peoples judgement. i just put my head down and listen to music during school. one reason i think this is stupid as shit is because ive experienced ego loss yet i cant just be who i am as an infinite expression of the universe. i twitch and tremble and talk quitly to people. the thing is im one of the most attractive guys at the school yet i have no self esteem and no dignity. i try not to judge people and im never mean.
i fret that if i take this L im just going to have these fear based thoughts magnified. what doesnt help is people like relatives and teachers always have an underlying essence of concern for me when they talk to me which is annoying as crap, anyway i digress. if you have anything to say id like to hear it
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Brambolinie
Stranger



Registered: 04/01/13
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: Gedaliah] 1
#19389523 - 01/08/14 05:33 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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Find new hobby's/interests/activities or whatever to meet new 'genuine' people?
-------------------- "And so castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventually "
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,534
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: Brambolinie]
#19390150 - 01/08/14 07:35 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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I think you mean Vial of Lucy - which is a small bottle while a Vile of Lucy would be disgusting and vile mess.
Anticipation and projection are automatic mental activities, if you want to change your automatic activities, you have to practice. this takes time if you are not ready - don't force it
after repetition the new attitudes kick in on their own. this includes fear in social situations, as well as spelling
practice then relax.
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_ 🧠_
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absols
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: Gedaliah]
#19391750 - 01/09/14 02:12 AM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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I think it is due to male condition of being conscious
like for females the condition is the opposite, the most sensitive to be through senses will think that everyone like them
maybe because males conditions conscious ways is through knowing how to weaken everyone else, so the sense of being is to see how you are seen that way too
you should get back a bit and think how there is you too as being conscious, so deal with yourself existence conditions objectively.. like it is not you
then maybe you would see others differently, where they are not only tools of life but they are their free positive wills and means
then you can trust few relatively, from what you would have something to work on to realize your own trust to yourself .. I mean it is free from there something good would be present of you
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: Gedaliah]
#19392328 - 01/09/14 05:51 AM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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My thought is for you not to do the lucy with others unless you really know the one other and it's out in nature. Not in some room with more than one other. That probably won't be comfortable for you. And maybe you want to just forget it all you may not be ready even though you may think you are on some level. If the shrooms were hellish, the lucy may be worse. Or may be better it's dose dependent.
Just remember Ozzy used to be coherent. He always did stagger around though.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: Gedaliah]
#19392539 - 01/09/14 07:40 AM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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All the posts so far have very good advice imo.
I'm curious as to why you have developed these habits; have you had some bad or traumatic social experiences growing up? Have you been bullied at school? Something else?
Probably best not to take the acid if you're going to feel uncomfortable.
As for the social thing, it takes practise. I used to have no friends in school, now I have quite a few; and many are genuinely good friends too. I'm still a shy and quiet person but I've changed a lot of these irrational thoughts and reactions in social situations that I used to have (that sound very similar to yours).
Practice, being rational/realistic, staying present. These are things that helped me. But I could always use more helping, don't necessarily listen to me. I'm still pretty fucked up
Edited by birdland (01/09/14 07:40 AM)
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Gedaliah

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 24
Loc: where land meets the firm...
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: LunarEclipse]
#19394201 - 01/09/14 03:23 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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the shrooms were lovely, the 5 hits of L showed me hell
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Gedaliah

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 24
Loc: where land meets the firm...
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: birdland]
#19394303 - 01/09/14 03:45 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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well the majority of experiences in my past were negative and it got to the point where being a turtle became my escape, as a young child at a family dinner with some family friends i said something inappropriate, i dont know all i remember is everyones faces as they looked at me in disbelief at whatever came out of my mouth i learned there are things to say and things to not say. my social boundaries were implemented by a hardcore chrisitian father. when i was like 4 he told me about "sin" and hell and shit and i was mortified i remember asking "how do i know what to say and what not to say?" "what if i think the wrong thing?"this lead to me over thinking and over analyzing everything. the fear of trying to never say the wrong thing was also associated with the fear of hell. i wish i could be how i am when im alone in public. an example of how i am is im always on a light mushroom trip, when im alone im having an amazing trip, when im in public i start having a bad trip. and it doesnt help that my greatest fear is being wrong about what i know about reality and death, as if its all an elaborate illusion concocted by satan to deceive us from jesus or some shit. i cant help it its ingrained deep in my psyche. i dont even beleive the bible. ive never been able to present myself to people as i truely am.
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Gedaliah

Registered: 05/04/13
Posts: 24
Loc: where land meets the firm...
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: LunarEclipse]
#19394323 - 01/09/14 03:48 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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im at the point where i cant go back to societal consciousness or ignorance, i have to learn to BE without fear
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absols
Stranger

Registered: 11/10/13
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: Gedaliah]
#19394408 - 01/09/14 04:11 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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this is not something to learn, it is a lie
fear is about negative others so it is not about you, reality is only present you cant invent which is the real you
that is how fears are never but condition of being like animals... your ego make you believe that it is you who fear while in fact no.. whatever negative is never you
a lot of people never fear because their condition in life is to be wealthy and strong, not because they are strong nor smart ...
it is all based on evil rules.. good people slavery in worse conditions of being and bad people positive life
that division is becoming shown everywhere in the world
the poor and the rich
rich are leaning on things property rights poor are meaning freedom power of life and death
poor are not better, but I mean how it is all to conditions that you cannot change ... it is not of you
Edited by absols (01/09/14 04:25 PM)
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lessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: absols]
#19394429 - 01/09/14 04:16 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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you need an ego
but since you have fear it seems you didnt reach egodeath, or maybe it came back, it always does ;-)
you cant function without an ego too well
solution: no drugs for many months/years , dont even consider smoking weed alcohol might work fine though, it doesnt dissolve you
and perhaps realize you are no smarter than everybody else you used to be like everyone else, egodeath is just a temporary experience
if you would only associate with people babbling about egodeath experiences/lucy all the time life would be boring maybe? decide for yourself, I dont make acquaintances based on drug use only
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absols
Stranger

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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: lessismore]
#19394564 - 01/09/14 04:46 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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the word ego was mentioned by me for a limited purpose, not that I ever consider that a word can be subjective or negative, like bad thing
any word is by definition a concept of positive thing reality
I was simply guessing how the ego could be a way to get fooled by our being conscious condition in life, what could make people believe being guilty while they have nothing to do with what is happening on them
it is almost impossible to admit that absolute powers on ourselves could be negative willingly it is easier for everyone to think being the negative reason instead, at least to mean that changing is possible
ego is the false self.. when self is only through objective rights realizations so ego is a normal thing and not wrong at all.. it is the conscious identity of any being that protect and support individuality of beings
Edited by absols (01/09/14 04:49 PM)
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hmmn


Registered: 01/09/13
Posts: 372
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: absols]
#19395262 - 01/09/14 06:42 PM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Hey Gedaliah...
I hope you'll be cautious in decisions about using psychedelics with others. It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going in your solitary use, but that tripping with others would be fairly traumatic at this time in your life. It's very likely that your social anxiety would be greatly amplified if you tripped with new friends.
That said, I also hope that you'll make an effort to make friends with the people you're meeting - assuming that they're reasonably nice people. I've noticed that young people who get into psychedelics - high school and college age folks - have a tendency to develop fairly solid beliefs about reality as a result of their psychedelic experience. Many people I've known that got into psychedelics early - including myself - had to suffer through a phase where their beliefs were so solid that they became unbearably elitist. I hope you're not embarking on that path - it's no fun. Having some friends to bounce your ideas off of can do a lot to prevent getting sucked into an extreme view of life.
Other people have had a lot to teach me in my life - including, perhaps even with emphasis, those who I believed had nothing to teach me. People who I saw (often rightly so) as ignorant and confused have given me some very important lessons in egolessness, kindness, and wonder - which I feel are the greatest gifts of the psychedelic experience as well.
The best way I know of to work with anxiety and discomfort in being with others is to seek out people who you think you might enjoy knowing, and get to know them. This takes a great deal of effort if, as I did when I was your age, you suffer from fairly intense anxiety around others. It can be especially helpful to have a friend or two your age who suffers from a similar difficulty. So many people have anxiety around others when they're in high school / college...you'll meet them if you try.
Wish you the best...
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TheGreenArrow
Goodbye, Mr. Chops.



Registered: 06/22/12
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Re: too paranoid to make friends [Re: hmmn]
#19397047 - 01/10/14 01:59 AM (10 years, 21 days ago) |
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Wow, OP really reminds me of myself alot when I was in high school. I would say I know exactly what you mean about the feeling that your the subject of coversations, you're also right that they're not actually talking about you. I'd say you could go about the LSD 2 ways. Take a break from psyches for a while, your young! You've got your whole life to experience psyches, there is no need to do all of them at once. That feeling that people are talking about you is gonna get fucking wild while your on LSD, so tread lightly. The other way is to go after psychedelics in a responsible, informed way. And really reach for ego-dissolution. Read this PDF before you trip again. The-Psychedelic-Experience It may give you alot of insights. As far as what mio said about weed, do your own thing man. Good cannabis is a staple of life, like decent coffee and friends. Don't worry man, shit will improve. Apply to alot of colleges, you'll likely find alot of neat people there that will identify with you more. Good luck brotha. Good vibes.
-------------------- A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, conn a ship, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve an equation, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.- Robert A. Heinlein Saint RedBow of the Shroomey Loomey-Patron Saint of Sandbaggin Sumbitchs
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Spacerific
- - - >



Registered: 10/13/12
Posts: 4,923
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I for one would advise tripping with others, if you've already tripped by yourself a few times. Personal opinion, I think that tripping only alone is a lot like drinking alone, it is alienating and increases feelings of having no tribe.
There's something that happens when you trip with others (especially of the opposite gender), when you have some wide dilated pupils to look into, that mirror yours and "get" at least some of what you're going through. Deep shared experience that validates you as a person, your choice to trip and explore, in ways that non-trippers simply couldn't. Very nice to have someone with you, that has chosen to walk the same path and go the distance.
I for one have benefited from tripping with others, that's why I recommend it. Obviously don't do it if you get bad vibes or aren't comfy enough with the people or set&setting.
Enjoy  
-------------------- Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. - Matthew 13:16
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