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Anonymous #1

I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 * 1
    #19349110 - 12/31/13 01:05 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

That was actually the first time I cut myself. The last time was about 4 years ago. I went deep enough to make permanent scars. I don't show them to anyone, I actually thought of it more like a tattoo. People only accept mutilation if someone else does it to you, though.

Anyways, I don't want to sit here and have a therapy group, sometimes it's just nice to get off your chest what you're thinking and feeling.

I remember I was 13 though, the first time I thought "life might not be worth living." Now that my best friend has been buried, I'm running out of reasons to live.

Please don't blast this on the global warning system, I just want to talk about it. I still have a few reasons left to live, and I'm sure I'll pick more up eventually.

Just right now, resting your face on a shotgun sounds somewhat appealing.

I do not own a shotgun, or know anyone who has one.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #19349260 - 12/31/13 01:39 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Its not politically correct to condone suicide so I expect most people here will try to talk you down or some other such rot. If you want to get an honest discussion on the subject alt.suicide.holiday and alt.suicide.methods are the only places on the whole internet that I know. You will be greeted with the phrase, "Welcome to ASH, sorry you're here." Its traditional. I'm a long time ASHer myself so I can point you to it, it will be helpful. Catch the bus if you want, you're at the bus stop, you can get on any time you want. You know, nothing is stopping you from dancing with a train or hanging yourself. You can do it at any time, its an easy bus to catch, you don't need a shotgun. And some stay at he bus stop for years and then walk home. I have no point I guess except to invite you to alt.suicide.holiday and inform you that the shroomery is no place for this discussion, you'll get one of those global alerts on you before you know it and be the object of some gloating by a wise fool who doesn't understand us, who having betrayed you would be proud of "saving your life."

Whatever decision you make its your decision, don't ever let anyone else tell you to do it or not do it. Your life is your own. That is all.

Kindly.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #19349384 - 12/31/13 02:25 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Wow dude. Thank you for that. I'll check it out, I appreciate the no filter.


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Anonymous #3

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19350311 - 12/31/13 10:57 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Well I dont think anybody wants to encourage someone to die...I've had my own issues but suicide seems like a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Hey why not cut my dick off so I stop cheating on everyone


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Anonymous #4

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #19350338 - 12/31/13 11:06 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Man... killing yourself wont solve too much.. I believe you are caught up with your burden at death, to relive that last memory in some way or another.. be it suffering in the void or a reinkarnation..

anyway.. I have been there where I wanted to kill myself because the pain was too much of living, though I think it a foolish act and a weak one to do so...I have later been thinking about killing myself because there are just too many idiots in this world, but that would give the same problem... I decided to do what I saw me destined to, and be creative and wise and live my life the best way I can, giving advice to others along the way untill I am no longer capable of doing this and will find a nice painfull way to die..

If you are willing to die because live is too bad, then I suggest removing what makes it bad, and fuck about as you see fit.. live your life and all that.. if you wanted to kill yourself anyway, what does it matter.. you start pursuing hapiness, and then if you chose to, find your peace with everything, and you will die well. Good luck then;)


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Anonymous #5

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #19350382 - 12/31/13 11:21 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

permanent bad solution to a temporary problem

it will scar your family and everyone you know
but if you enjoy hurting those that you know, well....


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Anonymous #1

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #19350391 - 12/31/13 11:27 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

That's one of those few reasons I was mentioning. I had a very morbid talk with my father 5 years ago. He said don't ever do that because it would hurt him too much. All this "temporary" bullshit is, well, bullshit. Life is suffering.


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Anonymous #4

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #19350396 - 12/31/13 11:29 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Live is suffering to the humans, but not us gods..


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Anonymous #3

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19350402 - 12/31/13 11:31 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah well have you had no enjoyable experiences in life?

See buddha said that for a specific reason, which was NOT "go kill yourself, this shit sucks"


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Anonymous #6

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #19350751 - 12/31/13 01:20 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I've been there, op. Sometimes life is really shitty. But consider the fact that its really up to you to make your life worth living. Yeah, bad stuff happens all the time. Hell I'm living on my sisters couch and have no job and no car, but I don't care. I fought in a war, my buddy named his kid after me, I've been told I inspired people to make their lives have more meaning, I've loved and lost and loved again, I flat lined on my 16th birthday and had a conversation with angels, gotten beat down, handed out some beatdowns, and that's just the stuff I remember off the top of my head. None of that could have happened if I gave up, life is this journey that has so many surprising twists and turns, vistas and dark valleys. Go live it. Hell, if nothing else live to laugh at morons. The world is full of them, a lifetime of entertainment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #19350840 - 12/31/13 01:45 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Haha, a serious post that ended on a light note, I loved it.

Well guys, sometimes you just have to flirt with the idea a little bit to appreciate what you have. The kind words you all are sharing is helping. It's unfortunate I live with this kind of pain, knowing that it could happen. I know their are some people out there who don't think like this, and I envy this a little bit.

It is NYE today though, so I don't want to bring any body down. The days will continue to roll on, and I will be back here for sure whenever the going gets rough.

It's a really hard thing to talk about, so I don't like to bring it up. I'm not looking to make other people feel guilty because I feel like this or anything like that. If that's backwards sounding, good.

Anyways, happy new years to everyone. I'm trying to rescue an animal from a kill shelter, I hope today is finally the day.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19350894 - 12/31/13 02:02 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
That's one of those few reasons I was mentioning. I had a very morbid talk with my father 5 years ago. He said don't ever do that because it would hurt him too much. All this "temporary" bullshit is, well, bullshit. Life is suffering.



What is life itself but a temperary problem? Isn't death the only solution everyone has in the end? I don't know... People want to force their sick hopeful ideas down your throat and they do get some satisfaction from their delusions. I figuered out that depression is fear without hope. Most people escape depression by finding hope, doubling down on the lies about Jesus or some meaning to live which is rubbish so their fears seem less bad and bearable to them. Some escape by realizing there is nothing to fear because it doesn't fucking matter. In 100 years all the people giving you advice myself included will be dead. Thats the only thing in theis thread you should be sure about. And I'm not afraid of that and I'm not depressed because death and nonexistance are not at all scary to me. I think what most anti-suicide boils down to is that 99.99% of people are so utterly terrified of the idea of their own death and non-existance that they find it threatening to their own hopeful delusions to see someone that doesn't conform to their barnyard herd mentality... Its a trip and then it ends. No ifs ands or buts. Heaven and Earth will grant the same fate to Mother Theresa and Jeffrey Dahmer, Nelson Mandela and to Jeffrey Dahmer and even little old me and thats really all any of us deserve, to die. I look in the dark and laugh because its soft to me its lost its terror. I lost all my fear and that set me free. Or maybe try delusion and hope like everyone else and be more bogged down in the muck of deluded hope han ever before, or just die, in the end it probably doesn't even matter what you do. Its your choice. Good luck to you.


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Anonymous #7

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #19351897 - 12/31/13 06:58 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

once you "opt out" you can't "opt in"


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Anonymous #4

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #19351900 - 12/31/13 06:59 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

You can never really opt out man.. you can only let it show or not..


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Anonymous #8

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #19353694 - 01/01/14 06:28 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Does anyone else find it amusing that there's long term members of suicide forums?


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Anonymous #9

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #19356151 - 01/01/14 10:31 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

No, it's not really amusing. It's really a shame that people spend years stuck in crushing depression battling with suicide ideation due to whatever reasons.

OP:

Get help sooner rather than later. Depression is a bitch and even a few years of suicidal depression is way too much to waste.

A suicide is like a fragmentation grenade going off. Stops everyone in their tracks at the very least and sends shrapnel of sorrow into the souls of those closest into them usually scaring them for life.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #19356760 - 01/02/14 02:23 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #8 said:
Does anyone else find it amusing that there's long term members of suicide forums?



No. People have to take their own time though. Some choose quickly and some do not. I have seen people who spent years planning the perfect suicide the way a bride plans a wedding, only to realize it was the hope of release that gave them hope at all and any reason to live, and then go on to apparently live a normal existance.

I don't believe any person has the right to dictate to any other person what to do with their own life. And I also think it is not a decision which should be made hastily, as its irrevokable once done. Better to spend time and be sure or to spend time and change the mind or just spend the time thinking the matter through seriously than act hastily, as its irrevokable once done. A life and death choice is no time for hasty decisions imo.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #19356772 - 01/02/14 02:28 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #9 said:


OP:

Get help sooner rather than later. Depression is a bitch and even a few years of suicidal depression is way too much to waste.




Now that the holiday buzz is over. I'm glad this topic is getting attention without me having to baby sit it. it's actually quite the serious subject.

i don't know where to get help. i've tried to talk to my mom about it, but there's always been this shame attached to it. she gets upset that i feel this way. i've told her about the cutting, showed her the wounds because I NEEDED HELP.

we've never spoken about it again. when you tell someone close to you about this stuff and it get's ignored (this seriously isn't the first time she's either shrugged it off or awkwardly laughed to try to ease the tension) you get this negative reinforcement loop going.

im very good at distracting myself from these thoughts, but they are always prevalent. what. the. fuck. do. i. do.


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Anonymous #10

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19357115 - 01/02/14 04:29 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I always convinced myself to go get high before I started getting too suicidal. Did that for a couple years, and got to a point where life seemed worth living. Pretty much went sober after that. Except for weed and psychedelics. But anyway, I'm very happy to be alive now.


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Anonymous #9

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19357682 - 01/02/14 11:30 AM (7 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
i don't know where to get help. i've tried to talk to my mom about it, but there's always been this shame attached to it. she gets upset that i feel this way. i've told her about the cutting, showed her the wounds because I NEEDED HELP.

we've never spoken about it again. when you tell someone close to you about this stuff and it get's ignored (this seriously isn't the first time she's either shrugged it off or awkwardly laughed to try to ease the tension) you get this negative reinforcement loop going.




I don't know what age you are and what sort of insurance coverage you have, but you need to insist on getting help. If you mom continues to ignore your cries for help, you should speak to your primary care physician about a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist. They will not brush it off like your mom has in the past.

If you are in college, most have some sort of mental health counseling and they should be able to point you the appropriate health care provider.

If you are uninsured/poor/a minor, then there are typically county or state resources you should have access to though finding out where to go can be difficult. Don't let the bureaucratic mess discourage you though. Help is worth it.

The social stigma against seeking help for mental health issues is a bunch of bullshit. Do not let it prevent you from seeking help.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #19358269 - 01/02/14 02:35 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

For the record I am not a minor, I'm in my mid twenties.

I'm never going to get what I want out of life, I'm not sure a therapist can help me with that other then giving me techniques on how to deal with a shitty hand being dealt.


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Anonymous #9

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #19360014 - 01/02/14 08:16 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

I was just throwing it out there just in case.

You realize that sort of defeatism is classic depressive thinking, right?

If self-harm is involved I am sure a psychologist/psychiatrist is going to recommend medication as a first line treatment. It's helpful no doubt, but long-term studies have shown that therapy and medication are more effective than just medication. Talk therapy tends to be very cathartic for many and therapists can certainly help give you tools to deal. Talk therapy helps you take inventory of your thoughts and helps you frame them in an appropriate context that does not involve self-harm.

A shitty hand being dealt never ever helps, but if you've been suicidal since 13 then it likely isn't just a shitty hand being dealt.  There are people with way shittier situations and way less opportunity who do not self-harm. I know that's not reassuring and perhaps even somewhat discouraging, but it's the truth.

You can get what you want out of life. You may feel old and burned out, but you are young and have years ahead of you. You can turn things around and you deserve to. Do you really want to spend more years feeling miserable?

Had recurring thoughts of suicide since I was 10 until my mid-twenties. Took a near death experience or two to make me realize that wallowing in depression for years was a bunch of bullshit. Been there done that. Wish I had ignored the negative people in my life who attached a stigma to getting help for psychological issues and gotten help sooner.

Good luck!


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Anonymous #1

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #19360026 - 01/02/14 08:18 PM (7 years, 2 months ago)

The kicker is I feel like I was born in the wrong body. I DO NOT like to talk about that. It's how I feel.

I will take your advise on the therapy and medication.


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Anonymous #11

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24172456 - 03/18/17 04:31 PM (3 years, 11 months ago)

i appreciate serious posts and experience of other i do try therapy and the whole list of psych meds not the good ones the allegedly more effective less "addictive" ones if i can take so much xanax it is because it is actually helpful in thought stops considerably non addictive meaning it works, and good sleeping pills work self meddication i assumed this thread was worse until i actually looked at the first post iy id hostile how i feel is not impressed sober or confused about basically whatever the fuck
Either im fucking done mentally or there is no way not to post anonymous but i don't was to find where i said i wouldnt but I've been wrong and said opposite fuck the anonymous featureThis thread is bullshit i will clarify not anonymously  I wanted to only get high and really not live a long life. I couldn't figure out which way if I really thhought even when not high and can't say drugs aren't really helping it. let it be known bullshit idont give a fuck what i wrote if i can't tell what memories are mine or what where they happened. i just fundamentally thought dying was not as unclear as live and kind of have to agree that i should learn to not or actually do something, I might consider trying if stimulants are not going well but then I want to organize everything every aspect and just don't and I just want life that is not like mine. Im coming down and i dont fucking care what instinct compulsive mindless shit i say other than how do i avoid stimulants in particular if i dont control it

That is not dying I've been on meth i think at last night and slept 12 hours before meth and before sleep before the sleep in 4 days a bottle of 60 30mg fuck you calculator i don't care adderall tablets was empty and I don't really give a fuck as to what i say sober high or anywhere in between. I mean if I did try to die i guess it really wasn't important because i don't recall much at now other than what the fuck


Edited by Anonymous (03/18/17 04:40 PM)


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Anonymous #12

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #24206846 - 03/31/17 12:42 AM (3 years, 11 months ago)

I personally believe that people who think that someone who is suffering to a degree they no longer want to live are 'selfish' for making them sad....are far more selfish. I mean, that argument is basically 'idc how bad you feel you have to stay for my sake so I don't feel sad'. I mean, you can let someone know that you really don't want them to die without guilt-tripping them :/

That said, I've been long-term depressed in the past- for me, getting out of it was a matter of finding a social set that didn't believe 'not normal' was a horrible-terrible-bad thing. (I'm a schizo who sees psychedelic-type 'visuals', as well as being agender) Once I'd replaced 'friends' who expected conformity at all costs...and some who were just awful people... with decent ones who didn't, a basic antidepressant and some self-directed-study on psychology (stuff that affected me, stuff on why 'normal' people are like they are, coping strategies etc) was enough to get me to a point where I could begin getting the rest of my life into a shape I could be happy with.... it took some time, but these days I don't need the antidepressants, and don't revert to '...well, this is all hopeless and unbearably awful...' so easily.

Something to consider is that while many people who /don't/ have major factors leading to depression will knock medication as being some sort of crutch, or not being 'the real you'.... it's just like any other situation where something in your body (in this case, possibly something in your serotonin/rewards system, if you've been that depressed since 13) isn't doing its job properly or has external factors borking it, and needs some chemical assistance to level out. If an antidepressant and/or counselling can help get you to what neurotypical people would consider 'baseline', it's worth considering.


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Anonymous #13

Re: I've wanted to kill myself since I was 13 [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24864756 - 12/23/17 11:13 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

what are your sexual preferences?


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Community >> Shroomerites Anonymous

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