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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Brain not working
#19314852 - 12/23/13 05:55 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and the doctor has me on depakote and abilify. He tried me on a bunch of other anti-psychotics and they all just make me feel like shit. I'm having trouble distinguishing between it being the medication I am on or if I am feeling these symptoms because of the illness.
My mom tried talking with me and for 10 different questions all I could say was yes and no. I would try to say something else, but I couldn't even get out the words.
I feel like a fucking zombie and feel no emotion at all. I can't even say I feel depressed, it is just a feeling of not having emotions. I want to feel excitable again and happy, but the doctor insists that when I am manic I am too happy.
I'd rather be too happy than this feeling of never being happy again. I want to just say fuck the meds, but then there is the fear of having another spell of psychosis. It just seems like there is no way to win in this situation.
Just needed to let this out somewhere.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Odds of never having another episode of psychosis prompting hospitalization after an initial episode were at or above 60% before psych meds came out. It's a LOT lower now.
I've had about every anticonvulsant, antidepressant, sleep aid, etc. and all I can tell you is get out while you still can man.
The worst part was when I was "stabilized" on Seroquel and some other shit and my fellings didn't sync up to what was happening and I worried a lot about this itself.
PM me if you'd like and hang in there 
Your pancreas, liver, brain, and... well, pretty much all the rest of you will thank you but you MUST taper off medicine.
I cold-turkeyed off Depakote last time and I had rage issues for a couple days just from having adapted a little to being zombified.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Caddilac
(*'


Registered: 11/19/13
Posts: 469
Loc: WY.
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: st1llnox]
#19314901 - 12/23/13 06:19 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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Ya by the sounds of you, you have a high intellect. You'll be better. I've kinda went crazy myself. It's. just being able to function it than it functioning you. And it becoming just yourself.
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Tycoda
Stranger

Registered: 12/23/13
Posts: 108
Last seen: 7 years, 11 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: Caddilac]
#19315203 - 12/23/13 08:29 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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It gives me sadness to hear your situation, and I hope you find a path to wellness. If I may ask, based on your memory of the past, what did you feel in your chest whenever you were about to enter a so-called "manic" phase?
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: Tycoda]
#19315326 - 12/23/13 09:08 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I would get feelings in my chest like I was having a panic attack at times. That is another thing I am dealing with at the moment. When I am around people I start to feel like I am doing something wrong and get anxious.
It feels like my emotions are hypersensitive to external surroundings. You know the feeling where you are asleep and someone wakes you up with a loud noise? It feels almost exactly like that. I think it has to do with me falling into my mind so much.
The medication just isn't doing anything for the positive and it blows. I see my psychiatrist on the 6th, so maybe I'll just quit taking my meds till then and see how I feel.
The hardest part is doing this around all the family for Christmas. They know I am going through some mental shit, but it's really hard for them to understand that I'm not the same person in my head.
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st1llnox
dx'd PTSD/ADHD--please don't ask



Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 7,312
Loc: 913 KANSAS CITY 816
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
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Rhizo, I remember a time before I'd made blatant factual corrections about pharmacology to doctors when I thought much as you do and when I figured that there can't be THAT big of a total quackfest going on without people picking up on it.
I was wrong.
And I remember being terrified that I'd lapse into a psychosis again. I remember feeling trapped on the meds but afraid I'd lose my mind when I went off them.
Turns out that sometimes unemployed DXM addicts know more than doctors on some things.
Trust your instincts and remember that you don't have to believe everything you think.
Even if you do have recurring psychosis, you'll likely be able to start identifying it super easily. That said, statistically, you're more likely to have recurring psychosis if you stay on meds and I'll double-check that and cite if you'd like. Most of these meds cause brain damage, too; they literally shrink and figuratively rot away your brain; most function like a lobotomy did based on where they dampen brain activity.
-------------------- Back, bitches. st1lln0x: so i'm on weed, temazepam, adderall, dexedrine, dxm, dph, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, tryptophan, GABA, and kratom Cavemen_savemen: st1lln0x, do you feel like a robot yet? st1lln0x: I feel like a fucking Gundam Click to friend me on Steam for Counter-Strike
IS LIFE SKULLFUCKING YOU!? HAVE SOME FREE MORALE! Click if you want to feel you alone can do it! Click if you want to feel confident and beastly! Click if you want courage to let go and move on! And click the message if you need someone to talk to -- I'll understand, even if we "hate" each other on here
  
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Tycoda
Stranger

Registered: 12/23/13
Posts: 108
Last seen: 7 years, 11 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: st1llnox]
#19315757 - 12/23/13 11:23 AM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I understand how you feel, Rhizo. I was once diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and the psychosis of it manifested in a very similar manner to what you described. By that, i mean to say that i was hypersensitive to every noise and every moment of others, and it was intensely difficult.
I cannot say what may work ideally for you, but there are means of grounding the mind without the use of drugs. Meditating on an affirmation helps, as does finding a physical object which acts a conduit to reality - for example you can focus on the flame of a candle, while striving to push out all other thoughts, for 5 minutes per day. Personally, i fill the blank periods with a prayer to my spirit, but there are lots of other helpful phrases.
Here is a helpful explanation provided by a member of another forum that discusses meditation:
"Stray thoughts acts much like fire, as long as you keep on pouring gasoline on it, it keeps on burning, when you stop, the fire dies.
The same goes for stray thoughts, as long you keep on giving them attention in your mind, they will keep on coming back, when you ignore them and focus back on your meditative concentration you will notice that over time and with perseverance the stray thoughts will become less and less."
So if you can find a way to stop pouring fuel on those schizophrenic thoughts, then slowly they will become quieter. And as they become quieter, your own inner voice can speak over them until you conquer them completely.
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: Tycoda]
#19315903 - 12/23/13 12:11 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I'm definitely thinking, fuck these meds. I'm gonna take 2 weeks off from them and see if I notice a change in my mood.
I just went out to lunch with my dad and it was insanely packed from all the holiday shoppers and it just turned into a constant battle in my mind. These medications don't seem to be helping with my internal dialogue at all.
An example of the voices I hear is when someone says something I will hear a voice say "say this" or "say that" and I start telling the voices to "shut up". I'm having conversations with myself in my head and it seems to get bad when I am put in "stressful" situations. It's shitty cause I am always questioning my sanity. I can't even remember what it was like when my brain functioned "normally".
I feel 10 times better that I am back to my room in isolation. Eventually I will have to force myself to start a normal life even if these symptoms don't improve. It's just hard adjusting to this new way of thinking and I need a little time. My dad has been pushing finding a job on me every time I see him and he just WON'T understand what is going on with me. It's like it's an illusion that I am going through all this shit even though I explain to him how fucked up I feel and think.
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Hygrocybe
Walkin Wonderland



Registered: 06/06/09
Posts: 1,227
Last seen: 4 months, 30 days
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Get support for coming off the meds and learn about alternatives like cognitive behavior therapy.
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circastes
Big Questions Small Head



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 8,781
Loc: straya
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: Hygrocybe]
#19318510 - 12/23/13 09:15 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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If it's as bad as hearing voices in your head, don't come off the medication. Go on a better medication, specifically, ask about Clozapine, which has been known to work wonders but has a strict protocol involving lots of tests especially in the first week.
And you're right it's not depression, it's "flat affect", a feature of schizophrenia. It's a negative symptom. Most schizophrenics describe themselves as "emotionally empty".
Good luck man, it can get better. Seriously try Clozapine.
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: circastes]
#19337384 - 12/28/13 02:54 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I feel wonderful today, it has only been a few days since I stopped taking my meds, but my outlook on life is getting better. Those meds made me feel hopeless and like there is no way of getting out of this.
I am starting to piece my mind back together and not feel so trapped. I feel like that psychosis was temporary, but in response they pumped me full of meds that made me feel worse.
My mind is different than it used to be, but it may just be something I have to live with. I never really understood how labeling someone with mental illness could be so detrimental to your health, but since I have changed my outlook on how my mind is working I don't feel as bad.
We'll see how this goes in the following months. I'm working on training my mind right now, so hopefully I can get it back to what I feel is normal thought. That is the biggest problem I am having, what is normal thought?
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Tycoda
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/13
Posts: 108
Last seen: 7 years, 11 months
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it is very gladdening to me to read that you are feeling better. take care of yourself, friend, but do not burden yourself with uncertainty or self-doubt should you ever relapse into old thinking patterns, because your life-affirming progress will always wait for you, and it will never judge you for making mistakes or for returning to confusion and perplexity.
never worry about whether a thought is normal or not, but instead concern yourself with whether it is life-affirming or not, since only life-affirming thoughts produce life-affirming actions, and then finally life-affirming results from which joy, accomplishment, and peacefulness are the rewards. be life-affirming in your thoughts toward yourself, and slowly but surely it will also unfold toward others, as well.
Edited by Tycoda (12/28/13 10:57 PM)
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circastes
Big Questions Small Head



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 8,781
Loc: straya
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: Brain not working [Re: Tycoda]
#19342473 - 12/29/13 04:47 PM (10 years, 1 month ago) |
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I'm on Risperdal Consta and it's not affecting me negatively in any noticeable way. I used to think it was but I was just suffering the effects of the illness. It doesn't make you into a zombie. Maybe at extreme doses it will but any medication at extreme doses will do that...
Don't put down the medications just because it's big pharma, thousands of people test these drugs before they reach the market and the medical community is interested in treating and eventually curing mental illness, they are not evil scientists, but this current gen is the best they can do for the moment. Clozapine has worked a lot of wonders for mentally ill people only it has rarely been deadly so there's this huge protocol surrounding its use now.
I will probably be going on Clozapine soon. My brother is on it and has dramatically improved. I am however improving through natural means it's just that I'd like to finish it all off and get back to my life so I'm about to try it.
So much distrust of these medications... Schizophrenia is some serious shit and I wouldn't leave it untreated. You won't even realise you're crazy.
-------------------- My solitude... My shield... My armour... TESTED WITH FULL FORCE
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lessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
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Quote:
Rhizohunter said: I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and the doctor has me on depakote and abilify. He tried me on a bunch of other anti-psychotics and they all just make me feel like shit. I'm having trouble distinguishing between it being the medication I am on or if I am feeling these symptoms because of the illness.
My mom tried talking with me and for 10 different questions all I could say was yes and no. I would try to say something else, but I couldn't even get out the words.
I feel like a fucking zombie and feel no emotion at all. I can't even say I feel depressed, it is just a feeling of not having emotions. I want to feel excitable again and happy, but the doctor insists that when I am manic I am too happy.
I'd rather be too happy than this feeling of never being happy again. I want to just say fuck the meds, but then there is the fear of having another spell of psychosis. It just seems like there is no way to win in this situation.
Just needed to let this out somewhere.
Being manic is normal after tripping I am god/eternal/a soul in body!:-) You are too:-) The soul is perfect !:-), peace :-) etc. , usually temporary, but the happiness lasts
Not feeling emotions/and like shit is normal on the pills they often prescribe Not feeling any emotions other than happiness is normal after tripping too for a while .. :-) why would anyone regret that? I know one with schizophrenia, he says the pills they prescribe him feels like someone put something over you (like a cheese bell)
Wouldnt mind hearing what your psychosis symptoms were?
If you say fuck the pills, you should know that you should gradually tap off them they have been so smart so if you stop them abruptly they will give you a psychosis, many of the pills they prescribe of course the other risk is them finding out you didnt take your meds, but it is a free country
you can do what you want, it is your choice but would go off them very slowly if I were to stop them (google info on them) they can actually give a psychosis that is worse than you had previously, i.e. make you self-harm if you quit them abruptly (some pills can give a huge depression if stopping abruptly)
but Ive never taken them I just seem to know...
just remember to keep picking up your pills at the pharmacy if you stop taking them, so it looks like you take them for the rest of your life (getting off pharmacy pills is almost impossible... they will even check your blood samples today to check if you took the pills)
Nobody diagnosed Timothy Leary as Manic, yet he is laughing at everything, see videos with him on youtube ;-) only you yourself know if you really got crazy LSD/shrooms often removes all our problems, only love left
but if you started getting problems after the use of psychedelics, the diagnosis might be right... only you yourself might know/or you can trust the docs any family predisposition?
I really hope you get better, nature is the best cure (walk in nature everyday) sometimes changing pills can do as much as stopping them too... it is your decision ultimately, just be safe
Edited by lessismore (12/29/13 05:30 PM)
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Rhizohunter
myco-nerd



Registered: 04/22/11
Posts: 7,894
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
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It started with me confusing myself with David in revelations and from there I couldn't distinguish between my life and the book. I would read the book and find a correlation between my life and the book. I started to see "signs" everywhere I looked. I also began hearing the voices at some point, but believed that I was communicating with people telepathically.
Then the delusions started to hit me where I constantly thought people were watching me, thought I was being video recorded, and thought people all knew what I was thinking cause it seemed like everyone was talking about me everywhere I went.
This is still one thing I don't understand. People would say things that seemed so closely related to my thoughts it was like they were in my head. It felt like people were sucking my thoughts out of my head. Throughout all this I thought I was communicating with people telepathically, and this is where the voices started.
I believed that everyone hit a point in their life where they joined this secret society of mind readers. Nobody was ever supposed to say that they could do it, but kept living life like it was a big secret but could communicate this way. Nobody ever talked about it, but it was a known thing... I was just waiting for the day somebody would say something about it, but it never happened. Slowly but surely these thoughts overwhelmed me and I started having nervous breakdowns cause the voices started to tell me some crazy crazy things.
I don't want to go into detail about the horrifying things these voices made me believe, but to say the least I am traumatized by it.
Now when I am around people, these voices mimick the thoughts of other people. Like when I look at someones face the voices will say things through what that person might be thinking. When I am around people it is constant chaos inside my head.
It's not as bad as when it first started happening... I just heard a voice say "yes it is" when I typed that. This is the bullshit I deal with. I used to be able to just think a thought without verbalizing it in my head, but that is constant for me now. For a while I couldn't even pick something up without hearing pick up this, or pick up that. It was like there was an internal dialogue for everything I did.
There is so much more to it than I just described, but that's generally the gist of it.
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lessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
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Yup sounds crazy unfortunately... the video recording thing and the voices, schizophrenia like
Voices are not normal, but have you considered any spiritual reasons for the voices?
Often people who hear voices see shadows/demons and the voices are demonic/hurtful towards them and others
If there is a spiritual cause maybe it can be resolved, but I dunno
Thanks for sharing anyway, btw nature can never make it worse only better :-) and having a pet, happiness everyday
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lessismore
Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 6,268
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also you might not be as crazy as you think
I know that being followed feeling (so not walking directly home), videotape feeling (at home/work), and like people reading my thoughts/being able to read thoughts
did smoke a bit too much weed when that happened... lasted a few weeks temporary psychosis... saw unpleasant/demonic faces everywhere looking at me, table, coke bottles on the table, curtains, pavement outside each day for a few weeks resolved on its own, it has been a handful of years since now, never came back, all symptoms left no paranoia for years, but paranoia is very common among all weed smokers
then I stopped smoking, didnt feel like gambling with my mind after that, seems weed is not for me, get intense paranoia on it/out of control thoughts if smoking too much another thing weed use would do would make me very demotivated/antisocial, opposite person of normally
often psychosis is temporary... many people get psychosis, especially on weed/psychedelics they get weird at times, but it usually resolves on its own, unless they really hang onto their fear/beliefs if it is almost impossible to interact with other people even after several weeks/the time period you deem tolerable in your life, it might be a very good idea to get treatment/pills
but first stopping all drug use is the best way of checking of course..
sometimes weed , or psychedelics, can be so destructive to the psyche that you have to rebuild yourself fully from scratch, can take a few years after stopping use fully sometimes that can also make it hard to interact with others until you rebuild your psyche
Edited by lessismore (12/29/13 08:46 PM)
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