Ever since I woke up on Christmas after alcohol poisoning, I have been feeling massive regret towards everything I've done.
"I felt no guilt til I was caught and I was told that I was guilty, and even then I wasn't really sure. But the thing I felt was guilt itself, or maybe it was something else? Frustration at the fact that I was ever caught at all."
That describes how I've been feeling. Before, I didn't feel any guilt towards my drug use. In fact, it felt justified. "Oh... I can take this or that, I deserve it." I constantly felt like there was a hidden message being sent to me from the universe, and most of the time I would decode it and just live in this weird limbo like state of psychedelic occurrences while sober-ish. I've had like 4 or 5 ODs in the past 6 months, and I never felt any resent or shame and guilt towards them.
"Holy shit... I almost died cause I took a fuckton of drugs! Since I'm still alive, that must mean I'm pretty tough and should take more drugs, just not as much as then! Woo, lesson learned." That was my thought process after ever near death experience on drugs. Luckily, my girlfriend doesn't know about every OD, but she knows about a few..... and I feel so fucking terrible NOW. After they happened, I didn't give a shit that I put the girl I love through one of the worst experiences possible: having a loved one almost taken away. And to make matters worse, I know how that feels. In fall of 2012, I was dating this girl who tried to kill herself 4 days before my bday..... That was so fucking awful and sent me towards a terrible depression, but she also ended up breaking up with me on my birthday.
Why would I put the people I love through this BULLSHIT? Why do I make my family worry about me? Why did I do the things I did? How am I still alive....? I ask myself these things everyday and wonder what led me to my choices. But, I was just reminded of how much I dislike my mother. And I remembered that a lot of my choices had to do with getting rid of an inner hatred towards myself, being massively depressed since childhood, and having a bitch for a mom. She is constantly putting me down and making fun of me and pointing out my faults and making it seem like I'll never amount to anything..... then has a completely 180 and is all "awww your my boy" or "what me to make you anything? need something?" It's confusing as fuck to me.
Fuck, I guess I have a lot of shit to figure out. Sad thing is, I'm very smart and I know how to figure my shit out. I just haven't because of my boohoo-woe-is-me issues. Fuck this piercing bullet of emotional distress that has gone through my heart. I guess this is what it's like to feel. All this feeling at once is so much..... But I guess I had to feel all that unfelt emotion at some point. I just needed to rant and shroomery is always my outlet.
-------------------- I fucking hate you... God damn, I love you... But we both know if we stick together, we'll just tear ourselves apart You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey You are my heroin, but there's an abscess... God damn, I miss the vein!
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