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OfflineTycoda
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/13
Posts: 108
Last seen: 7 years, 11 months
How can I tell a guy I don't want to date him but keep both of our dignity?
    #19357890 - 01/02/14 10:54 AM (10 years, 29 days ago)

I have a date set up from an online dating site, and the guy i am going to meet is handsome and has a lot of interesting hobbies, but tbh i just do not feel any deep, satisfying pull toward him... just a bit of minor excitement at the prospect of going on a date, particularly since he mentioned on his profile being aggressive in bed. :blush:

I tried to give an authentic portrayal of myself, but it is not easy to do so in the relatively anonymous setting of an online profile, and somehow i have a feeling that he knows pretty much nothing about me, and is just inventing theories about me based on my interests. I have some esoteric ways, and no doubt it is easier to presume that i am some mystical person for that reason, but I really just a simpleton who finds enjoyment in focusing on the teaching of life. No doubt i have done the same towards him, in addition to having picked him mainly on the basis of his attractive looks.

Frankly, i think that it is because the online dating process is so shallow and superficial that has caused me to feel no deep, satisfying pull...

I am going to go on a date with him, and not go into the experience with any expectation of it so that i can just enjoy the day, but i feel like telling him about my lack of real attraction to him as soon as possible is the right thing to do. I am speaking of the attraction that compels us to take action, the attraction of one lifeform to another, and not simply the attraction toward physical body parts.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? would you wait until after the date to let him know that you are not really interested, or would you cancel the date?

How would you feel if somebody did either of those things to you?

I tried to tell him that i am just looking for friendship, but you know how it is online... a little flirt here, a little honesty there, and all of a sudden you're back on track to becoming soul mates before you have even met the person in real life! Lol, maybe i am just a freak.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: How can I tell a guy I don't want to date him but keep both of our dignity? [Re: Tycoda] * 2
    #19358312 - 01/02/14 12:42 PM (10 years, 29 days ago)

Quote:

Tycoda said:
What would you do if you were in my shoes? would you wait until after the date to let him know that you are not really interested, or would you cancel the date?



Go on the date. Make it clear that you're just looking to have a nice dinner/whatever and that you don't have a romantic interest yet and that if any actual attraction appears to be present, that it's a nice but unexpected bonus. So manage expectations. And then defer judgement until after the date. If you don't click like that, just text him afterwards that you had a nice time and thank him for the nice company, but that you're not going to fall for him romantically. If you do click...then just see where it'll take you.

Quote:

How would you feel if somebody did either of those things to you?



It's never nice to be rejected, but it's even less nice to be taken for a ride to find out the other person wasn't really into you to begin with.

Quote:

I tried to tell him that i am just looking for friendship, but you know how it is online... a little flirt here, a little honesty there, and all of a sudden you're back on track to becoming soul mates before you have even met the person in real life! Lol, maybe i am just a freak.



Yeah, I know. And anyone experienced in online dating also knows that most of the time, nothing really comes of it, so don't feel guilty or obliged because of this. It's a natural thing these days. There are ways to prevent it from happening; perhaps they can help:
- Evade too intensive contact or try not to flirt. The risk is that you come across as uninterested, but at least it keeps hopes to a manageable level. I personally suck at this, but it does work for many people.
- Meet up quickly! If you encounter someone online and there's a possibility that you like each other, try to meet within 14 days. In my experience, if you wait longer than that, you'll either never meet at all or hopes get up really high in one or both sides and the disappointment is all the bigger if you turn out not to click in real life.
- Be completely open about how you feel (difficult and risky, but can work). If you feel you're getting carried away or the other person is, then just say so, emphasize that it doesn't freak you out but that you do feel it's a good thing to curb your enthusiasm to prevent people from getting hurt.

But, in the end, I have to say...online dating is just a difficult game sometimes and most of the time when you contact someone, it just doesn't work. Maybe 1% of the initial contacts results in a successful meetup with romantic consequences. It can be hard to keep believing in that 1%, but it does pay off, in a way. And in my experience, it can be taxing to put yourself out there emotionally, but it's also the most genuine way to go about things. But hey, we all do it our own way!


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OfflineTycoda
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/13
Posts: 108
Last seen: 7 years, 11 months
Re: How can I tell a guy I don't want to date him but keep both of our dignity? [Re: koraks]
    #19358394 - 01/02/14 12:59 PM (10 years, 29 days ago)

Thanks, koraks. Your response was really thoughtful to me.

It has been a few weeks since I first contacted him, but we didn't meet because i couldn't afford the travel costs at the time. And sure enough, he told me that he has had thoughts about what to say to me buzzing in his head for that whole time. I have done the same thing to some extent, but i try to meditate at all times so that my imagination never gets out of control. It makes me worried, but i still can meditate to keep my worry at bay - and i will definitely take your excellent advice into consideration when the date is unfolding.

It's tough to meet nice guys since i am a guy myself but i do not like the alternative "gay" lifestyle at all... but after all of this difficulty with online dating, i am at the point where i think it will be 1000% better (for me at least) to just meet a guy at some kind of group activity or event.


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InvisibleShins
Fun guy
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Registered: 09/15/04
Posts: 16,337
Re: How can I tell a guy I don't want to date him but keep both of our dignity? [Re: Tycoda]
    #19359198 - 01/02/14 03:42 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

Uhh in my opinion you don't know if you have real chemistry until you actually meet.


--------------------
http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/


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Offlinesof4r0ckeRs1984
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Registered: 07/30/10
Posts: 1,886
Last seen: 5 years, 5 months
Re: How can I tell a guy I don't want to date him but keep both of our dignity? [Re: Shins]
    #19360224 - 01/02/14 06:57 PM (10 years, 28 days ago)

I feel he is trying to read some common cold tells from you which can look very flat. Could be a good guy with a lot of insecurity, could be a flat player who is trying to put up a front image that works for one night dating on the internet. Or maybe a very clueless online poker gamer who got to PU and tries to play routine moves with high continuity (I don't know if the second or third case are worse).

It's on you to decide if you'd trust him enough to crack his surface on the date or just eat, drink and sleep with him (if you like).
I think I'm with Koraks for the most part.

Don't fall in love with everyone on the internet, it's not a good idea.


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