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Jvells
Unity



Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 3,031
Loc: East coast
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These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help
#19388827 - 01/08/14 03:47 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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Please bare with me, im writing all this out on my phone and theres a lot on my mind, but if you take your time out to read and comprehend this with a decent response i cant thank you enough. Im in a deep deep hole right now and therapy doesnt help, so im looking to you guys for help.
Senior year i fell in love with this girl a grade below me and she was definitely my first love. I know this because i dated a girl before her who i was definitely crazy about but when we fell apart i saw this girl one day and have by far never been so attached to something in my life. The chemistry all through the relationship has been so so real. Just writing that my hands started trembling and now im crying, so you know i really care about her.
We had the weirdest break up, im gonna try and sum everything up but its gonna be hard. Basically i got deeper into drugs and we both slowly started to pull away and before you know it we both had some dramatic talk and decided to break up for awhile to get our shit together or something. As time goes by I'm such a paranoid fuck from all my drug use i guess i couldnt see that she was just not confident enough to come up to me each day and talk to me, we just kind of walked by each other in the halls everyday and shit went downhill big time from there. I had reasons though, or so i thought. She would always go over with her friend to this guys house where he had a friend and they'd drink n smoke and shit and i thought he was bangin her and shit lol. The list goes on and on and onnnn how much shit i made up in my head to be true.
It sucked, it really did and all the while shes writing shit on twitter almost directly to me i was just too paranoid to connect the dots. I was abusing mxe like a motherfucker this whole time too, at first i thought the shit was beautiful and abused it so hardcore it started really making me paranoid (probably because it was all i wanted to do) and now it doesnt do a thing you know, quite a blessing but it makes me wonder if i like depleted something lol. I do feel a slight aspect of me might have went away with that drug but 99% of it i held on to and especially now that im cutting all addictions im feeling normal again.
Anyways so she found this guy from the town over to pretend like they were dating and get me jealous, or so she said idk. Did sort of seem like she was right but in my paranoid state i took that right to fucking heart and all hell breaks loose. It was bound to though, she never everrr would respond to me when i tried to talk to her so i just kind of had to move on, i couldnt do anything if i wanted to lol its weird. But when i found out about that guy I met this girl at a party drunk, and fucked her just to get all this bullshit off my mind and to be honest in my state of mind i was totally convinced this new girl was the one. Next thing you know half the school finds out and i told her straight up before anything just because im an honest person. Around this time my opiate addiction began, oxycodone...everyday.
Fast forward to today, i graduated and a few months ago met a new girl i actually felt really interested in, also cute as fuck. By this point im in college doing heroin and think everythings okay, im dating this girl and within a month i took her virginity too. I was convinced again i was with the right one, and here i sit questioning if im doing whats right. After going to the city to score dope everyday i eventually found a suboxone dealer and ive been weening off doin that, thankfully i find tripping to be way tio beautiful to sacrifice them for fucking heroin so i did not want to keep doing that shit. Tommoro ill be down to .25mg suboxone and ive been skipping days so im almost completely clean.
I was addicted to so much shit the past year it was insane, benzos, dope, mj lol, you name it... almost every drug i swear and all on my own doing it, depressing shit huh? No one had any idea i was going through all these addictions and shit because i have a goood game face, i worked out a lot, worked a lot and kept my self in good shape but on the inside i was a steadily heading south and i knew it. Now all i want to do is trip once a month and smoke weed when i do, clean otherwise.
So, my girls about to be here in a half hour and the whole day ive just been so confused...do i stay with this girl and hope my mindstate changes? Shes damn cute and looks good but the connection isnt there as much...yet? She's crazy about me too... My heart says go back to my ex, i think the girl writes everyday about me on twitter with poems and stuff, its so cute...and ive just been this lost junkie... I finished off my first semester at college well but i feared for the next and ive been trying so hard to get my act together. The next semester is in two weeks and this is why im writing this, i need to get opinions and get this off my mind before classes start because im majoring in engineering science and i know its not gonna be a piece of cake. I feel the worst of the pure hell ive been in is over but i know its not done yet.
Where do i take my life from here...? As you all can see i have a strong need for love, its always been an unbeatable desire for me and i theorize its because my parents had a hellish divorce so i want the opposite...except im creating so many disasters. Thanks a ton if you read this bullshit...
Edited by Jvells (01/08/14 10:33 PM)
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Jvells]
#19389533 - 01/08/14 05:34 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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You've run into 3 or was it 4 "the one"(s)? When I had my 12th or whatever number she was, I was finished with caring.
A lot of people think otherwise, but in my opinion its immature to try and hold onto anyone. Better to keep moving and learn to live with yourself 'Serious' relationships just look really selfish to me.
Anyways good luck with that shit
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Repertoire89]
#19389698 - 01/08/14 05:58 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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You have a strong need for love and you should be looking for it within before you look for it in others. I think you should stop worrying about girls and get yourself clean. When you learn to take care of yourself, everything will be much clearer.
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Edited by empty space (01/08/14 05:59 PM)
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1,439
Loc:
Last seen: 1 month, 20 days
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Repertoire89]
#19389830 - 01/08/14 06:19 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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You know what, I'm going to have to agree with Repertoire. I'm a bit older then you are , OP, but I too thought I had fallen in love back in high school. I'll share my story and insight with you if it is of any help because I know what you are stuck in between. We were each other's first love and it was so amazing to be able to confide in someone and love them as wholly as possible. For once in my life, I wasn't depressed or sad. I was just me. She was there too. Just me and her. Pure bliss.
Things went south after her mother found out and we(my lover and I) ended slowly tearing each other's throats bit by bit. It was gruesome and I hated her and despised her and wanted her and masturbated to her and thought about all the other guys she's fucking. And it was just a clusterfuck. 4/5 years later, and she still comes up on my mind. But I've seen much more beautiful things since then, I've enjoyed and suffered more, I've laughed and cried more, I've had to endure the OD of two of my oldest friends which has made me reavulate the way I'm spending my time here on Earth.
Now here I am. I still want her, but I still also want to fuck London Keyes. That primal/sexual instinct will always be there. For multiple people even.
You've merged and bonded with someone man, that's not something you can ever deny or erase from your mind. We are programmed to feel immense and intense feelings toward our partners. Nonetheless, that could be your downfall. It's much more important to stay in school and get your degree then chase some tail. You can always fall in love AFTER you've fallen in love with yourself, as selfish as it may sound.
Given the amounts of drugs you use as well, go sober for a bit. Whenever there's a lul in work or school find some time to isolate yourself in the mountains/wild and relax your mind towards the ACTUAL important things aside from making babies. You have a limited time here my friend, don't waste on chasing tail.
Learn to love life. To love playing music, or competing against your fellow man, or creating art so driven and passionate. All you can do is live with passion.
Then again women are a source of the most passion this world has to offer.
Man I'm pretty stoned.
To summarise, you could leave your current girl for the first one. Honestly if all roads point to it then do it. But if in the back of your mind there are doubts, important ones, reavulate. Career and health are the two things that will carry you through this world, don't ditch either for some girl.
Life is not a movie. Not one bit. All those posts you see might be for other men. They probably are... if you really want to know. Like you REALLY want to know what you should do, talk to her first. Express your feelings. After that you will know whether it's a good idea to chase her or not. Pretty simple isn't it? Communication?
Be prepared to be either: 1) Laughed at and shamed for naivety 2) Have your feelings reciprocated and love at last in your arms
One more thing: you always want what you don't have. Try and remember why you broke up in the first place. Go from there.
Good luck with love.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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Jvells
Unity



Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 3,031
Loc: East coast
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: MoxyOx]
#19390590 - 01/08/14 09:01 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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I wish i could just focus on myself guys but i have such horrid anxiety and cannot for the life of me enjoy anything without her. Its a vicious cycle, this night was hell...ive told my girl multiple times my heads scrambled and its gonna be hard for me to overcome this but i will with time...it hurt so bad tonight, she could tell there was something so wrong with me and i could tell she was getting upset but was hiding it.
I feel horrible, your responses definitely did help though...all of you thank you so much. I just, idk guys...im gonna keep on with this girl i guess...i just wanted my ex to know how special she is to me and i sent her a text letting her know how much she meant to me and now i just feel like a clown, but the point was to make her realize what a beautiful person she is. I really hope she meets a good guy for her someday, damn does she deserve it.
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Jvells]
#19390818 - 01/08/14 09:49 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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Jvells
Unity



Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 3,031
Loc: East coast
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Repertoire89]
#19390992 - 01/08/14 10:26 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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^haha, awesome. that just helped so much youd shit yourself. I feel like i might actually be able to be single now not being addicted to shit and dealing with all this anxiety much anymore ahahah . My reasoning is i feel like having a girl keeps me out of drugs but im finding out now you needa get a grip on that before I do anything like one poster said I've dealt with it so bad the past few years and now I'm started to get a grip on it and the addictions, im so damn happy. Just posting this and getting it out is suchhh a huge relief too . Haha and cherub rock topped my night off man honestly, i feel like gold and im gonna sleep good. Thanks all so much . Thoughts from everyone are still welcome though
Edited by Jvells (01/08/14 10:31 PM)
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Jvells]
#19391099 - 01/08/14 10:59 PM (10 years, 22 days ago) |
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Sounds great dude, hope it works out for you Its hard to form words about music, just the best thing there is
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Jvells
Unity



Registered: 11/05/09
Posts: 3,031
Loc: East coast
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Repertoire89] 1
#19404837 - 01/11/14 05:14 PM (10 years, 19 days ago) |
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I just wanna say thanks everyone for helping me out this thread really did help. I realized from ya'll that you do want what you cant have and that it is true that if i was to hypothetically go back to her it would be the same thing allll over again. Her not talking to me leading to me getting pissed off at her and relapsing, then wanting someone else who gives a fuck, etc. and that my new girl genuinly tries to help me out. I've finally learned to overcome this shit and it was you guys that ended this madness in my head for soo long. Total plot twist because my therapist was all "do what your heart says" and you all actually use logic like we want what we cant have, etc.
Be easy brothas
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: Jvells]
#19404931 - 01/11/14 05:40 PM (10 years, 19 days ago) |
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Fuck therapists. They dont try to help because if you got better then you'd stop coming.
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1,439
Loc:
Last seen: 1 month, 20 days
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: empty space]
#19409575 - 01/12/14 06:30 PM (10 years, 18 days ago) |
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Well they tend to follow a script, I've met maybe one therapist before who genuinely cared about my thoughts and feelings plus offered real rational solutions to possible actions and consequences. It was just one session, but you can tell the good from the bad. Unfortunately the good hard to find.
OP, I'm happy that we've helped, at least even in the slightest.
Love and live, my man.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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volcomstoner
I'll have just one more xanax



Registered: 07/20/09
Posts: 11,231
Loc: Minnesnowta
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Re: These past 2 years have been total hell for me, fucking help [Re: MoxyOx]
#19416178 - 01/14/14 07:22 AM (10 years, 17 days ago) |
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Well im not sure if it was because of you posting with a phone or I'm just so fucked up, but having a hard time fully comprehending whats going on here. From what i got out of it, it seemed to be a pretty goddamn similar situation i was in what with, senior year, girl a year younger than me, ruined relationship becasue of drugs etc
So what you want to know is stay with the girl you're with now, or try to go back to the chick from your senior year? I'll re read this again later when i sober up and get some sleep, but are you sure that chick you're not with is even into you? if so, then what leads you to believe that?
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HAIL SATAN Vas donc jouer dans le traffic
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