Short and sweet--I'm newb to the shroomery society but over-experienced in Lysergic, Methylenedioxy and prescribed serotonin reuptake inhibitor sedation since the '80s. Six million stories--I'm sure mine ain't the least nor most interesting, but here goes. Adopted away from a 13yr old mom in '77, raised on a tobacco farm with alcoholic fishermen, and a Harold Camping following father; diagnosed with ADD @ GW Univ. in '84, kicked out of private Catholic school within weeks (conditions as "sedation" refused by parents). Public school train wreck; cardboard box placed around/top of desk 4th-5th grade for blinders (awesome social/confidence treat). 6th grade--sedation for ADD/Depression starts (88). Ritalin, Desipramine, Lithium, Prozac, Clonidine, Klonopin, Adderall, Zoloft, Xanax (still on) and several others <month trials. Needless to say--by the age of 16 I was well trained in addiction and withdraw, but not so much with sobriety and normalcy. @17 my high-school-heart got ripped out an $hit on so I grasped the only thing I could find worth clinging to--Baltimore and D.C. raves and cid. Rise, Dieselboy, Frankie Bones, DB, etc. Everyone I went with were somewhat similar--seeking escape, but when they got there--they found it in happiness; in dance, etc. I was the wallflower rocking baggy jeans, long black hair and a puke stained NIN shirt (way before Emo was whatever it is). Short-story loop; 3x a week @ raves for about 2 years, cid every time, meth, glass, whatever else--as presented (no needles!). always bought enough to get me through the non-rave days in "the sticks" and easily did over 200-300 hits one year, 17hits was my personal max, had a friend do 31 once while he was with me. My trips were rarely "good" because of pre-existing anxiety and possibly attention problems--so most "non-rave" settings were heavily supplemented w/weed & alcohol. I loved the bad trips for some reason, I'm introverted and longing alternate thought/reality so I felt like a fighter pilot at times (like I would know what that even feels like..). Somewhere along the line--I think after/during a candyflip; possibly stretched across a month long binge--I developed a metaphysical belief of solipsism. For those that don't know or don't want to look it up: it meant I felt that life only existed in my head and that everything was a test of some sort. I grew to a non-functional state, but it was intense and better than the suicidal roller-coaster that got me there, so.. I kept rebuilding and learned coping mechanisms while trying to silence the voices of paranoia. I quit everything except alcohol (great "temporary" anxiety relief), then gradually picked up weed again, then got into really--really hard times because of my love of alcohol. (Don't ask, just imagine the worst case scenario of DWI accidents with close friends) So--a decade after leaving LSD because of anxiety developed somewhere in there--I reached out and found MDMA to grasp onto with remaining friends.. Fast-forward a decade of down, self-realization, improvement, etc.. great job re-secured, health mastered, karma = deposited every possible chance, but I recently hit a hard time of "why"? I shouldn't have to explain this--it's not that life is hard; I mean--I did some really bad $hit and simply closing the curtains would be way too easy, and I enjoy many things: music, art, nature, good news, etc. but the question of "why" was there in almost every action--harder than ever before. I was a decade past really, really bad $hit that I should have called it quits on, and I was in total control for once--so I thought. Perfect health, great career, about to graduate college @ 3.95GPA but I felt emptier than ever. I owe more than I can ever pay, but I paid more than expected and the payees would probably agree that I needed a last page more than another of the same story. Thankful to "the interwebs" this time--I reached out to look for something to grasp onto and you were there. It's a strange cycle, but I had to follow my roots and plot on the only pattern that ever worked: escape/enlightenment/journey.
Thank you to all that teach; that carry-on; that improve--even if "we're not worthy", you again saved a cat--stretching out several ninth's!
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