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Offlinehuckafar
Stranger
Registered: 12/29/13
Posts: 1
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
My personality dissolved and I felt it come back one piece at a time
    #19339995 - 12/29/13 02:04 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

This happened about a year ago. It was probably my 7-8 time eating shrooms. But this time was profound/unique/interesting/scary on a level far beyond anything I’d experienced previously. It started out like a normal trip, though a bit more vivid. It progressed to amnesia, loss of self, and then experiencing my mind rebuild itself one piece at a time.

——TRIP REPORT——

I had set aside the afternoon for a shroom trip. I was off from work. I had the apartment to myself. It’s hard to quantify quite how much I ate, because it was in a chocolate bar, but it wasn’t the most I’d ever eaten. Perhaps this batch was stronger than what I’d had previously.

I watched TV and waited for them to kick in. My ceiling has a bumpy/popcorn texture to it and I use this as my gauge. If I look up and the ceiling flows like streams, it’s working.

The ceiling started flowing. I started feeling good. Really good. I decided to lay on the couch with headphones and get into some music. That was fun. Next I entered the blanket world. I don’t know if this is a universal shroom thing, but man it should be. I like to get completely under a cozy blanket:
1. so I’m cozy
2. so I can see visuals in the darkness.

I call this the blanket world. I get in the blanket world and it feels like I’m floating around in space.

I floated around in the blanket world for a bit. Then I started feeling AMAZING. I took the music off, left the blanket world, then just sat on the couch and experienced it. It’s hard to put into words, but I felt like I was enveloped in all the love in the world. Pure love. For a little bit my brain kept telling me that I loved my girlfriend more than anything and that I needed to propose to her (which is a thing I’d been avoiding (and still have not done)).

After a bit, I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes. The visuals were vivid now. It was like I was flying through a city made of geometric shapes in pastel colors. Lots of purples and yellows. It was incredible. Then all the “buildings” started to have Simpsons-type faces scrolling across them. Mostly Homer shapes. In my mind I believed that this was what my soul looked like, and that, since I’d spent so much time watching The Simpsons growing up, The Simpsons had become a part of the fabric of my being. Maybe it has. I’m OK with that.

I spent hours between listening to music, blanket world, lying on the couch, thinking, all the normal stuff. Then the trip felt like it had run its course. I was starting to come down. I decided to smoke a little weed to help me level out, and then try to take a nap.

This was a big mistake.

I should have remembered a previous experience. One night I ate a small amount of shrooms and it didn’t effect me. Four hours went by. Nothing. I decided to smoke weed and go to bed. Boom. As soon as I smoked, the shrooms kicked in. I was stuck on a shroom trip for a hours when I just wanted to go to sleep. Should have learned. Weed=shroom power boost.

I smoked weed, as planned. I tried to take a nap, as planned. The next thing I knew, I woke up. I didn’t wake up from sleep, in my bed. I was already awake. I was standing in the hallway. But I had just woken up into consciousness, and I had near-total amnesia.

Questions raced through my head. Who am I? What day is it? Where am I? Is this my apartment? Is anyone else here? I was paralyzed in place because I was afraid to find out the answers. Not only did I not know these things, but I had no short-term memory. I would figure one thing out, and it would be gone again. This felt terrible and it was very scary. The things that I did remember, and had to keep reminding myself for comfort were that I was feeling this way because I ate mushrooms, and that my girlfriend would be home later and she would be able to help me. I had to remind myself a lot, because I was in bad shape.

The amnesia phase felt really long, and I was terrified. I slowly became able to piece things together, but I jumped to a lot of bad conclusions in the process. At one point I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t at work. I wasn’t sure if I was sick. This wasn’t long after the Sandy Hook shooting, and my next conclusion was that I was home because I was hiding from the police, because I was the Sandy Hook killer. I 100% believed that this could be true and it was scary.

Slowly, I regained my memory. I remembered who I was. I remembered what city I was in. I remembered that I was in an apartment. I remembered that I'm not a murderer. Etc. I got my memory back, but my personality was still in the process of putting itself back together. The next phase was one of the most profound and interesting experiences of my life.

It’s difficult to describe this part. It’s almost like my brain was rebooting. I knew that certain parts of my self were off, and I knew when they turned on again. For example, I started thinking about all my friends and coworkers. I started thinking about how awesome they all were and how much I liked them. I wanted to take out my phone and start emailing/texting everyone to tell them all how great they were. These were genuine feelings. I do like all these people a lot. I had to stop myself from doing it. I knew I shouldn’t because I was on mushrooms, but I didn’t know why beyond that. There was no filter. Then there was an exact moment when I knew that filter had turned back on. I had a flood of thoughts, telling me that everyone would think I was weird if I did the things I wanted to do. I was once again worried about being judged.

I think I had this sensation with several more areas of thought, but I don’t remember the others that well. The judgement section was the one that stood out the most.

Eventually I returned to being a complete-brained sober human being. I even had time to spare before my girlfriend came home. I have not done mushrooms since, but only because I haven’t had the opportunity. In terms of pure emotion, this trip brought me to some of my highest highs (surrounded by love, Simpsons soul) and lowest lows of my entire life (amnesia). The part where I felt the areas of my brain reactivating was an incredible insight into the way brains works. I’m still amazed by it. I don’t know that I would want the experience again, but I’m glad it happened to me once.

I don’t know that the trip has had any lasting effect on me so far. I haven’t found a way to apply anything from it to my life or way of thinking. If anything, it illuminated just how much our selves are a product of the biological and chemical goings-on of our brains. Maybe if I was a psychologist I would have gotten some useful research out of it. Still, it was an interesting, amazing experience and I don't regret it.


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OfflineSlate
Visionary
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Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 60
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: My personality dissolved and I felt it come back one piece at a time [Re: huckafar]
    #19340062 - 12/29/13 02:42 AM (10 years, 1 month ago)

I've had similar experiences with DXM and Ketamine.


Edited by Slate (01/04/14 03:08 PM)


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