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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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The Fall
#19357192 - 01/02/14 03:14 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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do you feel that you were good and pure and progressing up to a point in your life after which you 'fell'?
do you you feel you have been lost ever since or have you been able to recover to the level where you fell from?
if both or neither please share how you interpret your life if you're up to it..
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19357202 - 01/02/14 03:27 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19357205 - 01/02/14 03:30 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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i personally do have this kind of interpretation going.. i viewed my childhood as a very happy time and saw myself as a good person who was full of confidence and talked a lot.
around adolescence i got pretty messed up and amongst other things i broke up with my best mate, got mildly teased and my penis 'didnt work' which left me furiously trying to masturbate for many years and for a brief period when i was 16 i suspected i was the messiah (because they dont reproduce, obviously)
it is a weird thing that chastity and moral purity shit christians got going.
anywhoo from roughly that adolescent point i had trouble socializing and withdrew heavily, i also cultivated certain negative thoughts and habits and become introverted and non-communicative.
it can definately be seen as a fall imo...
interestingly several members on my mum's side had similar reactions to growing up so it could be genetic disposition as well as family outlook playing into it.
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19357223 - 01/02/14 03:38 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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Kids are cruel, and it's a tough age to get teased. I'm not going to spill too many beans I hate cleaning those little suckers up later. But yeah, once fucked up things are harder to get unfucked. You can never go back, you can't change shit. It's fucking done doodled.
But that's the way the ball rolls, and either you are on top and looking out over the hills and far away, or crushed under the dark suffocating weight.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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heh nicely said man.. the teasing was almost non existent for me compared to others.. just unfortunately placed imo and never dealt with... but right on gotta keep on truckin
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19357246 - 01/02/14 03:59 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: heh nicely said man.. the teasing was almost non existent for me compared to others.. just unfortunately placed imo and never dealt with... but right on gotta keep on truckin
For some reason, there are more jackasses per capita in high school than any other place on earth. The same jackasses get together fucking 40 years later to pat each other on the back and talk shit about the other people not there, yet again!
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19357299 - 01/02/14 04:34 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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I voted yes to falling and no to recovering.
Around the age of 12 - 13 I became very depressed and reserved. Most likely this was due to living alone with my mum who also became very depressed at that time due to chronic pain and who knows possibly other things too, but it was also due to becoming one of those kids at school with no friends really, who end up taking most of the shit 
Both of those things were just plain shit, and home and school are like your whole life at that age, so I changed a lot during that period. I developed all sorts of self-defeating mental habits and anxieties.
Then to now - I'm less withdrawn, less anxious, not necessarily depressed from a clinical standpoint, (I mean I experience pleasure here and there ) but I wouldn't say I've recovered. Those years shaped who I am today in a major way, I'm pretty sure I still had less anxieties before falling into that rut than I do now.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,534
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I fell as a child broken been healing since I was 3 still broken initially it was quite alarming then I realized broken is normal.
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birdland

Registered: 07/24/11
Posts: 2,202
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Quote:
broken is normal.
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Kickle
Wanderer


Registered: 12/16/06
Posts: 17,853
Last seen: 53 seconds
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From time to time I feel that way in the moment but not when looking backwards. I don't have any glory days to have fallen from. Its changed a lot to be sure but many changes were a product of dissatisfaction in the first place. Hard to say that dissatisfaction now is really a fall, its the same ole same ole.
Have I recovered? Yeah I never stay dissatisfied for long. It can spoil a lot of good things when present but I can also count on it fading away. Just last night I was pretty messed up so I sat on my couch. My girlfriend tried to console me, asked what she could do to help, etc. I was quiet for a minute then responded that nothing at all needed to be done. That I just needed to sit with the bubbling cauldron for a while without adding any new ingredients. So that's what I did for about 20 minutes and then I was able to play.
Sometimes its days or even weeks. But play and ease find there way back into the picture.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: The Fall [Re: Kickle]
#19358769 - 01/02/14 02:12 PM (10 years, 28 days ago) |
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"their" way. not there.
Ha ha the importance of playing the grammar Nazi!
My cat teaches me the importance of play. It relaxes us both. He waits for the play by sitting in his little box next to the bigger box with the play items.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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The5thElement
Smile Friends :)



Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 4,675
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 1 month
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I feel my life to be a steady uphill/downhill thing.
Things will be great for a bit, then really bad for a while. I honestly feel really alone, more so lately since christmas. I'm finding it really hard to actually care about anything, I keep thinking that things will get better but really nothings changing. Even thinking positive isn't really doing much which is strange because usually that helps somewhat.
Right now I feel like I should shave my head, move away and just start over but to be honest that would be really stupid right now. What I've found is that it really is hard to just start over, I mean people from my past have this image of who they think I am, and that is honestly so hard to change unless you make a drastic change that's obvious to other people.
That;s why I like meeting new people, they have no view of who you are other than your initial appearance and how you present yourself at that moment.
Have I fallen? I honestly don't know at this point, things could be so much worse to be honest.... I've definatly hit a wall and it's hard to get back from where I am right now.
Have I recovered? I don't know.
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn] 1
#19360177 - 01/02/14 06:47 PM (10 years, 28 days ago) |
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My life has been progressively improving since around the age of 13. It was pretty horrible before then and pretty awesome now, with good prospects.
Still, who knows what horrors the future may hold.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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I'm really glad for you brother. I'm always seriously grateful to hear someone having a better time of it. It's so seldom it seems to go that way.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Repertoire89
Cat



Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 21,773
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Still pretty challenging, working manual labor, living in poverty, dealing with the elements and a sometimes dangerous lifestyle. The difference is as a kid there was no music, drugs, sex, travel all the bads still here but the hedonism's been getting better
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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You are following my philosophy of making the best of a less than ideal condition. It works to a degree.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Quote:
redgreenvines said: I fell as a child broken been healing since I was 3 still broken initially it was quite alarming then I realized broken is normal.
Born Under A Bad Sign he's been down since he began to crawl
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,534
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see?!?! si!
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Quote:
redgreenvines said: see?!?! si!
you've been on this train for a while now
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,534
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what - she's like 14&1/2 cute tho'
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Rahz
Alive Again



Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,230
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19363681 - 01/03/14 02:34 PM (10 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
quinn said: i personally do have this kind of interpretation going.. i viewed my childhood as a very happy time and saw myself as a good person who was full of confidence and talked a lot.
around adolescence i got pretty messed up and amongst other things i broke up with my best mate, got mildly teased and my penis 'didnt work' which left me furiously trying to masturbate for many years and for a brief period when i was 16 i suspected i was the messiah (because they dont reproduce, obviously)
it is a weird thing that chastity and moral purity shit christians got going.
anywhoo from roughly that adolescent point i had trouble socializing and withdrew heavily, i also cultivated certain negative thoughts and habits and become introverted and non-communicative.
it can definately be seen as a fall imo...
interestingly several members on my mum's side had similar reactions to growing up so it could be genetic disposition as well as family outlook playing into it.

I think religion is a sign of a troubled mind, which puts most of the world in your fallen camp. At least that's the Monotheistic viewpoint. If there is any point in chastity and other moral convictions it points towards an experiment we're conducting within our minds... which is really the point of the 'fallen' state of mind and being at odds with it. I would urge you to reconsider how you interpret these changes you have experienced, or rather not be so quick to characterize it with a defining word. It is a mystery you have discovered. For a child that had a reasonably decent childhood there is a blissful ignorance that can persist for a decade or two. All of the changes during that time can be seen as positive, physically growing up, gaining more awareness and understanding of the world, and then at some point things take a turn. The world is not what it was imagined to be and it (and the self) become a mystery. The cognitive dissonance has to be dealt with before the mystery can even be taken seriously (and not so seriously).
I remember at the age of 6 I was at the county fair walking with my mother and we passed a couple kids, probably 13-14 years old. One of them had a paper roll that extended with a flick of the wrist and he amused himself by flicking it in my direction. It came within a couple inches of my face and shocked me. My mother got angry. The kids laughed. My mother said a few words and we walked on. I remember wanting those kids to die, both for upsetting me and my mother and for making it apparent that I was helpless in a manner of speaking, having another person (my mother no less) stand up for me. I was also completely confused why someone would do something like that to someone who had shown them no offence to begin with. I questioned (maybe not at the age of 7) where such offenses might begin. After all, if they were taking out a past aggression on me, where did that start? There was no answer. There still isn't though I suspect it's in our nature, a genetic disposition which developed long before humans did.
But from an experiential viewpoint the origin isn't important. How we learn to deal with our tendencies as they are revealed to us is the more pertinent work.
Not to say 'fallen' isn't the intuitive viewpoint, but to see that it was already in the cards, to see it's something to learn about and deal with rather than something to be shunned, discarded, or magically redeemed from, seems the better way of dealing with it. Don't spend all your time looking directly at the suffering (apparent content). The stillness remains and the context could be more valuable.
-------------------- rahz comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace "You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Quote:
redgreenvines said: what - she's like 14&1/2 cute tho'
nah she's maybe 15 3/4
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Jack yo Self foo
The Artful Dodger


Registered: 06/28/08
Posts: 3,096
Loc: Where the red fern grows....
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I think I've been up and down for as long as I can remember. It takes alot to be able to step back and assess the aftermath, or how you adapted/ changed in accordance to your surroundings.
I've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other; although, I am not too proud to admit it and I'd do it all the same again...and I probably will
I think I took this in a different direction than intended...
-------------------- You learn something new everyday, so be sure you learn something from it.
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Raven Gnosis
𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔠𝔦𝔡𝔞


Registered: 02/10/11
Posts: 1,311
Loc: Necoc Yaotl
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19366803 - 01/04/14 03:56 AM (10 years, 27 days ago) |
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As soon as I was old enough to begin expressing myself I started having trouble. Bottom line is, I disturbed people. Nothing too radically out of the ordinary, I just showed natural resistance to BS and was alienated, ostracized and demonized from a very young age because of it. I said things and asked things that very young children 'shouldn't' and didn't take orders without good reason.
For as long as I can remember, this caused issues for me. I was treated like I was sick, labeled with utter bullshit like oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD and medicated. All because I had a powerfully curious and independent mind as a very young child. I was in essence taught that who and how I was by my very nature was wrong. (I struggled a lot with self love and anxiety/anger issues in my pre and mid teen years for this reason.)
For this very reason, I feel like I have been one of the fallen, one of the outcasted since I was a very young boy and have identified with figures like Lucifer since my early years. It doesn't help any that people have called me the devil on several occasions, not for anything sincerely wicked, but for how I challenge their paradigm and at times disturb them through my very being...
-------------------- To be human is to be fettered, to endure what one is, in perpetuum, no matter what the debility or perversity.
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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I fight authority. This didn't work in school order must be maintained. Pay Attention! This didn't work at the job the boss said You're Fired! Didn't work in court judge said Pay Your Fine! Don't make me cite you for Contempt of Court!
The funny part is that courts, lawyers and judges are largely for profit privately owned ventures with huge slush accounts from money stolen the public. Follow The Money! That's the only thing authority fears, is to look into their shit. That's when lots of folks have taken falls, for reals.
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery



Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Welcome to the family. It's a good one to be in.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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liquidlounge

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 9,256
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Tough love Raven.
-------------------- As far as I assume to know...
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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cez

Registered: 08/04/09
Posts: 5,854
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Re: The Fall [Re: quinn]
#19367629 - 01/04/14 11:05 AM (10 years, 27 days ago) |
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The moment I fell out of my mother's vagina I was lost.
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: The Fall [Re: cez]
#19367634 - 01/04/14 11:07 AM (10 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
cez said: The moment I fell out of my mother's vagina I was lost.
Somewhere down the line?
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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liquidlounge

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 9,256
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Quote:
LunarEclipse said: Seriously, she's 19.
I don't understand.
-------------------- As far as I assume to know...
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Only you woulQuote:
liquidlounge said:
Quote:
LunarEclipse said: Seriously, she's 19.
I don't understand.
Figures, only you wouldn't get that one.
Here - 1:19, 2:19, and 3:19
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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liquidlounge

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 9,256
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-------------------- As far as I assume to know...
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quinn
some kinda love


Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 6,799
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Re: The Fall [Re: Rahz]
#19370274 - 01/04/14 09:00 PM (10 years, 26 days ago) |
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thoughtful post as always Rahz .. but i want magical redemption
-------------------- dripping with fantasy
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