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OZA
When the going gets weird.....



Registered: 03/29/12
Posts: 3,808
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
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Should I keep helping?
#19351240 - 12/31/13 01:45 PM (10 years, 30 days ago) |
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So my best friend is dating this girl who I've become pretty close with. They've been together for around 2 months and we chill every day up at college.
I don't know how to go into this so I'll start with saying they're both extremely dependent people. When either of the two get into bad moods, they'll need somebody besides their own self to dig them out of the mood. If they have a problem, they will make too much of it and need somebody else to help them fix it. I've become the person they ask to dig them out of holes and solve their problems. I love them both but they're truly some of the most helpless people I've ever known. I'm also one of the most independent people I know of at my age, so while I could help them, it often bugs me that they literally CANNOT help themselves.
Anyway, our college's Winter Break started and me and my best friend live around 4 hours from this girl, so it has been a bit of a long distance thing the past 3 weeks. One thing that came with Winter Break that wasn't present in the relationship before is that the two have arguments now. These arguments are often petty and overdone - give the same argument to me and a partner of equal independence and they'll be solved without a strong word or anything. It's really very basic. And of course arguments are problems - and all problems that either of the two have come to me.
So around 10 times so far this break it has happened that the two of them both texted me as they were arguing with each other. Every time this has happened I diffused the situation, but only after they each ask me what to say. So I'll give one person an ideal response and then have the other person ask me what to respond to that. It will happen until I'm writing both sides of the conversation before everything is forgiven and they're in love again. I literally am texting myself between the two of them. I'm not helping the relationship at this point - I am the fucking relationship.
I'm getting tired of it. I know without my help this relationship won't last a week and that is why I help. At the same time though, this relationship is toxic since it NEEDS my constant help and intervention. I'm at a loss in choosing what to do. I want this relationship to last for their sake, but not if every problem, every argument, and every tiny situation that doesn't matter at all blows each of them up until I come and sort everything out.
Do I just stop helping? What do I say? It's not that I offer to help - they come to me. I'm nervous every time I get a text from either of them just hoping that they don't need me to mediate. I'm not in a relationship right now for a reason: because I don't want to always deal with this shit. I had that earlier in the semester and I got out of it because I knew it wasn't worth it. I'm back at it again, except I'm not even dating somebody
What do I do guys/gals?
-------------------- The happiness consists in realizing that it is all a great strange dream.
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empty space
the void


Registered: 12/19/12
Posts: 1,120
Last seen: 6 years, 10 months
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Re: Should I keep helping? [Re: OZA]
#19354287 - 01/01/14 10:58 AM (10 years, 30 days ago) |
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It seems like they would be better off without each other. I don't think you are helping them by holding their hands through everything--quite the opposite really. If you want what is best for them, step away from the situation and let it play out.
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Bassfreak
ManBearPig



Registered: 08/24/10
Posts: 18,014
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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yeah def stop dude
if they werent meant to be (which seems to be the case) then it wasnt meant to be
-------------------- Tom Brady is a God Free Tom Brady
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koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
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Re: Should I keep helping? [Re: OZA]
#19354478 - 01/01/14 12:02 PM (10 years, 30 days ago) |
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Quote:
OZA said: Do I just stop helping?
I'm not sure if I'd call that helping, which you are doing now. Actual helping would be to tell them that they need to sort out their own arguments and that you'll be happy to talk to them separately if they want to confide in you. But telling both of them what to say so they can resolve their arguments isn't helping - it's puppeteering. And you have noticed by now that it's not a structural solution. So yeah, I would certainly stop that.
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OZA
When the going gets weird.....



Registered: 03/29/12
Posts: 3,808
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
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Re: Should I keep helping? [Re: Bassfreak]
#19354927 - 01/01/14 02:24 PM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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Yeah I'm going to just stop. They're great together, theyre just both SO bad at sorting out problems - not just with eachother but in general
-------------------- The happiness consists in realizing that it is all a great strange dream.
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the mad machinest
Medicine Man



Registered: 04/18/13
Posts: 4,249
Loc: parallel universe #420
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Re: Should I keep helping? [Re: OZA]
#19357662 - 01/02/14 09:22 AM (10 years, 29 days ago) |
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OZA I can very much relate to what you've described.
I am the independent person my buddy and his girl come to wen they're at each others necks. I recently had to tell them in a verry blunt but not rude way that they have issues that I can't bandaid for them any more and that they really should try to be more logical with each other. it's easier said then done I know.
but they have seemed to improve since I said that. so from my experience it was better to just leave them with some sound advice and hope that they can work it out...
at any rate I wish the best of luck and happiness to you and your friends
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OZA
When the going gets weird.....



Registered: 03/29/12
Posts: 3,808
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
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I told my buddy I've gotta back off and I phrased it in such a way that he wasn't insulted at all by it.. Hopefully this is all done
-------------------- The happiness consists in realizing that it is all a great strange dream.
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